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Will he ever propose...


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 4th January 2017, 10:56 AM   #46
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[QUOTE=angel.eyes;7180221]Thanks for all the clarifications. You may see your story as unique, but read through these boards a bit. It's pretty textbook.

At any rate, let's focus, on what brought you here. As Whodatdog points out, talk is cheap. Has he actually asked you to marry him? No offense, but how exactly did you expect him to refer to you at his workplace, especially to his boss? My baby mama? My "qualified domestic partner" if you are on his health insurance?

He seems like a wonderful guy, but at the end of the day, you're on different pages. You want to get married. He clearly doesn't. Neither of you is right or wrong. You just value different things and have different goals for your relationship. That's all.

In year four, you decided to give it another year to see if he would change his mind. He didn't. Now in year five, you're giving him another year. No doubt, it will be the same thing a year from now. Honestly, what new information is he going to learn in the next year, that was unavailable in the last five, living with you, and raising a child together?

It's the same deal you had a year ago: walk and find a man willing to marry you or stay and accept being his girlfriend.[/QUOTE

I'm not on his insurance, I have my own. In fact he doesn't have insurance. He also had sad fiance to his friends
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Old 4th January 2017, 11:01 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by angel.eyes View Post
Thanks for all the clarifications. You may see your story as unique, but read through these boards a bit. It's pretty textbook.

At any rate, let's focus, on what brought you here. As Whodatdog points out, talk is cheap. Has he actually asked you to marry him? No offense, but how exactly did you expect him to refer to you at his workplace, especially to his boss? My baby mama? My "qualified domestic partner" if you are on his health insurance?

He seems like a wonderful guy, but at the end of the day, you're on different pages. You want to get married. He clearly doesn't. Neither of you is right or wrong. You just value different things and have different goals for your relationship. That's all.

In year four, you decided to give it another year to see if he would change his mind. He didn't. Now in year five, you're giving him another year. No doubt, it will be the same thing a year from now. Honestly, what new information is he going to learn in the next year, that was unavailable in the last five, living with you, and raising a child together?

It's the same deal you had a year ago: walk and find a man willing to marry you or stay and accept being his girlfriend.
I

I have my own insurance, in fact hevhas no insurance. He has also said fiance to other people too...
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Old 4th January 2017, 11:13 AM   #48
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Yeah, but you don't think that throwing away a perfectly good relationship over a piece of paper is ridiculous?
First world problems...

As I wrote before, he freaking paid for his GFs daughters wedding. That's a great gesture and REAL proof for commitment. Not some stupid outdated social tradition.
Again, entitled Western people with their first world problems. Can't see a good thing when they have it, always want more.
I wouldn't want a relationship where a guy would walk the talk of being fully committed to me.

What kind of BS is that?

I've always found guys who okay house have other serious commitment issues too. Anecdotal? Yes.

I know one guy who has cheated on his live-in girlfriend for 20 YEARS because "they aren't married." Seriously? He's disgusting.

If he's into her enough to HAVE A CHILD that ties them together for life maybe it's time for him to grow up and actually, legally, morally and securely respect her enough to fully commit to her.

A guy who wouldn't get married wouldn't be worth my time. To me it's not "good," it's half-arsed and inconsiderate at best.
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Old 4th January 2017, 11:27 AM   #49
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He also had sad fiance to his friends
...and yet he refuses to get engaged??? How does that work exactly? Ah, yes. Giving you enough so that you can string yourself along while refusing to actually take action.

Look. It's pretty clear that you're upset that posters aren't telling you what you hoped to hear--namely, of course he'll marry you honey and all will be well. Your worries are silly. Just stick those blinders on and dig your head in the sand every time his actions and choices don't match what you wish would happen.

I suspect deep down you know the truth but are having a tough time accepting it.

Again, read through other threads...or not. It's your life, choices, and time spent in limbo.
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Old 4th January 2017, 11:54 AM   #50
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...and yet he refuses to get engaged??? How does that work exactly? Ah, yes. Giving you enough so that you can string yourself along while refusing to actually take action.

Look. It's pretty clear that you're upset that posters aren't telling you what you hoped to hear--namely, of course he'll marry you honey and all will be well. Your worries are silly. Just stick those blinders on and dig your head in the sand every time his actions and choices don't match what you wish would happen.

I suspect deep down you know the truth but are having a tough time accepting it.

Again, read through other threads...or not. It's your life, choices, and time spent in limbo.
Hey I'm use to hearing what I don't wantvto hear. I can take it. Im just sort of feeling like I'm being convinced he doesn't want to...or swayed to walk away. Like it just feels negative on here I mean is there no one who's gotten married at 5 years? How long is normal? Is there a normal? Like I said I am a clairvoyant and an empatg I feel this is the wrong place to be asking my questions...and before anyone throws the "if your clairvoyant why don't you kniwvthe answers " bit at me, when it comes to ourselves we don't always see our own crap. Like one poster said previous
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Old 4th January 2017, 11:57 AM   #51
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I wouldn't want a relationship where a guy would walk the talk of being fully committed to me.

What kind of BS is that?

I've always found guys who okay house have other serious commitment issues too. Anecdotal? Yes.

I know one guy who has cheated on his live-in girlfriend for 20 YEARS because "they aren't married." Seriously? He's disgusting.

If he's into her enough to HAVE A CHILD that ties them together for life maybe it's time for him to grow up and actually, legally, morally and securely respect her enough to fully commit to her.

A guy who wouldn't get married wouldn't be worth my time. To me it's not "good," it's half-arsed and inconsiderate at best.
That doesbt say much to me , I was married 20 years and my husband cheated many times..cheating definitely isn't an issue with us. Cheating happens married or not for many, but I will agree I feel the same as you ..I need more than live in gf with baby... That is my entire problem here. Its a time issue ..how long is too long and I'm obviously at my brink.
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Old 4th January 2017, 12:13 PM   #52
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I'm 43 I'm not stupid and I won't settle.
I would gently suggest you already have.

Of the men who initially do want to get married (no idea if your BF is in this group), most do so because they want a partner and family.

5 years in with a child, your relationship with him is already meeting those needs.

You have a tougher decision ahead as you decide if it's meeting yours. I'd assume, left up to him, he'd go indefinitely as-is, doesn't seem like he feels marriage holds any real advantage over your present arrangement.

So it's up to you to decide, acceptance or change. Either way, hope you get what you want...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 4th January 2017, 12:25 PM   #53
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I would gently suggest you already have.

Of the men who initially do want to get married (no idea if your BF is in this group), most do so because they want a partner and family.

5 years in with a child, your relationship with him is already meeting those needs.

You have a tougher decision ahead as you decide if it's meeting yours. I'd assume, left up to him, he'd go indefinitely as-is, doesn't seem like he feels marriage holds any real advantage over your present arrangement.

So it's up to you to decide, acceptance or change. Either way, hope you get what you want...

Mr. Lucky
Thankyou for your reply. ,in speaking with a close friend of ours a point was brought up that kind of clarified. Its not that he doesn't wabr to marry ME its that marriage has never been a priority to him, to him it doesn't define his love for me. His priority is getting his finances to a good place so he can provide what he wants to for us. He grew up poor with a single mom so it kind of makes sense. i think my issues are lying in the fact he doesn't want to marry me...which was stomping on my self esteem a little bit... It still doesn't change my mind tho. I will decide soon because I lived in limo once , I won't do it again.
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Old 4th January 2017, 12:45 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by angel.eyes View Post
He's not afraid of losing you because you aren't the right person to be his life partner. He would prefer not to lose you for now while the relationship works for him. But you're not the person he sees himself marrying.

....Sorry, you're Ms. Right Now, not Mrs. Right.
That is my assessment of the situation too.
He has never been married before so he will still harbour the desire for "the one" and "the love of his life".
He got involved with you, he has managed to get himself a house with you, he unexpectedly got himself a child with you, he probably has a better lifestyle with you than had he been all on his own, he has someone who no doubt looks after him, and he has a nice life and it suits him at present,
BUT I guess you are just not the woman he sees marrying.
I think, there was a narrow window of opportunity here and that was when you discovered you were pregnant. But the pregnancy came and went and now it is all "back to normal".

I guess few single men of 35, see a 43 yo divorcee with adult children as "the girl of their dreams".
He is "happy" with the status quo atm, but he does not want to seal the deal, as no doubt he still thinks he can do "better" and is keeping his options open.

YOU have two realistic choices IMO
1) You remain the gf, and give up any notion of marriage, he may just stick around forever, or he may be off in the next few years to pursue "a wife". Who knows?
2) You give up waiting and leave.

YOU may chose the third option and you wait and wait and wait for that proposal but I do not feel it is coming, no matter how many deadlines you give yourself. sorry!
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Old 4th January 2017, 12:59 PM   #55
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I'll be honest OP, I think the thread has gotten a little high-strung.
Sometimes that happens on here when there's been a cluster of threads with a similar theme and there just was one where the guy is ACTIVELY avoiding marriage and disrespecting his gf at the same time.

The people who aren't particularly inclined toward marriage aren't going to get why it's a big deal. In fact, I really only found out why it was a big deal AFTER I got married. I mean, I figured it was the next step in my young relationship but after actually getting married I realized the deepening of the commitment went much further than I initially realized.

Of course your bf is a great guy, or else you wouldn't want to marry him, right?

I don't even think he's trying to be an arse or anything.
He just sounds like a lot of guys for whom THE WEDDING isn't a priority.
He sounds like he loves you, he's committed and he's about family.
But he just doesn't sound very "take charge" and "here's what I have to do" about all of it.

I think if you point-blank said, "look, man, this is getting to the point where it's actually insulting and I'm not sure how much you actually want to be with ME, are you on board?" He's probably snap up a bit.

Make it VERY clear that you aren't looking for the $50000 wedding with the golden tiara and the cake imported from Belgium (whatever. I planned my own wedding in about six weeks from the date.)

But that the wife factor is a necessary component for you.
You aren't trapping him. I swear I dated that guy about five or six different times before I met my husband. He's a nice guy but sometimes needs almost a to-do list in the romantic department. Sci-fi gamers aren't generally known for their romantic prowess and locking down the ladies. But they are often GREAT, great guys.

You can say 1000 times "I would like this."

And he will think "you know, I'd like that too, this isn't a bad idea." Then he will go mull it over and put it off and forget about it and just let life take its course.

I don't even think it's about your job loss per se, although that an extra stressor.

He's probably just sitting there thinking, "you know, I'd like to marry her someday. Yeah. I'll do that when we have a little more money or it's the right time etc."

Good intentions. Poor time sense.
I don't think he's expecting you to "settle" or feel "less than."

From his perspective, he's pretty much "wifed" you.

You are right about the age difference being a factor. I'm 34, it's a different set of saying rules than 21. And you want what you want for different reasons. (Usually, anyhow, I've seen some real doozies.)
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Old 4th January 2017, 1:05 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers View Post
I'll be honest OP, I think the thread has gotten a little high-strung.
Sometimes that happens on here when there's been a cluster of threads with a similar theme and there just was one where the guy is ACTIVELY avoiding marriage and disrespecting his gf at the same time.

The people who aren't particularly inclined toward marriage aren't going to get why it's a big deal. In fact, I really only found out why it was a big deal AFTER I got married. I mean, I figured it was the next step in my young relationship but after actually getting married I realized the deepening of the commitment went much further than I initially realized.

Of course your bf is a great guy, or else you wouldn't want to marry him, right?

I don't even think he's trying to be an arse or anything.
He just sounds like a lot of guys for whom THE WEDDING isn't a priority.
He sounds like he loves you, he's committed and he's about family.
But he just doesn't sound very "take charge" and "here's what I have to do" about all of it.

I think if you point-blank said, "look, man, this is getting to the point where it's actually insulting and I'm not sure how much you actually want to be with ME, are you on board?" He's probably snap up a bit.

Make it VERY clear that you aren't looking for the $50000 wedding with the golden tiara and the cake imported from Belgium (whatever. I planned my own wedding in about six weeks from the date.)

But that the wife factor is a necessary component for you.
You aren't trapping him. I swear I dated that guy about five or six different times before I met my husband. He's a nice guy but sometimes needs almost a to-do list in the romantic department. Sci-fi gamers aren't generally known for their romantic prowess and locking down the ladies. But they are often GREAT, great guys.

You can say 1000 times "I would like this."

And he will think "you know, I'd like that too, this isn't a bad idea." Then he will go mull it over and put it off and forget about it and just let life take its course.

I don't even think it's about your job loss per se, although that an extra stressor.

He's probably just sitting there thinking, "you know, I'd like to marry her someday. Yeah. I'll do that when we have a little more money or it's the right time etc."

Good intentions. Poor time sense.
I don't think he's expecting you to "settle" or feel "less than."

From his perspective, he's pretty much "wifed" you.

You are right about the age difference being a factor. I'm 34, it's a different set of saying rules than 21. And you want what you want for different reasons. (Usually, anyhow, I've seen some real doozies.)

Wow!! You just summed him up in a but shell lol thanks for your reply
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Old 4th January 2017, 1:07 PM   #57
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
That is my assessment of the situation too.
He has never been married before so he will still harbour the desire for "the one" and "the love of his life".
He got involved with you, he has managed to get himself a house with you, he unexpectedly got himself a child with you, he probably has a better lifestyle with you than had he been all on his own, he has someone who no doubt looks after him, and he has a nice life and it suits him at present,
BUT I guess you are just not the woman he sees marrying.
I think, there was a narrow window of opportunity here and that was when you discovered you were pregnant. But the pregnancy came and went and now it is all "back to normal".

I guess few single men of 35, see a 43 yo divorcee with adult children as "the girl of their dreams".
He is "happy" with the status quo atm, but he does not want to seal the deal, as no doubt he still thinks he can do "better" and is keeping his options open.

YOU have two realistic choices IMO
1) You remain the gf, and give up any notion of marriage, he may just stick around forever, or he may be off in the next few years to pursue "a wife". Who knows?
2) You give up waiting and leave.

YOU may chose the third option and you wait and wait and wait for that proposal but I do not feel it is coming, no matter how many deadlines you give yourself. sorry!
Its funny you say that about the live of his life, because when this all went down and I wasn't sure about things he repeatedly told me I was ..still does
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Old 4th January 2017, 1:36 PM   #58
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I believe you mentioned he is a gamer nerd? Pen and paper D&D, yes?

Yeah, I married one of those. In my experience, these types are either really sensitive to a woman's needs and great communicators or they're really thick and need damn near everything relationship related explicitly explained, sometimes with pictures.

I know you think you're clearly communicating your feelings to him, but you may not have done so in a way that he truly understands. You may want to consider straight out telling him that you want to marry him and that you are seriously considering leaving the relationship if he does not get serious about actually getting married. Not "have a wedding", but marry. Not "get married", but be married. A wedding is one day. A marriage is many years. Clearly, to those with common sense, the marriage is far more important than the wedding.

Honestly, I think him wanting a wedding at this late date is kind of silly. You live together. You have a child together. You're middle aged and previously married. He's not far behind. I kind of think the big white wedding ship has more or less sailed. There are tons of options between going to the courthouse alone in jeans and t-shirts and renting out the largest church and reception hall in the state. Tell him he needs to find one of those options that fit his need for ceremony and ritual and fits your need to actually do this!
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Old 4th January 2017, 1:55 PM   #59
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I believe you mentioned he is a gamer nerd? Pen and paper D&D, yes?

Yeah, I married one of those. In my experience, these types are either really sensitive to a woman's needs and great communicators or they're really thick and need damn near everything relationship related explicitly explained, sometimes with pictures.

I know you think you're clearly communicating your feelings to him, but you may not have done so in a way that he truly understands. You may want to consider straight out telling him that you want to marry him and that you are seriously considering leaving the relationship if he does not get serious about actually getting married. Not "have a wedding", but marry. Not "get married", but be married. A wedding is one day. A marriage is many years. Clearly, to those with common sense, the marriage is far more important than the wedding.

Honestly, I think him wanting a wedding at this late date is kind of silly. You live together. You have a child together. You're middle aged and previously married. He's not far behind. I kind of think the big white wedding ship has more or less sailed. There are tons of options between going to the courthouse alone in jeans and t-shirts and renting out the largest church and reception hall in the state. Tell him he needs to find one of those options that fit his need for ceremony and ritual and fits your need to actually do this!

Yes he is a gamer he host D&D and he used to larp too...I am so different lol I'm a ballet dancer and love kareoke. On an emotional level tho we are two peas in a paid. He is very attentive to my emotional needs , he actually use to write me emails every day so when I woke up it would be there.... Before we lived together , he was very gallant and romantic....but then like you said there is that other side that just doesn't get it! We are definitely an odd pair no doubt.
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Old 4th January 2017, 2:58 PM   #60
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Sounds like you are both romantically in love. Have you tried communicating openly to him how you feel about the commitment of marriage and your hopes for your future together? Hope you can reach an agreement that makes both you happy.
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