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Will he ever propose...


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 4th January 2017, 5:30 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
OK, one thing I am definitely learning here is that I'm getting really angry about how my bf is being seen. Also how trivial our relationship is being characterized. Let me back up a bit to the beginning. First of all , this man came into my life knowing I hadl 4 children...went from being a single guy living with his gamer friends to a 40 year old woman with more baggage than a large air port. He never judged , never once let me down with anything. When my ex husband came into my apartment and trashed it...he protected me. He has supported everything I've ever done. That all being said we have been through the ringer with my kids. They blame him for my ex and I not being together. Even though we met way after we divorced. My ex has manipulated them and lied and bought their love with vacations and gifts. We don't have the ability to give them all that. So yes he contributed to my daughters wedding by maxing our credit cards...not to make her happy but to make me happy. I have been depressed because of the distance with my kids, he was trying to help me. There is so much more depth to this story . yes I have come right out and asked ..babe do you ever want to get married...his answer has always been yes. As far as having someone to cook and clean..... I don't cook he does, I do clean ..but he also does a lot with our 3 year old. As soon as he walks through the door he is taking care of her so I can have a break. He is a wonderful man. So you can see how I'm torn here. I also know a few couples who were together for 10 years before they got married and they are happy.. Time will tell but no matter what happens this man is a one in a million and he thinks the same of me. No need for glossing.

Not sure why you are writing this. Clearly in every post of mine I have mentioned that I think you have a great man who is clearly invested in you and your family, and committed to the core.



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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
Lol just to be clear , he did not pay for my daughters wedding...it was a 40 thousand dollar wedding.... He contributed as much as he could... Mostly towards her shower which I threw. I'm only clarifying because I'm making it known I'm not some ungratefully bratt...I'd personaly would be happy with a JP and the beach.
Ok, so in another post you wrote how he is the most amazing guy ever and now you are saying that he is actually not that great. Make up your mind.
Do you want to get married because you love him or just because you want to get married?

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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
I have a feeling he just doesn't want to marry you, OP.

He's already very committed in the form of your shared child, he knows you could have an inexpensive wedding ceremony itself (maybe host a celebration later when funds allow), your daughter's wedding has now passed.

And still, he's not very keen on the idea. I get that marriage isn't important for many couples, but it is important to you. Just a thought, but have you two ever attended counseling together? I know you go to your one on your own, but would he be open to joining you for a session(s) to get all the cards on the table and see if your life goals still line up?
This! I would totally suggest this too. It's always best to have a third person evaluate in such situations. Otherwise you will keep worrying for years to come. Good luck.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 4th January 2017 at 7:42 AM.. Reason: rude~T
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Old 4th January 2017, 7:52 AM   #32
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I have a feeling he just doesn't want to marry you, OP.

He's already very committed in the form of your shared child, he knows you could have an inexpensive wedding ceremony itself (maybe host a celebration later when funds allow), your daughter's wedding has now passed.

And still, he's not very keen on the idea. I get that marriage isn't important for many couples, but it is important to you. Just a thought, but have you two ever attended counseling together? I know you go to your one on your own, but would he be open to joining you for a session(s) to get all the cards on the table and see if your life goals still line up?
We actually do attend counseling. Wecstarted going so we could get help communicating with my older children . we also started going because my bf has a really hard time even being in the same room as my ex. We have to be sometimes during certain occasions . There is no doubt he is commuted to me , commitment definitely isn't the problem here. Or love...I think it really is money, but it shouldn't be.
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Old 4th January 2017, 8:00 AM   #33
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
Not sure why you are writing this. Clearly in every post of mine I have mentioned that I think you have a great man who is clearly invested in you and your family, and committed to the core.





Ok, so in another post you wrote how he is the most amazing guy ever and now you are saying that he is actually not that great. Make up your mind.
Do you want to get married because you love him or just because you want to get married?



This! I would totally suggest this too. It's always best to have a third person evaluate in such situations. Otherwise you will keep worrying for years to come. Good luck.
I'm not sure how clarifying how much he spent towards my daughters wedding is in any way saying he's not so great. I was simply stating he didn't pay for my daughters entire wedding. .which keeps being stated over and over again. I clearly know and have said he is a wonderful guy. And yes I do wabr to get married because I love him...I never thought I'd ever want to get married again.
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Old 4th January 2017, 8:07 AM   #34
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Something I never realized happend this morning. My bf was on the phone with Hus boss and mebtioned something about me, when he referred to me he called me his fiance.. He has called me that before too and I'm over here calling him my bf..hmm maybe I'm over thinking .
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Old 4th January 2017, 8:38 AM   #35
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Once again, talk is cheap.

These threads are all about what women want. Its not about what men want.

What motivates a man to get married? He meets someone and falls head over heals. He wants to live together, to possibly have kids and a family. That fact that a marriage will tie up his assets, and put the proverbial ball and chain around his neck is scary, but its balanced against what he gains.

Now Mrs. Wonderful decides to change the normal progress of things, and decides to move in, play house, and have kids with him. His motivation for marriage is gone. All thats left is the bad stuff if he then gets married. So in gods green earth, why in the world would he?

He's now calling you his fiance? He doesnt have that right. He needs to put a ring on your finger in order to do that. You need to VALUE yourself, not be so swayed by worthless words.
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Old 4th January 2017, 9:01 AM   #36
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Once again, talk is cheap.

These threads are all about what women want. Its not about what men want.

What motivates a man to get married? He meets someone and falls head over heals. He wants to live together, to possibly have kids and a family. That fact that a marriage will tie up his assets, and put the proverbial ball and chain around his neck is scary, but its balanced against what he gains.

Now Mrs. Wonderful decides to change the normal progress of things, and decides to move in, play house, and have kids with him. His motivation for marriage is gone. All thats left is the bad stuff if he then gets married. So in gods green earth, why in the world would he?

He's now calling you his fiance? He doesnt have that right. He needs to put a ring on your finger in order to do that. You need to VALUE yourself, not be so swayed by worthless words.
Assets? What assets ...he had nothing when we got together...we bought a house together.. And grew together from nothing. BTW...just to be clear also, when I got pregnant it was a complete shock to me ...I was done having kids. He was happy about it, but coukd of gone either way. To us she was a miracle . He has nothing to lose getting married to me. We still have passion ...we still have fun together, we have common goals..we both enjoy our child I'm still the sane 5 '8 130 pound woman he met 5 years ago. He has an older wiser more confident woman. I'm not some 20 something over here wanting to trap someone into marriage so I can have a big party and wear a fancy dress. I was perfectly happy in my apartment living alone and just dating him at the beginning... Wasn't planning on falling in love. He was the one who was happy to take it further . The point I'm trying to make is we don't fit into that stereotypical senerio you ate talking about.
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Old 4th January 2017, 9:27 AM   #37
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so whats the problem then OP? Hes a great guy, you seem to get very defensive over anything anyone is saying.

Either accept you may not get married and continue with your great man, or throw a great man away because you need the piece of paper.

You make your life what it is, not him. It's your decision whether you can accept possibly never marrying him or not.
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Old 4th January 2017, 9:36 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
Assets? What assets ...he had nothing when we got together...we bought a house together.. And grew together from nothing. BTW...just to be clear also, when I got pregnant it was a complete shock to me ...I was done having kids. He was happy about it, but coukd of gone either way. To us she was a miracle . He has nothing to lose getting married to me. We still have passion ...we still have fun together, we have common goals..we both enjoy our child I'm still the sane 5 '8 130 pound woman he met 5 years ago. He has an older wiser more confident woman. I'm not some 20 something over here wanting to trap someone into marriage so I can have a big party and wear a fancy dress. I was perfectly happy in my apartment living alone and just dating him at the beginning... Wasn't planning on falling in love. He was the one who was happy to take it further . The point I'm trying to make is we don't fit into that stereotypical senerio you ate talking about.
Clearly there is something holding him back from taking that next step with you so he may think there is something to lose although it may not even be rational. I think giving yourself a time frame within which you are willing to wait is a good idea and then you can go from there. Maybe he likes playing house but doesn't want to have to have laws dictating certain things. Unlike what one poster said on here, marriage is not just a paper. It is union that comes with certain legal protections. He sounds like a decent guy so hopefully it all works out but I wouldn't put much stock in him referring to you as his fiancÚ.
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Old 4th January 2017, 9:51 AM   #39
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so whats the problem then OP? Hes a great guy, you seem to get very defensive over anything anyone is saying.

Either accept you may not get married and continue with your great man, or throw a great man away because you need the piece of paper.

You make your life what it is, not him. It's your decision whether you can accept possibly never marrying him or not.
I wish it were that black and white. I will admit I'm a complicated person. All I know is, I gave up a lot to completely start over. I had already had my kids I was able to do more things go to school ect. I love my little girl to pieces but I gave up a lot fir this relationship, including a strained relationship with my other kids. He knew how I felt from the beginning. If its just a piece of paper why can't he do that for me? Its like I'm good enough to have a child with and a house but not good enough to marry? This is where the issue ism I've even asked him to be brutally honest..if he doesn't want to tell me so I can at least make a decision for my life. And our child's...but he has said he wants to marry me .I'm trying to figure outbif hevreally does or if he is just afraid to lose me...and if he's afraid to lose me that much why wouldn't he want to get married. I'll figure it our eventually I'm sure
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Old 4th January 2017, 9:51 AM   #40
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Thanks for all the clarifications. You may see your story as unique, but read through these boards a bit. It's pretty textbook.

At any rate, let's focus, on what brought you here. As Whodatdog points out, talk is cheap. Has he actually asked you to marry him? No offense, but how exactly did you expect him to refer to you at his workplace, especially to his boss? My baby mama? My "qualified domestic partner" if you are on his health insurance?

He seems like a wonderful guy, but at the end of the day, you're on different pages. You want to get married. He clearly doesn't. Neither of you is right or wrong. You just value different things and have different goals for your relationship. That's all.

In year four, you decided to give it another year to see if he would change his mind. He didn't. Now in year five, you're giving him another year. No doubt, it will be the same thing a year from now. Honestly, what new information is he going to learn in the next year, that was unavailable in the last five, living with you, and raising a child together?

It's the same deal you had a year ago: walk and find a man willing to marry you or stay and accept being his girlfriend.
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Old 4th January 2017, 10:26 AM   #41
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...and if he's afraid to lose me that much why wouldn't he want to get married. I'll figure it our eventually I'm sure
He's not afraid of losing you because you aren't the right person to be his life partner. He would prefer not to lose you for now while the relationship works for him. But you're not the person he sees himself marrying.

Hence the "not now" excuses and obstacles that are thrown your way, rather than straight up "nos." Obviously, if he told you no straight up, you would probably jettison out of a relationship that currently works for him. But if he's less adamant in his refusals, you'll string yourself along. Read other threads in this forum. Some women, often post-divorce and in their 40's living with their late 30's baby daddies hang on in their self-created limbo for 7 years, 9 years, 11 years, etc. Sorry, you're Ms. Right Now, not Mrs. Right.
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Old 4th January 2017, 10:36 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by Rubysmom22 View Post
Assets? What assets ...he had nothing when we got together...we bought a house together.. And grew together from nothing. BTW...just to be clear also, when I got pregnant it was a complete shock to me ...I was done having kids. He was happy about it, but coukd of gone either way. To us she was a miracle . He has nothing to lose getting married to me. We still have passion ...we still have fun together, we have common goals..we both enjoy our child I'm still the sane 5 '8 130 pound woman he met 5 years ago. He has an older wiser more confident woman. I'm not some 20 something over here wanting to trap someone into marriage so I can have a big party and wear a fancy dress. I was perfectly happy in my apartment living alone and just dating him at the beginning... Wasn't planning on falling in love. He was the one who was happy to take it further . The point I'm trying to make is we don't fit into that stereotypical senerio you ate talking about.
You fit exactly into it. But I wouldnt expect you to see it, many people can't when they are in the middle of it.
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Old 4th January 2017, 10:39 AM   #43
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I wish it were that black and white. I will admit I'm a complicated person. All I know is, I gave up a lot to completely start over. I had already had my kids I was able to do more things go to school ect. I love my little girl to pieces but I gave up a lot fir this relationship, including a strained relationship with my other kids. He knew how I felt from the beginning. If its just a piece of paper why can't he do that for me? Its like I'm good enough to have a child with and a house but not good enough to marry? This is where the issue ism I've even asked him to be brutally honest..if he doesn't want to tell me so I can at least make a decision for my life. And our child's...but he has said he wants to marry me .I'm trying to figure outbif hevreally does or if he is just afraid to lose me...and if he's afraid to lose me that much why wouldn't he want to get married. I'll figure it our eventually I'm sure
I think it would be a shame to throw away a perfectly good relationship over this, but if it is that important to you- then be an adult and ask him. Do you want to get married and if so what is the timeline. It actually is black and white you are just making it technocolour.
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Old 4th January 2017, 10:44 AM   #44
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He's not afraid of losing you because you aren't the right person to be his life partner. He would prefer not to lose you for now while the relationship works for him. But you're not the person he sees himself marrying.

Hence the "not now" excuses and obstacles that are thrown your way, rather than straight up "nos." Obviously, if he told you no straight up, you would probably jettison out of a relationship that currently works for him. But if he's less adamant in his refusals, you'll string yourself along. Read other threads in this forum. Some women, often post-divorce and in their 40's living with their late 30's baby daddies hang on in their self-created limbo for 7 years, 9 years, 11 years, etc. Sorry, you're Ms. Right Now, not Mrs. Right.
Wow ...negativity breeds on here like the plague. Thanks fir geberalizing my relationship. After all you've known us for years right? Its my fault tho I putbitvout there looking for some constructive advice... I see now that's not going to happen on a thread. Thanks anyway
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Old 4th January 2017, 10:46 AM   #45
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I think it would be a shame to throw away a perfectly good relationship over this, but if it is that important to you- then be an adult and ask him. Do you want to get married and if so what is the timeline. It actually is black and white you are just making it technocolour.
Again....I did ask him straight up, I don't beat around the bush , he says yes...nothing is or should be black and white
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