Should I tell my CRUSH i have a CRUSH??? HELP!

[How_Do_I_Know]

Hi everyone! I really need some good advice here! There is someone at my work with whom I speak with very often. He is very kind and sweet and we flirt with each other quite often. I have developed a HUGE crush on him and can't seem to get him out of my head!

 

I can't eat, sleep, think..... and it's all because he's running through my mind. He's the last thing I think of before I sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning. I try to focus on other things but it doesn't seem to help! He just makes me smile and makes me happy every time I see or talk to him. I do my share of flirting, and he ALSO does his share. You can definately feel the chemistry! I don't know if it's just my imagination but he does pay a lot of attention to me and even my co-workers have started to notice and question the flirting.

 

Here's where there's a twist: Both he and I are married with children to other individuals! I ABSOLUTELY have NO INTENTIONS on hooking up with him! The flirting is where is STOPS! However.... in order for the mind thing to stop (him running my mind 24/7).... should I tell him that I have a crush on him???

 

Once again... I HAVE NO INTENTIONS ON DOING ANYTHING WITH HIM OTHER THAN BEING FRIENDS/AQUAINTANCES!!! WE WORK TOGETHER and there is NO WAY of avoiding him!!!

 

So.... is it wise to tell him that I have a crush on him so that the hopes of him knowing would put an ease at the flirting??? What I am trying to ask is this: If he knows that I have a crush on him... (if the feeling is mutual) would there be a chance that since it is on the table then we would watch ourselves and not let things cross the line and that he wouldn't run through my mind as much??? Because him being on my mind is starting to affect how I act during the day (I have become quite forgetful now and almost irresponsible with my normal day to day activities) Or... should I just keep this bottled up and let him take over my head???

 

How should I go about dealing with this? It has come to the point that I am so nervous to go to work that I can't breath and I hyper-ventilate! I feel as though I NEED to get this OFF my CHEST!!! HELP!!!!!

[How_Do_I_Know]

I really need advice from you guys.... I am on the verge of telling him but don't know what the outcome would be.... if I would be ruing both of our lives???

 

Things could turn out:

 

a.) Things will work out well by me getting this off of my chest. Things will go smoothly and there will be an even stronger friendship between us.

 

-OR-

 

b.) Things will take a total twist... we fall for each other, act out our flirting (even though I have NO intentions to do so).... I would have then made a HUGE mistake that I EVER told him about the "crush".

 

-OR-

 

c.) He will think I am an idiot and desperate and he will no longer want to be my friend/aquaintance. He will no longer want to talk to me or look at me and I will feel ashamed.

 

-OR-

 

d.) I don't tell him and keep things going the way they are going and me start to go totally crazy for this guy and not be able to function because of my feelings. And see what happens along the road.

 

Please don't get me wrong... the reason I want to tell him (get it off my chest) is in hopes that I will be able to function normally again since I won't have him on the back burner. I am not HOPING for ANYTHING to come out of me telling him about my crush! I am happily married with 2 kids and I am sure he is happy as well and he also has children.... please don't think that I am doing this to break up our homes! THAT IS NOT EVEN AN OPTION!!!!! thanks for reading and for your opinions!

[Horse]

Absolutely not. If your feelings for him are this strong you should be avoiding him. Letting eachother know how you feel will only open the door for more to happen. You may not mean for it to happen, but if you go down that road it will be a lot more likely.

[whichwayisup]

Here's where there's a twist: Both he and I are married with children to other individuals! I ABSOLUTELY have NO INTENTIONS on hooking up with him! The flirting is where is STOPS! However.... in order for the mind thing to stop (him running my mind 24/7).... should I tell him that I have a crush on him???

 

NO. Don't tell him. If you feel that attraction to him, chances are he feels it too. There is NO point in telling him because by doing that you're crossing the line. Fun flirting is going to be taken to the next level...A dangerous level. Right now it's safe, you're having fun...But...You're thinking of him TOO much for it to be a crush...I think you're allowing yourself to run with this, fantizing about him, hoping that when you do tell him he'll tell you what he feels. It opens the door, when infact that door should stay closed because both of you are married and it's inappropriate to take this further.

 

Crushes are great once in a while, but when they creep into your head too much, that's dangerous ground. You need to make yourself just stop thinking of him. Keep busy with your husband and family, be active and don't spend all your time at work focussing on him (I'm not saying you are, but there should be days when flirting doesn't always take place.)

 

a.) Things will work out well by me getting this off of my chest. Things will go smoothly and there will be an even stronger friendship between us.

 

By opening that door you're allowing the "what if..." senario to happen. And don't think it won't make the feelings disappear...It will enhance them, especially if he confesses he feels the same way about you! What then? I mean, what if he asks you out to dinner? How's your husband going to feel. Put yourself in your husbands shoes, would you like it if he had a crush on a woman he worked with, wanted to tell her HIS feelings, then still wanted to see a friendship developed? I don't think you'd be too happy about that...

 

b.) Things will take a total twist... we fall for each other, act out our flirting (even though I have NO intentions to do so).... I would have then made a HUGE mistake that I EVER told him about the "crush".

 

See that is the thing...You don't have ANY control over what he'll say. I know right now you have no intention of allowing something to happen but take a little read in the OW/OM forum - See how these feelings begin and how affairs start...So innocient..No intention, but in the end the attraction seems to win out, everybody gets hurt.

 

.) He will think I am an idiot and desperate and he will no longer want to be my friend/aquaintance. He will no longer want to talk to me or look at me and I will feel ashamed.

 

That is a possibility too, but I doubt it, especially since he's been flirting with you.

 

Ok I understand how you feel, we all get crushes and sometimes one has to know when to say enough. Flirting is fun, makes ya feel good and makes the day go by quickly and it's positive energy to bring home, all happy. BUT the downside is crushes like those can go intense really fast, not on purpose ofcourse, but that can happen.

 

Sounds like you're quite happy at home. I don't think any good could come of this situation if you tell this man how you feel.

 

Keep posting and I hope this crush fades...

[westernxer]

Dig a hole, unload the secret, then fill it back up.

 

DON'T tell him or anyone else you work with, because people can't shut up about this kind of stuff.

 

And stop flirting with him, too. You're not doing yourself (or your family) any favors by doing so.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by How_Do_I_Know

I ABSOLUTELY have NO INTENTIONS on hooking up with him! The flirting is where is STOPS!

 

By the way, that's what they all say.

[How_Do_I_Know]

You guys make this so much easier! Thanks for the great advice! I have had crushes before... but this is the first time while I've been married! Thanks so much! It is healpful to hear this stuff!

[whichwayisup]

Crushes are fun and normal...But once yer married you can't cross that line. Those thoughts that creep into your head, wonder all the what if's...PUSH them away because you're married.

 

Glad to help and that is why it's better get to crushes on Movie Stars or Sports Athletes!

[LucreziaBorgia]

.... should I tell him that I have a crush on him???

 

You are headed for a full blown affair. You can dismiss it, deny it all you want - but trust me, you are going to have an affair with this guy at the current rate you are going. You and he have already expressed sexual interest (all that 'harmless flirting'). All the two of you need now is a 'green light'. Telling him how you feel is that 'green light'.

 

That's how affairs start - not that yours hasn't already started to some extent. Welcome to the world of 'emotional affairs' in which yours will likely spiral into a physical affair once you let him know that you have a crush on him. A crush isn't a crush anymore when you tell someone. As soon as you tell them, the relationship now has one thing it didn't before: intent. Telling him you have a crush on him will accomplish only one thing: it will rachet up the flirting into something far more intentional, instead of 'easing it'. Do you honestly think that if took you in his arms, backed you up against a wall, put his hand on your breast and kissed you deeply - that you would honestly be able to stop in the name of "friendship"? C'mon now. Not with how you are feeling. Let him do that a few times, and you will crack like a dime store coconut.

 

Even if you only intend to be 'friends' you may as well just stop fooling yourself. You'll no more be "friends" than a man in the moon. You'll just be two mutually sexually attracted married people calling yourselves "friends" to have an excuse to spend time together and fool yourselves into not feeling so bad about what you are doing.

 

If you want this to go no further, you have to end it now. That means you'll have to tell the guy that you don't feel your relationship is appropriate, that it will damage your marriages, and that you want no further contact with him that isn't strictly professional. But... to be honest, it sounds like you want to 'accidently end up having an affair' with him. You'll have to decide for yourself if the attraction you feel for each other is worth giving up your marriages and families for. In the heat of the moment, its pretty easy to fool yourself into thinking that you aren't really putting all of that at risk, but you are.

 

If you are willing to take the risk, you'll need to consider what it is you are doing and how it will likely end. Worst case: you and he will be outed to each other's spouses, family, friends, peers, and co-workers as adulterers (many BS's are advised to out the affair when they find out), your jobs will be at risk, you and he will turn on each other to save your own asses, you will have to deal with stunned/angry/betrayed spouses, STD testing, possible divorce and custody battles - basically, its a huge risk to take. Might as well picture the end of the affair up in the worst possible flames before you get started into it.

 

If you want to have an affair: tell him, and then you and he can have your affair. If you don't want to have an affair: cut him off cold and think of ways you can work through this - even if it means going to talk to a counselor about finding ways to cope with these feelings you are having. Those are your only options. "Friends" isn't an option - as you were never friends to begin with, so much as you were potential sex partners.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

You are headed for a full blown affair.

 

As clear as blood on a white sheet.

[How_Do_I_Know]

I really really thought that I have a happy marriage. Until I shared my info with you on this "crush" I have.... now I am beginning to think that I have sinned! : ( . I am glad I posted here and got all this feedback! It really helps to speak with others.... cheaper than a counselor! LOL! Thanks to you all! You are all sweethearts!

[westernxer]

Just admit that you are fallible like the rest of us... oftentimes we are at our weakest when we think we are impervious to human frailty.

 

Doesn't mean your marriage isn't happy; it just means you're human, and that you have impulses just like everyone else, no matter how harmless they are at the surface level. Just don't act on them, that's all.

[whichwayisup]

Another thing to ponder here...Would you feel comfortable telling your husband about your crush on that guy? Can you two discuss issues like this? Would he be hurt, angry or amused. If it's a truely innocent crush, then there's nothing to be concerned about ... But, the crushes that have those real intense, overwhelming feelings aren't crushes, those are deeper.

 

Agreeing with Westy too! Good words there buddy!

[How_Do_I_Know]

My husband is usually pretty laid back.... he's always talking about girls girls girls! However he never mentions to me about crushes. I think he would be very offende if I told him about this crush. However, since you say it would be deeper than a crush..... then what is it? I haven't even touched this guys arm before...... My name is Elizabeth and he calls me "Liz"..... is that another clue that he's pursuing me???

 

But I am eventually going to ignore him from now on..... or at least the flirting...... hopefully the crush fades off soon! But it's been like this now since March.... that's when he started getting my attention by starring at me.... showing up in places I wouldn't expect him to be (bumping into me a lot).... asking me questions that are more than obvious (he should already know the answers to the questions he asks me)..... major eye contact..... when I look over at him I would notice that he was starring then he would turn away as soon as I would notice him starring..... waving to me and always has such a HUGE smile on his face as soon as he saw me...... this all got my attention. He is a gorgeous man but I NEVER thought I'd fall for him!

 

My co-workers NEVER get this treatment from him..... and they have noticed the stares and have now questioned his motives towards me. It died down for a little while but now he is totally doing it more and more and much more noticeable than before. Maybe it's just all in my head???

 

Thanks for your posts though! It is much appreciated!

[westernxer]

Call it a spark.

 

From the way you describe his behavior, it sounds as if he's doing everything he can to keep that spark nice and bright, until you progress to the next phase. You sound very sweet and naive (I mean this in a good way), and I think he senses this, like a shark in the open water searching for prey.

 

Some guys are just plain idiots... takes one to know one. Plus I've seen guys do it, mostly at work. Believe it or not, work is the best place to cruise for chicks.

[How_Do_I_Know]

You sound like you've got a lot of knowledge..... experience??? LOL! But yes..... I am a very shy gal! Does it make more sense if I let you know that I am 24 and he is 31??? I have been with my husband since I was 16 (8 years together) Married for only 3. We have 2 kids together 5 and 2.

 

From what I know of this man... he has been married for 5 years and have 2 kids both under 2 or 3 I beleive. But I try not to lead me on.... he just does all of this to me and it has gotten my attention and I think he is just adorable and he acts kinda like an airhead but it's cute! LOL!

 

But I LOVE MY FAMILY..... and I wouldn't want to jeopordize it nor would I want to ruin his family as well. Sometimes I wonder what he is thinking because he does the flirting so openly when others are present. But he does it only towrds me from what I know! so I don't know what his motives are??? i know where I stand though!

[whichwayisup]

My co-workers NEVER get this treatment from him..... and they have noticed the stares and have now questioned his motives towards me. It died down for a little while but now he is totally doing it more and more and much more noticeable than before. Maybe it's just all in my head???

 

Yeah you don't want office gossip to start and then the rumour mill to get going...

 

From what I know of this man... he has been married for 5 years and have 2 kids both under 2 or 3 I beleive. But I try not to lead me on.... he just does all of this to me and it has gotten my attention and I think he is just adorable and he acts kinda like an airhead but it's cute! LOL!

 

So it sounds like he's enjoying it and taking it in strides, kinda an ego thing I guess too. I mean, it FEELS good to be desired and looked at by other men. It's just human nature. Even if one is married or in a serious relationship, the ego still can say "Hey! That person WANTED ME..." And gives that extra ego boost that makes one feel great!

[westernxer]

Originally posted by How_Do_I_Know

Sometimes I wonder what he is thinking because he does the flirting so openly when others are present. But he does it only towrds me from what I know! so I don't know what his motives are??? i know where I stand though!

 

Whichway said it best... it's definitely an ego boost.

 

Just be careful, and understand that people can get carried away in the workplace. Most of my experience comes from observation -- I just watch people screw up and take mental notes for my own benefit. Ironically, most of it happens at work.

 

I could tell you were very young when you hooked up, and it's great you've been together so long. It can also work against you in a situation like this, but only because you've been in your comfort zone for so long. It happens to everyone. It's nice to know that people are attracted to you, and it can certainly be flattering. Just be careful, that's all. Especially for your children's sake.

[How_Do_I_Know]

Well, if most of you said that it is all in the likes of having an ego boost... then this guys is trying to put things on the line for that??? I mean it's great to feel good about yourself so that you have an ego boost by someone letting you know that they like you... but why take the chance for that???

 

Is this guy just plain dumb that he would chance his life with his family just so he can feel better about himself??? Why do some guys do this? I mean, yes, I do feel like I am more attractive when he flirts with me but I usually get lots of stares from many people and that's enough ego boost for me as it is. He just came along and made me feel "special"... like "wow, this guy flirts with only me, he must think that I am pretty attractive if he isn't paying attention like this to the other women!" That's how I felt about him flirting with me and that's kind of how this crush started.

 

At first I didn't think anything of his stares, because like I said I get it from a lot of other men as well. But it kept going on longer than normal and started getting more and more obvious and more and more into other areas of flirting like eye contact, smiling, waving, meaningless conversations, the nickname (Liz), these all lead me to have a crush on him. Plus, I found it "weird" that he would show up at meetings that I attended even though he didn't have to be there. Also, by "running" into me just as I get off the elevator..... just stuck out like a sore thumb.

 

And all of this so he can feel better about himself? Wow.... I MUST be naive! LOL! It's been a while I guess since I've been on the "dating" scene! LOL... 8 years to be exact, well actually just before my husband and I got married, we split for 5 months and at THAT time, I had a few so-called "flings".... other than that it's been 8 YEARS! Yuck! and I am only 24! : (

 

But if this guy thinks I am gonna back down so he can "feel better about himself" (isn't his wife giving him any attention or sex? I mean he IS gorgeous!) he can think otherwise because I am NOT putting my family or his at risk for just a plain ego trip! LOL!

 

Questions, comments, worries, concerns.......? All welcome to let it loose with me so I can open my eyes (I already have because all of your feedback seems so honest and in well meaning). Thanks!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Having an unspoken crush, and enjoying the ego trip from flirting is probably not seen as either of you as being a risk to your marriages. It is when you actually take that to the next level by expressing your desires verbally - saying "I have a crush on you", that you introduce intent into the situation and thus, the threat to your current relationships. It is the point where the invisible 'safety' line gets crossed, and ego-boosting flirtation becomes actual desire to be acted on.

 

Right now, you haven't crossed that line - so neither of you are particularly concerned and are enjoying the interaction. As soon as you tell him, though - you will be erasing the safety line. He will either freak out and leave you alone, or he will pursue an affair with you.

[whichwayisup]

But if this guy thinks I am gonna back down so he can "feel better about himself" (isn't his wife giving him any attention or sex? I mean he IS gorgeous!) he can think otherwise because I am NOT putting my family or his at risk for just a plain ego trip! LOL!

 

Nah it's not all just that...Doesn't matter if things are good or bad, SOME guys (not all) will still flirt and get that ego boost to enjoy. Some people don't think what flirting can do and how far possibly the other person could take it or believe it.

[georgey_porgy]

Maybe you should try to ignore him? I am a 25 year old guy and usually if I don't get any response from a girl I like, I usually leave her alone. But.... it COULD back fire on you because I know a lot of guys who really want the girl BAD when she plays hard to get. So, I just say ignore him and see what happens.

[How_Do_I_Know]

I will definately have to let you all know how the story ends! Hopefully good without the drama (which I am pretty sure will be the case).... me staying with my husband and hopefully the "crush" laying off!

[Trae]

I believe that you should at least tell him that you have a crush on him. You're right just to tell him, but tell him that your married and just want to be friends. I have the same problem. I'm 17 and I have a major, MAJOR crush on a friend of mine. Her name is Janel Davis. She is the most beautiful girl in the world to me. I have had feelings for her for at least 1 1/2 to 2 years and what is worse is that she might be infatuated with another guy. How do I get her to understand that I have feelings for her.

[elijahBailey]

... and you're being played big time. Come on now, don't tell me you're that naive you can't see thru the smoke screen? I'm not out to embarrass you, but I'm willing to bet you're encouraging him subtlely. Look, I'm a guy, and I'm tellin' ya if I get no reaction from a girl, I move on, no matter how interesting I find the girl to be. Based on this simple deduction, I bet you've made it known to him you're enjoying it. Guys aren't stupid, we get the hints. Especially the players.

 

... and... he isn't just doin' this to feel better about himself. He's doin' this so YOU feel happy, and YOU will stay in his 'circle'. Makes him feel empowered, and, when the opportunity comes someday, YOU will crumble and succumb. Come on girl... da guy just wants to get in your pants! Are you ignorant?!? This guy is smooth.... knows the female equivalent of the male orgasm....... it's call 'wanting attention'. You got the attention you wanted, and I don't believe you can easily back off now without any withdrawal symptoms, judging by what you said about not being able to eat or sleep.... etc. I have to say this is more than a crush. You're bordering on obsession. LucreziaBorgia is right on all counts. trust the lady.

 

Another thing I need to say.... I hear so often here in LS that 'flirting is ok so long as you don't cross the line'.... Ahem.... I truly beg to differ. It's pretty dumb advice to give a married person, don't you think? The people who advocate this has to have a switch in their heads that they can turn off at will as soon as their emotions get out of hand. Look people, we are this thing... and it's called "being human". Go ahead and flirt and play with fire, and very soon you'll realize, just like the countless others who've trudged on the undesired path, that your spouses are not as attractive as the person that you flirt with. Once that happens, you get sucked into whirlpool, and it takes a tremendous amount of effort to get out of (assuming you get out at all).

 

Wanna have a happy marriage? Be good, stay good.... honor your marriage vows. You wanna flirt? do so with your spouses. Peace....