LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > Friends and Lovers

FWB sending mixed signals


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Like Tree4Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 29th August 2017, 3:31 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 33
FWB sending mixed signals

So I have always had a thing for this girl's mother that I knew. I have wanted her since I was 16, and she confessed the same to me. She waited until I was 18 and we hooked up, but didn't have sex because she didn't want to move too fast since I was her youngest. We got into a fight when it almost leaked out and stopped talking. We reconnected this year and both admitted we still had a thing for each other, so we made it happen.
The sex was amazing. She texted me that night telling me how much she enjoyed it and was so happy we did it. She said we have great chemistry, and I am very intimate and affectionate with her. We texted everyday, until she said she thought this over again and said she didn't want to be a hookup. She said we got it out of our systems and it's done.


We kept in touch, and towards the end of April, had me go to her job for dinner. We joked about me staying over, but I could tell she wanted it. she texted me once she was out of work and told me to come over, so I did, and we had sex. The next morning we did it again. When I left, she texted me telling me how great of a time we had, and she loved my affection, and how I held her all night. Things were going so well that it felt like we were dating. Cooking each other breakfast, texting all day, even bringing me lunches to work. I even hung out at her house when she wasn't home.
Two weeks into it she said we can't continue this sexual relationship if it can't be serious, and she said it can't be because of our age difference, and me knowing her daughter. Yet she wanted to keep in touch and be friends and hangout, so we kept in touch. I went two weeks without texting her, and once I talked to her again she responded immediately, and wanted to go out for dinner. She even told me how we were both at the same beach on the same day and how she didn't see me anywhere and looked for me.


So I tried taking her out but she keeps saying she's busy. When I tried setting a date, no answer. I finally asked her what's up, and if she actually wants to hang out. She said she thought about it and said it isn't a good idea to hang out because I have too much tension built up. she says the fling lasted too long, although it was for like 2 weeks. Then she said I can't handle flings because I'm not letting this go, and I'm too "fragile" to do one. She says we can be friends but we can't hangout.


Why is she being like this? I have backed off now because that's the best solution. Any feedback would be great.
Ice Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th August 2017, 3:48 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,432
I think she realizes the obvious now: You are too young for her. I'm not certain she is being straightforward about all the reasons but she's decided to back off.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th August 2017, 4:13 PM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 33
Maybe it is the age thing, but that didn't stop her before. She even admitted to me once if she could've ****ed me at 16 and 17 and gotten away with it that she would have.


She also said I am very mature for my age and I am ambitious. She loves that I have my **** together. She says some guys her age don't even have that, and she says I'm so mature that it doesn't feel like I'm 29.
Ice Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th August 2017, 6:00 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,432
Maybe she is having a conscience about it though. Also, fantasy and reality are two different things.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd September 2017, 1:50 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 33
So After me calling her out on her bull****, we talked yesterday. She was very sweet to me and was even a bit flirtatious. I find this odd.
Ice Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd September 2017, 2:55 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Captivating's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 290
Hi,
I think she is very attracted to you and enjoys the sex with you.... for sure !
I think she even likes you.
However, she knows that a relationship with you would be frowned upon by everyone around you guys because she could be your mom. What would her daughter say?

Not to mention that in a couple of years you most likely lose interest in her..... wanting to have a family of your own, kids etc. (Just like Ashton Kutcher did with Demi Moore ?)

So in one hand she wants you (sexual connection can be so powerful) , on the other hand she knows it is not right, this would end with a heartbreak.
I know this is not easy on neither of you.
These are my assumptions, I do not know you guys
Captivating is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd September 2017, 3:08 PM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 33
Love you response! So many people say that she likes me and is attracted to me, and this is why we can't let each other go. I've always been attracted to older women, and I don't really want kids, but I understand why she would be worried about herself.

I can also understand why she feels the way she does. When we had our fling, it felt more like a relationship. I wouldn't leave her if we had a relationship, but I know she can't trust that. I just wanna do what we were doing a few months ago, and I want to enjoy our company again.
Ice Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th September 2017, 4:34 PM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Captivating View Post
Hi,
I think she is very attracted to you and enjoys the sex with you.... for sure !
I think she even likes you.
However, she knows that a relationship with you would be frowned upon by everyone around you guys because she could be your mom. What would her daughter say?

Not to mention that in a couple of years you most likely lose interest in her..... wanting to have a family of your own, kids etc. (Just like Ashton Kutcher did with Demi Moore ?)

So in one hand she wants you (sexual connection can be so powerful) , on the other hand she knows it is not right, this would end with a heartbreak.
I know this is not easy on neither of you.
These are my assumptions, I do not know you guys


Love your response! So many people say that she likes me and is attracted to me, and this is why we can't let each other go. I've always been attracted to older women, and I don't really want kids, but I understand why she would be worried about herself.

I can also understand why she feels the way she does. When we had our fling, it felt more like a relationship. I wouldn't leave her if we had a relationship, but I know she can't trust that. I just wanna do what we were doing a few months ago, and I want to enjoy our company again.
Ice Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th September 2017, 3:47 PM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 33
So yesterday was my birthday, and she was kind enough to text me and said happy birthday to me. However, I am very confused with this situation, and it's starting to drain me.


I am just going to back off and not text her for awhile. I think that's the best solution.
Ice Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th September 2017, 3:23 PM   #10
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 33
So I have continued to give this more thought, and have decided to not make any contact, unless she texts me. Everyone says she will definitely contact me if I do this. However, I am unsure and confused.
Ice Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th September 2017, 4:04 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,124
How old is she exactly? I agree that she likes you very much and loves the sex you provide but knows that a relationship with you may cause her to feel insecure; not to mention the gossip. If you stop contact with her she will think that you got what you wanted and moved on.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th September 2017, 4:14 PM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
How old is she exactly? I agree that she likes you very much and loves the sex you provide but knows that a relationship with you may cause her to feel insecure; not to mention the gossip. If you stop contact with her she will think that you got what you wanted and moved on.


She just turned 50. I get a vibe that she's insecure and confused, and she always did say she was worried what people would say.


You really think that's how she will feel if I don't text her? Everyone tells me to not text her because she has her hooks in me, and that this is a game. They said because of this, she will make contact with me.
Ice Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th September 2017, 4:20 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 33
I just don't know what to. I don't believe her from that fight when she said no more fling, because she flirts and acts sweet and drops subliminals. Plus, we have done this dance before, hence in my OP.
Ice Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th September 2017, 8:49 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 712
I have been in a similar fwb situation 4 times and each time there was an issue with us being together, similar to the stigma issue with you and her. What I found for me was I have two choices and only one seems to work.


1. You go on her time.


When she wants to see you she will reach out and make it happen. When she is up for it she will initiate pretty fast but most of the time she will just check in for validation.


For me this did not work because it would be obvious they would check in and had no intention of meeting up 99% of the time. They would really dangle the carrot and string out the texts until it got to the point of being "too late to come over now".


2. You take the upper hand.


When she reaches out you have to basically keep the communication limited to her either ***'ing or getting off the pot. No chit chat, no small talk.


If she sends a text and asks what's up, you respond "lots of things let's meet up at XXX Wednesday to catch up". If she says yes, great. If she says no, you pretty much need to end the text (or call) and say, "Ok, kind of busy now. We'll talk later".


Next time she texts hello, you say something like, "Hey, how about I stop by in a little bit" or "Meet me at XXX, I was just thinking about grabbing a couple of quick drinks tonight". If she says no, or I'm not sure...I want to...I don't know if we should...just drop it and say ok, you're heading out now so she can hit you up another day. Not mean or rude or butt hurt, but make it clear you are not interested in investing time in only validating her.


It sounds bad but you'll train her pretty quickly that if she reaches out to you, it is to hook up. She will start only reaching out to after she has decided she wants to hook up (or meet up in person where you know where it will lead). She will know you are not going to waste time on idle chat or be there for validation only.


#2 does work. I found in 2 and 1/2 of the cases doing this stopped the, "Hey I thought of you" going nowhere conversations and I would get a text after weeks and in one case months that said, "You free tonight?". The .5 was one that worked twice initially and then reverted to short validation texts.


At least that is what I have found.
ChatroomHero is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th September 2017, 9:07 PM   #15
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChatroomHero View Post
I have been in a similar fwb situation 4 times and each time there was an issue with us being together, similar to the stigma issue with you and her. What I found for me was I have two choices and only one seems to work.


1. You go on her time.


When she wants to see you she will reach out and make it happen. When she is up for it she will initiate pretty fast but most of the time she will just check in for validation.


For me this did not work because it would be obvious they would check in and had no intention of meeting up 99% of the time. They would really dangle the carrot and string out the texts until it got to the point of being "too late to come over now".


2. You take the upper hand.


When she reaches out you have to basically keep the communication limited to her either ***'ing or getting off the pot. No chit chat, no small talk.


If she sends a text and asks what's up, you respond "lots of things let's meet up at XXX Wednesday to catch up". If she says yes, great. If she says no, you pretty much need to end the text (or call) and say, "Ok, kind of busy now. We'll talk later".


Next time she texts hello, you say something like, "Hey, how about I stop by in a little bit" or "Meet me at XXX, I was just thinking about grabbing a couple of quick drinks tonight". If she says no, or I'm not sure...I want to...I don't know if we should...just drop it and say ok, you're heading out now so she can hit you up another day. Not mean or rude or butt hurt, but make it clear you are not interested in investing time in only validating her.


It sounds bad but you'll train her pretty quickly that if she reaches out to you, it is to hook up. She will start only reaching out to after she has decided she wants to hook up (or meet up in person where you know where it will lead). She will know you are not going to waste time on idle chat or be there for validation only.


#2 does work. I found in 2 and 1/2 of the cases doing this stopped the, "Hey I thought of you" going nowhere conversations and I would get a text after weeks and in one case months that said, "You free tonight?". The .5 was one that worked twice initially and then reverted to short validation texts.


At least that is what I have found.

Thank you, I will try that! Well, stupid me texted her saying hi today. She replied back literally within a minute. My response to it was only two words to keep it short and simple. She has yet to respond to it.
Ice Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Why is this guy sending mixed signals? ilovemusic3 Dating 3 12th January 2016 10:47 AM
Is he sending me mixed signals? Lolita_Sky Dating 2 10th October 2013 7:13 PM
GF Sending Mixed Signals????? Silvio Friends and Lovers 14 28th August 2010 4:53 AM
She is sending mixed signals PAP Second Chances 9 4th January 2006 7:33 PM
My G/F is sending me mixed signals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!! JetScooterSteve Dating 16 1st March 2004 11:00 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:52 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.