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is the friendzone actually real?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 6th August 2017, 3:29 AM   #16
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Here is how it works for me:

1. If I like a guy but we hang out and either he doesn't try to kiss me or tell me he likes me then I switch off any feelings of fancying him and transition into being platonic friends - I've never found this to be difficult.

Plus, if I do like a guy but he hasn't had the guts to display any romantic interest when he has it then he's not the type of man I'd want to date (which is why it's easy to turn off any feelings I might have).
I prefer guys who know what they want and go for it or at least make it obvious they are attracted so I have reasonable enough insight to ask them out knowing the response will be a positive one.

2. If I am not attracted in any physical way at all but we get on well then he starts out a friend and to me is just a friend.
If at some point much later he expresses romantic interest and I'm not feeling it then he is clearly looking for more than I can give and not a true platonic friend and therefore someone I would see less and less of as I would rather he be happy and find someone who likes him in that way because it won't ever be me,

3. There is another type of man too who will express nothing at all but friendship but then out in a group will cling to your side or make gestures that you're his property in some way which others pick up on. This I really don't like. It's manipulative and because he has not prior to this expressed any romantic interest to me it feels like my choice or my thoughts are irrelevant to him and it's just all about him and what he wants.
This 'friend' is dropped like a hot potato.

4. The friend who is a true friend only. Yeah, this happens too. Perhaps at one stage they might have had an interest in me romantically or vice versa but the friendship over a long period of time grows naturally and just becomes solid.
These guys stay as a friend. You love each other like brother and sister. neither one has pangs of jealousy when the other one dates or has relationships - instead the over- riding feeling is that you want to meet them and become friends too with the person they're dating. The person they're dating is of value to you too so they get respect and know for a fact from your actions that there is no threat whatsoever from you.
You can still be friends but also each one knows when to back off and let the other's new relationship grow.
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Old 6th August 2017, 9:10 AM   #17
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Here's my experience:

1. I have life-long female friends and we stay in touch here and there. Texting back and forth or the occasional round of coffee or dinner. There maybe something more between us then just friendship but it's not worth losing that friendship to pursue it. I had that kind of situation pop up recently and I'm trying to mend fences so we can get back to our friendship.

2. I date a woman and it doesn't work out for one reason or another. Whether or not decide to stay friends depends on several factors:

-I'm willing to remain friends if we get along well but there just wasn't a physical attraction between one or the both of us but we get along well and have good conversations.

-We'll stay friends if it didn't work out romantically because we have very different lifestyles but, again, we can chat and enjoy each other's company.

- I will not remain friends with a woman if it's obvious that our personalities clash. And, that's just common sense as I don't keep male friends if our personalities don't mesh.

-I won't be friends if they're not into me but I'm really attracted to them. I'm not taking they're lack of interest personally but I know myself and I could end up Friend-zoning myself in this situation. I've tried once over the last few years but I was couldn't ditch my attraction to them and I had that "IF SHE'D ONLY GIVE ME A CHANCE!!!" thought lingering in my head. I cut it off quickly as it was just pretty pathetic.

-And, finally, the obvious; the women don't want to remain friends with me for a variety of reasons.

3. I meet a woman randomly and there were no romantic over tones on the first place. We chat, get along, and have a light-hearted friendship. I work with a woman who I am pretty good friends with but it basically remains a work-friendship and we only keep in contact there.
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Old 6th August 2017, 2:01 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by GemmaUK View Post
Here is how it works for me:

1. If I like a guy but we hang out and either he doesn't try to kiss me or tell me he likes me then I switch off any feelings of fancying him and transition into being platonic friends - I've never found this to be difficult.

Plus, if I do like a guy but he hasn't had the guts to display any romantic interest when he has it then he's not the type of man I'd want to date (which is why it's easy to turn off any feelings I might have).
I prefer guys who know what they want and go for it or at least make it obvious they are attracted so I have reasonable enough insight to ask them out knowing the response will be a positive one.

2. If I am not attracted in any physical way at all but we get on well then he starts out a friend and to me is just a friend.
If at some point much later he expresses romantic interest and I'm not feeling it then he is clearly looking for more than I can give and not a true platonic friend and therefore someone I would see less and less of as I would rather he be happy and find someone who likes him in that way because it won't ever be me,

3. There is another type of man too who will express nothing at all but friendship but then out in a group will cling to your side or make gestures that you're his property in some way which others pick up on. This I really don't like. It's manipulative and because he has not prior to this expressed any romantic interest to me it feels like my choice or my thoughts are irrelevant to him and it's just all about him and what he wants.
This 'friend' is dropped like a hot potato.

4. The friend who is a true friend only. Yeah, this happens too. Perhaps at one stage they might have had an interest in me romantically or vice versa but the friendship over a long period of time grows naturally and just becomes solid.
These guys stay as a friend. You love each other like brother and sister. neither one has pangs of jealousy when the other one dates or has relationships - instead the over- riding feeling is that you want to meet them and become friends too with the person they're dating. The person they're dating is of value to you too so they get respect and know for a fact from your actions that there is no threat whatsoever from you.
You can still be friends but also each one knows when to back off and let the other's new relationship grow.
Yeah, and no one should put up with a Number 3 (gemma's), male or female, because they don't have what it takes to be with you AND they're going to make sure no one else is either, and they're manipulative and controlling so if you DID get with them, they'd be a problem.
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Old 6th August 2017, 2:55 PM   #19
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It's a scam and like scams in other aspects of life there are always those, a never ending supply, who fall for the scam.

For the reverse of the usual gender roles, watch how a popular guy with groupies handles his orbiters, how he massages them and leads them on and plucks one now and again to satisfy his carnal desires then tosses them back into the paddock. It's simply the sexual version of the classic confidence scam.

In equitable and healthy relationships, the friendzone, the pejorative term, doesn't exist. People treat each other with decency and respect and, sure, some people are platonc and some are romantic but the boundaries are clearly drawn and with respect. It's the scammers who give rise to the pejorative term.
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Old 6th August 2017, 9:09 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by Amazin View Post
https://www.buzzfeed.com/gracespelma...nB#.dqqYLLlPX2

Personally I don't think its real. Friendship is something different. almost always its just another way of labeling rejection
I hope Im reading this thread correctly. I have always had more women for friends than guys. Some lines you just dont cross. Period.

I like to hang out with a gal that likes shared interests but I know better then to try goofy crap for a one time lap around the block. I did it with a friend in college and it ended in misery. She made the move on me because we were hanging out and drinking, and till this day I think about what that night did. Train wreck and I lost a good friend. Never again and as you get older you should be able to feel out a person better than when your in your 20s.

I have no idea.
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Old 7th August 2017, 1:17 AM   #21
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I thought some women in the end fall for a friend? They talk to a friend about their lives, like a confession. Somewhere down the line they get closer and then you have a foundation for a good relationship (up to marriage).
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Old 7th August 2017, 1:31 AM   #22
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I thought some women in the end fall for a friend? They talk to a friend about their lives, like a confession. Somewhere down the line they get closer and then you have a foundation for a good relationship (up to marriage).
I've fallen for someone who I met and who became a friend over a few months but it was clear from both sides there was a lot of attraction there and that it was growing over the few months I knew him.

I've never yet fallen for a long time male friend though and can't see that ever happening.
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Old 7th August 2017, 8:30 AM   #23
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I thought some women in the end fall for a friend? They talk to a friend about their lives, like a confession. Somewhere down the line they get closer and then you have a foundation for a good relationship (up to marriage).
I have seen this happen but it's been a rare occurrence, for any number of reasons.

I firmly believe the Friend-zone exists because of naivety from both sides. Many woman fail to recognize an orbiter and believe that these male "friends" truly believe in platonic relationships. It takes an orbiter doing something inappropriate or confessing their undying love for them to figure it all out. But, as I have pointed out before, social media makes it much easier for orbiters to hang around and cling to hope as they can stay somewhat involved in a woman's life at the touch of a button.

This is a generalization based on experience, but I have found that many men struggle with platonic relationships. Many men will just tap out of a situation when they realize there is no chance at a romantic relationship. Others will be attracted to a woman, one way or another, and will toss themselves into the Friend-zone. I s'pose there are varying levels of the Friend-zone. Some guys are comfortable with the platonic relationship but still hold hopes of a relationship at some point. Others are full-on "Ducky" (watch "Pretty In Pink") and have convinced themselves that, given time and communication, their female "friend" will come around and the feeling will be reciprocated.

At the end of the day, I think it is important for women to realize that the Friend-zone certainly does exist. I have had several relationships over the years where my significant other could not accept the fact that at least a few of their male "friends" were nothing more than creepy orbiters. Hell, one of them ended up with a stalker who went into her house and left baked goods for her while she was asleep. He was a long time "friend" that upped the anty when she became single. Yet she STILL couldn't see that there were plenty of guys that kept in touch with her for the wrong reasons.
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Old 16th August 2017, 8:46 AM   #24
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last couple dates I went on, after I told the guys I didn't think we were a match, they said "well I'd still like to be friends". I get a lot of that's probably just a buffer from being let down, but a lot of times that's just a method for guys to get in and try to change your mind. A sec ago you were trying to sleep with me.. there's no foundation for a friendship here

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Old 16th August 2017, 5:18 PM   #25
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I thought some women in the end fall for a friend? They talk to a friend about their lives, like a confession. Somewhere down the line they get closer and then you have a foundation for a good relationship (up to marriage).
Not usually. Usually if they confess to them and then find out the person was just pretending to be just a friend, they get mad and embarrassed and it ends the friendship. That scenario you mentioned is just in some movies but it rarely ever does anything but backfire in real life because women don't respect a fearful hestitant guy or one who pretends to be just their friend.
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Old 16th August 2017, 5:20 PM   #26
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last couple dates I went on, after I told the guys I didn't think we were a match, they said "well I'd still like to be friends". I get a lot of that's probably just a buffer from being let down, but a lot of times that's just a method for guys to get in and try to change your mind. A sec ago you were trying to sleep with me.. there's no foundation for a friendship here
And that aspect about a man thinking they can change your mind makes women mad because it's as good as telling her the man knows what's best for her and not her own brain and heart, very insulting.
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Old 16th August 2017, 10:33 PM   #27
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I agree with the people who say 'friendzoned' is kinda derogatory word for the concept for friendship. I know sometimes we want what we want but ive felt that if youre fond of someone you try to maintain a relationship with them, and it doesnt necessarily have to be a romantic one. I am good friends with my ex, although i have no lingering romantic feelings for her whatsoever, and i do love her absolutely still. And as ive posted on the other thread, this new girl that i seem to have fallen for, if she rejects me romantically, after ive asked her out(as has been pointed out to me!), ill still not mind being friends with her cos she seems to me a terrific human being, but i wont burden her with my expectations or anything. It takes a while, but taking a no as a no is not really difficult .
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Old 17th August 2017, 2:23 PM   #28
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^ Good attitude. But still, ask a woman out if you want more and do it right away and you won't have to end up in the friend bucket.
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Old 17th August 2017, 5:32 PM   #29
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I agree with the people who say 'friendzoned' is kinda derogatory word for the concept for friendship. I know sometimes we want what we want but ive felt that if youre fond of someone you try to maintain a relationship with them, and it doesnt necessarily have to be a romantic one. I am good friends with my ex, although i have no lingering romantic feelings for her whatsoever, and i do love her absolutely still. And as ive posted on the other thread, this new girl that i seem to have fallen for, if she rejects me romantically, after ive asked her out(as has been pointed out to me!), ill still not mind being friends with her cos she seems to me a terrific human being, but i wont burden her with my expectations or anything. It takes a while, but taking a no as a no is not really difficult .
The "Friend-Zone" doesn't have anything to do with a true platonic relationship. It's when someone is trying to weasel their way into a romantic relationship under the guise of a platonic relationship.
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Old 17th August 2017, 6:49 PM   #30
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^ Exactly.
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