Married and frustrated.

[Bkhill]

My wife and I recently celebrated 15 years and have bothe been faithful. But The last 8 years intimacy has been chilly. The last 2 years she has dodged my advances toward her and I am frustrated. I don't want to feel like this but I miss the intimate connection.

I've thought of cheating but the community I live in and my job make it so difficult to be discreet. How can I find some relief?

[GorillaTheater]

I'd say you start by making a solid effort to restore intimacy in your marriage: talk to your wife. A lot. Go to a marriage counselor if that proves shaky. Examine your own role in the loss of intimacy, including ensuring that you're an attractive partner, both physically and emotionally. And in terms of integrity.

 

 

If, after a serious and sustained effort, you're not where you want to be, file for divorce and get all the strange you want.

[Hobart_Carboys]

My wife and I recently celebrated 15 years and have bothe been faithful. But The last 8 years intimacy has been chilly. The last 2 years she has dodged my advances toward her and I am frustrated. I don't want to feel like this but I miss the intimate connection.

I've thought of cheating but the community I live in and my job make it so difficult to be discreet. How can I find some relief?

 

Things do fall apart, you understand. Aren't you a little bit sick of waiting servant-like upon your wife's moods? Your wife is hiding herself and not being honest and open about her lack of interest and desire. She is being evasive. Tell her what you want and expect. If she can't be open--and sexually open as well-- then forget about wasting money and precious years on marriage counselors. Don't give her months, not even weeks, give her a few days--after all, you're just asking her to talk and to stop her hiding and evasiveness. Tell her what you need to be happy and then make sure you get it; if she can't deliver, well, then... It's not like you're asking her to give you something that she must work at to give you.

[lillybelle]

That's a hard situation to be in. You're probably missing sex and the emotional and affectionate intimacy that comes with it too. You probably won't find that in a casual encounter. Then you'll have horrible guilt and know in your mind that your marriage is practically over and you're keeping a huge secret.

Be up front with her. Tell her you're feeling frustrated, lonely and your needs aren't being met. Do it gently and don't be defensive or aggressive. Just say you need to talk, say you feel you're out of options and you've waited too long. It's not a threat, just that you feel like it's so hard to go on like this. You crave intimacy and some hot sex! Then you can start from there and figure out if you can both fulfil each other's needs.

I'm a very honest person and I can't sit silently when my needs are not being met. Because of this, I attract partners who are similar or have a deep down urge to be more honest with themselves and others. I would hope my partner would come to me if he was unsatisfied and tell me why and we can work on it. But I understand there are some people in relationships who struggle with communication or become uncomfortable with it because of a non receptive partner. Don't let her silently evade such an important part of your relationship, but also be understanding of her feelings too. Talk tactfully yet directly, and if she cares about the relationship, hopefully she will take some steps towards improving the situation. Whether that's getting more in touch with her sexuality again or exploring things that may be affecting her medically. Maybe she's stressed, anxious, depressed, peri menopausal/menopausal or having hormonal issues, maybe she doesn't feel sexy anymore. Maybe she has a craving for something you don't know about. Maybe she has needs that aren't being met. But it all starts with talking openly...

[Friskyone4u]

OP,

 

The first thing you have to do is figure out exactly why she is rejecting your advances. That starts Edith some blunt conversation and maybe some MC.

 

You say you are thinking of cheating on her. You might want to make sure she is not cheating on you, and I do NOT mean by asking her.

 

Women emotionally and/or physically involved with other men often have to detach physically from their husbands. They do not want to "cheat" on the boyfriends and they have to demonize and find husband repulsive in order to justify what they are doing.

 

There is a reason this is happening . Right now you are accepting it is happening without finding out why

[The_Onceler]

My wife and I recently celebrated 15 years and have bothe been faithful. But The last 8 years intimacy has been chilly. The last 2 years she has dodged my advances toward her and I am frustrated. I don't want to feel like this but I miss the intimate connection.

I've thought of cheating but the community I live in and my job make it so difficult to be discreet. How can I find some relief?

 

As others have said, talk to her. Don't fool yourself into thinking that your marriage will be OK if you are able to find some other woman who will satisfy your sexual needs. The mere fact that you are in the place that you are with your marriage indicates that it is failing (or failed?). Even if you find some other woman, you will only be slapping a band-aid on your failing marriage, and it will all unravel regardless.

 

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, by just being open and honest with your wife.

 

I can tell you that, in my recent experience, when my ex grew colder and colder in the way you describe, it was merely a symptom of all the other things that were going wrong in our relationship. And in the end, she was finding her satisfaction alone and with another man.