Im 32, succesful and independant. I've been dating a girl for 3 years (she is 25 and beginning her working career) and she wants to get married eventually.
She wants a commitment\agreement to marriage within 5 years from now. I cannot imagine life without her, but I literally feel 'scared' and i dont know why.
I have asked myself why, and the answers i get are:
A lot of resonsibility
A lot of pressure
A fear of getting sick of each other
A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world
I feel that life wont be 'fun' anymore. Whats wrong with me? Any advice would be appreciated.
IF she is as wonderful as you say she is, some other guy will snatch her up and marry her away from you.
Marriage is more than a piece of paper BTW.
And if you don't want kids, get a vasectomy ASAP. They are cheap and pain free.
If she is going to devote her energy to you, then she deserves more than you are willing to give her.
Definitely agree if she is that wonderful ,what is the problem with commitiing to a marriage with her? If you don't snatch her up someone and you will regret it.. It isn't like you are too young ,i think you just don't want to be tied down to one person!!!
Basically, you are saying that all the 'fears' you have are all HER fault.
Hey, back off a little. Rex specifically said "what's wrong with me?". We should at least give him the benefit of the doubt and start by assuming that he wants to face up to his issues.
Quote portableversion your selfishness is astounding.
Basically, you are saying that all the 'fears' you have are all HER fault
I totally disagree with this conclusion. Here are his reasons: A lot of resonsibility
A lot of pressure
A fear of getting sick of each other
A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world
I feel that life wont be 'fun' anymore.
In no way blaming her.
But Rex, ol` buddy, it is decision time. Your gal is 25 and is thinking the real deal. You either have to put up or shut up and hit the road. No one can make that decision but you.
She wants a commitment\agreement to marriage within 5 years from now. I cannot imagine life without her, but I literally feel 'scared' and i dont know why.
Well, I think anyone who takes commitment seriously will be a little apprehensive about marriage.
However, there seems to be more in your case. How do you cope with other long term commitments? How is/was your parents relationship?
You should have a fear of marriage. She has a 75% percent chance of leaving you and if so you will get screwed in divorce court. Who can blame you. I don't know her but if she is truly sincere about loving you she will give you a prenup. marriage can be great with the right person but be careful.
Basically, you are saying that all the 'fears' you have are all HER fault.
I absolutely love it when the responses are all judgement-based and don't really offer any helpful advice. Ya really know people care when they do this...
Anyways, your fears are not uncommon. Some people base their lifestyle on these convictions and choose to never marry or have children, and that's FINE.
What you need to examine is why you feel that this pathway isn't right for you, and you need to be with someone who feels the same way, right? That's only fair...
Quote:
A lot of resonsibility
How would this be different in marriage? Do you feel you would be responsible for her welfare? Is she not responsible for herself?
Quote:
A lot of pressure
Pressure to do what, exactly? How is this different when you are in a longterm commited relationship outside of marriage?
Quote:
A fear of getting sick of each other
How is this different in a LTR (longterm relationship)?
Quote:
A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world
Do you have to have children if you're married? Have you considered that you might help make a person who could do something positive in this horrible world?
I've been married and divorced. I don't think I'll get married again and that is my personal choice. I'm happy with it at this point, and I'm flexible and may change my mind later on...but I think the issue is why you lack confidence in your convictions, or perhaps this isn't a conviction?
She wants a commitment\agreement to marriage within 5 years from now. I cannot imagine life without her, but I literally feel 'scared' and i dont know why.
Dude, I'd be much more worried if you were not scared of marriage.
Rex, you have every right to be scared. But, think of it this way... how would your life be without her? Would you be happy and be able to continue on with out her? Something to think about if anything.
Everything in our lives is responsibility, pressure, committment. So, what's wrong with adding another to the pile?
As far as "getting sick of eachother".. I felt that way too before I moved in with my b/f.. I was scared to death to even make that move, finally did and its the best thing I've ever done... we are so much happier now and our relationship is growing even more so.
Now, your 32 you said? Her 25.. that's 7 years difference. I am 28, guy is 36.. same age.. and I am happy just being with him, if marriage happens, it happens, if not.. does not mean my love for him is any different.. the choice is all yours, I suppoirt you either way!
A lot of resonsibility
A lot of pressure
A fear of getting sick of each other
A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world
It is a lot of responsibility, but no more so then a committed long term relationship. You've been with her for 3 years already, I'm assuming the two of you have worked out bill payments, buying big ticket items, and general household duties. There isn't much more responsibility than a long term relationship. In fact, it's a bit of a let down after the marriage ceremony and hoopla. You think it's all going to change, somehow it'll be different and..... nothing. It's the same as it was the day before except you just had a big party and now you're broke.
Pressure: I think there's actually more pressure before marriage. Each individual knows that they can dissolve the relationship at any time. In marriage you have a bit more of hassle getting out. (Maybe that is where you are feeling the "pressure". Worried about if it doesn't work out, and the added hassle of getting out.) I didn't feel more pressure after or before marriage. It was the same... it was still work, still compromise... Actually, I think I felt more pressure before marriage... only because all your friends bug you, your family bugs you about it... people ask all the dang time "so.. when you getting married?" After you get married, people stop pressuring about that.
If you aren't sick of her yet... then marriage won't change that. The only reason you could get sick of her in the future is if one, or both of you change, and the other isn't changing in the same direction. People can grow apart, instead of together, and that's when you become "sick of each other". But that will happen in marriage or out of marriage. The marriage doesn't change the likelihood of it happening, or not happening.
Kids: Bundles of joy from what I hear.... but after my brother described in detail how my little niece didn't make it into the bathroom in time, and he had to clean up diarrhea off the carpeted stairs.... I'll admire from afar.
Unfortunately, marriage doesn't change anything. Not a thing. If you're happy together, get along, and both are working hard for the relationship, then it will be great. Assuming the both of you continue that way. It breaks down when one person becomes lazy, or both.
Pre-nup is a great idea too. If I hadn't been a woman, I would've lost everything I'd entered the marriage with. ExH didn't have squat when he came in... but left a hell of a lot richer. I got to keep the things I had inherited.
Im 32, succesful and independant. I've been dating a girl for 3 years (she is 25 and beginning her working career) and she wants to get married eventually.
She wants a commitment\agreement to marriage within 5 years from now. I cannot imagine life without her, but I literally feel 'scared' and i dont know why.
I have asked myself why, and the answers i get are:
A lot of resonsibility
A lot of pressure
A fear of getting sick of each other
A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world
I feel that life wont be 'fun' anymore. Whats wrong with me? Any advice would be appreciated.
Rex
Amazing. The terrible advice, like the one jem of wisdom that was saying that you're selfish came from a woman. Incredible.
Rex, Marriage and kids ARE a lot of responsibility, and you WILL at get sick of her, and this world is a mess, and life will NOT be as much fun. It is inevitable. Familiarity breeds complacency which breeds LACK OF EXCITEMENT.
All your concerns are valid. As far as the selfish comment from the idiot who posted it, is he "Selfish" for actually wanting to be happy? It's dogmatic idiots who can't think on their own that give marriage a bad name.
Kids are exhausting, and physical attraction decreases over time. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. My advice? Get married when you are ABSOLUTELY certain, maybe when you're 40. Go to the gym, eat right, don't smoke, maintain your health and enjoy life.
Oh, and for the other non-thinker, if you "get sick of each other" in marriage you're screwed. The male is ALWAYS screwed legally, and God forbid you have kids. If you are in a long term relationship (NOT marriage) and things get boring you can split.
The male is ALWAYS screwed legally, and God forbid you have kids. If you are in a long term relationship (NOT marriage) and things get boring you can split.
Well, that depends...
I earn well over twice what my husband does, and I have a house/mortgage while he has diddly squat. It's not his fault - he chose the public minded occupation and I went for the money, which is ironically enough the reverse of just about every other couple in our circle. If, shudder, we divorce, even if I don't have to pay palimony (unlikely, in this jurisdiction), I will still loose the house. But, you know, so what? Life and marriage are about risk and taking a chance of someone, and handing over the prenup to my fiance with his evening cuppa is just ridiculous and mean spirited and utterly selfish. How dare I assume the right to walk away with everything after committing to him? What has society come to that we now expect divorce and disclaim all responsibility for the person we swore to love forever?
I should say, I feel differently about prenups for second marriages between people with kids – then it's about ensuring your kids are looked after, and they should come first. Even if you want to prove your love to your next seetiw, you've got responsibilities that trump that. But for first marriages? If someone handed me a prenup, I'd leave, cause clearly he's only in it for the good times, and that's not marriage.
But to comment on the actual topic: I think being scared is only sensible. It's a big, big life choice, and not something you can back out of easily. You sound happy, contented, why would you want anything to change? However, you need to respect your girl's wishes, too. If she wants marriage and you don't, and you can't reconcile yourself to it, then you'll have to accept that the two of you have different goals, and she has a right to move on. Ultimately, which is scarier – committing to her, or loosing her?
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