Gf broke it off, can't stand it, broke NC, going insane
Hey everyone,
A little background story on us, or what was us.
I am 23 and she is 25. Met her through mutual friends, since I just came to the USA, I did not know a lot of people, and tend to just stay and hang out with my little group of friends. We started hanging out, and one day, hooked up. It was great, we were both young, I was her first, and she was my third.
I loved getting that puppy love back again, loved her, but didnt want to get too serious too fast. We were great like this for about 1-1yrs1/2. I then decided to ask her to move in with me, and then all hell starts to break loose. Too young, too fast? Maybe, most probably. Also the fact that we were hanging out with the same people all the time did not help. I started loosing my identity and so did she. We started being more and more dependent off each other. When the times were great, they were awesome; however, when we were fighting, I wanted to kill myself. The fighting became incessent at the end (sept 05). She eventually moved out with one of her friend, telling me at first that she still wants to be with me. So we try out, for a month, and then same problems arise: she wants to experience on her own, she doesn't know who she is anymore.
She still says she loves me, and still wants to be friends with me, but not more. I tried to ignore her, changed phone number and all that, but after 1 week, I broke down today. I couldnt stand it anymore, since for me even though we were fighting, I still love her, and still want to be with her. I called her up and told her all that, and all she could come up with is :"im sorry it upsets you, im sorry youre sad".
she says that she is doing this because its the best thing for her, and that our relationship was consuming her too much. she says she felt trapped and guilty at all time, and she even told me she does not have the heart to fight for us anymore.
im not saying im a saint, we both did wrong things, said the wrong stuff, but after almost 3 yrs being together, almost living together for the entire time(she was mostly staying at my place from the get go), how can someone just turn like that? how can she be so cold and distant, and not even consider us possibly getting back together. I know this is ridiculous from me to even think about it, since she dumped me, and that I should move on, but I don't understand and Im going insane over this. All the usual stuff, cant eat, sleep, study, work.
Painful I know. You have to give yourself time. You have to think of whats best for you. She has been honest it seems. You seem to have been first serious bf? She, and you literally 'fell' in love, you have now hit the ground and it hurts like hell. Believe me time and distance can really get your head straight, believe in yourself, she dumped, be strong.
thanks, i know. im really trying to be strong, but today, for some reason in my subconscious, i couldnt stand it anymore.
we were always honest to each other, which was great, and now i just feel like were hiding. i dont know maybe unconscioulsly, i still think that were together, and that were just not living/seeing each other as much. by reading all the posts on the board i see that all dumpees male and female are in the same situation, trying to cope with it by being strong.
i was her first serious bf too, yes, and we had that naive love going on, just exploring everything together, and being together all the time, travelling together, discovering our stuff together.
Don't beat yourself up over slipping, its only human. Forgive yourself. Try to concentrate on where you go from here. I am sure you are a worthwhile person, we are all entitled to be 'wobbly' at times, I have 'wobbled' many times over many different things, sometimes its hard to get it all in perspective, to really see where you are, don't blame her and definately don't blame yourself.
Pat, I am going through the EXACT same thing. Everything you posted sounds like my relationship with my ex. Right down to losing your own identity. She is trying to "find herself" as well. After we broke up we spoke to each other and saw each other for a month or so. We still fought. Jealousy and insecurities just come up when you talk about what your both up to so you can't even talk about anything. We decided on a 1 month NC rule. I have broken it almost once a week. I have tried keeping busy, but it just seems like the minutes.. not even the hours drag by at times. Sound familiar? One thing that has worked for me whether it's unhealthy or not is to shift your focus. If it's another woman, so be it. Try not to spend too much time alone. Hang out at coffee shops to study.. play sports.. anything. Anytime I've felt like calling my ex up (like right now) I spend reading this site.. it helps to know that you are not alone.
I've wanted to see and talk to my ex SO MUCH..but then i come on here..and i just read other people's stories and I stop focusing so much on what I've lost. ..it helps a little...but still..I think of him ALL THE TIME. And it is hard.
Just try to stay strong..
it takes time..
I know it's scarey..
Yeah, I broke down yesterday, but a good inght sleep just helps. The way I know her, she probably was thinking that for a long long time and just did not have the courage to do it. In her own words, "she just thought about what I would do or what I would think".
By reading all the post, it does help me understand, preparing myself for the next one, and not repeat the same mistakes I guess. No matter what I'll do, it won't be enough and will never erase all the problems that we had.
today was very bad. she is just messing with my head. i am helpless, and she is moving on just fine. she is not even sad, and has already her eyes set on a new guy. our friends became her friends. everyone just let me go, making me the bad guy and wont even talk to me anymore.
i am left without anyone, and everyone is just fine and doing great. i know that things are over with the ex, but i cant even believe that she would do this and that the people that ive considered my friends are just choosing her over me.
i have this urge to call her and tell her how much of a cold heartless btch she is, but i cant and i wont.
to me she was everything. i am in the US by myself, without family, and now friends. those common friends were everything. and now i have nothing, i feel like dying.
i am unfortunately in the same situation dude without the anger bit
i feel completely gutted, lost and looking for a purpose to live, she is probably getting on just fine
i'm listening to all the same music that she loved that I had
my mum said I should call her next week but this is against all the advice about NC on here
we too have a lot of mutual friends, i can't visit 1/2 of the venues i used to visit now, my mum said i should still go and say hello to her but this is too hard
i feel like dying too while looking otherwise at why I shouldn't die, 2 weeks ago i didn't want to die, I wanted to work hard, have kids and marry this beautiful girl, i don't want to meet another girl either
like what are we supposed to do? I am trying my best to go out and stuff and do the whole dating thing again. But I can't. Knowing that the people that I relied on and thought I was friends with can betray my like that, it's a killer.
I really dont know what to do. I know that she is talking trash behind my back, which does not help either, I wish this would stop. I want to get on wth my life, and already forget about this girl, since she obviously forgot about me already.
i know that rambling on thoughts like this wont get me anywhere but i just needed to vent
Ive been going through the same things as you have. my boyriend broke up with me after 4 and a half years and i was a mess! I didnt eat, didnt sleep, i was miserable and lost all direction in my life! We had the same friends like you and your ex did and the same thing strated happened with us - all our friends seemed to become my friends and he was being left on his own, but thats not the way i wanted it and over time we have all become friends again! If your old friends feel the need to choose between you and your ex then they arnt friends worth having.
I know people say it all the time but keep busy, occupy your mind so that you dont think of her. I know its hard, trust me i do, but go out, meet new people and in time the pain will lessen.
I know you said that shes fine and is over it but maybe shes not and its just her way of dealing with it. I thought that my ex was fine and was over me within a week. but when i asked him he said he wasnt over me (even though it was his decision to break up) but he was just trying to deal with it all and didnt want people to see how upset he was - maybe its the same for your ex?!
if she is talking bad of you for no reason then at least you can know you are better off without her (someday! )
my ex isn't talking bad of me which nearly makes it worse, she is a lovely girl and didn't even talk bad of her ex of 9 years who did some bad things to her but hes fairly ok as a person
don't pressure yourself into meeting new girls, i hate this kind of advice, just do anything , i'm sitting in all day drinking but its still doing something, i'm not going to pretend to have a new girlfriend and date lots of women, i'm 31 and sick of all that!
thanks guys,
she is fine, i actually saw her at a bar that we used to hang out with all the time, and she was there with friends and her new friends. she was laughing, and looked just plain happy, something that I havent seen her be in a long time now. i cant help but thinking where my life has gone because of this relationship, when love is supposed to be nice and caring, not destructive.
i know she is not good for me anymore, and its probably her way of dealing with this, but its just plain hard.
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