A year and a half ago, this guy at work starts talking to me. I was going through a very bad time and didn't want to talk to anyone. He persisted. The way he acted, I didn't think he was married---very, very flirtatious.
We got to be friends and he became more flirtatious---making a lot of sexual comments to me. But this was all done at work--except for going out for a drink one time.
Then my dad died and when I called him, he came right over. I thought it was because he cared but now I see it differently. He used it as an opportunity. This is the first time he made physical advances towards me. I didn't discourage him though. My dad had just died, a b/f had recently broken up with me, I was all alone and there he was.
The next time he came over was my b-day. This time he brought a bottle of wine. He said it was to celebrate my b-day but now I see this differently as well. I drank one glass of wine (barely) and he drank the rest of the bottle. Things got physical but we didn't have sex. He said to me "I wish you'd just rape me so I woudn't feel guilty." He also asked if I had condoms.
Looking back I now see that those times he was hoping *I'd* attack HIM. I didn't as I'm just not the type to.
We continued to be friends and the flirting and he began marriage counseling with his wife. Even during marriage counseling, he was still coming over occasionally and things progressed to oral sex.
Things still continued with the talking and flirting at work. He had just made some very suggestive comments to me last week. But it wasn't just sex--most of the time we just talked. He told me if it was just sex, he'd be f**king me every day. He convinced me since we never had intercourse and the physical stuff was occasional.
Then this past Thursday he got pretty nasty towards me and we both said some mean things.
He's gotten mean before sometimes but this was probably the worst. He acted so cold and nasty to me, I even hinted about his wife finding out things.
Then Friday we both apologized saying we just said them out of anger. Everything was wonderful Friday (in the phone conversation).
He told me we'd still see each other, how much he liked me, etc..
This Monday (3 days later) he calls me at work in the morning and tells me we need to talk. He told me let's drive somewhere I have to tell you something. He tells me he told his wife everything and can't talk to me or see me anymore. When he told me he said he didn't know why I was so upset and that I should be happy for him.
I was crying a lot as this had devastated me. During the conversation, I told him he won't know if I lose my job now (my job is uncertain right now and he was helping me maybe find something). He just said "oh I'm sure you'll find something." Then I told him "You wouldn't even know if I died. You'd have to read it in the paper." Then he said "Don't talk like that." I again said (crying): "You wouldn't even know if I died." And he said back: "I'll read about it in the paper."
Then he says he has to go somewhere and does he want him to drive me back to the building or do I want to walk? I get out of his car crying walking along the streets of downtown sobbing and he just drives right past me. I felt like garbage (or a hooker) just dumped off.
I now have to go back to work while he can just go home. He told me at work because that's what was convenient for him.
I call him on my cell phone crying and he just hangs up on me
Last edited by liswil; 19th October 2005 at 2:05 PM..
Firstly, get a hold of yourself. Save the bawling for later.
He didn't drop you off in the middle of downtown. You got out of the car on your own.
I agree that he's an *********, but that leaves me a bit confused as to why you're so devastated. (Quick aside: no one is devastated by a relationship failure. If you want to see devastated families and people, head over to the India/Pakistan border right now.)
After all, you knew the fellow was married. So I'm really befuddled as to why you're so upset. Would it not make more sense to be thankful that this manipulative, cheating dude is now out of your life?
Don't call him again. Don't email him. Don't contact him. Don't contact his W, either and don't accept contact from her. Chances are, she was on to him for a while and has busted him finally. You won't be telling her anything she doesn't already know or suspect. She is choosing to stick it out and go to marriage counseling - and he is obviously making his choice to stay with her. Anything you do now, will simply be applied to the 'healing process'.
I know you may be thinking 'revenge', but there is no revenge to be had, either. Getting revenge means you take something away from the person they want - and right now, he doesn't want you, and he knows his wife isn't going anywere - so, there is nothing you can do or say that will have any effect except to piss him off further and make his wife that much more determined to form a united front against the "OW" to 'make it work'. He won't lose anything that he doesn't want to lose right now. His W will believe him over you, because he is showing her he wants to stay married to her.
So.. walk away.
You have an opportunity now to walk away from this. Take that opportunity and get out now while you have an 'out'. Take the steps to prevent him from coming back into your life should he decide to do so (and trust me, I have little doubt he would have anything but more pain to offer you). Change your number, your email address and your residence if you have to - and give him no way of finding you.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
The only thing now you can do is move on. Grieve, let it all out - But DO NOT contact him at all.
In time, the pain will be less and you'll care less about him. I'm sure it won't be easy but it's somthing you have to do. There is no choice here if you want to move past this.
The reason I want to tell her is because I don't think he told her the truth. I think he told her that he had a onetime slip with me last year. (they started marriage counseling in January of this year and if she knew he was cheating all the while he was acting innocent in counseling, I think she'd think differently about him.)
I don't think she knows anywhere close to the truth.
I was in a relationship where someone cheated on me. I believed his stories---turns out they weren't even close to the truth--it took me years to figure that out. If I had known the truth, I'd have left him much sooner than I did.
Lis... there is one thing here that is not going to be easy to hear. The 'truth' is whatever she is going to accept for herself. Even if it not how it really is, nothing you say is going to change her mind or make the 'reconciliation' any less likely to happen. Chances are very high that now that he is so "sincere" about things, that she will believe anything he tells her, including any untruths like "the OW is a stalker", "the OW is a pathological liar", "the OW will stop at nothing to get what she wants", "the OW wants to hurt you" ... etc.
And you know why she will believe him? Because she wants to.
You can contact the W, but I'm sure he has already let her know to expect it and has already 'briefed' her on what you are likely to say. A guy like that doesn't tell his W that he cheated until his own ass is completely covered and he knows that he no longer has anything to lose.
It might give you some sense of 'closure' to tell her the truth, but I don't know that it will have much effect other than that. You may find yourself on the wrong end of a restraining order if it gets bad enough. Just be careful.
The reason I want to tell her is because I don't think he told her the truth. I think he told her that he had a onetime slip with me last year. (they started marriage counseling in January of this year and if she knew he was cheating all the while he was acting innocent in counseling, I think she'd think differently about him.)
I don't think she knows anywhere close to the truth.
I was in a relationship where someone cheated on me. I believed his stories---turns out they weren't even close to the truth--it took me years to figure that out. If I had known the truth, I'd have left him much sooner than I did.
Follow Lucrezia's advice hon. It's not your place to tell his wife anything--even if the lying jerk didn't tell her the whole truth. Besides, spouses who are cheated on usually have some inkling about what's going on. Odds are if he told her about "a slip up", she probably suspects more anyway.
And even if she doesn't suspect anything else, trust me, it won't do her any good to hear the details from the OW...seriously, can you imagine what that would be like for her?
You're hurting, understandably. But this guy or anything else concerning his life, isn't worth anymore of your energy.
...but you already know that, don't you?
__________________ Sticks and Stones are hard on bones
aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything
but Silence breaks the heart...
It might give you some sense of 'closure' to tell her the truth, but I don't know that it will have much effect other than that. You may find yourself on the wrong end of a restraining order if it gets bad enough. Just be careful.
I agree with the stuff you've said. However, why would I get a restraining order just for calling someone? They'd have to tell me not to call first.
Frankly I'm doing it because he treated me like dirt and he deserves it. Why should he get off scott free? If she doesn't want to believe it, then she's pretty stupid and in that case, serves her right I guess.
But you know---if I was his wife---I'd want to know if my husband messed around together in his car--in the seat she's used to sitting in.
DO you really want her to know or are you hoping by telling her she will kick him out and then come to you? I'm not sure what you want to happen...
Either way, you have to make your own closure. Ruining her isn't going to make you feel any better...I think at the end of the day, you'll regret it.
He isn't your concern anymore and if you contact her, I agree with LB, who knows what may come your way...Including a RO.
No, I'm not entertaining any thought of him coming back to me. Even if he would, I couldn't forget how he treated me the other day---just make her cry at work and drive right off.
In the past, there were times I did entertain that thought but not now. I'm going to try calling him one more time later---from a different number.
Personally I hope my message the other day saying I'd talk to his wife put him in the hospital with a REAL heart attack.
You know, he's the one with the nice job, the nice house, the nice family. Why should he get to go back to that with no repercussions and I get crap?
Also, he's got a high profile job at work (we don't work together---just in the same building.) He knows a lot of people in the building as he deals with them in business matters.
Just a few weeks ago, he was flirting with me in the hall and this guy passed by. Turns out he knew the guy. Suddenly he acted really professional--talking to me about jobs. He introduced the guy to me telling the guy how he was talking to me about jobs. When the guy left, he told me that the guy knows his wife.
Then he went back to flirting very suggestively to me.
Because it is over between the two of you and just reading what you wrote,
Quote:
Frankly I'm doing it because he treated me like dirt and he deserves it. Why should he get off scott free? If she doesn't want to believe it, then she's pretty stupid and in that case, serves her right I guess.
But you know---if I was his wife---I'd want to know if my husband messed around together in his car--in the seat she's used to sitting in.
that isn't your place anymore to get involved. You will be messing with HER life as well as his. Yeah, be angry with him, but don't do this. It's called revenge and it's wrong. It's cruel too. She knows he cheated and you know what? SHE is in pain, as much and probably more than you! HE tooks vows, he broke them... He broke the marriage and her trust, faith in him. DO you know what that probably has done to her? Isn't that enough?
Uhmm, he now has to FIX his marriage, his life with his wife, friends, family and kids if he has any.
You are angry, that is fine, but don't do this out of anger and resentment. I think when you calm down and see the whole picture you will regret it if you do anything like you say you're going to do.
that isn't your place anymore to get involved. You will be messing with HER life as well as his. Yeah, be angry with him, but don't do this. It's called revenge and it's wrong. It's cruel too. She knows he cheated and you know what? SHE is in pain, as much and probably more than you!
I REALLY don't think he told her the truth--or close. I know she doesn't think that he's done that this year all the while in marriage counseling.
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