i am from India and new to this site. i have been in the USA for 6 years now but i don't have a clue when it comes to dating as i have never done it before. i have posted my story below and would love to hear from you, especially the women! its quite a long story so be patient
around 2 months ago i met an american woman (she is actually half-german/half-japanese) in the train when we both were returning back from work from san francisco. we started chatting and it went really well. after some days i met her again and it happened that we both were getting the train from the same stop but just at different times. this time again we had a good chat and she proposed that we meet for lunch (she works in a different company but our office buildings are close). so we do lunch and that went smoothly as well and then she said we should go to the baseball game. and also she said she would love to go sky-diving with me in the next couple of weeks. i was unable to figure out whether she was interested in me or she was just being friendly. we both are in our late twenties (she is 28 and i am 29) and i know for sure that she doesn't have a boyfriend. we had some more lunches together (again it was she that initiated). when we both meet we have a very good time.. she laughs a lot, keeps adjusting her hair.. but doesn't touch me. once we both took the train at the same time but before i could sit next to her some other woman sat beside her. once the train started she started to look around for me, then got up from her seat, found me and asked that woman to trade seats with another guy that was seated next to me. i kinda felt happy but i didn't know what to make out of it. she always makes sure that i am seated next to her.
at this stage i got terribly confused whether she was into me or she was just a good friend. but i decided to take my chances and so the next time i met her for lunch i gave a compliment "i have to say that u have such beautiful eyes" (she really does have wonderful eyes). she appeared to be happy and she said thanks. the same day evening while in the train i asked for her cell number and she happily gave it to me. from the next day she started sending me text messages and i felt more than happy. on friday, as planned, we
went to the game but guess what? there was no game scheduled. apparently she looked at the wrong schedule. so we just decided to hang-out in San Francisco and oh my god.. we had such an unbelievable time. we talked a lot, walked along the piers, laughed a lot, got to know each other better, ate outside overlooking the bay bridge.. in a nutshell it just seemed so magical. she enjoyed it as much as i did and said "we shud do this more often". after nearly 6 hours we took the train back to our place. but one important thing to note is, all through those 6 hours she didn't touch me at all.. she was taking off for the long weekend and so in the train i said "i will miss you" and tried to hold her hands.. guess what she did? she flinched and said "u r very touchy, i don't like it" . i was confused and after that i kept quiet and bid farewell.
thought i was upset with her i continued my relation with her. but now i made it a point to not touch her even by mistake. by this time she had moved to the city to a temporary place provided by her company. she seemed to continue to like me in the same way as before the "touchy" comment incident. she offered me rides in her car and she also makes sure that she takes the long route so that she can spend more time with me. now i was getting confused again.
last friday we made plans for the evening. initially we thought about movies but then i suggested dinner. She agreed and she also went one step beyond and said "dinner and bowling". I felt happy as usual. So she gave a ride in her car (again she took the long route) and we went to her apartment first. She changed to jeans before we left for dinner. Once we got in the car and started towards the restaurant i gave a comment "hmmm.. somebody is looking cute in jeans". This is the first time i am seeing her in jeans and i made that comment. Guess what she did? She broke my heart by saying "Don't say that... Please don't make such comments, I am your friend!" . I felt horrible and somehow managed to hide my feelings and disappointment.
at present i am seeing her only as a friend. we met for lunch again and things r going smoothly. i even spend time in her new apartment in the city. and she is still finding one way or the other to spend time with me.. like offering car rides, inviting for lunch/dinner, asking me to come to her apartment etc.
now my question is what exactly is this woman upto? why is she behaving like this? am i wrong in misinterpreting her actions? i am sorry, i am completely lost. this is the first time i went out with an American woman and i have to be frank and say that i am very hurt. do such things usually happen when people go out?
I can't speak for her, as to what her intentions are.
It appers you have done everything right thus far to indicate your feelings. As a hot blooded American woman, if I were looking for a guy to date, you certainly would have caught my attention. AND, I would have reciprocated little touches or other flirty-ness to show you. So, no, I don't think that is normal behaviour, but I am more forward when it comes to things like that. There are many different personalities in this world!
So I don't understand her actions, and I can't pass judgement on them either...
In my opinion, if you want to see results, you seem to have two options.
1) Tell her how you feel and ask her out an official romantic date.
OR
2) Never speak of how you feel about her and plan to continue this as a platonic friendship.
If you tell her what YOUR intentions are, of course there is the risk of pushing her away because it will be akward after that if she doesn't return the feelings. If her heart is true to her actions, she may really only want a friendship. (But I suppose there is a small possiblity that she is playing hard to get. Having never played the game, I don't understand it.)
Perhaps you can talk to her in a way that will reveal her intentions.
I can't really give suggestions on what to say here, because I don't know the relationship like you do.
Anyone else?
__________________
"The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of." Blaise Pascal
Last edited by sanso; 22nd September 2005 at 4:37 PM..
i am from India and new to this site. i have been in the USA for 6 years now but i don't have a clue when it comes to dating as i have never done it before.
She broke my heart by saying "Don't say that... Please don't make such comments, I am your friend!" . I felt horrible and somehow managed to hide my feelings and disappointment.
I'm sorry to say this, but she only sees you as a very very good friend and that's why she doesn't want you to touch her or make comments that signal the slightest sexual interest in her.
She's either playing games with you because she seems a bit to be too old for not realizing how things work between men and women or she's some sweet cute bumpkin.
Try the following if you want to find out if she's really interested in you. Treat her as a purely platonic friend for a couple of months and see how she reacts. If she's interested in you, she will become frustrated because you don't make any moves. And frustration will lead to some action. Some women will just suffer in silence, but this girl doesn't seem to be the martyr kind of girl, she's been too active in approaching you, so I'm pretty sure, she will get a bit more active should she be interested in you. If nothing happens, then there is your answer.
Try the following if you want to find out if she's really interested in you. Treat her as a purely platonic friend for a couple of months and see how she reacts. If she's interested in you, she will become frustrated because you don't make any moves.
The above is, by far, the worst advice i've seen on LS in weeks...
The above is, by far, the worst advice i've seen on LS in weeks...
Hey, what about yours? Or are they not in the race?
On a second thought, it is really not such a great idea...
Noclobber, stop seeing her. She's just seeing you as a friend and you will only get hurt. If you can control your feelings and like playing games, do what I said, but if not, just stay away from her.
that's much better AIMEE. he should also spend his time looking for someone more "romantically appropriate."
Well, I didn't really read all the post and just skimmed through, so I hadn't noticed that he was head over heels for her already. My advice is not good for the weak-hearted.
I thought that my expectations were out of line but looks like they were quite reasonable. This person is really confusing and I don't know what to make out of her actions.
Some important things about her. She keeps telling that she is a Feminist. She told me she shaved her head when she was in college because some guys kept telling that she looks cute. She said that she wanted to be seen as a complete person and not just as an object of beauty. Also some of her actions appear like as though she is playing games. For example, if we decide to go somewhere on say friday, she will text message me on wednesday and say "how about thursday instead of friday". I almost immediately refuse to the change and the very next day she will say "friday is actually fine with me. let's get together". She does this almost everytime.
I am no pro at dating by any means, but if you complimented her and her reply was, "Don't say that; we are just friends!" her feelings seem pretty obvious. She would not have been that specific if she didn't really mean it. I can understand being confused by an enigmatic response -- something that could be either flirtatious or friendly -- but that left little room for doubt.
What happened here most likely is that you were very "friend like" with her from the beginning. Seeing that you weren`t making a move on here she put you in the friend catagory. It sounds as though she initially made all the plans and you were a good sport about it. So, this solidified the relationship as friends. So that is what you have. It appears this woman is really not into men in a romantic, sexual way. She is likely delighted to have a guy friend. Going to be hard for you to be anything else to her in my opinion.
Why would she put me in the "just friends" category? We met couple of times for lunch and then decided to go to the game. I used to touch her lightly all through that time. I then gave compliments about her beautiful eyes and also asked for her number. After we hung-out on friday I took her hands and said "i will miss you" and that's when she pulled it back and said "u r very touchy, i don't like it".
May be I did something wrong because I am inexperienced when it comes to dating. So looks like when a guy meets a woman he immediately has to convey his romantic interest lest he will become "only friends" with the woman. I thought this would be rushing in too fast and make me look like I am desperate. But I could be wrong, I need to learn a lot about American Dating
I agree with the previous posters. She flat out doesn't seem interested in you romantically. I do have a question though: do you ever pay for any of these events out?
__________________ "My life is my argument" - Albert Schweitzer
Noclobber,
To answer your question: Why would she put me in the just friends category?
Because the preponderance of the evidence convinced her that you were accepting a friendship. I`ve been there and done that myself. Almost exactly like you. A gal like that will be a little more touchy, feely at first but will soon draw you into line. Or should I say draw the line. I am convinced she was into you only as a friend and that is why you were "allowed" to be as close and spend as much time with her as you did.
Nope, we pay for ourselves. And this is because we never went out on an "official" date!! And with all these mixed signals i didn't ask her out. I thought there is no use in asking out a woman that is uncomfortable with me touching her or giving compliments.
My only question was why did she behave the way she did in the beginning and even accepted my compliments about her beautiful eyes and gave me her number? Is this normal or did I interpret anything wrong and started thinking that she was interested? That's my only question (Please remember that I am from another country and very new to the American dating world).
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
. i was confused and after that i kept quiet and bid farewell.
. I felt horrible and somehow managed to hide my feelings and disappointment. 
Linear Mode
