Hi everyone! I really need some good advice here! There is someone at my work with whom I speak with very often. He is very kind and sweet and we flirt with each other quite often. I have developed a HUGE crush on him and can't seem to get him out of my head!
I can't eat, sleep, think..... and it's all because he's running through my mind. He's the last thing I think of before I sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning. I try to focus on other things but it doesn't seem to help! He just makes me smile and makes me happy every time I see or talk to him. I do my share of flirting, and he ALSO does his share. You can definately feel the chemistry! I don't know if it's just my imagination but he does pay a lot of attention to me and even my co-workers have started to notice and question the flirting.
Here's where there's a twist: Both he and I are married with children to other individuals! I ABSOLUTELY have NO INTENTIONS on hooking up with him! The flirting is where is STOPS! However.... in order for the mind thing to stop (him running my mind 24/7).... should I tell him that I have a crush on him???
Once again... I HAVE NO INTENTIONS ON DOING ANYTHING WITH HIM OTHER THAN BEING FRIENDS/AQUAINTANCES!!! WE WORK TOGETHER and there is NO WAY of avoiding him!!!
So.... is it wise to tell him that I have a crush on him so that the hopes of him knowing would put an ease at the flirting??? What I am trying to ask is this: If he knows that I have a crush on him... (if the feeling is mutual) would there be a chance that since it is on the table then we would watch ourselves and not let things cross the line and that he wouldn't run through my mind as much??? Because him being on my mind is starting to affect how I act during the day (I have become quite forgetful now and almost irresponsible with my normal day to day activities) Or... should I just keep this bottled up and let him take over my head???
How should I go about dealing with this? It has come to the point that I am so nervous to go to work that I can't breath and I hyper-ventilate! I feel as though I NEED to get this OFF my CHEST!!! HELP!!!!!
I really need advice from you guys.... I am on the verge of telling him but don't know what the outcome would be.... if I would be ruing both of our lives???
Things could turn out:
a.) Things will work out well by me getting this off of my chest. Things will go smoothly and there will be an even stronger friendship between us.
-OR-
b.) Things will take a total twist... we fall for each other, act out our flirting (even though I have NO intentions to do so).... I would have then made a HUGE mistake that I EVER told him about the "crush".
-OR-
c.) He will think I am an idiot and desperate and he will no longer want to be my friend/aquaintance. He will no longer want to talk to me or look at me and I will feel ashamed.
-OR-
d.) I don't tell him and keep things going the way they are going and me start to go totally crazy for this guy and not be able to function because of my feelings. And see what happens along the road.
Please don't get me wrong... the reason I want to tell him (get it off my chest) is in hopes that I will be able to function normally again since I won't have him on the back burner. I am not HOPING for ANYTHING to come out of me telling him about my crush! I am happily married with 2 kids and I am sure he is happy as well and he also has children.... please don't think that I am doing this to break up our homes! THAT IS NOT EVEN AN OPTION!!!!! thanks for reading and for your opinions!
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Absolutely not. If your feelings for him are this strong you should be avoiding him. Letting eachother know how you feel will only open the door for more to happen. You may not mean for it to happen, but if you go down that road it will be a lot more likely.
Here's where there's a twist: Both he and I are married with children to other individuals! I ABSOLUTELY have NO INTENTIONS on hooking up with him! The flirting is where is STOPS! However.... in order for the mind thing to stop (him running my mind 24/7).... should I tell him that I have a crush on him???
NO. Don't tell him. If you feel that attraction to him, chances are he feels it too. There is NO point in telling him because by doing that you're crossing the line. Fun flirting is going to be taken to the next level...A dangerous level. Right now it's safe, you're having fun...But...You're thinking of him TOO much for it to be a crush...I think you're allowing yourself to run with this, fantizing about him, hoping that when you do tell him he'll tell you what he feels. It opens the door, when infact that door should stay closed because both of you are married and it's inappropriate to take this further.
Crushes are great once in a while, but when they creep into your head too much, that's dangerous ground. You need to make yourself just stop thinking of him. Keep busy with your husband and family, be active and don't spend all your time at work focussing on him (I'm not saying you are, but there should be days when flirting doesn't always take place.)
Quote:
a.) Things will work out well by me getting this off of my chest. Things will go smoothly and there will be an even stronger friendship between us.
By opening that door you're allowing the "what if..." senario to happen. And don't think it won't make the feelings disappear...It will enhance them, especially if he confesses he feels the same way about you! What then? I mean, what if he asks you out to dinner? How's your husband going to feel. Put yourself in your husbands shoes, would you like it if he had a crush on a woman he worked with, wanted to tell her HIS feelings, then still wanted to see a friendship developed? I don't think you'd be too happy about that...
Quote:
b.) Things will take a total twist... we fall for each other, act out our flirting (even though I have NO intentions to do so).... I would have then made a HUGE mistake that I EVER told him about the "crush".
See that is the thing...You don't have ANY control over what he'll say. I know right now you have no intention of allowing something to happen but take a little read in the OW/OM forum - See how these feelings begin and how affairs start...So innocient..No intention, but in the end the attraction seems to win out, everybody gets hurt.
Quote:
.) He will think I am an idiot and desperate and he will no longer want to be my friend/aquaintance. He will no longer want to talk to me or look at me and I will feel ashamed.
That is a possibility too, but I doubt it, especially since he's been flirting with you.
Ok I understand how you feel, we all get crushes and sometimes one has to know when to say enough. Flirting is fun, makes ya feel good and makes the day go by quickly and it's positive energy to bring home, all happy. BUT the downside is crushes like those can go intense really fast, not on purpose ofcourse, but that can happen.
Sounds like you're quite happy at home. I don't think any good could come of this situation if you tell this man how you feel.
You guys make this so much easier! Thanks for the great advice! I have had crushes before... but this is the first time while I've been married! Thanks so much! It is healpful to hear this stuff!
Crushes are fun and normal...But once yer married you can't cross that line. Those thoughts that creep into your head, wonder all the what if's...PUSH them away because you're married.
Glad to help and that is why it's better get to crushes on Movie Stars or Sports Athletes!
.... should I tell him that I have a crush on him???
You are headed for a full blown affair. You can dismiss it, deny it all you want - but trust me, you are going to have an affair with this guy at the current rate you are going. You and he have already expressed sexual interest (all that 'harmless flirting'). All the two of you need now is a 'green light'. Telling him how you feel is that 'green light'.
That's how affairs start - not that yours hasn't already started to some extent. Welcome to the world of 'emotional affairs' in which yours will likely spiral into a physical affair once you let him know that you have a crush on him. A crush isn't a crush anymore when you tell someone. As soon as you tell them, the relationship now has one thing it didn't before: intent. Telling him you have a crush on him will accomplish only one thing: it will rachet up the flirting into something far more intentional, instead of 'easing it'. Do you honestly think that if took you in his arms, backed you up against a wall, put his hand on your breast and kissed you deeply - that you would honestly be able to stop in the name of "friendship"? C'mon now. Not with how you are feeling. Let him do that a few times, and you will crack like a dime store coconut.
Even if you only intend to be 'friends' you may as well just stop fooling yourself. You'll no more be "friends" than a man in the moon. You'll just be two mutually sexually attracted married people calling yourselves "friends" to have an excuse to spend time together and fool yourselves into not feeling so bad about what you are doing.
If you want this to go no further, you have to end it now. That means you'll have to tell the guy that you don't feel your relationship is appropriate, that it will damage your marriages, and that you want no further contact with him that isn't strictly professional. But... to be honest, it sounds like you want to 'accidently end up having an affair' with him. You'll have to decide for yourself if the attraction you feel for each other is worth giving up your marriages and families for. In the heat of the moment, its pretty easy to fool yourself into thinking that you aren't really putting all of that at risk, but you are.
If you are willing to take the risk, you'll need to consider what it is you are doing and how it will likely end. Worst case: you and he will be outed to each other's spouses, family, friends, peers, and co-workers as adulterers (many BS's are advised to out the affair when they find out), your jobs will be at risk, you and he will turn on each other to save your own asses, you will have to deal with stunned/angry/betrayed spouses, STD testing, possible divorce and custody battles - basically, its a huge risk to take. Might as well picture the end of the affair up in the worst possible flames before you get started into it.
If you want to have an affair: tell him, and then you and he can have your affair. If you don't want to have an affair: cut him off cold and think of ways you can work through this - even if it means going to talk to a counselor about finding ways to cope with these feelings you are having. Those are your only options. "Friends" isn't an option - as you were never friends to begin with, so much as you were potential sex partners.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
Last edited by LucreziaBorgia; 11th June 2005 at 12:05 AM..
I really really thought that I have a happy marriage. Until I shared my info with you on this "crush" I have.... now I am beginning to think that I have sinned! : ( . I am glad I posted here and got all this feedback! It really helps to speak with others.... cheaper than a counselor! LOL! Thanks to you all! You are all sweethearts!
Just admit that you are fallible like the rest of us... oftentimes we are at our weakest when we think we are impervious to human frailty.
Doesn't mean your marriage isn't happy; it just means you're human, and that you have impulses just like everyone else, no matter how harmless they are at the surface level. Just don't act on them, that's all.
Another thing to ponder here...Would you feel comfortable telling your husband about your crush on that guy? Can you two discuss issues like this? Would he be hurt, angry or amused. If it's a truely innocent crush, then there's nothing to be concerned about ... But, the crushes that have those real intense, overwhelming feelings aren't crushes, those are deeper.
My husband is usually pretty laid back.... he's always talking about girls girls girls! However he never mentions to me about crushes. I think he would be very offende if I told him about this crush. However, since you say it would be deeper than a crush..... then what is it? I haven't even touched this guys arm before...... My name is Elizabeth and he calls me "Liz"..... is that another clue that he's pursuing me???
But I am eventually going to ignore him from now on..... or at least the flirting...... hopefully the crush fades off soon! But it's been like this now since March.... that's when he started getting my attention by starring at me.... showing up in places I wouldn't expect him to be (bumping into me a lot).... asking me questions that are more than obvious (he should already know the answers to the questions he asks me)..... major eye contact..... when I look over at him I would notice that he was starring then he would turn away as soon as I would notice him starring..... waving to me and always has such a HUGE smile on his face as soon as he saw me...... this all got my attention. He is a gorgeous man but I NEVER thought I'd fall for him!
My co-workers NEVER get this treatment from him..... and they have noticed the stares and have now questioned his motives towards me. It died down for a little while but now he is totally doing it more and more and much more noticeable than before. Maybe it's just all in my head???
Thanks for your posts though! It is much appreciated!
From the way you describe his behavior, it sounds as if he's doing everything he can to keep that spark nice and bright, until you progress to the next phase. You sound very sweet and naive (I mean this in a good way), and I think he senses this, like a shark in the open water searching for prey.
Some guys are just plain idiots... takes one to know one. Plus I've seen guys do it, mostly at work. Believe it or not, work is the best place to cruise for chicks.
Last edited by westernxer; 11th June 2005 at 1:05 AM..
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Should I tell my CRUSH i have a CRUSH??? HELP!
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