Why we bash cheating men, but feel bad for cheating women.
I recently read a thread where a guy had cheated on his girlfried with three different women, then wanted advice on how to tell her.
We bashed the heck out of him, because we thought it was a really crummy thing he did.
Not a week later, I read a thread where a woman cheated on her husband, and was worried that he was going to cheat to get back at her.
Everyone including myself was sympathetic to her.
Why?
Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason.
Whenever a WOMAN cheats and tells us about it, it's because her husband "neglected" her, or ignored her, or abused her....
Apparently, women tend to have (and this is NOT ALWAYS) totally different reasons for having affairs than men do.
So now, to all those people who are always asking, "How come whenever a man cheats, he's scum, but whenever a woman cheats, everyone says, 'aw, I'm sorry'" this is your reason. Majority of the women who cheat do so because they have lost all connection with their husband, and their husband is not interested in making it right, and the woman feels totally unattractive...when along comes someone she can have an affair with. Majority of the men who cheat have some hot woman that tears their attention away from their average wife at home.
It's a stereotype that has been given to us men. Majority of the men out there in a happy relationship will not cheat on their wives no matter how 'hot' this other woman is. I get the feeling on this board that alot of women on here are insecure in who they are. That at any moment some hussy can come prowling along and have their way with their man. That is not true. Us men do have brains and I would believe most would use the one with the bigger head.
Women in nature are most sympathetic, that's why they receive more on here. It was the way we were brought up. Women are more emotional so when they are caught cheating the tears and the crying have a way to show how sorry they "might" be. When a man shows his emotions he is thought of as weak. No one wants a weak man, so over the life of a man he is accustomed to not showing this. So when he does make a mistake and cheat he doesn't know how to properly say or do the right things to truly show how he feels.
We bash men somewhat more because it is more culpable -- men do not have the excuse of being "swept away" or taken advantage of. A dude has to be into it to cheat.
Also, we bash men because men are supposed to be more in control of their feelings. Whining about being neglected sounds worse from a man than a woman.
On the other hand, I disagree with the stratifying women's reasons for cheating versus mens. The man whose wife has let herself go or who doesn't get the naughty nookie like he used to may feel that he is being as neglected as the woman lamenting her loss of connection with the husband.
Both sexes may include high maintenence people with easily damaged egos. Men can be 'hos too.
Re: Why we bash cheating men, but feel bad for cheating women.
Quote:
Originally posted by Monday
Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason.
Whenever a WOMAN cheats and tells us about it, it's because her husband "neglected" her, or ignored her, or abused her....
Apparently, women tend to have (and this is NOT ALWAYS) totally different reasons for having affairs than men do.
Those are the stereotypical justifications and excuses given but the core reasons can be any number of things.
The real difference is that women get away with not taking accountability for their actions moreso than men do. Women are allowed to be unstable, men are expected to be in control.
Women also seem to have a hard time grasping the concept that men have needs too.
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Women also seem to have a hard time grasping the concept that men have needs too.
I agree...Men are human too and make mistakes. I feel once your needs aren't being met, you tend to be curious about how someone else would treat you and 'feel'...If you're not happy it's better just to leave than cheat, that's just me!
I don't think the gender-based "reasons" for cheating differ much between the sexes. Fundamentally, I think it comes down to the cheating spouse feeling something (lust, closeness, excitement, love, whatever) with the other person that they no longer feel with their spouse. Which of those factors it is varies with the individual. For a lot of men it's lust, that much is true.
None of which changes the fundamental nature of the cheating, whether it's done by a man or a woman. Generally speaking, it's a selfish act that temporarily relieves the cheater, at least in their own mind, of the need to address the problem in a constructive way. I mean, let's face it... which is more fun? Talking to your spouse about what's missing from your marriage/relationship and trying to fix it, or riding some random girl / guy who's new and different?
Personally, I think cheating should be treated the same regardless of the perpetrator's gender. There are lots of explanations for the behaviour, but very few excuses, short of a case of physical or emotional abuse.
I've seen a number of female cheaters "get the heck bashed out of them" on this board. Overall, I think the balance has been pretty good.
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Re: Why we bash cheating men, but feel bad for cheating women.
Quote:
Originally posted by Monday
Because whenever a man cheats and tells us about it, he cheated because...his wife was no longer attractive, or because he wasn't getting any...or some really insensitive reason.
[SNIP]
Apparently, women tend to have (and this is NOT ALWAYS) totally different reasons for having affairs than men do.
First, the CYA disclaimer: I am not attempting to justify unacceptable behavior.
It is a well-established fact that men have different sexual needs than do women. While "Not getting any" may seem insensitive to you, I feel safe in assuming that he does not consider himself insensitive. He has a need that he feels is not being met in the relationship, & this board is replete with threads about how unmet needs push people into needing space, trial separations, break-ups, etc.
There are, of course, deeper issues, the most critical one likely being a breakdown of communication & dialogue. Re-establishing this is one of the most important remedial, as well as preventive measures.
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Last edited by Scott S; 21st April 2005 at 4:57 PM..
Originally posted by Cecelius
The man whose wife has let herself go or who doesn't get the naughty nookie like he used to may feel that he is being as neglected as the woman lamenting her loss of connection with the husband.
Hmmm.... Wouldn't it be neat if there was some method by which a man might communicate those thoughts and feelings to his wife? You know, BEFORE he starts screwing some other, skinnier b*tch.
Too often, all she hears is a rash of angry crap that he doesn't even really mean, with the truth hidden in there like a needle in a haystack. She's required to wade through an entire barrage of verbal diarrhea in order to get a half-a$$ed clue as to what he's REALLY upset about.
And while I do agree with the idea that the man is truly suffering emotionally....how's his wife supposed to know it when the only emotion he shows is anger. He's not saying how he feels, he's just throwing out angry comments. At that point, he just looks like an a$$, and if she took even one word out of his mouth as the gospel truth, she'd have to take them all. THEN... well, then it just wouldn't be pretty.
(You guys ought to have an instuction manual tattooed to your backsides. It would cut down on soooo much confusion. )
So, I think that there is a valid point in that women often do a better job of verbalizing their needs and emotions, then men do prior to the affair.
*WARNING* Here's another sweeping generalization coming at ya : Men seem to try to justify the behavior more than women do when it comes to posting here. I don't know why, but it comes off like they're making excuses. Again, it could be that often, they aren't verbalizing the emotional aspect AFTER the affair either.
Last edited by Ladyjane14; 21st April 2005 at 5:27 PM..
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plus we have vaginas!
Wouldn't it be neat if there was some method by which a man might communicate those thoughts and feelings to his wife? 
You know, BEFORE he starts screwing some other, skinnier b*tch. 
)
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