I suppose the mere fact that I'm posing this question means that I know the answer & the question is rhetorical.
The other day, after being up for 30 hours & going through a few grams of coke & starting the depressing "come down day" I really wanted to log on & tell you all about it - but the come down day is always such a bitch (especially when the stuff is good - which this lot was & is) and writing about it would just make it worse, so I didn't. And of course once the come down is over I'm back to the rational guy without a problem who has everything under control. Except I'm not really sure that I do.
In the past month I've probably gone through a dozen grams (I've been using a lot longer than the past month but my usage is definitely escalating). I'm not using everyday & can go weeks without it with seemingly no ill effects. Lately however it seems that the only time I'm not using is when I'm out of the country, which to my mind suggests that my use is driven my boredom (& most likely a few other things).
All is not entirely well in my life & I feel that I have absolutely no one to confide in. I've spent years constructing the edifice of a perfect life & projecting the image of a successful sophisticate. I suppose some people I know would love to see the chink in the armour, I don't know, and like I said, I don't feel that I can confide in any of my friends! How 'effin sad is that? What's even more sad is that I can't (or won't) confide in my partner.
Anyway, I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for here & I've strayed off topic - which was my cocaine use. I'm not even sure that I should call it "recreational" seeing as how I'm using alone. This is how good I am at putting up a front - I live with someone yet am able to use coke on a fairly regular basis lately, right under their nose (no pun intended) & they haven't a clue! This of course leads to all kinds of other questions but I'll just leave those for the time being.
Well, like I said, I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for with this "true confessional" of mine. In a way I think I'm seeing what it's like to be vulnerable, to have a problem, to share a problem. For heavens sake I didn't even want to share this with a bunch of nameless, faceless strangers! So I guess it's a start.
Location: When the sky is dark with the stars shining bright, just look up and concentrate and you'll see me out in the night.
Posts: 18
Thank you for sharing this. I have just came off of a five day binge in which I probably used (smoked) about 11-12 grams I feel sad about it and depressed that I let myself get so far down. I wish I knew words of advice to offer you and a way to help you to feel better but in all honesty all I can say is I am sorry and just know that you are not alone.
I have no idea what to tell you... the only thing I can say is that the longer you use it, the harder it will be to part with it and the more it will screw with your head...
You're unhappy for some reason. Don't blame it on the coke or on your partner. She can't see through you. She can only see what you let her see.
I'm terribly sorry you ever thought about that.Throw it away. Take to smoking . It f*cks up your brain, blue. And you are an exceptional guy, had an exceptional life and just worked too damn hard to end up like that.
Confront the source of your misery and throw that ***** away. Remember that all people are weak and don't be that hard on yourself. YOu could take a few sessions with a psycologyst and see why you feel so not in control and alone. PArt of me gets your point, I also live far away from where I was born...
Don't be afraid to ask for help, blue, on the net just like in the real life.
Why not confide in your partner? That's what he's there for! Your beloved should be your 'soft place to land' as good ol' Dr. Phil says. For all his blowhardedness, he does hit it right on the head sometimes and that's one of the things he's bang on about.
But if you really can't open up to him - do it here. You've got friends and fans who'd be more than happy to lend an ear and a shoulder.
yes, i agree you have a problem and it needs sorting. the coke seems to be a symptom but it's not the cause, especially if you can go for weeks without.
you say all is not well. please find someone to speak to about this. if the problem is not with your partner, and even if it is, try to find a way to speak to him. it is sad after 5 years together you can't share something that's obviously getting you down. he may surprise you.
and sometimes you need support without answers. you shared with us. it's what we're here for. but you're a smart guy. you know the answer to this one yourself.
take care.
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sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment. ~rumi.
Hi, I'm sorry that you are going through this right now...
You do indeed have a problem with this drug. Especially if you are doing it by yourself. You should talk to your partner re: this. I have been a drug abuser in the past (my favorite was by far coke) and was in a relationship with one (whose favorite was coke) too. It's hard to walk away from... I can't do it anymore (not even recreationally) without fear of getting too connected with it again. In fact, I don't do any drugs anymore at all.
But it is possible. You can do it. You've got to try to include someone in your life in this to get through it. If you've got to talk about it here to start, hey, like you said, it's a start. Eventually you need to include someone else in the process. It's hard to do on your own.
You probably know all the ways to walk away from it. If you need any suggestions, I've got a few.
Telling us took guts and was good practice for telling your partner. Any of us that have arrived at a certain age and status have skeletons in the closet, it takes incredible strength of character to unmask to our friends. Unmasking can strengthen or destroy bonds so yes, it's damn scary.
I hope things improve for you - I think they will since you are starting to be honest with yourself.
its gonna be hard to just stop cold turkey but you gotta take it down a notch... they dont call this the
''white devil'' for nothing... it'll make you depressed, sad, mad, looking for ways to steal, cause problems at the job/ or with your family & friends, ect....
i did some over the weekend but just a gram... its the rich mans drug... i cant afford it like that. serisouly- you gotta think of allthe money you'd save if you didnt buy it. you couldve had a whole new wardrobe, new sneakers, or even something for your car. thats how i look at it now- its a waste of money...
See the problem with coke is that you fiend(sp) for more. And more and more. Thats why you go through those binges. I do it about every other weekend, but I make sure that I only get one gram, not 3 at a time. By the time I'm done with that one....my dealer is sleeping. Then the next day I come down and thats that. People say that if you do it "once in a while" it will turn into a habit. Thats where self control comes into play. If all your friends do it as heavy as you do than thats not good either....their right behind you with the rolled up dollar. Do something else. Go to the movies, anything so you and your friends aren't at your house going " Want to get some Yay"?
But you do have a problem, but a problem that you can control.
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I want to be the one he looks at, then smiles and says to his friends--that's her...
If it's merely boredom that drives your habit why don't you make some changes in your life?
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People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. - Thich Nhat Hanh
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Reading: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
from Starry_Night
I have just came off of a five day binge in which I probably used (smoked) about 11-12 grams I feel sad about it and depressed that I let myself get so far down.
ouch! are you OK?
Quote:
from CurlyIam
Take to smoking
Yikes!! Are you giving me permission to smoke?? Stupid thing is I gave up smoking over a month ago - and somehow I can still do the coke without smoking! which surprised me - usually I smoked twice as much when I was using....
Quote:
from Moimeme
Why not confide in your partner? That's what he's there for! Your beloved should be your 'soft place to land' as good ol' Dr. Phil says.
Why not? It's a good question & one that I can't honestly answer..
Perhaps Brashgal has something here....
Quote:
from Brashgal
Unmasking can strengthen or destroy bonds so yes, it's damn scary.
And I don't need help from anybody! I've always been uber-independent, made my own way in life, people depend on me,.....
I kept telling myself that it's "recreational" & that it's under control, and in a way I believe that - especially after I've slept & eaten & walked the dog - all is right again..... but if somebody else described my behaviour over the past 6 months or so I would definitely say they have a problem, so I guess it's time to be "smart" enough to realise it
Quote:
from bluetuesday
the coke seems to be a symptom but it's not the cause, especially if you can go for weeks without.
thats what I keep telling myself but it seems like those weeks are turning into days
Quote:
from shamen
You probably know all the ways to walk away from it. If you need any suggestions, I've got a few.
Some suggestions would be good - after starting this thread I called the guy & had him bring over even more - I've lost another two days - by my reckoning that's one week gone outta the past four so whatever it is that I know ain't helping right now
Quote:
from IhavenoFREAKINclue
People say that if you do it "once in a while" it will turn into a habit. Thats where self control comes into play.
I'd say they were right. Thing is I never do anything by halves, so 1g., forget it, gotta get 3 or 5 at a time & if it's a good lot you think "well I'll get extra 'cause you don't know when it's gonna be this good again", thinking you'll put some aside for another day.... yeah, right.... put some aside?
Quote:
from Pocky
If it's merely boredom that drives your habit why don't you make some changes in your life?
That's a crock, just a stupid excuse - there's plenty to do & I actually do plenty (aside from those "lost days")
I''ve decided to run away for a while - I'm packing a stack of books & a week from Friday I'm going to be taking long train journeys through Austria, Slovakia, Hungary & the Czech Republic.
I'm hoping there's still plenty of snow around (ha ha) as a bleak winter landscape would suit the mood.
Running away isn't going to solve anything, but it will get me away from the stuff long enough (I hope) to get my head around some s*h*i*t.
Hum... A minor info: In Belorussia yersterday = -41°C. Romania (borders Hungary): -35°C.
I don't know next week, but right now it's FREEZING there. Thought you should know.
Blue, what the heck's the matter with you. You're usually a sensitive guy, the person writing the post above has a strike of a spoilled, difficult teen ager. No more mister "nice guy", blue?
Did you have enough? What happened? PRessure at work? What?
Quit that *****, it's f*cking your brain, man. That's what you have the most precious. Ability to reason.
What are you running away from? What's haunting you, blue?
1) Lose the dealer's phone number. If it's in your cellphone, chances are that you probably don't know it anyway. Erase it without even looking at it. Throw away the paper that it's on if it's on paper.
2) Stop hanging out anywhere that you know your dealer will be.
3) If you know anyone who does it, stop hanging out with them. Connect with people who don't use. Make some new friends. Easier said than done, but a necessary part, I think. (But if you're using by yourself, I don't know how useful this suggestion is for you.)
4) Find someone you can talk to about what's going on if you can, please. Someone who's clean. If you can find someone who's gone through severing the connection before, even better. You said that you think that you don't need anyone, but IMHO you do in this situation.
5) I don't know where it is exactly that you live, but you should check out the NA website. http://www.na.org/, if you're into that sort of thing. (For some reason when you initially click on this address, it'll say that the page can not be found, but then you can click onto the other listed website in the "can't find it page" and it'll connect. I have no idea why it's doing this.) This doesn't work for everybody, because of the higher power thing, but it could be a place to start.
I moved from the city that I was living in to get away from my habit. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. This doesn't always work for everyone because they just find new people in the new place to help supply the habit.
You're scaring yourself now. That's always what does it. It's good to be scared when you're doing this. But it sucks. The hangover coming off of it is the worst. And only more will make you feel better, right? Bull. You know that it'll just keep getting worse.
I'm no professional, but just someone who's gone through what you're going through. Know that you can walk away from this. Sh**, I lived through my 20s. You can do this. We're all here for you.
Last edited by shamen; 7th February 2005 at 8:37 PM..
Reason: can't fix web address!
Well I told him & the earth didn't stop turning. One of the reasons I was hesitant was that the guy I was buying from is an old school chum of his, which is also why it would be difficult just to stop associating with him. I kinda felt that I would be betraying two confidences but as it turned out he wasn't interested in where I was getting it from, primarily 'cause he knows - he's helped bail him out from trouble with coke in the past & I suspect we won't be seeing much of him now.
Despite the "higher being" aspect I found that the NA had some very useful information & insights. I also discovered that coke had yet to become a major problem in my life though the possibility was certainly there. I really started to worry because I literally lost a few days - swore it was Sunday when it was Monday, missed a piano lesson 'cause I was convinced it was Wednesday, etc... and when I thought back more than a few of these instances had occurred since mid-December - days where I hadn't left the house, hadn't eaten, Christmas & New Year's were a blur.... and it had been building - weeks, then a week, then a few days.....
Anyway, we had hours & hours of conversation, some of it facilitated - some things have got to change - getting out of the 'burbs for one - so will be looking to move house the end of this year. Moving back into a big city means I'll be able to take a job somewhere - that way I'll be getting out of the house & start interacting with real people again - this sabbatical has gone on long enough. Grappling with the fact that staying in this relationship for very much longer means I'll probably never have a child (but of course ending a perfectly good relationship is certainly no guarantee of having children either). Also aspects of the way in which we relate (& don't, for that matter)...... the list goes on, suffice to say I have made a start. And after being a smoker for over 20 years (the last 5 of which quite heavy) I don't think I've given myself enough room for how much quitting can & has affected my moods. Which, Curly, is perhaps the surly teenager? And yes, it's been jolly cold over there - I've been watching the temps., but has warmed up to a more respectable 0 to minus 6 & am looking forward to it!
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an aside - for the edification of some (perhaps it is just that you have to be the top of the list in each forum??) - from where I am living, going to Eastern Europe is literally like asking your mate what they're doing for the weekend (gosh, don't we see that question a lot here?!) - 2 hours & less than £70 for a return flight - it's no big deal. Snow & train rides felt like the right thing for the mood I was in. Granted that information was and is irrelevant, but hey, the next time I shave my balls, discover someone with the same surname as myself or suffer from a hangover, I'll be sure to let y'all know. May you live in interesting times.
Grappling with the fact that staying in this relationship for very much longer means I'll probably never have a child (but of course ending a perfectly good relationship is certainly no guarantee of having children either).
Could the two of you adopt? Would that be an option? (you don't have to answer, just a suggestion that you've probably thought about already).
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
I feel sad about it and depressed that I let myself get so far down. I wish I knew words of advice to offer you and a way to help you to feel better but in all honesty all I can say is I am sorry and just know that you are not alone. 
. It f*cks up your brain, blue. And you are an exceptional guy, had an exceptional life and just worked too damn hard to end up like that.
Stupid thing is I gave up smoking over a month ago - and somehow I can still do the coke without smoking! which surprised me - usually I smoked twice as much when I was using....
I've always been uber-independent, made my own way in life, people depend on me,.....
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