I thought I had a well balanced beautiful smart little girl. She's only 14. She's well educated, a hard worker, compassionate, sweet, funny, etc. She has lots of friends and is very active socially with friends and family. She was the daughter I always wanted. ... And now I don't.
She was begging me to go over to a boy’s house and I said no. "No 14 yr old girl has any business going to a boy’s house by herself." She hounded me for weeks over this issue and kept putting me down, saying I am too over protective. I won't let her drive in teens cars either because 1. She’s my only child, 2. I don't know them, and 3. They don't have enough experience behind the wheel for me to trust them. Well finally, she gets me cornered in front of a friend and swears that she and this boy are just friends, she swears it! says she can prove it even. OK, "prove it" I say. She gets the boy on the phone and the production began. She asked him point blank if they have ever dated and he said no, has he ever kissed her, no and would he ever try to kiss her, again he says no. She made such an ordeal I finally berated myself for not having more faith in her and I let her go to the boys house.
Two weeks go by and my little princess is on a ski trip with her friends and their family. I'm at home doing her laundry because I love her and I know she'll be too tired to do it when she gets home. As I lay her clean folded clothes down on her bed I see a note book wide open. My first thought was that she took her homework with her, I wondered if she forgot this book. So I looked down at it and OH MY GAWD!!!! It's a journal! and it says she wants to **** this boy, and I am like "WHAT?!?!" So I go up a paragraph to be clear about what I’m reading and I was floored, shocked, I sat down and read it from the beginning. Turns out my daughter could be a contender as a writer for hustler magazine. HERE HERE! Three cheers for her! I won’t get into it only to say, she did not have sex but tutored herself well on extreme foreplay. Oh and the three of them, her girlfriend, the boy and my daughter loved how they tricked me into believing there was nothing but friendship between them.
I told her yesterday about reading her journal and tried to say that I understand she’s growing up but now she is pissed at me. I mean pissed! And I am pissed at her for lying, pissed at her friends for lying; the manipulation and that she would do this to me. She is ugly and foul with her mouth and I don’t deserve it. She says she hopes her dad and I divorce because she hates me so much. I don't know how to trust her or believe her from here...
My husband is treating this like she’s an adult and responsible and free to make her own choices and decisions, etc. I understand she’s daddy’s little girl and he’s uncomfortable with it but C’MON! Now we're not talking because he thinks I'm making to much out of this. Can I remind you that we're discussing a 14 year old girl here. He says he blames himself because he's always put the fear of God into her about boys and how he would treat them, I agree however, C'Mon! This is about her not you!!!! I said!
Please someone, anyone, what do you think I should or can do? And I already spoke to the boys mother and she’s going to have a talk with him. Whoopie! I wanna smack him!
I haven't done anything else except to tell my daughter that they all owe me an apology which won't happen and that there will be repercussions for her actions when I calm down and think about this rationally and that nothing of hers is safe ever again. I'm gonna go through everything now. She says if I do she'll runaway. Part of me says go for it and part of me says over my dead body! I don't even know if that's normal!
And please don't tell me I shouldn't have read the journal! I didn't suspect, I didn't find it, it found me.
No offense or anything...but the journal didn't force you to sit down and read it cover to cover.
I can see why you're upset. But aside from sitting down and giving to safe sex talk (INCLUDING INFO ON HPV) there's nothing you can do to change what happened. Condeming her will only make her lie to you more, about other things.
I always gross my friends out with the 80% of the sexually active pop. has HPV, and 50% of the sexually active pop. has had/currently has chlamydia.
__________________
I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
well, there's always this option: you know how kids automatically hate anything that their parents like or approve of? Maybe it's time you and Daddy to start gettting all lovey-dovey, then you pull your teen aside and tell her that sex is just so wonderful, and that you really like when you and her daddy do those things when she's in her room on her phone, and once, how she almost busted you two doing "it." if that don't gross her out about sex, nothing will!
(okay, I've got to insert a laugh here -- a friend told me about one of HER friends, also in her early 40s, unexpectedly got pregnant, their youngest child was just starting college. New mama told my friend the daughter was NOT happy about her mother being pregnant, and was really grossed out when the mom admitted she didn't know "which" time she and the dad were fooling around when the pregnancy occured. Moral of the story: kids are grossed out at the thought of their parents having sex ... and if they thought mom and dad enjoyed it, that'd be the icing on the cake).
now that your mood hopefully has been lightened, here's my two cents: you can't undo the fact that she wrote what she wrote, or that you read what she wrote. However, you can have a talk with her about the consequences of lying, and of getting her friends to lie along with her. That you understand about teen hormones, you've been there yourself ("and sometimes it's hard not to jump your daddy's bones when you kids are busy in another room"), but trust is a fragile thing. That because she has destroyed the trust between the two of you, it's going to be very, very hard for you to grant her privileges that she's asking for, like spending time with this boy or even with her little friends. maybe she can one day restore that trust, but for now, she's in bootcamp where privileges are few, and not given lightly.
now for the kicker. Ask HER what she thinks a fair punishment should be for lying. None of the temper-tantrum crap, because she's not a two year old, but because you want to be able to trust in her again. That she is mature enough to come up with something that fits the crime, so to speak. This puts the ball in her court and lets her know that yeah, you're disappointed in her behavior, and no, she doesn't get to weasel out of it.
I am sorry that you had to find out the "truth" the way you did.
Your daughter is only 14. She is not an adult. She lives in your house under your rules. She is expected to respect her parents and be honest. Her speaking to you that way is very disrespectful even if you did read her journal.
Having said that.
You should not be too surprised about her sexual behavior and journalism. Todays kids know a lot more about sex then when you were a kid at their age. It's up to you as a parent to educate your daughter on the pluses and minuses of sex. Especially the minuses on sex at her age.
The bigger issue here is your daughter lying to you and having a good laugh at it. Who knows if this is the first time or not but it doesn't matter. You should learn from this and be a little wiser to what she asks and say in the future.
Your daughter is trying to turn it around on you by being angry at you for reading her journal. She is trying to deflect her lying to you by making a bigger issue of you finding her journal and reading it.
Don't fall for this. Your the parent. Stand your ground. Tell her that you don't expect her to lie to you anymore.
Did you punish her? She can't go to this or that?
Explain to her and make her understand that what she did was wrong. You understand that she is a young adult and she has sexual desires/interest/curiosity. This is normal for any child.
Tell her that you need to have confidence with her and that you don't just want to be her Mother but her friend as well.
This won't happend overnight but if you keep at it, she will eventually come around.
Goog Luck.
__________________
Definition of Redundant: See Redundant.
Last edited by Bronzepen; 20th January 2005 at 6:26 PM..
maybe you shouldn't have read the journal, but you did.
some kids mature faster than others.
she wrote things in there that she was feeling or thinking. it does not mean she acted on them.
if she is saying "i did this with so and so" or "next week i am sneaking out and having sex with this guy" then fine, do something.
as for right now, it seems she is exploring her sexuality, and at 14, that's not unusual. she is curious about sex and it makes her feel good to write about it. so what? it's her mind, it's her body. she has a right to think whatever she likes, whether you like it or not.
until you know she is actually doing these things, leave it alone.
punish her for lying to you and acting like a jerk about it, but don't punish her for exploration. and if she says "but i didn't do anything" then you can say "then why did you have to go through all that trouble to lie about it?" she can't argue with that.
basically, if you know she's having sex, stop her...NOW. but if it was just curiosity and exploration, like i said, leave that part alone. otherwise you will have a kid who feels weird about sex and the weirdness will continue into adulthood.
how you're acting now is the best way to make her go out and have sex, or start doubting her sexuality and thinking that these things are dirty.
"she's the daughter i always wanted...and now i don't"?!? get a grip.
make her want to talk to you, not run like hell and screw the first boy she can get her hands on.
(i used to be this 14-year-old girl)
good luck, and make it clear that if it goes beyond what you now know, she will not see the light of day for a long, long time.
Just so you know, I have talked to her about sex since she was seven years old. I gave her book after book pertaining to her age. The latest book I just gave her was, "He's just not that into you" because I don't want her to think she's less than deserving of a fair shake in a relationship. I thought my last post was lengthy so I didn't go into the fact that in this journal she wrote that this boy was told by his girlfriend that she may be pregnant. THESE KIDS ARE 14!!!!! Ok, so then she writes that she asked this boy if he'd had sex with the other girl in the mall bathroom and that he replied he hadn't. She tells him how she knows otherwise and he says he's sorry! (and trust me LS advisors, when I said my girl could be a professional porn writer, I meant it. Every little thing was in there, described to the detail as though she was literally speaking to someone, and reliving every aspect of it.) Then she allows a make out session to happen in the mall at a store called Cambridge Sound Works where there's a TV and couch in the back room. I was taken back, truly.
I'm not ignorant, nor did I fall off a bus last Wednesday. I know full well what happens during the teen years. This isn't about her starting already, (although it hurts, especially since she knows I had a baby at 15 and that we just met her two years ago.) This about the trust that I believe I have lost because of her deceiving ways. This is about what a wonderful young woman she has the potential of becoming if she's careful and thoughtful to herself and I can't trust that she is. This is about not knowing how to forgive her friends, trust the people in her life, trusting her, etc.
I've known the girlfriend who went in with my daughter since they were tots. I can't believe that the two of them had so little regard for me. Especially my daughter. She did this for the selfish reason of getting what she wanted and it didn't matter what she had to do to get it.
""Your daughter is trying to turn it around on you by being angry at you for reading her journal. She is trying to deflect her lying to you by making a bigger issue of you finding her journal and reading it.
Don't fall for this. Your the parent. Stand your ground. Tell her that you don't expect her to lie to you anymore. ""
Bronzepen: I know and I did tell her I'm disappointed in her and I told her how sorry I was to have hurt her by reading
it.
""No offense or anything...but the journal didn't force you to sit down and read it cover to cover.""
Just for the record, she said the same thing.
Blind_Otter: Motherhood forced me to sit down and read it cover to cover. I don't want her or anyone else in her world to think that she doesn't deserve to be 100% respected all the time. I gave her a voice 14 years yrs ago and I don't think she's using it. I believe she's falling into peer pressure because she says only two of her friends haven't done it yet. She's an only child who has grown up in the same area and been with the same group of friends all her life. I'm worried that she doesn't want to be left out of what the rest of them are doing. And I can't except that there's nothing I can do. I don't want to condemn her, I want to inspire her to think and act better for herself. To appreciate self respect and not some other kids idea of it.
Am I asking for too much here?
Thanks for all the responses, I am going to keep all that you say in my mind and have the one on one when I feel comfortable with what I feel she needs to hear. Right now my house is like a morgue. It's never been THIS quiet before and I don't like it.
I remember being like that at 14 and if you don't put an end to her lying ways now, it's going to get worse. Keep talking to her. Don't allow her to see that boy. Know where she is all the time. Maybe don't even let her see that girl outside of school and/or your own home. She lied to you in a big way and had her friends doing it too. I know it's tough for both of you. She wants freedom and you want her to make good choices. Set the example yourself and teach her well. She will follow. Good luck and take care.
Joy
MT Student
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 20th January 2005 at 11:02 PM..
Reason: removed email addresses: please read guidlines before posting
My kids don't have ANY privacy. They are 13 and 11, and they can have all the privacy they want when they are adults. Until that time....they belong to me. Muahahahaha!
I make zero apologies for it.
They know that I will have access to their computer passwords, or they won't have a computer. I will have access to their bedrooms and their possessions, or they won't have those either.
We have a terrific relationship. I play ALL their games, including Nintendo and Yu-gi-oh, so I can be a terrific playmate. We talk about everything and anything, so I can be a terrific friend. They think I'm "the best Mom ever".
But I've never given them the impression that our household was some kind of Demcracy.
Don't apologize for being a strong and authoritative parent. She's not always going to like you no matter what you do anyway.
If that were my girl, she'd be experiencing a VERY BORING LIFE for the next six months, and everytime she opened her mouth to b*tch about it, I'd take something else away.
I'd also treat her to so many books about teen pregnancy and STD's, she probably wouldn't be willing to 'do the deed' until she was 30!
(Of course, the only way to make sure she actually reads them is to make sure she does a book report. It's amazing how much they can learn when you make them write it all out. )
p.s. Order some pamphlets from some All-Girls Boarding Schools and leave them lying around the house.
Last edited by Ladyjane14; 20th January 2005 at 8:30 PM..
Lady Jane, I will order those pamphlets from some All-Girls Boarding Schools and leave them lying around the house! I love it! and I thank you for all the other advise. I will make a list tonight and go over it with my husband. I think I'll share it here first though and get outside feedback first. I LOVE this site!!!!!!! You all have inspired me to take different chances Thanks
she is like most other 14 year olds. i was like her and i turned out fine. what might not be fine is your relationship with your daughter. you have invaded her privacy and lost her trust. i hope someday she might trust you again.
i had a journal when i was younger. my mother read it. though i am much older and i have an amazing relationship with my mother, i will still never forgive her. you don't understand what and EXTREME invasion of privacy that is. it is her innermost thoughts and feelings that she dares not tell a soul. and you read them. even worse you threw it in her face.
after my mother read my journal (which i had for years), i tore it to bits and never kept a journal again. and i lost all those precious memories of what it was to be a teenager coming into her own. i would give anything to have it back.
Last edited by einahpets; 20th January 2005 at 9:30 PM..
As a 27 year old single male with no kids, I don't know if I have much place to post here, but I'm going to anyway.
IMHO, the lying to you is worse than whatever it is she's doing and writing about. Yeah, she's only 14, and obviously shouldn't be having sex that young for a number of reasons, but it's human nature to develop those feelings and thoughts during puberty. As her mother, of course, you have a certain degree of control over her life, but you can't stop nature.
I've personally known 14 year olds who were into hard drugs and armed robbery, so I don't think what she's writing about is all that bad in comparison. If she's doing well in school and isn't getting stoned out of her mind every day, I think a little sexual curiosity isn't that big a deal.
But yeah, I would nail her a$$ to the wall for lying and the stunt she pulled with her bf over the phone.
__________________ I wake up in the morning and piss excellence.
you have invaded her privacy and lost her trust. i hope someday she might trust you again
the issue isn't about invading the child's privacy or losing her trust: it's about said child's choice to lie (and document her decision to lie AND include her little friends in that lie) to a parent who trusts her to do the right thing. If she didn't want her mama to read about her actions, she should know well enough not to put it down in black and white.
hang in there Kris, and don't ever feel that you're in the wrong for setting boundaries for your child. That's what you're there for, no matter how much she screams or fusses about it. Because as much as she complains, she feels a certain sense of security knowing you care that much to ride her *ss about these kinds of things.
you have invaded her privacy and lost her trust. i hope someday she might trust you again
I am most definitely with you ImKris, and quankanne and Ladyjane, on this one. I have a 12 year old daughter who just yesterday bought dolls with her birthday money. In 2 years she will be 14, somehow I don't think 2 years will magically mature her, and prepare her for sex, and all the responsibility that goes along with it. It is a parent's job to protect and teach their children.
all teenagers lie. but by alienating her daughter she is making it harder to have an open an honest relationship with her. she will only learn to lie and hide the truth better. i truly believe that good conversation is key. she will find it very hard to come to her mother about things now. and yes, she wasn't coming to her mother in the first place. i know mothers can have an overwhelming desire to snoop, and maybe that isn't the issue. so you read her journal, so what. instead of blowing up on her because she lied to you, you should use what information you have gained to have a more informed relationship with her. you definatly know some things that need more disgussing with her. you could have had the same conversation with her w/out leaking the fact that you read her diary.
she needs to know that in this time in her life she can come to you with anything. now she might be scared to do that. i know this is an extreme compairsion, but i think of all those girls who die from coathanger abortions because they were too scared to come to their parents.
just sit her down and have a calm conversation (w/out mentioning her lying) and no yelling. explain why you did what you did (i'm sure you did that already), how much you love her and want her to be able to talk you about things. promise her you won't get mad and will try to understand as long as she is open and honest with you. promise her you will do the same. in many cases when teenagers are pushed they will rebel, and no one wants that.
i'm not trying to be a b*tch. i would be as horrified as you and i can't say i would have reacted differently if i was in the same situation. i would like to say i would, as i was once in your daughters shoes. i am just trying to give you a little insight for my family was in the same situation. just trying to give you some clues as to what she might be thinking.
Last edited by einahpets; 20th January 2005 at 11:22 PM..
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Oh my gawd I read the journal
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