[hope&pray]

Well here goes, maybe this will help me somehow.
Almost a month ago my wife of 6 years told me she loves me, cares about me but isn't in love with me anymore. She said she needed time alone and space. I was able to get her to stay but, living in the same house and seeing her all the time, I couldn't give her the space and time she wanted. She has been in contact with a realtor friend about finding a new house, I just found this out last night. She kept it from me because she thought it would make me mad but it didn't. She wants it to work out and so do I, so that is a plus. I just hope and for the first time in YEARS pray it will. I'm not religious at all. Like all the other posts I've read, this is killing me, I have had almost every emotion hit me and I've cried more in the last week then my entire life, I believe. I know it is because the type of man I've become in the last year, a little sellfish, blind and just stupid. I didn't care to much about her big wishes and plans unless they matched mine. A couple years ago, her wishes and thoughts would of been mine also. I sure things work out.
I'm very lucky though, she is only going to move up the road and I get to stay in the house we have. We both make good money except she makes more then I do and she says this will be the best way. I know she isn't cheating and she says she has no plans of finding anybody. Oh yeah, we have a 5 year old son.
I'm tired of crying and having all these emotions wreak havoc on my body. I hope this works out.

[littlemissomg]

Originally posted by hope&pray

I'm tired of crying and having all these emotions wreak havoc on my body. I hope this works out.

Well I'm sorry, but the crying and the emotions are going to be there some time, and they'll probably get worse before they get better. BUT THEY WILL GET BETTER. Don't fight them, you have to cope with this in your own way.

Firstly, I'm real sorry you're going through this. It seems you have to find out whether your wife is after a temporary break or a permanent split. She has asked for time and space, if you care enough to wait for her decision then give her that. Pull on the people around you to support you, take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way (i.e. nights out instead of staying home miserable).

Check out this really good website, <URL removed> (I think that's the website - if not, search Google for it), perhaps give your wife the link as well so she can receive some support.

Good Luck


PS - Sorry if I'm breaking any TOS by posting a link

[Miakal]

I am responding to you because I seem to be in a similar situation. However, my husband did not seek space in a responsible or honorable way. He left while I was in the shower and didn't return. He called me 6 days later to let me know what was going on. That was 6 days of pure hell.
Also, we have a 3 month old daughter.

In any case, it's okay for you to have all of these emotions. Allow yourself to grieve. Just don't allow your grief to harm you. You need your strength to get through this. Personally, I just wanted to stay in my house and cry...like a fool. I forced myself to get out and do some activities in the last few days and I truly feel so much better. I also am not religious but feel that I am quite spiritual. I have started meditating...something I used to do prior to my marriage. It feels so good to be doing this again. I am doing this for myself...to bring positive energy into my life. Some may think it's kooky but it is helping me feel better.

Give your wife some time. From what you have written, she seems to have lost herself. Speaking from a woman's point of view...it can be so difficult when you feel that you have become just a wife and mother. It's like your identity as a person has dissolved into just these two titles. It sounds like she needs to connect with herself again. As painful as it is for you, give her that time. Go on with your life, continuing to love her and continuing to show her compassion. Then she will make the right decision.

Keep smiling.

[hope&pray]

Miakal

Thanks for the support and information. I hope she is just lost and once she "finds" herself she will find the love she once felt for me. She fell for me real quick. We met almost 6 years ago to the day (May 8th I believe), and married 2.5 months later. I never thought it was mistake to rush into it and I never will. Its hard to have her next to me and not be afraid to hold her hand, or when we are in bed to pull her next to me. I miss just touching her. I have neglected her wishes, desires and probably feelings for at least the last year. Like everybody else, I think of the, what ifs, should of done, could of done stuff but of course that doesn't help any. I actually had to leave work the other day because the emotioins were to strong for me to concentrate.
So what about your husband and you? Are you two talking or trying to work it out?
Thanks for you help.

[Miakal]

It sounds like you are reflecting...seeing more clearly what happened in your relationship. Pain causes change. Great huh? Hopefully things will change for the better in your situation. Giving her the space she needs right now is a very selfless act on your part. Because you didn't want her to go, you could have simply said, "sorry lady, you stay here or were done!" Okay, so she probably would have really left in a hurry then. But what I'm trying to say here is that you are doing the right thing...whether or not your marriage survives it. I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with her, let her know that you love her and keep your friendship strong.

Hmmm. You asked about my situation. Well, I sit here and spew advice but I have no answers for my own life at this point. My husband is 2,800 miles away from me right now. He has not told me what he wants. I'm guessing that's because he is completely unsure. So, at his request, I am letting him have all of the space in the world. I love him dearly and I do want him to come home. However, I am a strong woman and I will maintain my self-respect. I have my limits.

Please tell me if you can....what are the real reasons why a man says he "needs space." ????

[Samson]

However, I am a strong woman and I will maintain my self-respect. I have my limits.

Please tell me if you can....what are the real reasons why a man says he "needs space." ????

If there was ever a thread that demonstrated that women can be as strong or stronger than men it seems it is here.

Why not start another thread: Spacemen?

OK, I'll do it!

[Jenny317]

Look, If you has idea's than listen to them, or at least try! Try to be her superman! Save her from the mistake she is about to make! Make she she changes her mine, try to change! And plan out romantic evenings! That will be YOURS AND HERS best evenings!

[hope&pray]

Thanks Jenny,

I've talked her into staying and trying to work it out twice. I'm just not able to give her space. And she wants nothing to do with romantic evenings right now. I have a big, bad problem with holding on to things, that I desire, very tightly and its causing more pain then it happiness. I don't want to let her go but it hurts so bad when she is here because I can't hold her. All she thinks about is the man I've been this last year and not the man I was. I've never cheated on her or wanted to. She just isn't in love with me anymore. I want to be able to just spend time with her, just me and her but she doesn't want to. I can't even hold her hand without her getting mad. Maybe somehow I can give her space and find a place of her own will be to hard and take to long and somehow we can make it work out while being together.

[dfaith]

START ALL OVER AGAIN. START TO DATE AND DO ALL THE THINGS THAT MADE HER MARRY YOU.

[hope&pray]

dfaith,

I would if she would let me be with her more then at our current house. We do kind of have 2 dates already planned. We are going to a baseball game later this month and then a concert next month. I believe that things happen for a reason, I just hope there is a good reason for this and that she comes back to me. She is moving out on the 8th of June. Just to an apartment and not a condo or anything. This way at least she doesn't have to wait to long to get out and maybe we can start the "healing" process. I hope it isn't to late, but I am finding all the things that I took for granted were actually the things that made me love her.

[oscaroc]

I agree with the people saying to give her the time she needs to reestablish herself and find the answers that she needs. But don't, For one minute, Take the entire blame for the problems both of you are having. I am sure that she shares some of the blame. I have found that keeping the contact between each other at a minimum works the best. i only talk to her if it directly affects my child. Good luck

[hope&pray]

I can't help but blame myself for not being able to keep her happy or willing to do the things she wanted. I think back now and all I can think is that she always did what I wanted. I hope it isn't to late. She did sign a year lease for an apt. Being with her is tough but being without her is worse. I went away for the weekend and it was awfull!!!!!!!

[oscaroc]

I understand what you are going through, my wife had told me the same thing and also has a lease on an apt. And like you i feel we always did what I wanted but on the other hand she had always left it up to me, she is a dependant person. I don't know your entire story but i know that there probably is something bigger going on with her than that. I feel my wife is trying to find herself or figure out what she want in life i am not sure right now.

As much as I hate saying this, because I don't beleive in it, give her the space she needs. I know how hard it is its still hard for me. In the meantime spend some time figuring out what you want. I have been trying to figure out some things as well, i have a few infedelity problems with my wife, and i am trying to figure out what i didn't provide that she had to look somewhere else for it.

The thing that is the hardest for me is to keep contact at a minimum but i think it plays an important role for both of us on the road to recovery. I do beleive her and I will resolve our problems or find a middle ground and be together again but i still have to prepare myself for the oppsite if that occurs.

[hope&pray]

Oscar, how long has your wife been gone?
I guess I'm lucky and know some of the reasons that caused me to loose my wifes happiness and in the end make her fall out of love with me. They are things I can change. I have learned that I shouldn't tell her things will change and things will be different and keep telling her i love her and asking her to stay. It just makes her want to go so more. She knows how I feel and what I want. Hopefully I can keep up a good front and also find things that interest me outside of the house. Other then yard work though, I was always happy with just being with my wife and son. Only going out on occasion. That is one of the biggest reasons why I might loose her forever. She is so very active and never wants to sit still. I kept telling her and myself that we didn't have the money to things because I wanted us to have the money when we were older. She said to me a couple times that we need to have fun now. But I obviously didn't listen. Hind site is always 20/20 and like the song says "you don't know what you got till its gone". Hopefully for me and others out there we can change it to you don't know what you got till its ALMOST gone.
I hope my wife just wants some space and time and that her love for me is barried and she will find it. She has almost always been with somebody, from what I can remember her telling me and hearin, so maybe now that she is 31 and very secure with a job she wants and needs to be alone for awhile.
I went away this weekend and I told her I missed her. She sounded sincere when she said that she missed me too. I hope when she leaves she will really start to miss me and it won't take long. But I am trying to prepare myself for the long haul..

[oscaroc]

Hope,
My wife and I have been going throuigh hard times for about a year and a half and she has been in her apt. for a month now. Beleive me it gets a little better as time goes on but it still hurts especially when we see each other. As time goes on you will realize like I did that you can use the time to figure things out as well. I have a lot of decisions I have to make before I can truly feel good about spending the rest of my life with her.

I don't beleive in seperation on one hand but on the other what choice do I have. I just hope that time apart won't drive us further apart. And one of us doesn't do something stupid. May i suggest something? Maybe go see a doctor and get on some meds. It really helps me keep a clear mind and go to work everyday. I am not to proud to admit that i needed some assistance.