[newcommer]

I fell in love with an unemployed man a year ago, who is still unemployeed (I think he is too lazy to seek employment). We met off the net, and strangly enough had more in common than I could have ever dreamed. I don't worry about his unemployment because he never bothers me about money and always goes out with me never complaining of finaces (Although I gave him $200 today to answer all questions about how he sees me truthfully. I did this because I want to change next time around and know where I went wrong. He swears I could give him $10,000 and the truth is he sees me as beautiful and thinks I am normal and selfless always giving. He agrees I am emotional but says I need no counseling nor medication, nor therepy. He says my life has been surrounded by too many negatives and I only think the worst of myself and situations and I have to understand I am okay).

He is 15 years my senior. I am an educated woman with a Ph.D and have my own money, although I still live with my parents who hate him and won't let him in my house due to the fact he is in his forties and I am 15 years younger. They also think he is trying to damage me because he is white and I am black. He prefers black women although his ex-wife is hispanic.

Our connection is uncanny. Very, very strong. Silly me I thought he was my knight and shinning armor although I am too damn smart to ever before believe a man would whisk me away and resuce me. But he made me belive or hope, and the hope was all in my head.

I was very sheltered and therefore don't always act the way people think young single women should. I am more antisocial and independent than most. I met this man, and we went every where and engaged in so many wonderful activities (Plays, walks on beaches you name it). However, 7 months later, he slowed down all of this and began claiming he had to get into his kids. He has two teenage children he has sole custody of because his ex did not want the responsiblity. I never met his kids.I see him, but we hardly go places anymore. Yet if I need him for anything he is there for me. He is always there for me. He has seen me cry rivers begging him to take me out more. I embaress myself the way I cry. But always he is so gentle and so understanding, but so uncompliant. It is not a relationship built on sex for we do not have sex often.

We talked until we were both blue in the face, he will always talk and always listen and always respond. However, it does not help. Despite our connection he wants us to be friends forever. He is not sure where this relationship is heading and does not feel he knows where his life is headed. I never been in love before. At the age of 31 I never even been kissed by a man the way he kisses me. I know he is my first love although I was in two long term relationships. One for 9 years and one for 7 years. He is the first man, I feel like I am a psycho I am so desperate for his love. He loves me, he is passionate and kisses me as if there were no other woman more beautiful. But he is detached. What do I do? How do I move on from a situation I feel lost in? I need to be loved. I never knew that until I met him. I fear I won't find someone who can be as patient and overwhelmingly supportive as he is. i fear I won't ever meet another man who does not make me feel sexually pressured and can understand me as odd as I am. I am afraid of this and really am reluctant to cut the ties and He doesn't want me to cut the ties, only to accept that he needs to figure out his life and can not make me any promises of a future for he does not know what he wants. He can only promise I will always be his friend no matter what. Can you advice me?

[moimeme]

Although I gave him $200 today to answer all questions about how he sees me truthfully

Huh? OK. Red flag #1.

I think he is too lazy to seek employment

Red flag #2

strangly enough had more in common than I could have ever dreamed

Yes. That happens. Eventually you find out that along with the things you have in common are some fairly unpleasant characteristics and traits. Trust me on this.

I need to be loved.

Most people do. Some also need to love. This is not a good reason to latch on to someone.

I fear I won't find someone who can be as patient and overwhelmingly supportive as he is. i fear I won't ever meet another man who does not make me feel sexually pressured and can understand me as odd as I am.

You probably will. I don't think the statistic for people who never marry is that high. This guy has made it clear that despite your wishes, he's not in for that sort of a relationship.

He doesn't want me to cut the ties, only to accept that he needs to figure out his life and can not make me any promises of a future for he does not know what he wants. He can only promise I will always be his friend no matter what.

You've spent 7 and 9 years in other relationships. If you think this guy is that much of a treasure, then give him six more months to get his act together, and that includes finding a job. If he doesn't, dump him and get out into the world. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You just need to cut bait.

Originally posted by newcommer
(Although I gave him $200 today to answer all questions about how he sees me truthfully.

You paid this guy $200 to tell you truthfully how he sees you? Why did you feel the need to pay him, especially if you consider him such a great friend? He probably thought he hit the jackpot.

He agrees I am emotional but says I need no counseling nor medication, nor therepy. He says my life has been surrounded by too many negatives and I only think the worst of myself and situations and I have to understand I am okay).

I thought he said he was unemployed.....now he's pretending to be a psychiatrist/psychologist/professional therapist? I'm sure he doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground when it comes to what you need or don't need. I sense you've already been brainwashed by him.

He is 15 years my senior. I am an educated woman with a Ph.D and have my own money, although I still live with my parents

Just out of curiosity, why do you still live with your parents at your age? (not a judgment, just a question)

He has two teenage children he has sole custody of because his ex did not want the responsiblity.

Say what? He has sole custody of two teenaged children, yet the lazy bum doesn't work? How does he afford to pay the rent or mortgage, or buy groceries, or pay the bills, or pay the costs for raising and clothing and supporting 2 teenagers? None of this is FREE....so how does he do it? Hmmm.....that's might suspicious to me. You sure he doesn't do something for cash on the side? Deal drugs? Rob houses?

He has seen me cry rivers begging him to take me out more. I embaress myself the way I cry. But always he is so gentle and so understanding, but so uncompliant. It is not a relationship built on sex for we do not have sex often.

The fact that you "cry rivers" and are begging him to take you places...I think you really SHOULD be speaking to a counsellor or therapist. All that crying and your admittance to being very emotional, sounds like you've got a lot of pain inside and that you're very much reaching out to be loved...but this guy doesn't sound like the kind of man who deserves you. I have a feeling he takes advantage of your emotions and need to be loved so badly.

[newcommer]

Thank you both for your replies. I am not sure how to answer you individually so I am posting a response to your questions this way. I live with my parents perhaps because I fear being alone. I am not 100% certain. I grew up with my two brothers very isolated from others. My parents were very strict so in many ways my parents served as my best friends. I know I must leave my house because there is alot of painful things that my parents say and do. What I did not write is that they told me "They do not want their black nigger slut daughter dating some old ass cracker" (Mind you my fathers, father is Italian and Irish so that statement alone is just****). My last boyfriend who is now my very bestfriend was Jamaican and they had just as much to say. They like saying spiteful things. So just think of the worst things parents could say to their children and you get the situation I lived with and accepted. I suppose I live with them to save money and enjoy my freedom of buying whatever I want and going away each year to new countries. I can't really tell you what fear prevents me from walking away from my parents home, but that is not why I am writing this post.

As for my crying. I think all my life I was so strong. I know my last boyfriend is the reason I suddenly got so weak. When my brothers left home (One to go in a group home, he is handicap and the other to go into the Marines) I suddenly was alone. So I think around this time I got very sensitive to negative comments from people I love. My ex and my present remarkably have not looked at me as a nutcase for my frantic crying and instead have somehow understood. But I know it's obsurd the way I break down as if the world has ended and all my love ones have died. I asked both my men in my life if I should get counseling and they said, "No" because I am only unbalanced when I am sad and it does not last long.

I wonder if after reading this you will label me as psycho, deperate or normal. I am a professional who does not drink, smoke or do drugs, but I often wonder if that might calm me down. I fell in love with a man whose face I could not bare to look at when I first met. I know I am attractive and intelligent and men often tell me so, but I never date handsome men by choice. This man truly had features that make most people stare at me in bewilderment when I am with him. But his charm over powered me one day and his kiss was too delicious to resist. Now I see him as sexy. Come on help me out here.
A man whose face has been damaged by pimples that are gone but left behind craters, whose feet are so uncared for they are just ghastly. Whose head has a huge ugly patch like scar that will not allow his hair to grow around it. He won my heart and now I am the one begging for his love and running after him. Now he does not want me. He says I am wrong, but it is how I feel. Right now I feel overwhelmingly defeated because although the man I love is presently a good friend/person I am dating, I know I have shown him too much insecurity for him to ever look at me as special (even though he denies that).

[newcommer]

[quote]Originally posted by moimeme
[ He has sole custody of two teenaged children, yet the lazy bum doesn't work? How does he afford to pay the rent or mortgage, or buy groceries, or pay the bills, or pay the costs for raising and clothing and supporting 2 teenagers? None of this is FREE....so how does he do it? Hmmm.....that's might suspicious to me. You sure he doesn't do something for cash on the side? Deal drugs? Rob houses? ]

I never got personal to ask about his finaces, but he has friends in other states and he flies out to them to work for 3 or 4 days. He has a few good friends that throw work his way every now and then and remember he is 46 so he has a partial retirement. He was injured on the job and has partial retirement. Then he worked for an airliner and got laid off, so he flies for free to his friends and his ex stops by and checks up on the kids. What is wrong with me? Why do I want so much to be a part of his life knowing he does not want me. I never once thought of marriage or anything. He had talked to me about how negative my view was of marriage and convinced me that it can be a wonderful thing for me.


I guess somehow I took that to mean he saw me as someone he could marry. I know not only is he all wrong for me he is all wrong for his kids. His house is in shambles. His place is badly damaged even though it is a house it is simply in desperate need for repair and furniture. His kids are always cutting class and in detention. Even though he is unemployeed and home. Is my self esteem so low or do I just see his heart and his personality and overlook all? I don't know I guess I just imagined he can be the support I need and I could be the finacial support he needed even though he has never asked me for money. I gave him today because I thought I would never see him again and before breaking up I wanted answers to questions about myself I thought he could help with. But it did not work out as badly as I pictured. He does not want us to end things he wants time to think he said and that might take a year or four months. I guess I am an idot, but once you recognize that you somehow throw your hands up and say, Oh well I was an idiot but it is because I don't really want to be alone.

I don't mean to overlook or dismiss anything you've just shared, but you didn't yet answer my question.

You mentioned this guy has been unemployed for a year now...yet he has sole custody of his 2 teenaged children. I am wondering HOW on earth he can survive without having a job, no source of income (well, that's known)...to support himself AND his 2 children. Have you ever wondered this? How does he pay the rent? Buy food? Pay the bills? Buy clothing for his kids? None of this is free, but to be unemployed for a year........is he mooching off of welfare or something? I find this very suspicious.

I really do think you need, very much, to start seeing a counsellor. You've spoken of "frantic crying" and "crying rivers".......you've obviously endured and continue to endure verbal and emotional abuse from your parents....you speak as though you don't think you're worth anything. You sound like you could be depressed (clinically depressed). Would you consider going to see a counsellor or therapist? I think you need someone to help you sort out your hurts and low self esteem, and possible depression......and help you get to the place where you don't "need" anyone the way you need this guy. Where you can learn how much you're WORTH (because you are!!!)...so that you can get the courage to get out on your own and love yourself and be happy......to find happiness and love from within yourself...and not from some lazy, unemployed man.

[newcommer]

Your funny and correct! Too accurate! I think yo summed me up totally and now how do you think it feels living with this knowledge? Have you ever heard that song by DISTURBED??? THE SONG IS CALLED FEAR..

Reject
are you knowone
Fear you nothing
I bet you think you have a good reason
to be living in the limelight of the fortunate ones


your too weakend by the poision
that they feed you
Little impotent one

I dont' wanna be, innocent you know
I don't want to let them hypnotize me....

it's a pretty cool song.

Everyone says it's amazing how I can assess myself and yet not have the curage to fix myself. I hate recognizing my esteem is low and I do not value myself. I know it and I know each behavior that proves it. Yet I can't seem to go beyond the knowledge and the dislike.

I just have been reading a lot lately in the bookstores and the library and on the net. Trying to help myself because from what I read even going to a counselor you have to help yourself. I think instinctively I know this so I am trying to find a way to find my self worth. It is gone. It is no† only gone but I do feel desperate and lost and alone. I know most people at the job think I am wonderful and many men want to date me, but I am attracted to those who are odd and outcast like myself. Those rare breeds with talent and who are misunderstood. I think when I get rejected by them, I get devestated because like my ex said to me, "We need to for a club for the weird, creative, and misunderstood artist of the world. Like senior citizens have a meeting place and teens have a meeting place, we need one so we don't feel like we don't fit in all the time." He like you thinks my present man is feeding on my emotions and earning money in a dishonest way. He also feels that I should not be involved with a man with children because he has nothing but baggage to offer. What I don't tell my ex is, "Yeah but we dated for 9 years and yu never kissed me like he does or made me feel so beautiful"


So your right, I am simply feeling very low self esteem and just trying to find a way to combat it and have the courage to be stronger. I mean courage to not think if I do this different this man will show interest in me again. I need to not want him or need him.

[newcommer]

I went to see a therapist. He basically says he thinks I am normal, need no meds, and my fears of moving out and seeking normal healthy men are related to something that was said to me in my childhood. He also seemed very positive that with a few more talk sessions, I can figure out where my fears stem from. He says I am too giving and need to care for myself. That was the basics in a nutshell.

As for the guy, we are still talking and I think going with the flow of things, not making any quick or sudden moves just slow ones and maybe with luck I will let go or back off enough that he might change. I don't know. But I think I feel a bit more hope that I can handle whatever!

Originally posted by newcommer
I went to see a therapist. He basically says he thinks I am normal, need no meds, and my fears of moving out and seeking normal healthy men are related to something that was said to me in my childhood. He also seemed very positive that with a few more talk sessions, I can figure out where my fears stem from. He says I am too giving and need to care for myself. That was the basics in a nutshell.

It was only a couple of days ago that you first posted. Okay, so since then, you've seen a therapist. I'm glad you have!!

But I'm a little leary about what his qualifications are, and what makes him qualified to tell you that you a) don't need meds and b) that it will only take a few more sessions to figure things out.

I'm assuming you only had one session so far? Sorry, I don't mean to be negative or critical of your therapist, but I have a really hard time believing that any therapist/counsellor/psychiatrist/psychologist who's worth anything, would be able to come to all these neat little conclusions in just one session. That does not seem possible or realistic to me, not at all.

In fact, it's always been my impression that when a person sees someone like this, the first session is more of an information gathering session.....where boundaries are discussed, where objectives are discussed, etc. Usually the first session doesn't delve into anything of a deeper nature.

Where did you find this therapist? What are their qualifications?

Considering you sounded extremely extremely depressed and emotionally fragile, based on your previous posts..your frequent admittance to "crying rivers" and lots of crying, I am surprised at this very sudden turnaround in your state of mind here.

As well, unless you didn't give this therapist as much info on your state of mind as you gave us, and unless he's a psychologist or psychiatrist, he's in no way qualified to tell you, based on one session, that you do not require medications (antidepressants, mood stabilizers, etc etc).

I'd be more inclined to suspect that your more upbeat state of mind is due to the fact that you're back to communicating with this guy again.

[newcommer]

I have no reason to be dishonest, after all I posted this problem due to the fact it is a problem. I can't try and find answers and help if I am being false. I don't particuliarly enjoy running after a man or making myself look desperate even though he says I don't. I know how I am behaving. At this point I think love has turned into a need to hold onto my "Playmate". I know that I am really having more trouble accepting all the fun we had as "friends" and later as intimate friends, slowly disapated and I wonder how on earth I messed up. He says stop blaming myself it is he who is a mess and needs to sort out his life. I think I just can't beleive how he fought so hard to have me become a part of his life. Needed me so much and tried so hard to break me out of my shell. He knew I had dated my ex for 8 years and the relationship was toxic. He knew I was just finding myself and trying hard to find strength in being alone. He kept saying he wanted to help and I kept pushing him away.Pushing until finally I trusted him like I trusted no other man and broke slowly out of my fear of sex, fear of intimacy, uncomfortable feeling of holding hands with people and even shaking hands. He worked so hard to ease me into feeling safe and showing me how to feel beautiful and sexy. He literally helped me see myself so differently. Then, he drew back months later (being unemployeed still) and he used his unemployment as an excuse. Saying he was so depressed even though he is chearful and smiling. He said he was in no position to want to go to plays and walk the beach and to feel okay and he did not know what he wanted from life. That hurt so much because I trusted him enough to try and meet him half way and when I finally fell deep in love, he drew back. I feel alone even though he is still in my life. I feel upset my playmate is gone and I am left with a man who seems to ration his time with me. He never misses a holiday or does not come to me when I need him most, but despite this, everything changed for the worst and I feel as if I am almost back with my ex. Meaning my old relationship was one of never seeing my boyfriend and....I can't believe I left one man and months later the new one took over the old man's place of not being there for me as a boyfriend.

As for your remark about the psyciatrist. He was a psychologist not a psychiatrist. He actually was able to see me right away. When I came his office was closing, but he seems to notice I was distraught and took and interest in me. I KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING AND I WON'T GO THERE WITH YOU ALTHOUGH YOUR CORRECT ! The session was suppose to be a 5-10 minute intake to see what the problem was and if I were speaking to the right professional to be seeking help. There were psychiatrist in the office as well so who I needed to see needed to be determined. Being I know all of my problems I was able to break things down very fast and tell him my difficulty was moving on and moving away and not feeling incredible pain. I did tell him about my crying and even that I felt irrational in my actions.

As for the guy in my life, I kind of wish he were cruel and hurtful. Then pulling away would be easier. However he is always so kind. Today my car needed serious repairs and he drove me all the way out to the dealer 20 minutes from where I live and then from the dealer to work and picked me up from work. My car needs to stay over night and He agreed to do it again. Don't ask why my parents are not doing this!!! As much as my nagging should drive him up the wall, he is always so kind. He called me up and said he was at the supermarket and he wanted to know if there are any items I needed picked up. He is not in love with me the way i am in love with him but I know he cares very much for me.

His disposition is always so sunny that it is hard for me to stay pessimistic. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to break free of someone you know is not good for you in certain respects, yet they are always trying to show you in small ways how they care. He could have pushed me away. He could have cut me off entirely. He does not. He does not lead me on into thinking he is in love with me, but he also does not show he is not attracted to me or that he does not care for me. It is really a hard place to be in. Harder when the person is gentle and passionate and at the same time he treats you like a lady and never oversteps.

First of all, I was definitely not insinuating or implying that anything you've posted has appeared questionable or farfetched. Not sure what made you think I was implying that? I really wasn't.

Okay, so you saw a psychologist. It doesn't sound like you had a very long session so I'm still leary about how he could come to many conclusions based on the short time you spoke.

You wrote:

"However he is always so kind. Today my car needed serious repairs and he drove me all the way out to the dealer 20 minutes from where I live and then from the dealer to work and picked me up from work. My car needs to stay over night and He agreed to do it again. Don't ask why my parents are not doing this!!!"

I don't mean to be harsh, but what's the big deal that he is helping you out like this while your car is getting repaired? Hell, that should be worth less than the $200 you gave him in the past to "tell you the truth" (and the loser actually accepted it from you). I mean, what else does he have to do? He's unemployed, correct?

And why would your parents be expected to drive you around? You're a grown woman (something made me think you stated you're in your early 30's) with a PhD (by the way, what's your PhD in?).....I'd say you're long past the age/stage of your parents having to drive you around if your car is in for repairs, that shouldn't be their obligation? Don't you think?

[newcommer]

I am 31yrs actually and completing a Ph.D program, I am not finished. I have presently 45 credits above my masters and have finished all necessary course work. I only have my research to go. I believe I have finished my dissertation, I simply want to fine tune my research and have someone critique my work before finalizing everything. It's a struggle, but I am almost there. Hopefully I will be in Japan in June. I am hoping to win a grant I applied for to attend the Fulbright Memorial Fund conference. If I win this grant, it will tremendously help me add an even more unique approach to my reasearch.

As for my parents, IF my parents car were not working, I would and have drove them to the dealer. Since my parents also are not working and have the time, and I do live with them, one would think they would take me. However it is not worth the headached of me asking them, because the price of hearing their bickering and/or insults is not worth the trouble.

[newcommer]

I am reading all of your replies and responses and It just amazes me how us humans go through this stuff.

As I reread some of the comments I see how I am a complete idiot. I see how it is amazing others did not write, "Get a life you dumb >>>>>>>". Pathetic, yet it does not stop you from feeling a slight depression and wishing things would be different. I wish we did not feel so strongly and that all people could walk away from Toxic situations as readily as others. But we can not all do that. Some people are lucky and can walk away and never look back. Others of us get knots in our stomachs and feel like we are so alone. Thank God for this site! Thank God for great people with the hearts and compassion to want to take time out and write and help!

[jenny]

what does this mean:

KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING AND I WON'T GO THERE WITH YOU ALTHOUGH YOUR CORRECT

[moimeme]

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to break free of someone you know is not good for you in certain respects, yet they are always trying to show you in small ways how they care. He could have pushed me away. He could have cut me off entirely. He does not. He does not lead me on into thinking he is in love with me, but he also does not show he is not attracted to me or that he does not care for me. It is really a hard place to be in. Harder when the person is gentle and passionate and at the same time he treats you like a lady and never oversteps.

You're right about that. There are women who have supposed loving partners who don't treat them that well.
Life can certainly be tiresome sometimes.