The morning greeted me with soft light, birds chirping, and the need to fill out, together, a “Couples Questionnaire” before our session. My first impulse was to run far away.
I have come to the conclusion that doing almost everything, much less the volatile document that the questionnaire represented, with my wife leads to unpleasant verbal exchanges. The internal optimist won however, and rather than fleeing I began to answer the first of 19 questions, “What things about your spouse did you most like about them when you met the first time?” Quickly scanning the other questions, it was clear that they were designed to bring the respondent back to a happier, care free time and I decided that the optimist deserved to win.
But, then there was............. Question #2, simply; “How long ago did you meet your spouse?” Rather than do the subtraction, it was longer than 10 years, I thought, and mentally stumbling instead, blurted out that I really didn’t know, exactly. The tripwire snapped, and I was soon being criticized for another shortcoming: Poor Memory.
We struggled on to Question 3, “How have your values changed/remained the same since meeting?” When I mentioned that her values toward being employed outside the home had changed, she went to “DEAFCON 1:” a highly emotional barrage of defensive language began to emerge from her underground silos. Before my own very effective and extremely damaging arsenal could be launched, a mental coup removed the optimist from power. With the optimist’s head in a basket, I withdrew, refusing to participate in the activity that seemed designed to cause marital Armageddon.
I related this story to our counselor after we arrived because almost all activities with my wife have lead to the same ending. I've learned that rather than fight a stressful battle in which I end up frothing at the mouth, looking at terrified people who are wondering how I could possibly react thus, I just break contact. Counsellor asked wife what could have set her off.
Her first explanation was she was very disappointed in my answer, which lead her to believe that I did not love her, just like 4 YEARS AGO when I did not return from a business trip after she and 2 kids were uninjured (later learned her knee was damaged) in an auto-accident and at the time I urged her to be independent and take care of the situation without me. How, I wondered could anyone remember 4 years ago?
How, the counselor wondered could husband make up for this transgression? Wife replied that he could cease and desist expressing in any way, shape or form, my desire that she get a job. Quid pro quo manipulation:
Emotional extortion is what I called it and refused to “bargain.”
Slowly I’m realizing that her emoting is less a product of being female or being generally shrewish, but more a calculated plan that is triggered whenever her own wants are projected on me, but are rejected for one reason or another. Well, our session ended with the counselor imploring her to forgive and stop the dredging the past to invoke emotional responses intended to change my behavior. It seemed clear, to me that this activity was only damaging to her.
I'm confused. You don't think that it was a good thing that the counselor implored her to forgive and stop the dredging the past to invoke emotional responses intended to change your behavior? It sounds to me like the counselor recognizes that she does this to try to manipulate you.
Do you think that the counsellor isn't doing a good enough job of telling her to cut the crap and move on to more important issues?
Originally posted by dyermaker
While I find your accounts entertaining, in a voyeuristic, sardonic way--I am concerned. Do you get anything out of it?
That's a good question. I'm wondering if he even WANTS to get anything out of it. It's kind of hard to tell what he hopes to accomplish other than to point the finger at her.
Well, I have expressed my concern about the tone of your posts before Samson, only to be told by you that it is helpful and cathartic to post on here...and if that is so , then you certainly have my support, and I also thank you for expressing yourself in a witty manner and giving us a chuckle, even it the content IS dark and serious.
But like, dyermaker, I also want to ask, is this helping so far? You have shown courage to continue, so do you see a light at the end somewhere? Are you ever able to have a calm conversation with your wife? Does she admit any of her failings when you are with the counsellor? It always takes two.
I very much hope things do start to improve, so that the optimist can perhaps regain, and maintain, rule in your head.
I imagine samsons optimism is there, though he may not believe it is, especially if he is planning on continuing with this and is thus far trudging into it; I imagine that perhaps he is planning on getting something out of it, be it to learn he needs to leave or that it will be ok. No matter what samson, it will be ok My best wishes to you, I hope it does work out for the best.
__________________
"But Daddy I want an oompaloompa NOW!"
"Thats just my opinion though, I could be wrong"
"Its better to be pissed off, than it is to be pissed ON"
As soon as anyone at the meeting starts to tear my argument apart, I'll remember to give myself a quick rub then stand up and smell my fingers whilst responding to my opponent calmly and with poise.
A 'less of a man' would have already walked. YOU GO SAMSON!!!!
- Arabess
Dyer's question asked and answered.............AND, let's not forget, I get my own schadenfreud; Like everyone else reading LS posts, I often realize mine are not the innermost circles of hell.
Quote:
It's kind of hard to tell what he hopes to accomplish other than to point the finger at her
I imagine you could see it this way, but I assure you that I've never claimed to be completely innocent of having contributed to the present state of my marriage. I've made serious errors in the past, and have come close to more serious mistakes in the present, only to pull back from the abyss because I value my family.
My question was asked, but not answered. I understand that you are a great man for trying to make an effort at it, but I don't consider going with the outlook that "Oh, I can't wait to go to marriage counseling, and then rush home knowing the title will be HELL: DAY X; CLEVER TITLE"
To me, that's defeatist, and you're wasting your money.
So, cleverness aside, do you feel you are getting something out of it?
My purpose in quoting Arabess was to demonstrate that through my posts I receive positive reinforcement that I would never receive otherwise.
Certainly, I'd agree that going to marriage councelling ONLY to be able to report the results on LS forums would be a ridiculous waste of resources. I assure you I have other, much more meaningful goals in mind than a catchy title to a weekly post. You must realize, this whole process is much less than fun, but "for better or worse" my nature is to find humor in almost every situation, e.g. the horrible pun just read.
But, seriously, to answer your question isn't really possible: Do I feel I'm getting something out of it? Not much, yet.
But if you ask do I feel WE are getting more out of it than doing nothing but letting our marriage decay into an unsalvegable gangrenous festering wound for the next few decades........well, isn't anything better?
Amputation?.....sorry, won't work for me: I march or die.
Presumably, you have discussed the joblessness issue with your wife numerous times. Presumably, she is already well acquainted with your feelings on it, and your opinion of her feelings (apparently, dismissive). You have argued about this, doubtless, on untold quantities of occasions. So can you really say that you did not know that interjecting your witty remark about changing values (which really wasn't about values but a chance to stick in another dig at her) would not provoke the same reaction it always gets? And then you can play the 'poor, browbeaten little me' game when she reacts, predictably, as she has so many times before.
Better yet, she is so distraught at having this thrown in her face yet again that she digs around for something to throw back - whereupon both you and the therapist rejoice in telling her SHE should let things go.
Doubtless, you will bring it up again another day, particularly as she asked specifically that you not do it again.
Frankly, your resentment of her for not pulling her financial weight colours all your interaction with her. Like April, you have totally lost respect for your partner and therefore are neither willing to give that partner a break nor, more importantly, any credence to the validity of your partners' feelings.
I predict two divorces before long.
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I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
I'm totally not sorry I asked, but I don't quite understand it yet--don't try to make me, just keep posting. I look forward to your fifth day of HELL, hopefully you are ascending. Dante said that the hottest fires of HELL are reserved for those who in times of Crisis do nothing, kudos to you for doing something, whether or not you notice the effects personally yet.
I have to say, Samson, that if you come here partly to absorb other viewpoints, then I think moimeme has raised some interesting points for you to consider and absorb. Do you see any truth in them yourself? Both you and your wife need to play fair, something which is hard to do once resentment builds up. Of course, it's hard for us to be objective based on your posts.
I truly wish you well, and hope next week's session is a little more positive. I'm glad you are trying to do something, just stick with an open mind. Good luck to you.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
My best wishes to you, I hope it does work out for the best.
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