[Samson]

HELL: Day 3 Sticks and Stones

The morning greeted me with soft light, birds chirping, and the need to fill out, together, a “Couples Questionnaire” before our session. My first impulse was to run far away.

I have come to the conclusion that doing almost everything, much less the volatile document that the questionnaire represented, with my wife leads to unpleasant verbal exchanges. The internal optimist won however, and rather than fleeing I began to answer the first of 19 questions, “What things about your spouse did you most like about them when you met the first time?” Quickly scanning the other questions, it was clear that they were designed to bring the respondent back to a happier, care free time and I decided that the optimist deserved to win.


But, then there was............. Question #2, simply; “How long ago did you meet your spouse?” Rather than do the subtraction, it was longer than 10 years, I thought, and mentally stumbling instead, blurted out that I really didn’t know, exactly. The tripwire snapped, and I was soon being criticized for another shortcoming: Poor Memory.

We struggled on to Question 3, “How have your values changed/remained the same since meeting?” When I mentioned that her values toward being employed outside the home had changed, she went to “DEAFCON 1:” a highly emotional barrage of defensive language began to emerge from her underground silos. Before my own very effective and extremely damaging arsenal could be launched, a mental coup removed the optimist from power. With the optimist’s head in a basket, I withdrew, refusing to participate in the activity that seemed designed to cause marital Armageddon.

I related this story to our counselor after we arrived because almost all activities with my wife have lead to the same ending. I've learned that rather than fight a stressful battle in which I end up frothing at the mouth, looking at terrified people who are wondering how I could possibly react thus, I just break contact. Counsellor asked wife what could have set her off.

Her first explanation was she was very disappointed in my answer, which lead her to believe that I did not love her, just like 4 YEARS AGO when I did not return from a business trip after she and 2 kids were uninjured (later learned her knee was damaged) in an auto-accident and at the time I urged her to be independent and take care of the situation without me. How, I wondered could anyone remember 4 years ago?

How, the counselor wondered could husband make up for this transgression? Wife replied that he could cease and desist expressing in any way, shape or form, my desire that she get a job. Quid pro quo manipulation:

Emotional extortion is what I called it and refused to “bargain.”

Slowly I’m realizing that her emoting is less a product of being female or being generally shrewish, but more a calculated plan that is triggered whenever her own wants are projected on me, but are rejected for one reason or another. Well, our session ended with the counselor imploring her to forgive and stop the dredging the past to invoke emotional responses intended to change my behavior. It seemed clear, to me that this activity was only damaging to her.

This counselling sure is great, eh!