I met a man at work who I became friends with and got to know over lunches and friendly telephone calls. We recently started dating. It's been 2 months now. He's just started dating again after being in a long term relationship.
He gave me the impression that he and his ex-girlfriend had broken up about a year and a half ago.
I've found out some information about this relationship and I don't know if I should be concerned.
On one of our dates, his ex stopped by to say hello. He asked me to hide in his bedroom. His reason being that he hadn't told his ex yet about me because he didn't want to hurt her. He was forced to tell her that he was out on a date. She left immediately after finding out. I never saw her since I was still hiding in the bedroom.
He stopped calling me a few days after that and didn't show up for work so I called him numerous times to find out what was going on, but I never received a call back. I was going to give up, but I got a call from his ex.
She told me that my guy was helping her out with something personal thus the disappearing act. She said he was a great guy, the kind of guy women fall in love with forever and that I shouldn't give up on him.
She knew I was worried about what her presence would mean in the relationship so she reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. She was still very much in love with guy, but it hurt too much to be together. Too many fireworks. She said she wanted him to be happy even if it wasn't with her.
She said that she was going to break the bond she had with him and he would really need me now so don't give up.
She calls me later on that day that it was done and he would need me. He calls me and we end up getting together the same day. He knew that his ex and I had spoken. He wanted to know if I had any questions. I felt that it was none of my business and I just didn't want to know.
Fast forward a few weeks later and I find out by accident from another co-worker (different department, different building) that it's possible my guy and his ex never broke up completely. Co-worker is friends with both guy and his ex and did not know that I was with guy now. Guy never told him. I didn't tell him either because I wanted to know what info he had on them.
It turns out that my guy and his ex were together for at least three and a half years and had been on again and off again the last year and a half. They lived together the first three and a half years and decided to stop living together and go on a break.
But in that time, they never really took a break from each other. They continued to see and be with each other. They didn't date other people. They continued to see each other during the week. They spent most weekends together. They spent vacations, social events, holidays and family gatherings together. And I'm pretty sure they even slept together.
Co-worker informs me that the ex had been willing to walk away and make a new start for herself. She and my guy had been having problems. She told guy repeatedly that if there was no future in the relationship to let her know so she could walk away. Guy would tell her over and over that he didn't know what the future held and couldn't give her an answer so ex stayed.
The ex also asked guy to be honest with her if he found himself wanting to be with someone else because she didn't want to find out some other way. Guy continually reassured her that there wasn't anyone else.
I asked co-worker if he knew when they were last together. It turns out that a few days before guy and I went on our first date, he and the ex were together. Guy turned down co-worker's offer to go out for drinks to celebrate co-worker's promotion to be with her.
Co-worker said he didn't understand why ex just now broke off all ties with my guy. Unbeknownst to me, the ex and my guy have been talking to each other during this whole time.
Co-worker said that about two days ago, my guy and ex were in contact with each other. My guy asked that he and the ex remain friends and in each other's lives. Ex told my guy she doesn't want him in her life at all. He apologized for hurting her and acknowledged that she didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated her. He mentioned something about betraying her (what does this mean?!)
He also mentioned something about not deserving forgiveness. He told her how much he loved her and hoped that someday they'd be able to talk to each other again. Co-worker said that my guy was pretty broken up about this and was in tears over this conversation.
Should I be worried about this?
My guy doesn't say anything to me at all about his ex. He's very tight-lipped about her. We're just in the beginning stages of our relationship and I think I'm starting to fall for him hard.
He tells me constantly how much he likes being with me and how I make him feel safe and secure.
Should I be concerned that he might have residual feelings for the ex?
Is he on the rebound? And am I possibly the other woman?
I think between what you've witnessed yourself and what this co-worker has revealed, not only should you be "worried," you should consider the relationship over. And see this guy for the weak, confused user that he is.
Yes, you are "the other woman." He has been very deceitful with you; when it comes to relationships, lies of omission are just as bad as outright fabrication. And he did directly lie to you about what was going on with his ex.
I don't know what kind of game this guy is playing, but it seems pretty clear that where you're concerned things occur at his convenience. At best he has been very thoughtless of your feelings and disrespectful of you. He had no business starting something with you when he was still very much entangled with his "ex." If he had apprised you of the situation at the outset, and you had started this with him fully informed, then it wouldn't be SO bad (although you've gotta wonder about a guy who's so clueless and vulnerable about his own emotions that he just ricochets into another relationship with nary a thought for the one he hasn't finished yet).
He has used you and deceived you in order to alleviate the pain and confusion he's experiencing about his primary relationship. I'm not saying he doesn't like you, or that he doesn't care at all about you. He probably does. But he's not emotionally available to you, no matter what the official status of his relationship with his "ex."
I think her phone call to you was weird. And I suspect it wasn't meant to be a friendly reassurance, even if it was couched that way.
Those seem to be two very messed up people. He is selfish enough to drag you into his unhappy little emotional drama. Good for him, not good for you. Now that you see what's really going on, I'd take a permanent leave of absence from this guy's life. No explanations necessary.
Don't you think it was strange that he made you hide in the bedroom when she came over?
And if she's truly the "ex" why didn't he just tell her? Why was he forced to tell her? Why was he worried about hurting her if it was truly over between the two of them?
I think this man had an agenda. He was trying to have his cake and eat it too. He probably wanted to see where the relationship with you was going and if it didn't work out, he'd go back to his "ex."
The guy is a user and a cheater.
And yes, you are the "other woman." You probably already knew that since you asked the question.
Dump his cheating ass and shut him out of your life like his "ex" did.
If you ask me, he sounds like a spineless little weasel. I would have been angry about a stranger (his ex) calling me! Gross. You only have to interact with people you choose to interact with. She stepped over the line.
But at least you know NOW! Congratulations on that one.
I just wanted to add that his ex has since moved to another state. I think that's what she meant about breaking the bond.
Co-worker's also told me that ex told my guy she wasn't going to be calling him or chasing after him anymore. She's still in love with him, wants him to be happy and find someone else, but she can't get over being angry with my guy over something he did.
My guy's been the one to initiate the contact with her. He's been calling her to see how she's doing - to see if she's ok. Apparently, they've been civil until recently when ex told him to leave her alone and get out of her life.
Isn't it possible that he's just being a nice guy and he's just looking out for her, trying to ease the pain because he feels bad that she got hurt?
Is what he did with me actually cheating considering all the problems they had in their relationship?
Originally posted by Erin2003 and get out of her life.
Isn't it possible that he's just being a nice guy and he's just looking out for her, trying to ease the pain because he feels bad that she got hurt?
Is what he did with me actually cheating considering all the problems they had in their relationship?
I'm not quite sure why you want to give this guy so much slack. I wouldn't be worried about whether or not he was cheating on his ex/not-ex with you -- he was cheating on you with her. Even if they weren't physically involved, she was/is the primary object of his affection. He was using you as a stop-gap.
He was weeping about something she said to him. Does this sound like a guy who is emotionally available to you? Do you WANT to be the rebound girl?
Assume that the ex is moving away. Doesn't mean that she'll always be there, or that he won't move to where she is. Doesn't mean that they won't stay in touch. Regardless of what is being said now about cutting all ties. She still loves him. He still loves her. As long as they both feel that way, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with either of them, because it would never be secure.
He is waaaay more invested in it than a guy who's just trying to be nice and help his ex along her way toward getting over him.
I think you're too invested in the idea of being with him to view this objectively. This guy has given you multiple signs that he is not going to be a good boyfriend to you. You do not come first in his affections. You are not the person he confides in. He has no trouble hiding things from you, or forcing you to accept his moodiness and his wish to only interact with you as it suits him. I don't see much in that that could be satisfying ... do you?
Co-worker told me that ex was hurt and devastated over whatever it was that happened between her and my guy. She's left her job and family to get away from it all. She's apparently in a pretty bad state. She is due to return in a couple of months.
I also found out that she and my guy were each other's very first serious long-term relationship. Co-worker says they weren't just bf/gf, they were best friends too, that there was nothing they wouldn't do for each other.
The ex actually believed they were going to get married and have children together someday. Co-worker doesn't think my guy ever corrected her when she'd mention this.
Follow up to "Am I the other woman" - Need support - Please help!!
I confronted him last night and forced him to tell me the truth.
He told me that while he loved and cared about his ex, he wasn't in love with her anymore. There were a lot of problems in the relationship. It was volatile at times and he really wasn't sure where it was headed.
He doesn't believe that he did anything wrong with striking up a relationship with me nor does he believe that he'd cheated on her because they'd already broken up a year and a half ago.
He didn't tell her about me because she's very sensitive because she's still in love with him and he was sincerely afraid of hurting her.
He said that he felt bad that ex was hurt and that's why he'd been calling her - to make sure she was ok.
He said that I didn't have anything to worry about because he chose to be with me and not her.
He also told me what that little disappearing act was about. The ex had gotten p***nant. He didn't want it and told her so, but reassured her that whatever she decided would be fine with him.
She really wanted it, but reluctantly agreed to get rid of it. She wanted to bring it up on her own without him or given it up, but he insisted that if that happened he'd have to be present. She asked him point blank if that was the only way he'd be with her - if she was with child - he said yes.
He was so unhappy about it, but was determined to do the right thing. He admitted being scared. He didn't want to be a dad. He wasn't ready. He didn't want his relationship with me ruined. He told ex that this was tearing him up inside and his first instinct was to run to me because I made him feel safe and secure.
He did finally tell ex that there would be no future for them. She ended up losing the b*by. She was hospitalized for complications and he'd stayed with her during that time. They parted ways, proclaiming their love for one another, admitting that it was just too painful to be together. At that time, they both wanted to remain in each other's lives. She told him she wanted him to be happy and if I made him happy then she accepted that.
The same night that we got back together - the same night we first got intimate - he'd just left her bedside to be with me.
I told him to get his sorry cheating, using, spineless ass out the door. He felt guilty about what had happened (to who? to me? to the ex?), but wasn't really sure why.
He wouldn't leave. He told me how much he liked being with me and that there was something about me that drew him to me, that he felt close to me and that this could be the start of something wonderful. He said I had nothing to worry about. Though he would always care about her, he was with me now, not her. They had agreed to stay out of each other's lives.
I told him to get out or I'd call the police.
I feel like such a fool. It hurts so much. I really liked this guy and could see myself falling in love with him.
Please, help. I need your support on this. I'm so conflicted about this. He was just so nice. I really felt something for him and I can't help but think that ex was somehow at fault and made him act this way.
"Co-worker doesn't think my guy ever corrected her when she'd mention this."
Don't you wonder if he ever will?
I'm dealing with someone that's keeping me on by a thread. It's nice when they can have their cake and eat it too. But it's UNFAIR to the person that is strung along.
It sounds like you've had a lot of drama in your life with this guy. If you are the type of person to enjoy that, this isn't so bad. If you are the type to lose sleep, worry, have problems at work because of dramatic situations then you might want to remember what your life was like before this guy.
Incidently, whether freudian or not, you refer to him as 'your guy', so I guess that means you really do want this guy. Or perhaps it's become a bit of a competition that you don't want to lose. Please think about your motives.
You're probably all going to think I'm crazy, but I took him back.
I really really like this guy and I want to be with him. I believe him when he says that he was drawn to me. I feel the same way. I'm not sure if it's love at first sight, but I think that's how it is for both of us.
We both feel very passionately about each other. I know this because he told me that he's starting to fall in love with me (I feel the same way) and he almost said the L word. I don't care about his past because that's all over with. What's in the past should stay in the past.
I don't believe in judging people based on their past mistakes. He is genuinely a nice, caring and loving man.
And I know that the ex won't be an issue in our relationship. I know he's definitely over her because I was there when ex called recently. She's still hung up on what happened but wanted closure.
She kept insisting that they were still together the last year and a half and that he had no business being with me while he was still with her. She believes that he cheated on her and that she didn't deserve to be treated the way she was treated.
She kept asking him what made him think it was right to cheat on her and to treat her the way he treated her. The bitch got downright abusive and insulting, calling him a cheat and a liar who wasn't man enough to tell her the truth and was too scared to confront his own feelings.
She said he was a selfish bastard who'd stolen her life away from her. He let her continue her tirade for about ten minutes before he got sick of it.
He finally cut her off and told her he never meant to hurt her, that he was just scared to tell her about me because he didn't want to hurt her and that he loved her and always will. He told her that he had wanted to save a good friendship, but this would have to be goodbye. He wished her a happy life and hung up on her.
He told me that every time he was on the phone with her it was one long guilt trip and he just didn't want to put up with it anymore. I think that proves he's over her.
I think I can understand why he didn't want to be with her. She sounded like a demanding, nagging bitch.
I feel sorry for her, really. She seems really messed up - a poor pathetic psychobitch who just can't let go.
Let me get this straight. First of all, is there some old post of yours that gives more background info? (I'll have to search for it, what month did you post it?)
So based on what I'm picking up here......you took a guy back who left his girlfriend's hospital bed (her pregnant with his baby, but lost it, which must have been devastating to her) and went over to see you and "be intimate." Now if that's not special, I don't know what is. Not.
He didn't want to tell her about you because he didn't want to upset her? Wake up and smell reality........he didn't tell her about you because he was WITH HER and had you 'on the side'......
And why the need to bash her like this?:
Quote:
He told me that every time he was on the phone with her it was one long guilt trip and he just didn't want to put up with it anymore. I think that proves he's over her.
I think I can understand why he didn't want to be with her. She sounded like a demanding, nagging bitch.
I feel sorry for her, really. She seems really messed up - a poor pathetic psychobitch who just can't let go.
Um, WAKEY WAKEY, if a guy is really "over someone", they don't continue to have telephone conversations with them. I think you're really naive.
And what right do you have to call her the names that you do? Seems to me he was playing you both. She was pregnant with his child. That's a pretty big thing. Doesn't sound like she'd really wanted to "get rid of it" in the first place but agreed to do so to appease him.......though as fate would have it,she lost it anyway. The poor gal is probably going through a lot. When you're carrying someone's child and you lose that baby, that's got to have a major impact. I think you're being very selfish and cold.
Why in the hell would you want a guy who gets his ex pregnant, but can't be man enough to face up to his responsibilities (if he didn't want to "be a dad then he should have kept his p*cker in his pants...I"m sure he was old enough to know the risks of sex causing pregnancy)....but instead, wanted the mother of his unborn child to "get rid of it" (like an old pair of shoes)......and allt he while he's seeing you on the side,she doesn't know about you, he's putting on this BS act of sitting there at her hospital bedside consoling her, then running back to you later that night to screw ya.
The whole thing is really messed up. You sound really naive and selfish and I'm betting you don't know the whole story. Your guy sounds like a lying player...and you sound like you must be desperate; to want such a loser for a guy...to have taken him back. There are two sides to every story. It might seem easy to bash his ex and call her a bitch and other niceties, but remember, you're only hearing HIS version of the story. You need to wake up big time.
This is very telling:
Quote:
She really wanted it, but reluctantly agreed to get rid of it. She wanted to bring it up on her own without him or given it up, but he insisted that if that happened he'd have to be present. She asked him point blank if that was the only way he'd be with her - if she was with child - he said yes.
He was so unhappy about it, but was determined to do the right thing. He admitted being scared. He didn't want to be a dad. He wasn't ready. He didn't want his relationship with me ruined. He told ex that this was tearing him up inside and his first instinct was to run to me because I made him feel safe and secure.
My god, this is disgusting. He knocks up his girlfriend, he knows she wants to keep the baby (imagine that) but he makes it clear that if she keeps it he will ONLY be with her for the child's sake.....wow, that must have made her feel really special. So then he puts his relationship with YOU before the life of his unborn child....doesn't want his little 'accident' to mess up his fun with you. How sick. Of course he ran to you..of course you made him feel safe and secure...you were not the one who was carrying his child and a whole lot of responsibilities that would come with that.
So he chose you over his child. How nice. It will probably take his ex years to get over this. She lost her child, and she came to the realization that the man she loved and got pregnant by, up and left her when the going got tough/when she got pregnant. He maybe said he'd "do the right thing" but I'm sure his attitude and actions told her that he didn't want to be around. Poor girl.
I feel sorry for you to, in other ways. What ages are you all?
Last edited by Just A Girl2; 7th June 2003 at 11:00 AM..
And I am not desperate. I am a highly successful, highly paid professional.
As far as the telephone calls between the two of them are concerned, he was just checking in on her. Apparently, in a pathetic and desperate bid for attention/last ditch effort to hang on to him, she attempted to hurt herself right after she'd lost the baby. She was a mess, I guess, and he just was trying to be there for her - that's all. It doesn't mean he wasn't over her. He just felt bad for her.
I know he was her very first and only, but at one point or another, we all get over our firsts.
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