I thought there was only 1 kind of OW; the kind who starts dating a MM because he has told her he is unfulfilled in his marriage.
Most OW make a choice to either stay and continue the affair or they decide they want a life for themselves and aren't going to wait around for years while he dangles "the future" in front of her.
But after reading on here, I have come to understand that there are other types of OW.
One being a woman who purposefully decides to ONLY date MM and seeks out those 'relationships' vs dating single men.
Then there are those OW who decide, as much as they love this man, they are NOT going to date him while married and make this known UP FRONT. And they end the affair. Some 'get the guy' in the end because he realizes how much he loves her and ends his marriage to be with her and chooses to not disrespect her by continuing the relationship when he isn't 'free' to be with her.
Is that it? Are those the basic 3 types of OW? I will admit that until coming here, I really had no idea that there were women who only dated MM. Is that more common than the 'normal' OW?
What type of OW are/were you?
I was the 'normal' one. I started dating a man who was married, he told me he was in a miserable, unhappy marriage. Within 2 months of meeting, he moved out and lived in an apartment for a year. He didn't leave for me. I believe he left to prove a point to his wife. After a year, he moved back in with her, all the while telling me it was just for show, he loved me, he wanted a life with me, etc. After a year of this, I decided I wanted more and needed more and started dating. He stayed and moved away a few months later with his wife. I guess they are still together, I have no idea.
__________________ We teach others how to treat us.
I was newly divorced, felt miserable, ugly, unloved - you name it. If it was bad, it probably fit me. I was an OW for a very short time. One day while we were lying in bed he asked me why I was there with him. Caught off-guard, I told him the truth:
I said because I don't really like you. I don't trust anyone who would cheat on his wife, so I know I would never fall in love with you. You are safe for me right now. Once I said the words I could see that I had enough confidence to no longer need to be there. Despite his future calls I never saw him again. Nor did I ever date another married man.
I was newly divorced, felt miserable, ugly, unloved - you name it. If it was bad, it probably fit me. I was an OW for a very short time. One day while we were lying in bed he asked me why I was there with him. Caught off-guard, I told him the truth:
I said because I don't really like you. I don't trust anyone who would cheat on his wife, so I know I would never fall in love with you. You are safe for me right now. Once I said the words I could see that I had enough confidence to no longer need to be there. Despite his future calls I never saw him again. Nor did I ever date another married man.
Thanks Silk. I didn't mean to make it only 3 categories; those were the only ones I could think of off the top of my head. I figured there were more but was only going by what I read here.
Boy do I understand the newly divorced ugly feeling. I felt very much the same way as you and in fact, my affair happened 1 year after my divorce. And I felt the same way as you in regards to never dating another married man again.
I am the OW who has known that the MM was married.
At the time we began, I was married too. We came together because we were both missing the emotional connection and sex. We thought it would be NSA - and now I laugh.
I can NOT have NSA sex .... I know that now.
I love him. Today I would not let him go - unless he wanted out.
Although sometimes my head hurts because I think I am mental - my heart loves him. SO much.
__________________ "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened” - Dr. Seuss
Nowhere to Hide.
You are very very hard on yourself.
Well I am also a married OW. My situation doesn't fit any of those more typical situations.
I'm definitely an outlier, but what the hey you can add me to your mix as the over idealistic and slow to wisdom poly.
I thought that/hoped fervently that my MM could also have an open marriage.
My philosophy is there are 2 types of OW: the mistress and the other woman.
The mistress may be “kept” or “un-kept”. She may or may not have feelings for the MM and vice versa. The “kept” mistress primary interest in the MM is some type of financial/material gain. She’d no longer see or enter into an A with a MM that would not “keep” her in the way she deems fit. She may want a wealthy MM to D, but doesn’t necessarily believe he will nor will he (she’s not important enough to him). The “un-kept” mistress primary interest is the MM himself. Her dominant attraction to him is that he's married. She has a more personal and/or psychological agenda for dating MM. It may be ego, the “chase”, the thrill, the “safety”, etc. She doesn’t require or expect gifts, etc. nor expects or wants the MM to D. She’d have no more interest if he did, but she also is not important enough for him to. The ability to manipulate the “idea” and fact that he is married is foremost. Overall, mistresses mainly play a “role” in the MM’s life, but she may go from mistress to the OW.
The other woman has a different and higher standing than the mistress. She has a “position” in the MM’s life. He is important to her and her to him. They genuinely care for each other and in essence they are a “couple”. She “accepts” his situation for however long simply because she loves him. He may or may not D, but he loves her also. She holds a significant and emotional place in the MM’s life hierarchy. She’ll rarely or knowingly go from OW to mistress. However, her “position” as the OW depends on the MM. If he no longer has feelings or considers her significant in his life, she is no longer the OW no matter how much she loves him. He has demoted her to mistress. I am the “un-kept” mistress who likes MM for my ego.
I met the exMM when he was separated and away on business. I had no clue about separations, really I did not. I assumed he was done with his marriage and had no reason to doubt it. We had three intense dates, intense and POOF he was gone back to where he lives. He was only here on assignment. We fell hard, at least I thought, and stayed in touch..I was on my way out to visit him where he lived (far away) and about a week or two before my trip got a horrible call from the wife, saying leave him alone he is mine. I was like WHAT?? what the hell, who are you..thought she was just jealous that he moved on and mad that he wanted out.
ENDS UP he never mentioned me, at all..and he moved back in with her, without saying boo to me. I was broken in peices and torn and fell hard. I tried to end it then and there, and abt 100 others times. SO basically I was so far gone I could not get my feelings in check..it has been on and off for years. I was the stupid kind of OW, is there a smart kind?? lol. I AM not calling anyone stupid, really. I am calling myself stupid and weak for falling for the bs so many times.
This is not love, or a love I want, it is an addiction, one I need to quit...he was my drug of choice I guess...and I am pretty strong willed and not an adict, especially not a love addict....go figure
I think my situation is similar to yours fooled once. When i met my mm he was seperated from his wife and he honestly didnt expect she would quit drinking and give him a reason to move back.
So i guess im the kind of OW that started out thinking that we had a real relationship and a great possible future only to be blindsided later down the road and go from girlfriend to O/W overnight.
I was the type of OW who fell hook, line and sinker for a bunch of lies. I was also recently divorced had a newborn baby to my SOB xH. And felt really really bad about myself. And along came the man who made me smile and I just had to have that. He was telling me all along how unhappy he was in his marriage, she is an alcoholic does not work blah blah blah. Here I sit 1 and half yr later still in the same position as I was when I met him only now I feel even more alone then before I met him.
He spent several nights a week with me so I was not alone at nite, we would be good for about 2 wks then she would stop drinking and he would go back to give it just one more try, we are now on probably try number 4. I have decided he can not give me what I need even if he was not with her, however he can only go about 2 weeks before I get the call that we need to talk and I fall for it every time, so this time I will be ready to tell him to f**k off as hard as it will be I am not going to be the stupid OW anymore.
i dont fit those categories. i was very happy in my M. my husband was (and still is perfect). my reasons for the affair were on a professional level. he is a public official, ive felt insecure about how i am at my job, he made me feel like i was a successful, smart woman. if the Boss thought i was amazing, than i must be amazing, right?
we never talked about being together. we didnt want to be married to each other. i never wanted him to leave his wife although at times it did hurt to be the other woman. i just liked the way he made me feel and was happy for the time we had together. still to this day ive never wanted more than that.
I am the one who isnt satisfied after years of trying at home (no interest on his part) and sees both married and single men. Upfront NSA, I dont want to change anyones situation and I leave when its clear they want more then that.
I dont think thats option 1,2 or 3
There are the OW that know exactly what they are doing. They know for fact he is married and it's a conquest for them. Married men are such easy pickings at times, just takes a little discord in their M, and blammo...the woman has him. Well, la de da, they end up with a man that cheats, what a prize, and if they do in fact leave their W for them, well, la de da.......not far down the road the same sh*t will come their way.
__________________ you've been too gone for too long, now it's too late to come back home-------randy travis
I was the 'normal' one. I started dating a man who was married, he told me he was in a miserable, unhappy marriage. Within 2 months of meeting, he moved out and lived in an apartment for a year. He didn't leave for me. I believe he left to prove a point to his wife. After a year, he moved back in with her, all the while telling me it was just for show, he loved me, he wanted a life with me, etc. After a year of this, I decided I wanted more and needed more and started dating. He stayed and moved away a few months later with his wife. I guess they are still together, I have no idea.
I would equate them more to like snowflakes... each different in their own way, yet also similar in composition.
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