Fall in love by chance- Fall out of love by choice.
Hello all!
I used to go by a different nick about a year ago. I was just dropping by to see if old members are still around and what they are up to, and also to share this article.
DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question.
She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"
Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...
Because it's happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that __expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bothe r (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage! , you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work,a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.
And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience.. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You20have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."
Because it takes time, effort, and energy . And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.
Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling .
"No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice"
But, we then choose to ACT ON, and FEED that attraction...or not.
And that CHOICE determines whether or not we fall in love.
If we don't act on the attraction, if we don't feed it, if we don't create opportunities to explore the attraction, to expand on our knowledge of and intimacy with this other person we're attracted to...it just stays as a passing attraction.
But if we start feeding it...if we start emotionally investing in it, start seeking out opportunities to act out on that attraction...we give it the chance to grow into love.
A CHOICE...not a CHANCE.
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"Do, or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
But, we then choose to ACT ON, and FEED that attraction...or not.
And that CHOICE determines whether or not we fall in love.
If we don't act on the attraction, if we don't feed it, if we don't create opportunities to explore the attraction, to expand on our knowledge of and intimacy with this other person we're attracted to...it just stays as a passing attraction.
But if we start feeding it...if we start emotionally investing in it, start seeking out opportunities to act out on that attraction...we give it the chance to grow into love.
A CHOICE...not a CHANCE.
Does this translate into learning to love the person you found?
Mimo, I think one can fall in love by chance but that person has to make the choice to stay in love. And that love does take alot of work to nourish. Think of it sort of like a flower that needs sunlight and water to grow and thrive.
Mea
__________________ "Always keep an open mind and a compassionate heart"
But deciding to allow the love/attraction you feel for a person to grow into "falling", is a choice. I did use the word deciding.
OPs, since this is in the OP forum, always make a choice to fall for the MP - whether they are aware of them being married or not. But most mention that they allowed it knowing the MP was married.
I'm not saying this makes them bad or immoral people. But I am saying that had they decided to not do the things that would have led to feelings of love and falling in love, they would not be in the position that they find themselves in.
__________________ "Don't tear down a fence until you know why it was put up." ~ African proverb
Mimo, I think one can fall in love by chance but that person has to make the choice to stay in love. And that love does take alot of work to nourish. Think of it sort of like a flower that needs sunlight and water to grow and thrive.
Mea
I agree.
Owl, I agree with you too. Coming across that person that you can have an instant connection with, it's basically by chance- some may call it destiny. What it blooms into could be all by choice. (kinda contradicts the 'destiny' part. LOL!)
I believe that there are many people out there that you could be with.
I think that all of us are attracted to far more than one person in our lifetimes.
But it's the choice to FEED that attraction that leads to love.
Even that person you feel an "instant connection" to...it's not love until you feed it and let it grow up into love. Before you choose to do so...it's just an attraction to someone you've met.
Staying in love means continuing to feed that love as well. Otherwise, it'll shrink down into something less than love.
It's all a CHOICE.
I occasionally meet women that I find very attractive. In my line of work, most of the women I meet are very intelligent, outgoing, and often physically attractive as well, so it's bound to happen that someone "catches my eye" once in a while.
The thing is...I NEVER feed it. I deliberately choose to STARVE that attraction instead...ensuring that it never gets a chance to grow into anything more, but instead that attraction dies of starvation. This is how I protect my marriage.
But it all starts with awareness of that process and ownership of my own ACTIONS AND CHOICES.
I too believe that our actions are by choice. Some people come to this forum and say that monogamy isn't natural. They site the animal kingdom as proof that we are not meant to be with just one mate.
Truth is, we are the only living things on this planet that have free will. As humans we, IMO, should use that free will responsibly. The gift of being able to choose our actions is what makes us unique. Those who say "it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it" are an insult to human intelligence.
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We all make choices, it's called free will.
I too believe that our actions are by choice. Some people come to this forum and say that monogamy isn't natural. They site the animal kingdom as proof that we are not meant to be with just one mate.
Truth is, we are the only living things on this planet that have free will. As humans we, IMO, should use that free will responsibly. The gift of being able to choose our actions is what makes us unique. Those who say "it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it" are an insult to human intelligence.
This may be a bit double-standard of me but the "it just happened and there was nothing that I can do about it" scenario may be all cute that I can almost hear the wedding bells when it's 2 single people that fall madly "in love". I dont share the same opionion when people get involved in EA or PA and "fall in love". This can be because of my personal experience but that's the way I feel. HereNow,I also feel like this is an insult to human intelligence.
The thing is...I NEVER feed it. I deliberately choose to STARVE that attraction instead...ensuring that it never gets a chance to grow into anything more, but instead that attraction dies of starvation. This is how I protect my marriage.
Same way that if you dont feed your marriage it'll die of starvation. You are giving your marriage the CHANCE of growing into something more than just a depedant by making the CHOICE to do feed it.
I too believe that our actions are by choice. Some people come to this forum and say that monogamy isn't natural. They site the animal kingdom as proof that we are not meant to be with just one mate.
Truth is, we are the only living things on this planet that have free will. As humans we, IMO, should use that free will responsibly. The gift of being able to choose our actions is what makes us unique. Those who say "it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it" are an insult to human intelligence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mimolicious
HereNow,I also feel like this is an insult to human intelligence.
Me too. It IS an insult to human intelligence to site that we are only animals and thus slaves to our animal impulses.
I've yet to see anything in the animal kingdom build monuments to their egos. And, ego is about the main thing that causes the human animal to venture into where they are not welcome or wanted.
I'm not sure about falling out of love being a choice. The times it happened to me (and there were many), it seemed to happen in the reverse of falling in love - the spark inexplicably died, and continued to die against my best intentions.
The whole falling in/falling out of love thing is driven by a chemical rush and a chemical dissipation in the brain over which we very little, if any control.
You can learn to love and bond with a person, but you can't really choose to fall 'in' or 'out' of love. It either happens or it doesn't.
Now, that said - we can make choices that might hasten or kill that process.
__________________ Take what is handed to you, and hand it back twice...
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"Always keep an open mind and a compassionate heart"
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