Yesterday I finally found the strengh and courage to tell my MM that it was over. The A had been going on for 4 years, I love him but I just can't continue living this lie. I proposed NC for a while and told him to really think what he wanted. That he needed to really decide; either work thing out with his W, or end it completely. That he could come back only with divorce papers in hand. When it was time to say goodbye I said, " I feel I will not see you in a long time". He responded... I will see you sooner than you think, I just have to finally work on those papers.
Will he ever be back? I felt he left leaving me with hope, I feel excited and hopeful that things will finally work. Do you think it was just another way to keep me waiting and not moving on? I need advice.
Holy crap, 4 years!! That's a long time! What kind of man is this to deceive his wife like this for so long? I know it must be a painful experience for you though. Try to think about how he was betraying his wife, and imagine you were married to this guy one day and he would look for an affair if he wasn't happy. The guy is a POS in my opinion. Four years of lies to the poor wife is simply inexcusable. Try to find a better man honey, someone who is at least not married.
Please don't get your hopes up. I recently asked my MW to leave her partner. The conversation went from how do I do it? To If I do it, to I can't make any promises, to I can't do it.
If he does leave his M, please think about how long and involved his divorce will be. THink about that he is going to need time to grieve the end of his relationship with his wife. Even though I wanted to leave my X, I still grieved over the end of what we had, only it was delayed because I was so adamant that it was the best choice for me and I shouldn't have anything to be sad about.
If he doesn't leave, then you are only still putting yourself through the rollercoaster of emotions. AND you might be tempted to contact him to see how things are going by getting your hopes up.
Take this time now to refocus on yourself and the things you want in your life. Pick up a new hobby to help fill the time that he used to take. I'm going NC with my MW next month and I'm going to start learning how to play guitar. I've already resumed my excersice regimen so that I have one outlet in place.
My heart goes out to you - 4 years - I'm so afraid that 4 years from now i'll find myself in the same place as I am now.
Yesterday I finally found the strengh and courage to tell my MM that it was over. The A had been going on for 4 years, I love him but I just can't continue living this lie. I proposed NC for a while and told him to really think what he wanted. That he needed to really decide; either work thing out with his W, or end it completely. That he could come back only with divorce papers in hand. When it was time to say goodbye I said, " I feel I will not see you in a long time". He responded... I will see you sooner than you think, I just have to finally work on those papers.
Will he ever be back? I felt he left leaving me with hope, I feel excited and hopeful that things will finally work. Do you think it was just another way to keep me waiting and not moving on? I need advice.
Yeah 4 years is a long affair. It must be really hard because you have developed such strong feelings for him. I don't really know your story but I have to say this (maybe it has already been said, I didn't read the other posts), do you really think him leaving his wife is going to be the answer?
I mean say he does end it with his wife, and comes back to you. Your relationship initiated with infidelity. He cheated on his wife and had a long term affair with you. What makes you think that he would not do that to you? Because he loves you? I'm sure he loved his wife at some point too. If he wasn't willing to work through the difficulties that come with marriage (and there are countless) with his first wife, why do you think he will be so willing to do that with you?
I just think you should think about what I have said here. Don't wait around for him to leave his wife/ not leave his wife. Do what is best for you and your well being.
Thanks guys. My mind knows what to do but my heart is very controlling. I will take a new approach in dealing with letting go. I must say it is the 1st time in these 4 years with him I make this type of decision. He was surprised and even stated he was proud of me.
As to A_99 my only advice is the longer your in the A, the harder it becomes to let go. There is someone out there always very quick to judge and say just let go, your just a fool, but only people like us can really understand how you can end up for years loving someone so much knowing he/she was never yours to begin with...
Your post struck me cause I am a MM in the exact same position that your MM is in right now. I have been in an EA for 6 years which turned into PA/EA for the last 4... About one week ago my OW and I went no contact permanently unless I am willing to make the decision for sure for her.
Being in this situation as long as I have I'll tell you this is the only way I can imagine focusing on myself (and my relationships) and what I want to do long enough to make a decision. NC has been tough and challenging as hell but I have convinced myself that it is the right thing... not much about these scenarios is right so that is a bit of a bright spot if one looks at it this way.
I'll tell you this for sure, don't contact him in any way shape or form. Any contact will shift his focus from actually making a decision back to the "oh well, I can have my cake and eat it too" mentality. And if he contacts you don't answer or acknowledge him... it only gives him hope and in my way of thinking distracts from the goal of actually doing something or making that decision.
I have given myself a "deadline" (fast approaching, btw) of sorts which my OW knows of and I think is comfortable with... I have also tried to focus in on myself and my issues before making the renewed committment either way. I am currently in therapy and working through these things as best I can.
I think with a four year relationship the odds are decent that you will see him back. One thing I have been thinking hard about and one you should also remember about a MM, or any M for that matter, is that decision for you is one in MY mind that constitutes marrying you... for that is what I want for my OW (ex-OW) and I. That is a serious committment regardless if one is currently "committed" to another or not. I think that is one reason why a MM who truly feels and wants a future with his OW seems to be "stringing her along"... heck, he might do the same thing if he wasn't married. Give him his space and let him sort things out... if it is meant to be and he loves and wants to be with you this NC period will be the best thing for him.
I think maybe we can discuss these things with each other in this thread over the course of the next weeks for support and thoughts... I know I need a little.
Sorry to burst all you OM/OW peoples bubble.... but your belief that a married person is going to leave their spouse to marry you is just pure FANTASY. Where is the honor and goodness in that? Do you think people who are married are proud to say they married a person they were cheating on their spouse with? Those married people who engage in this sort of activities are not quality people. Why would you even want to spend your life with them? It's not going to happen. Wake up and get smart. Respect yourself and stop hurting yourself!
Sorry to burst all you OM/OW peoples bubble.... but your belief that a married person is going to leave their spouse to marry you is just pure FANTASY. Where is the honor and goodness in that? Do you think people who are married are proud to say they married a person they were cheating on their spouse with? Those married people who engage in this sort of activities are not quality people. Why would you even want to spend your life with them? It's not going to happen. Wake up and get smart. Respect yourself and stop hurting yourself!
Funny, the whole world thinks Nelson Mandela is a "quality person". Except you.
One thing I have been thinking hard about and one you should also remember about a MM, or any M for that matter, is that decision for you is one in MY mind that constitutes marrying you... for that is what I want for my OW (ex-OW) and I. That is a serious committment regardless if one is currently "committed" to another or not. I think that is one reason why a MM who truly feels and wants a future with his OW seems to be "stringing her along"... heck, he might do the same thing if he wasn't married.
Tate, I think it's easy to underestimate the enormity of the decision for a MM. My MM left an abusive M, a situation which should have been a no-brainer, but even that was far from easy.
HOO, I don't want to be accused of offering "false hope", but I do want to point out that it does - sometimes - happen. Not always, but sometimes.
Tate....Thanks its actually good to hear your feelings as the MM, I will take your advise and follow the NC rule as much as I can. It's not easy goings from 5 to 8 calls a day to none, but like you said he needs time to sort his life out and I am willing to give it for the best which ever way it may go. I totally agree to continue on this thread for a while..thats why I am here for all the support I can receive and give as well.
jon01....Why are you so bitter in all your responses? I read some of your posts and they all seem full of anger. Maybe you should start your own thread instead of insulting those of us who know what we are doing and are here for advice & support.
jon01....Why are you so bitter in all your responses? I read some of your posts and they all seem full of anger. Maybe you should start your own thread instead of insulting those of us who know what we are doing and are here for advice & support.
I am not insulting you. I am trying to help you. I'm a little direct but maybe that's what you need to hear to break free of this pain you are in. And btw, if u knew what u were doing, you wouldn't have got involved with a married man in the first place.
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