Hi I am new to this post but as always I am searching for answers! I am a 23 yr old married woman with two kids (ages 3 yrs and almost 2 yrs). Hubby and I have been married for five yrs, hes the first man I ever made love to but certainly not the last. Part of my problem is I have never regretted cheating on him. Cheating itself doesnt bother me, the fact that it doesnt bother me, bothers me!! I met a man online a few months ago, hes a bit older (48 yrs old) divorced with two daughters (ages 15 and 12), we talked online for a while and were instantly connected, after a few phone conversations we decided to meet. We met in another state while I was visiting relatives one weekend, after dinner and drinks we ended up in his hotel. It was all great! We sheduled another meeting a month later, 2 hours into my trip he calls to tell me he has decided to not meet me! I was crushed! I asked why and if we could talk about it and all he had to say was that if he didn't care for me and respect me he would be there in a heartbeat! I love my husband but theres always been something lacking, I have never been truely happy with him, for one I can't ever be myself around him and that gets tiring! I am tired of bending over backwards to please ppl!Theres such a comfort level with this new guy and I could really see myself with him but I am confused to why he said that...obviously hes still around but we have decided no more phone calls and no more meetings just online chatting only! I think maybe he was afraid to get too close to me considering I am married and hes not one to ruin people's lives but at the same time I am already attached to him and finding it very hard to just be casual online chatters! I have tried forgetting him but I cant! Any advice or questions would be greatly apreciated!
The reason you're not happy with your H is "because I can never be myself around him" or something along those lines? Why not? What prevents that?
What have you done to try to improve the marriage situation? (Sleeping with other men doesn't count)
The fact that you don't care about the cheating is because you've not been caught yet (I'm guessing)...you've suffered no consequences, you've not "hurt anyone" (simply because they don't know yet)...you've gotten away with it, and the more often you get away with it, the easier it is for you to justify the next time.
Do you want to fix your marriage?
Or do you want to be with other men?
The two are mutually EXCLUSIVE...unless your H agrees to an open marriage or something along those lines. Even those RARELY work out the way people hope.
If you could make this situation work out anyway you wanted...what would it look like?
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
It WILL bother you when your husband finds out and you get to see his pain upclose. Experience the feeling of his diappointment, his lack of trust and respect for you.
You need to focus on your husband, try to reconnect again with him. Maybe your hormones are out of whack after having 2 children. But, getting involved with another man isn't going to make your life any easier. It will cause alot of drama and pain all around. And, from the sounds of it, this guy knows it and realizes that getting involved with a married woman is a big mistake.
I had a bad childhood growing up and when I started dating my husband (I was 16) I wanted nothing more than to get away from my hometown! I do love him but I also think had I gotten the opportunity to have gotten out and experienced life I would have made different decisions! The first two yrs of marriage he worked in another state, I saw him once a week, now that we have been moved to the state of his work we see each other more but its still very lonely! I try telling him about my lonliness but hes went as far as to laugh it off and tell me to get over it. He doesnt communicate with me well at all. Everything I say is analyzed to pieces but yet if I am quiet around him he tells me to loosen up! I have lost the real me and desperatly want her back! He notices nothing about me unless I point it out to him, which I am coming to realize alot of men are clueless in that sense! I just dont feel that I am as happy as I truely could be in the marriage that he and I share! My affairs have never been about sex, hubby and I have a great sex life which leads me to question if thats all we have going for us! The connection I share with the online guy is what I have been dreaming about, he can pick up my mood and know if somethings wrong without me even indicating anything is! I know the age difference is an issue and right now I am not even certain I know what I want, but I want to see where it could go with him! You are right about not getting caught, I havent yet and am sure I will someday, but I still dont think I would feel guilty! I am not a cold hearted person and I know I shouldnt be disrespecting my husband...I just need some advice on where I should take things with the other man!
As for this online man, why are you convinced that he is divorced and single? There are a LOT of guys on the internet who portray themselves as single and are trolling for multiple sex partners (cyber or IRL).
OP, take a deep breath. Look around. Hug your children. Listen to what the OM is telling you with his actions. He had more life experience than you do. He's telling you in both actions and words that he doesn't want to be involved with a married woman. Think about that. He would play second fiddle while you have great sex with your husband and give him all/most of your time, even if little else is satisfying. He's telling you that's not acceptable.
What keeps you in your marriage? Great sex? How was the sex with the OM? Just so you know, there are lots of people out there you can have great sex with. If you were single, you could experiment with that. Do you want to be single? Why?
The decisions you make and the actions you take today will have ramifications, both for yourself and others (I'm thinking about your children here) far down the road. Consider everything carefully. This is one time where your head has to rule your heart, trust me
As for this online man, why are you convinced that he is divorced and single? There are a LOT of guys on the internet who portray themselves as single and are trolling for multiple sex partners (cyber or IRL).
Have you googled him?
Yes I am convinced hes divorced and is currently single! And I am aware of the creeps on the internet! I do not need a lecture about the pervs on the net or about my number of affairs! The only one that currently matters is the one involved in my discussion, but I appreciate your input!
Like I said before its never been about sex with him or anyone else! No I don't want to be single, I have my two kids to worry about! I just feel all my life I have put everyone else first and now is my time to make me happy for a change! On the other hand I know I wont be happy in the end by hurting other people along the way!
I guess in a sense I am doing nothing but voice how I feel to my husband! I feel he should either take it and make changes to make it better or either he can ignore it like he has done for over 3 yrs now! He's a very jealous man, which pushes me away instead of bringing me closer! We can be arguing and put on a happy front when anyone is around and thats not good! I keep things bottled up all the time cause hes so hard to communicate with! You basically have to draw him a picture and he still doesnt get it, by that time I am just in the mind set its just not worth stressing about anymore and tell him never mind! I cant make him listen to me if he doesnt want to!
Why does being single cause you to worry about your children?
I think Owl has a good point in asking what you want here. This is why I suggested the deep breath. I sense your head swirling with thoughts and emotions, like a maelstrom. Trust me, I've been there
You can make yourself happy right where you are, right now. Happiness is contained within you, not doled out by others. Your job is to find it and embrace it. My instinct is you believe others should make you happy, since you have been "putting everyone first". I can empathize. I did this for many years. I'm a bit older than your OM. It's taken a long time to adjust that fundamental psychological tendency. Doing so has lessened my resentment and anxiety greatly. Put yourself first and share your happiness with others freely. Communicate your reasonable needs and expect them to be considered and met. If they're not, decide whether it's better to stay or go. Do it for yourself
If the marriage isn't what you want it to be...you can't simply complain about it and expect it to change. You can't expect your husband to unilaterally figure out what's wrong, and make changes to fix it all on his own.
You can't rely on ANYONE...to include your husband...to provide YOUR happiness.
If you want something to change...you make changes.
You're not happy with your marriage. Have you identified SPECIFIC areas that you'd like to see your husband improve? Have you asked him for specific areas that he'd like to see you improve? Have you discussed marriage counseling and outside help? Have you done any kind of research to help figure out what changes you'd like to make?
See a trend here?
If YOU want something to improve...then YOU need to work to improve it.
If your husband refuses to help or to make changes...then consider what boundaries there are in your marriage...what are you willing to accept from him in this? As importantly, what are you willing to do about things if they don't change?
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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