Hi all. I got myself into a mess, and I thought you all might be able to offer some perspective. I apologize in advance for the length.
Backtrack to April. I'm a professional female & had just broken up with a boyfriend. I was out one night when I received a call from a male co-worker. I had known him for years and had a great banter with him - but he was married. I had never seen him out socially before. He was out with a friend and wanted to know where I was - so I told him & his friend to meet us out. I end up getting drunk, need a ride home, and BAM - we have sex. I feel bad about it the next day. Fortunately, while we work together, we don't see each other THAT regularly, so I decide not to contact him and let the whole thing blow over.
Two days later, he calls me. I am having automobile problems the precise moment he calls, so he comes to assist me. We start talking. He tells me he & his wife are separating and tells me all about their problems (I have never met her - important to point out) - and the problems include her occasional flings on the side. He gives me the standard "we're staying together for the kids," "she feels the same way," etc. I'm skeptical. But we begin to talk regularly. He calls me every day. He comes out with a group of friends a little later, and we end up alone together again. We kiss, but I tell him I'm not going to be an OW and to get his s**t straight at home or get out of there.
The next day, he tells me that they have come up with a separation plan. They had just filed for bankruptcy and worked opposite work schedules, so they were going to remain in the same residence but different parts. I am again skeptical. He says he wants to take me out that Friday. For some (stupid) reason, I say fine. We round up a few other co-workers to meet us there.
We go out - he is OVERLY affectionate with me in front of everyone. He tells everyone he & his wife are separating. I start to think it's true - why else would he tell everyone? (Can you tell where this is going?). Over the course of the next few weeks, we start essentially a dating relationship - going out very publicly to dinners, lunches, ice cream, casual afternoons together - and frequently run into numerous people we know. He tells them all they're separated. I go to his softball games. They all believe he's separated and congratulate him for seeming so much happier. He introduces me to his best friend (who had also friends with his wife but had recently had a falling out). He tells her and her college-aged children (who he & his wife had essentially helped raise) in front of me that they've separated. He brings his sister to my place to meet me. Introduces his (young) kids to me. This goes on for approximately 2-3 months.
Well - guess what. I got the call from his wife about 10 days ago wanting to know whether I was seeing her husband. I tell her yes, that I thought she knew that since they were separated. Well, they weren't separated. She is so upset the first night that she ends up getting off the phone and - the first night - giving my phone number to basically her entire extended family. They all call, and I agree to talk to all of them. Then she calls me herself again to get details. He initially DENIES EVERYTHING to his wife and tells her that I'm lying because I wanted something out of it & he rebuffed me. I say to her, "I'm not going to lie to you" and answer all of her nitty-gritty questions - Truthfullly. This goes on for a few days - as I begin to answer more & she confronts him with it, he fesses up to more (although he's still lying about parts). She asks me to promise not to talk to him or try to contact him again - I agree to it, and I've abided by that since this happened. He apparently promises her the same & hasn't contacted me directly - although he did send me a message through a COMPLETLEY unrelated third party yesterday. Now, she wants to meet me to give me back a few of the personal items of mine that he had (and I think gratify some need of her own, which I admittedly understand).
Clearly I feel horrible, scummy, every possible name in the book. I should've never slept with him that first night - I at least knew he was married then - nor should I have gotten myself into the mess to begin with, and I certainly shouldn't have believed him (although hopefully someone can see why I did given how public he was about it!).
Here is my question. My friends - who knew him & knew what was going on - think I should've stopped talking to her outright. They tell me I don't want to get dragged into this any further. My response to this is that I'm already in it and don't want to lie to her to complicate matters further. She knows who I am if it ends up coming up later anyway. She has to decide now what to do, and he's lying to her. She needs information to make her decision, and he is continuing to lie to her about some things.
Is that an off-the-wall perspective? Should I stop talking to her entirely? Is that just going to make matters worse? Should I not meet her? Any advice here is welcome.
BTW - No worries on the no contact. I have a million questions for him that I'd LOVE to know the answer to, and I have a lot of hurt. But my actions screwed up enough here - I'm not going to break that promise to her.
You've given her enough information already. The rest is between her and her husband. There's no need for you to stay in it by talking to her. She knows that her husband lied to her and cheated on her.
This is his fault, not yours. Meeting her is not atonement. You need to heal and staying in their mess is not going to help you at all.
Location: Straight North - sharp left turn at Happenstance
Posts: 1,567
I, on the other hand, think you should go ahead and see her - but only once - you don't need to stay in the mess, but one meeting shouldn't stop your progress. I will freely admit here that I'm coming at this from the BS's angle, though.
Since the two of you have been fairly amiable (from the sound of things) and since you have every intention of honoring her request to no longer contact the guy - I think it's possible that talking to each other may give both of you something you need.
It will almost undoubtedly give the BS something she needs - which is to see you.
Sounds like you got yourself into a messy situation, but it also sounds like you are coming out of it very well. Good luck to your future.
__________________
Happiness is contagious.
Last edited by silktricks; 15th July 2008 at 12:32 PM.
Ouch! What a nasty situation to be in! However, I find it admirable that you immediately did the right thing here. As for talking to the BS, you've already done so, and for all the right reasons. You didn't do it out of spite, you did it out of contrition and as an attempt to make right your part of the situation. If you feel the BS needs more from you, why not give it to her? The reasons you did so initially still exist. Wouldn't you want the same in return if the situation were reversed? If you were trying to decide whether to remain married to a man who cheated on you, wouldn't you want to be fully informed so you could make the right decision for you?
__________________ You can agonize until your agony is your heaviest load ~ Indigo Girls
The message I received through the third party (who hadn't known anything was going on) was "Tell her I'm very sorry from the bottom of my heart." Ironically, the person he chose to use as a messenger can't stand him. She did tell me, however, that - as much as she hates him - she thought he was being sincere about whatever it was since he teared up. Not much for closure on my end, but it was something.
Thanks for the advice so far & I look forward to any additional responses! I definitely got myself into a mess, but I'm looking to do what I can to repair or at least prevent further damage the best I can.
If you feel that meeting the BS will make it easier for you to move on, then go ahead. After that, go NC with her and keep both of them out of your life.
__________________
Accept the past as past, without denying it or discarding it - Morrie Schwartz
Go ahead and meet her. She will understand that it wasn't your intention to hurt her, and this meeting will help her cope(and hopefully you too). Be careful to make your boundaries clear though, she may continue to call and make sure he has left you alone. Be clear with her that you are leaving this mess alone after this. As for your friends saying you shouldn't have talked to her, I don't even get that mentality. You have done the right thing in the way you have handled this situation.
I have to agree with the other posters. You have already tried to do the right thing when you realized your mistake. You've done a lot in way of giving her closure and abiding her wishes. If you feel it will be good to do the one meeting, that's understandable, but make it the last.
It's not like she won't understand. Just tell her outright "Look, I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I wish I'd had no part in it and I've tried to handle it the best I can. However, I don't like being reminded of what happened. I plan to step out of this completely. I will keep my promise and not contact him, but I would like to do the same with you."
You've paid your dues and from here out, you are just prolonging something that does nothing but cause everyone involved pain. Just step out and move on with your life. Lesson learned.
She's going to judge you and decide if physically you were acceptable for her H to cheat on her with.
Do you want to subject yourself to this?
As long as you meet with her and answer her phone calls and questions, you are still part of the triangle.
Get out of the triangle. You are the only one looking out for your best interest here.
GEL
I think you should call her and tell her that she can do whatever she feels is necessary with those items and not meet with her, unless you just want to to get it over with.
You spoke with her and almost all of her extended family? Wow. You have done above and beyond what is expected or hoped for. So I say you are done, and I'm an ex-BW.
I quoted what GEL said because it is SO true. I just HAD to see what the co-worker looked like that my H had the EA with. Part of me decided to stay because she was cute and at least he had ENOUGH SENSE to have an EA with a pretty woman. LOL. <she was a model>
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Part of me decided to stay because she was cute and at least he had ENOUGH SENSE to have an EA with a pretty woman. LOL. <she was a model>
It's not a competition (despite what Peli thinks ) but I think that aspect is there. What really crushed a BW colleague was not so much that her H cheated - she put that down to MLC - but that he chose a dog to do it with. She was in tears in my office, once she'd seen the woman... "Is THAT what he betrayed me for? He thinks THAT is better than me?" She was devastated. (She, the BW, is really pretty, although her self-confidence has always been low so she doesn't recognise that.) And another male colleague got dumped by his BW after he mercy-fcked some realy fugly woman because she (BW) refused to be uglified by association. (BW is since remarried to an OK-ish guy - he just hasn't aged well, but he's sweet enough; colleague is remarried to a real hottie who's at the top of her game professionally, as is he now and I think his xW is a bit sorry she dumped him.)
sorry for the t/j
I do agree with GEL though - don't enslave yourself through remorse. Make your peace with your conscience and move on. The issue that needs resolution here is between the BW and the CH - you're an accessory to that, and will become a weapon in the process unless you extricate yourself.
Her motiviations for talking with you might be a little different than everyone's posted so far.
She might feel that YOU've been "betrayed" by him too, in a way.
He lied to you to get what he wanted from you. He lied to her to get what he wanted.
She might see you less as the enemy, and more as a fellow victim of HIM.
ESPECIALLY given how reasonable, open, honest, and up front you've played with her.
I'm not telling you that you need to meet with her...I'm not telling you that you shouldn't.
That's more up to you to decide. I'm just suggesting that you give her motives a thought, and do some thinking about where her request might be coming from.
She MIGHT be jealous/angry/vengeful against you. She MIGHT simply want to meet to get an even better understanding of the situation.
What matters most at this point isn't that meeting, but more about how YOU are going to deal with the situation. Its really up to YOU what you want to do going forward.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
Thanks everyone for your responses... I am not meeting her at this point because we can't arrange a mutual time. I also am trying to sever contact since I need to get on from this too! I don't exactly think her motivations are clean for wanting to meet me - she's already said she wants to see what I look like. I gave her a "neutral" address to mail the belongings if she wanted to.
Here's the one last thing I'm wondering though. Based on the things she continues to say to me, he's obviously still lying to her. She's making the decision to stay with him and try to work it out though, since they're moving to another city in a few months. Given that, should I bother to tell her that:
-He "contacted" me through the third party even though he promised her he wouldn't?
-He continues to stalk me on social networking sites? (which she doesn't even know he has?)
Annd.. here's the biggie:
-When he learned about his transfer to another city back in May, a position became available for me in my line of work in the same city. He encouraged me to apply for it since I was looking for a new position anyway- and I did. I got an interview, and I loved it when I went there. I'm actually still waiting to hear about whether I got it or not. However, he's telling her things now (or at least she's saying) that "He told me he told you he was leaving but he never had any intentions of it... he was excited about us moving to this other city..." (both their families are from that city) and so on.
Tell her that you've given her all the info you've got, and that you want to "move on" from this mistake yourself...and...make her one promise...that you'll never get involved with her H again. (I believe you're already there...the one thing that she's most likely going to want to hear from you is that you're no longer going to be involved in ANY fashion). Tell her that her H has tried to contact you, explain how, and ask her to ensure that he gets the message that he's no longer welcome in your life in any fashion.
The next time he attempts to contact you in ANY fashion other than work...tell him that you will NOT accept any form of communication from him concerning ANYTHING but business, and that if he contacts you again you're going to take it to HR. And MEAN IT.
You might reconsider taking that job if you really want to get out of this whole situation.
Just my suggestions...setting clear boundaries with EVERYONE is the best way to get clear of this mess.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
) but I think that aspect is there. What really crushed a BW colleague was not so much that her H cheated - she put that down to MLC - but that he chose a dog to do it with. She was in tears in my office, once she'd seen the woman... "Is THAT what he betrayed me for? He thinks THAT is better than me?" She was devastated. (She, the BW, is really pretty, although her self-confidence has always been low so she doesn't recognise that.) And another male colleague got dumped by his BW after he mercy-fcked some realy fugly woman because she (BW) refused to be uglified by association. (BW is since remarried to an OK-ish guy - he just hasn't aged well, but he's sweet enough; colleague is remarried to a real hottie who's at the top of her game professionally, as is he now and I think his xW is a bit sorry she dumped him.) 
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