I feel crazy posting this but I need to ask someone. I'm thinking about attempting an LDR. Let me start by saying that I am generally a practical person and I need advice very much.
I met someone that I only spent a few days with because he was on holiday here in the states. At the time I really just considered it fun to spend sometime with someone but by the last day I was realizing that we did have a lot in common and I liked him a bit. Still, I wrote it off and decided that I might go visit someday and chat with him occasionally. That's not at all what is happening and I'm not sure how to handle it.
We have chatted every day, exchanged calls and texts, talked about long visits and assorted other more serious things for weeks. At first it was in an less than serious manner, almost facetious but that has somehow changed. I don't want to admit it but I'm starting to get attached. He teases me about it but I think he is as well. He has said as much but I don't entertain it because I just don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't get involved with someone so far away but I really like him a lot. I rarely meet anyone that interests me so quickly and keeps my attention. The progression has happened very easily so I can't help but wish proximity was not an issue.
I've considered all the reasons aside from him that might be contributing. I worried that I might want to get involved with someone unavailable as a rebound to keep myself available for my ex. Nope, not the case. I know I'm over the ex and I want something new. The LD one is much more my cup of tea. Also, I was attempting to date until I met him. Now I am not even interested in meeting anyone. I haven't met someone this obviously compatible with me in almost a decade. That hasn't ever happened so quickly.
I've also considered that I might be enamored with the idea of someone culturally different but I don't think that is it as we do have similar taste, ideas and apparently lifestyles. I definitely like him (so far) not the idea of him.
I've considered that the "adventure" has made him seem more appealing and I haven't ruled that out. Actually I sort of like the idea. The events surrounding our meeting were serendipitous to an almost comedic level.
At this point I am not knee deep. I've only got my feet wet and I am sure he is concerned with what to make of it as well. We've both said we will visit but I have told him that I would understand if he was meeting women. He replied half jokingly that he would prefer that I didn't want him to do that but it seems unreasonable to try to have an exclusive relationship with someone so far so quickly.
Today he was teasing that we should stop chatting and that he was sorry for leading me on. It really was teasing because the context was silly but I actually was upset for a minute because I thought about the possibility that one or both of us might really be better off letting it go before it became too difficult.
I don't know what to do. I'm not agonizing but I do need some advice. I like to date and go out and he is very social too. It seems so impossible but it has also been very very nice so far. It seems crazy to want to try this but I do. He and I agree that nothing is impossible but I'd like to know what I am getting into. Right now it is little more than a really big consummated crush and I can get out easily with little hurt and still keep contact with him. Any advice or help? Let go now or go for it? What do the LDR veterans think?
I'd like to collect thoughts and opinions before I approach anything more serious with him. I must be mad. Really. What am I doing?
__________________
"I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and things seemed to be getting so ****ty. And he'd say, "that's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too." That's the way romance is... Usually, that's the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too."
1. Are you thinking of having a serious, mutually exclusive relationship?
2. How far away is he?
3. How important is physical contact for you?
Generally, if you feel good, go with it. LDR's are difficult, but the chances of survival are not less than any other type of romantic affair. Most don't make it in the end, some do.
Where is he? What is the honest likelihood that you will see eachother again this year?
London, and I will plan to visit as soon as I can afford to go. It shouldn't be more than four months. I don't know how serious he is about coming back here right away but he says he will. I really would like to go sooner but I'm paying off school debt and moving out of my place this week. I really couldn't have met him at a worse time for me to travel.
1. Are you thinking of having a serious, mutually exclusive relationship?
2. How far away is he?
3. How important is physical contact for you?
Generally, if you feel good, go with it. LDR's are difficult, but the chances of survival are not less than any other type of romantic affair. Most don't make it in the end, some do.
NY to London give or take some so approximately 3,500 miles. I would consider an exclusive relationship although I don't know how practical that is. I don't know how I feel about asking someone to be exclusive when I cannot be there. It seems unfair and yet I really don't want to risk that he will meet someone and get involved before I/he can visit. I wouldn't be jealous I just would lose my own opportunity. Is it too much of a risk to try to remain open until we can see each other again and test the water? I really like physical contact but I have never tried long periods without it. I'm doing just fine so far! I can be creative . I think with regular contact in other ways and the possibility of an end/visit date I could do it.
Really LDR's aren't less succesful than any other type? WOW. I'm amazed.
Last edited by LikeCharlotte; 21st June 2008 at 5:11 AM.
Reason: Locations... oops
I know I shouldn't get involved with someone so far away but I really like him a lot. I rarely meet anyone that interests me so quickly and keeps my attention. The progression has happened very easily so I can't help but wish proximity was not an issue.
I'd like to collect thoughts and opinions before I approach anything more serious with him. I must be mad. Really. What am I doing?
I can't help but chuckle at these statements above, as it's exactly what I did when I was going through the beginnings of my situation.
I am a poster here with one of the furthest LDRs distance-wise (midwestern US-southern Australia, nearly ten thousand miles apart). I'd like to offer my tips on how we handle things, though our situation is a bit, uh...unique. Your mileage may vary.
Exclusivity and trust: This was one of the most difficult issues we've had to deal with during the course of our relationship so far. We have had a great deal of difficulty trusting each other in the past because of previous hurts inflicted by other partners, so we had to learn how to get over that and realize that we are unique to each other - know what I mean? You need to bring as little "emotional baggage" to the relationship as you can, because if you're fighting off other peoples' "ghosts", it's doomed to failure. He and I had to learn that the hard way.
As far as exclusivity goes - we both realize that the distance (three times the amount of yours in this case) makes exclusivity nearly impossible, though we try our best. Luckily neither of us are into the 'casual sex' thing, so it's a little easier for us to handle this than most. We've more or less agreed that if the other meets someone in our country that we feel emotionally and physically compatible with, we'll have a long talk about it and decide what to do from there. No action would be taken until we sit down and have "the talk", so to speak. This may seem an unorthodox way to handle things - and it is - but really, because of the distance, it's the only way we feel comfortable with. We've been together a little over 2 years, so it must work for us.
The two of us are not social (by choice, that's just our personalities), so I don't know how you and he would handle it.
Contact and how much: The two of have a little 'rule', if you will - we don't have to go hours on the phone or on Skype (although we still do, even after all this time!), but just "check in" every day, even if it's just for one or two minutes, and make sure that the other is all right, that we reaffirm our connection, if you will. It keeps the worry at bay, it reassures both of us that the love is still there, and it allows us both to do what we have to do without the spectre of "oh, God, I haven't heard from them, do we still love each other" hanging over our heads.
We're really in a very good time period, with the advent of cell phones and Skype and IM programs. Even 20 years ago, none of this would have been possible. I would never have met my significant, and that would have truly been a crying shame, as he's the one person that fits me perfectly, be it physically, emotionally, spiritually, personality-wise, etc. I don't believe in the "soulmate" concept, to me that's utter crap... but I like to refer to him as "my other half", so to speak.
Whoa, was this lengthy or what, lol. Anyhow, feel free to ask any other questions that you might want. I've been in my sitch for a bit over 2 years, I'm off to see him in 4 weeks. Can't wait for it, either, it's been a long time.
Last edited by NeverLetMeDownAgain; 21st June 2008 at 8:14 AM.
Reason: Fixing tags - damn that HTML. :D
I can't help but chuckle at these statements above, as it's exactly what I did when I was going through the beginnings of my situation.
I can't imagine not feeling this way but it's reassuring to know that someone else has had the same reaction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeverLetMeDownAgain
Exclusivity and trust: This was one of the most difficult issues we've had to deal with during the course of our relationship so far. We have had a great deal of difficulty trusting each other in the past because of previous hurts inflicted by other partners, so we had to learn how to get over that and realize that we are unique to each other - know what I mean? You need to bring as little "emotional baggage" to the relationship as you can, because if you're fighting off other peoples' "ghosts", it's doomed to failure. He and I had to learn that the hard way.
As far as exclusivity goes - we both realize that the distance (three times the amount of yours in this case) makes exclusivity nearly impossible, though we try our best. Luckily neither of us are into the 'casual sex' thing, so it's a little easier for us to handle this than most. We've more or less agreed that if the other meets someone in our country that we feel emotionally and physically compatible with, we'll have a long talk about it and decide what to do from there. No action would be taken until we sit down and have "the talk", so to speak. This may seem an unorthodox way to handle things - and it is - but really, because of the distance, it's the only way we feel comfortable with. We've been together a little over 2 years, so it must work for us.
The two of us are not social (by choice, that's just our personalities), so I don't know how you and he would handle it.
I know that I am not bringing any "ghosts" but I can't be sure about him. I'm pretty confident that he isn't because he certainly doesn't hold anything back. As for exclusivity I think I am going to have to default to his feelings on it because I lean toward nonexclusive simply because I would feel much too guilty keeping him from meeting someone. I might feel differently after another visit. I'm sort of afraid to tell him that because he might think it is because I want the freedom to have sex with other people. Simply telling someone that it really is more about not trapping them after knowing them so short a time seems like a lie. If I heard it i wouldn't know what to think. It is true. It's not generally my character to say that I will go without sex but I really could not care less about a (local) sexual relationship right now. I'm not looking for someone now so it's unlikely that I will suddenly find myself attracted to someone - still I wasn't looking for him. He just sort of appeared then disapeared.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeverLetMeDownAgain
Contact and how much: The two of have a little 'rule', if you will - we don't have to go hours on the phone or on Skype (although we still do, even after all this time!), but just "check in" every day, even if it's just for one or two minutes, and make sure that the other is all right, that we reaffirm our connection, if you will. It keeps the worry at bay, it reassures both of us that the love is still there, and it allows us both to do what we have to do without the spectre of "oh, God, I haven't heard from them, do we still love each other" hanging over our heads.
I already know where he is most of the time and when we will be able to chat or talk and vice versa. The only difference between this and a local relationship so far is that the plans don't include seeing him regularly and physical contact. For right now I'm not worried because we aren't too invested but I can see myself becoming impatient if all goes well after another visit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeverLetMeDownAgain
We're really in a very good time period, with the advent of cell phones and Skype and IM programs. Even 20 years ago, none of this would have been possible. I would never have met my significant, and that would have truly been a crying shame, as he's the one person that fits me perfectly, be it physically, emotionally, spiritually, personality-wise, etc. I don't believe in the "soulmate" concept, to me that's utter crap... but I like to refer to him as "my other half", so to speak.
I don't believe in "soulmate" either. Destiny is what you make of your life. I think I have a good deal of control over where I am going and what path I chose. I agree with times being good for an LDR but I really hope that modern IT is not just enabling me to do something foolish. I'm going to give it a shot and see how it goes when we see each other again. In the meantime I will just wait and try not to be too heartbroken if he meets a nice girl.
More questions:
Do you plan to move closer to one another after 2 years?
How do you explain it to friends and family?
Is it strange to not be able to get live-in comfortable with your SO?
How often do you get to see one another on average?
Do you think your age or lifestyle affects your perspective and ability to maintain the relationship?
Have I completely lost my mind? hehe
Thanks so much! I'm still thinking about it but I'm making progress.
So it is summertime and I went to visit some friends that were having a party. I actually took my laptop with me because I wanted to be sure to talk to him. My friends teased me a bit but I don't mind. What bothered me was that there were several very nice guys talking to me and although I have no interest in them I realized that if I really were to embark on an LDR I wouldn't have the presence of a bf to dissuade flirtation from others.
I wouldn't take the laptop to parties, although it is a nice idea. Don't be dependent on a computer.
A boyfriend cannot be with you 24/7, so even in normal relationships, there will always be situations where people will want to flirt with you.
I wish you good luck, charlotte. You deserve to be happy.
I wouldn't normally do that but I have a busy week and I'm pretty sure I won't have time for at least 3 days or so because I am moving. I just wanted to let him know because I hadn't and say hello.
As for the 24/7 bit... I know that, certainly. I tend to be really independent in relationships. I just think that guys seeing a bf every so often does do a little to keep the flirtation at bay. I guess I'll have to navigate thse situation more often.
Thanks NM. Most people deserve happiness... maybe this time for me? Maybe next time. Its ok however it happens as long as it does.
I've had two LDRs, and neither ended well. I've sworn them off, in fact.
The main problem, IMO, is that you can only get to know someone so well when you don't have day-to-day contact. The entire relationship has an air of fantasy/vacation to it because the few times you do get to see each other in the flesh, you are very disinclined to discuss anything serious/heavy/controversial because you want that time to be special and happy. In my case it made it very hard to create a 'normal' relationship or to move past the honeymoon stage. It also masked some very very big incompatibilities. Notably, my first LDR was with someone I had been friends with for several years: theoretically we already knew each other very well before dating, but there were still really really important things about him I couldn't discern, understand, or uncover because I was 500 miles away and couldn't observe him in everyday life from a 'dating partner' perspective.
In my second LDR I also had the problem of having chosen to date someone who I think never wanted a real relationship: as soon as I moved to his city, he got distant and dumped me a couple of months later. And this came on the heels of me being completely sure this was the man I wanted to marry, that we had wild compatibility, chemistry, and shared values. Clearly we didn't; I think I filled in a lot of holes with what I wanted to be there.
Okay, so all that being said? I will personally not do an LDR again. Of course there are success stories, but I do suspect they are statistically more rare than success stories in regular relationships.
My $0.02. Best of luck, LC, whatever you decide to do!!
Do you plan to move closer to one another after 2 years?
How do you explain it to friends and family?
Is it strange to not be able to get live-in comfortable with your SO?
How often do you get to see one another on average?
Do you think your age or lifestyle affects your perspective and ability to maintain the relationship?
Have I completely lost my mind? hehe
I'm more than happy to answer any questions you have.
1.) We're in talks about it, although because of the huge distance, it's obviously going to take quite a few years. We do have a 'place' in mind, however, and plans, though maybe not so 'concrete' or set in stone as of yet.
2.) Most of my friends know about it in a behind-the-hand-way, because of how we met in the first place, but it's not talked about much. Neither of us are very demonstrative as far as flying banners from a plane or anything, lol. They just sort of know that where they'll see me, he's not far behind, or vice versa. I don't have much family left - one not-so-close relative - so the family portion doesn't apply to me. His family knows, again in that behind-the-hand-way.
3.) That's truly a yet-to-be-seen challenge, as I really don't know how we'd be together on any kind of a "live-in" basis. It's just been quick one or two week visits here and there for the past 2 years. I think, judging from those visits, that we'd be more than fine together, but that's unknown. I pretty much know how he'll react in a given situation (though I really try my best not to assume, the 'taking for granted' thing is dangerous whether in an LDR or not!), and we think alike, so that part isn't strange. If that makes sense.
4.) Not very much, but again, because of the distance. If it were a matter of New York to LA or at least on the same continent, it would be a lot more, like once a month or more. But there's an 11 hour difference between us - nearly halfway round the world. We have to make do with the few times we can see each other, and cherish it until the next time. At 3500 miles, that's the equivalent of New York to LA, almost - just a little more.
5.) Yes. No question of that. We're both older, in our 30s, I've been married once (disastrously), he's still single and hasn't had a lot of social contacts due to a disorder he has. Neither of us are socially inclined (him for the reason stated) - most of the time when we're actually together we tend to cuddle up and talk or watch movies (we're both movie buffs!), cook together, if we do go out we people-watch, shop for DVDs, things like that. I know, it sounds boring as hell to most people but I adore doing things like that with him. He's not used to people actually listening to him or wanting his opinions on things, so he loves talking to me about stuff... and I love to listen.
Oh, boy, I'm going lovestruck here, let me rein myself back in, sorry.
6.) If you've lost your mind, so have I, lol!
Honestly, from the way your posts sound, I'm not too sure that you're in this for the long haul, if you will. I think the better course would be to simply treat this as a very close friendship - sort of like how my own began - and if things develop, take it slowly and ... well, just ride with it, you know what I mean?
Edited to add: I want to emphasize that we're both in awareness that all of this could simply not come to fruition. We're holding our options open for people that we may come into contact with in our own countries that just may work out 'better' for us. But with the way that we both are (not social, not interested in meeting people much, we both tend to have a very dark view of human nature in itself), we're also aware that it's not likely it'll happen, either.
I find that our relationship is sometimes very difficult to explain to other people, simply because that's the question we both get a lot - "How can you be sure? How do you know either of you is telling the truth, etc., etc." Somehow... I don't know, but somehow we just both have the incredible ability to be able to tell when the other is lying. I don't know if it's in the tone of voice or what's said, something, but neither of us have ever been able to hide feelings or thoughts from one another - we both get caught, every time. It's weird. Our whole relationship is weird!
Last edited by NeverLetMeDownAgain; 22nd June 2008 at 12:50 PM.
Reason: Edit of an edit, I meant to hit the 'edit' button and not quote. I am SO not awake.
I've had two LDRs, and neither ended well. I've sworn them off, in fact.
The main problem, IMO, is that you can only get to know someone so well when you don't have day-to-day contact. The entire relationship has an air of fantasy/vacation to it because the few times you do get to see each other in the flesh, you are very disinclined to discuss anything serious/heavy/controversial because you want that time to be special and happy. In my case it made it very hard to create a 'normal' relationship or to move past the honeymoon stage. It also masked some very very big incompatibilities. Notably, my first LDR was with someone I had been friends with for several years: theoretically we already knew each other very well before dating, but there were still really really important things about him I couldn't discern, understand, or uncover because I was 500 miles away and couldn't observe him in everyday life from a 'dating partner' perspective.
In my second LDR I also had the problem of having chosen to date someone who I think never wanted a real relationship: as soon as I moved to his city, he got distant and dumped me a couple of months later. And this came on the heels of me being completely sure this was the man I wanted to marry, that we had wild compatibility, chemistry, and shared values. Clearly we didn't; I think I filled in a lot of holes with what I wanted to be there.
Okay, so all that being said? I will personally not do an LDR again. Of course there are success stories, but I do suspect they are statistically more rare than success stories in regular relationships.
My $0.02. Best of luck, LC, whatever you decide to do!!
These are precisely my fears but I'd be getting a bit ahead of myself to worry about that now. I'm giving it a casual shot. I'll cross the next bridge when I come to it. If for some reason I fall in love (rarely happens to me) then I'll move to England to see how it goes if I have to. For now, its keeping a smile on my face in a rough time and hes sweet, funny, talkative, interesting, engaging and we have explosive chemistry. Why not? No really, why not?
Honestly, from the way your posts sound, I'm not too sure that you're in this for the long haul, if you will. I think the better course would be to simply treat this as a very close friendship - sort of like how my own began - and if things develop, take it slowly and ... well, just ride with it, you know what I mean?
Thank you very much for your story. You are practical and encouraging. My biggest fear is not ever being able to progress logically because of the distance but it hasn't stopped the progression thus far and the point at which it will really matter is father down the road so I have some time to figure it out. I will ride with it for now because I am enjoying it and right now I have little else to really make me happy.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
. I think with regular contact in other ways and the possibility of an end/visit date I could do it.
You deserve to be happy.
Linear Mode
