[hummingbird]

hi
have scoped this community site out and think most of y'all are pretty cool!
I really could use some input-HELP.
PLEASE --I DO NOT NEED harsh, cynical comments, so folks PLEASE -if it isn't really constructive or thoughtful, don't comment--thank you.

and yes, its about porn.--there I said it

been with my guy for 8 yrs. we are in long term R. We don't live together. We live an hour apart.(for reasons too long ..this is how it is for us) I have kids that are almost out of the house but not yet.

Anyway, I am in my 40s. I consider myself in shape. Slender, eat right and exercise and smile alot. I am told I look younger than my age. He is 6 years younger than me. Never married. No kids. I divorced a long while ago and he has been my life partner since.

WE have a good R., Yes we went thru tough times. He cheated once that i know of and we had worked to recuperate and make our R better after that and it has been good since.

Now, yes, he used porn years ago and I tolerated it, didn't like it.
Then he tried us both watching.... again I tolerated it, didn't like it but went along with him i(it did nothing for me at all) turned me off actually.

I am totally into him- I mean totally. I love him and he is my muse.
I don't get into other dudes, fantasy or real. For me, he is hot !! gorgeous, beautiful body, great face, smile. the whole package is good and he is very very attractive to me.

After he cheated on me, the porn became a huge turn off and I always felt it is a type of indiscretion toward one's SO to look at porn. It became more so after the cheating. The thought of him getting turned on by other women is very hurtful to me. Can we talk about it?, we did sort of... not much there from him about talking about porn. I wrote him a long letter once and at that point he stopped having us watch together but never himself stopped. so I just stifle and keep on trying to understand it.

He in the years tho, has reduced his porn use ALOT!!!!
he didn't buy any new stuff and doesn't internet... I know that for certain. No computer at his house.!! It was always the same videos.

When we weren't together for 2 months he converted our love making videos into dvd.... his words; "over 20hrs of raw, hard, over the top, juicy sex." We have videoed ourselves and he has watched those.
Am I a prude, NO..
am i committed --YES .. love him YES..
do I love sex ? hell yeah
and we have lots of it when we are with each other once-twice a week. LOTS and LOTS..
exhausting love making sessions that leave us breathless and tired but always ready for more.
Do we do all sorts of things..yes, oral , anal, positions, mirrors, toys, differnet places, etc etc etc. and yes I enjoy it all and then some.
I am what he calls "the worlds best lay"(he is sweet to me that way).... with him, I am totally in love and love our intimacy--physical and emotional.
I always have multiple orgasms (10+- more) don't count but it is ALOT and I am a gusher with most of them... and yes, he enjoys the oral aspects of that as well (without getting into detail).
Basically there is no lack of good raw sex/lovin between us.
The thing is I am in my 40s and have had kids, (no stretch marks) and have stayed in shape..petite and slender. boobs are a B-C and he loves my arse.
The self conscious thing about me is that I am a woman with large inner labia. Yes, my pu$$y lips are "wrap around his c*kk "type. He never ever seemed to mind, enjoyed and enjoys oral and never ever seemed to care even tho I made issue of how ugly I think I look down there. (it never stops the great sex tho)

sooo, with all this information, I can't for the life of me understand why he would go buy two new porn videos.... nothing wild or gross. doggy style and regular stuff. I think what we have in our videos probably outdoes any of this stuff.
So, I am left with the only thing I can think of:
he wants to look at other younger girls (they could be his younger sis or daughter) and their younger and prettier pu$$y
and/or.. he just isn't satisfied with me after everything we already share and have with each other.
HOw can this feel ok to any woman?, it doesn't for me...
I can't be 25 again, and I can't change my pu$$y ( well I can, but won't have surgery for that) I actually think my bigger lips give me more sensations and allow for my orgasms to be so mega-multiple and over the top.
I felt so bad to see those videos.. it actually made my heart sink to think that I try my best in all areas of our R to keep things good, happy, alive, fun, sexy. I tell him always how much I love him and also tell him how much I love his body, etc. I tell him how big he is and how much I love the ways we have sex.
I mean, really, beside a third party, we really do have awesome sex together and I have NEVER said NO. In fact my libido may be the same or greater than his.
As well, I just don't get it... the porn, .... I don't read romance novels, buy shoes to access or masturbate to any of that nonsense that is so often used to try to explain it.
I understand masturbation and that need for him if I ain't around but why not use our own videos???? why not have the REAL true thing?
the idea of him getting off to porn chicks feels like a type of cheating and just is such a turn off. and even more so, if I feel like I an not young and perky and don't have a pu$$y like porn chicks do.
Can any one shed some light on this??? I love this man, he is a good guy in many ways and screwed up as well in others but we all are. Cheating, strip clubs and porn just sink my heart.
I trust him and don't believe he will cheat again. Strip clubs... I ask him not to go but never impose control or conditions I just ask him not to hurt my heart that way.
The porn, why??? he has sooooooo much already with me... or so I believe.. so , I am left wondering and hurting and left believing, I must just look too ugly, not attractive anymore, my parts are ugly even if the sex is good , i am too old .
It feels pretty bad. Good lord knows I try my best and also to be fit, healthy, attractive not just for him but for my own self.
He is getting older too and no one stays 25 forever except in porn. How can any woman ever withstand that timeless/ageless attraction.

part of me, thinks I could just give up because I will never be good enough, enough or satisfy and keep my man content.....

me, on the other hand... I love him , his flaws, his changing body ( receding hair, belly girth changes) its all good cuz I LOVE him, the man, the friend, the lover, etc.
what the hell does he need the porn for??????????

thanks y'all

[The Collector]

99% of men, including those in committed relationships, watch porn. Some women like it too, some don't care, and for some it's a huge issue. I don't think the latter are prudes, but they are displaying unwarranted jealousy IMO. I also don't think anything someone says on the internet is going to change their basic nature and attitudes in this area. But I'll give it a go anyway.

It doesn't mean they are comparing you unfavorably to the women in the porn, If they are, they are just as capable of doing that with any woman clothed or semi-clothed. It's not like men need to see a woman butt-naked before they think 'wait a minute, she's hotter than my partner, maybe I should trade up.'

You think your partner should only have sexual fantasies about you. Do you never fantasize about a guy you work with, or some mysterious stranger? Well, many men need a visual cue to get that fantasy going, then it's over and they forget about the two-bit whore in the video.

Your post is full of you qualifying yourself against these porn rivals. That's not how it works. He just wants to jerk off over some girl he doesn't have to get to know, care about or call the next day. It's you he wantts the real deal with.

Men and women can mate for life, or at least for the long term. But most are still attracted to other people, whether they admit it or not. Porn provides a safe release from these feelings, and IMO is going to make him less likely to want to stray in real life, not more.

And if he likes porn (as 99% of men do), and you make a big deal over it, he will most likely just hide his porn use. You'll just have to accept it, forget about it, or find one of the men who doesn't like it (although secretly does).

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. I understand masturbation and that need for him if I ain't around but why not use our own videos????

2. why not have the REAL true thing?

Because watching the same videos over and over of a person you have sex with over and over loses its effect over time and becomes mundane and isn't as stimulating. Variety is part of what a man craves in order to push his drive high and keep it there for masturbatory purposes. Not all men are like this, but yours clearly is.

Because masturbation with porn is a committed man's way of having the sexual variety he (and his hormone flooded brain) need.

Sex with you obviously isn't lacking and he isn't substituting porn/masturbation for actual sex, so I'm not sure what the problem is besides your insecurity. If the only problem is the problem you have with it and your sex life isn't suffering, then you may want to see about finding a way that you can both compromise and both get your needs met. Does he understand where you are coming from, or is he mainly just defensive? Unfortunately his having cheated on you doesn't help matters. Did he ever say why he cheated?

Have you considered some sort of counseling to get this all out on the table in an objective way?

[Deanster]

I understand how it must feel hurtful, given how much effort you put in. I'd give just about anything for my wife to be as you describe in bed!

However, I guess my point of view is that if your relationship is good overall, having your fella looking at a few pictures/movies isn't harmful to your R. It's just some pictures. (FWIW, I feel the same way about strippers). Lots of people watch TV shows, movies, or dance companies. I guess I don't see a giant difference between various forms of paid entertainment, other than that strippers are more fun to watch (for me) than interpretive dance, and porn is more amusing than the Wall Street Journal. While I go to interpretive Dance, and read the New York Times, and watch 'Lost', what's so terrible about also enjoying strippers, sex blogs, and 'Busty Vixens 18'?

I'm an extremely visual creature, and I like women. I really like seeing beautiful women on the street, around town, and in various media. In all cases, it's a plus if they're naked.

I understand the impulse to compare, but I'd just let it go, if you can find a way to do that. I'd have a different answer if he was obsessing, or spending many hours a day on porn, but as an occasional vice, it just seems below the threshold to focus on for me.

As I think about it a little, it seems like you're really concerned that you're 100% into your relationship, to the exclusion of all others, and he's not. The A and the porn are all signs to you that he's not shutting off all others the way you are, and that (understandably) hurts. It may not be what you want, but it might just be that he's either a) not 100% into you, or b) just not capable of focusing that much to the exclusion of all others. I haven't been in a wild, over the top sexual relationship in... a long time, so I can't say for sure, but I think I'd still notice and appreciate attractive women, and perhaps surf a little porn even if I was.

It in no way takes away from my feelings about my relationship, it's just... more interesting than 'Lost' as entertainment.

[hummingbird]

Originally Posted by The Collector

I also don't think anything someone says on the internet is going to change their basic nature and attitudes in this area. But I'll give it a go anyway. THANK YOU!

It doesn't mean they are comparing you unfavorably to the women in the porn, If they are, they are just as capable of doing that with any woman clothed or semi-clothed. It's not like men need to see a woman butt-naked before they think 'wait a minute, she's hotter than my partner, maybe I should trade up.' that is a very good point!!! I quess the difference though is that a clothed one isn't as arousing???? or is it only the T&A and pu$$ee that bring arousal???

You think your partner should only have sexual fantasies about you. Do you never fantasize about a guy you work with, or some mysterious stranger? Well, many men need a visual cue to get that fantasy going, then it's over and they forget about the two-bit whore in the video. NO I don't EVER... ever, I find him totally my turn-on in real life and in my masturbation fuel / soooooo; always been a one man woman that way...always.
but thanks for letting me the two bit whore are forgotten about that helps but my question is are they really truly forgotten about??? or are they now in the memory archive for other times ??

Your post is full of you qualifying yourself against these porn rivals. That's not how it works. He just wants to jerk off over some girl he doesn't have to get to know, care about or call the next day. It's you he wantts the real deal with. that does sound a bit more reassuring---quite honestly, I have alot more going for me even at my age than any of the porn whores could (sorry yes I am cynical of them)

Men and women can mate for life, or at least for the long term. But most are still attracted to other people, whether they admit it or not. Porn provides a safe release from these feelings, and IMO is going to make him less likely to want to stray in real life, not more.

And if he likes porn (as 99% of men do), and you make a big deal over it, he will most likely just hide his porn use. You'll just have to accept it, forget about it, or find one of the men who doesn't like it (although secretly does).

oh I deal, and don't make issue at all... just try to understand and not feel hurt or as you put it qualified against the porn rivals as they feel as such to me

thanks! TC

[hummingbird]

Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia

Because watching the same videos over and over of a person you have sex with over and over loses its effect over time and becomes mundane and isn't as stimulating. Variety is part of what a man craves in order to push his drive high and keep it there for masturbatory purposes. Not all men are like this, but yours clearly is.

Because masturbation with porn is a committed man's way of having the sexual variety he (and his hormone flooded brain) need.

Sex with you obviously isn't lacking and he isn't substituting porn/masturbation for actual sex, so I'm not sure what the problem is besides your insecurity. If the only problem is the problem you have with it and your sex life isn't suffering, then you may want to see about finding a way that you can both compromise and both get your needs met. Does he understand where you are coming from, or is he mainly just defensive? Unfortunately his having cheated on you doesn't help matters. Did he ever say why he cheated? I don't know if he completely understands, he may have some understanding but has difficulty with me getting down on myself... he is not very good at handling any type of insecurity on my part..any type of "beating myself up" about my body, my looks etc.
Long story, but basically it was after the heavy porn use with me(I hated it-but went along) and then finally couldn't take it and let him know in a different letter. I also, told him if he couldn't be with me without porn, maybe it was about what I view are my flaws and that maybe I should have labioplasty.....
he totally felt like the bad guy....and has a ONS to "feel better about himself" yeah that was very immature and selfish... but somehow we worked that out, but porn remained a sort of silent nemesis for me... just that I did my best to understand where he was coming from; needing to be the good guy in our R..... and he tried to help me see that i wasn't some freak and to feel better about me and my parts.

Have you considered some sort of counseling to get this all out on the table in an objective way?

I have on my own for my own reasons....him--ahhhh.... never ever unfortunately... but somehow we balance and work thru things.....
this is just one I can't bring up with him again
Thanks LB!

[Enema]

I could be married to Jessica Alba and have her begging me to record us in hardcore anything-goes sex for my own personal enjoyment.

I'd still look at porn of other women.

Men like variety. Males have evolved to spread their seed with as many different, and as many different types of women as possible to enhance the chances of our genes being passed on.

Modern woman won't accept this so as a compromise, (most) modern men don't sleep around... they look at porn, fantasize, or get you to dress up to beat down that urge for variety.

In summary: It's natural, it's no reflection on you or your relationship and hey... it's not cheating.

[hummingbird]

Originally Posted by Deanster

I understand how it must feel hurtful, given how much effort you put in. I'd give just about anything for my wife to be as you describe in bed! Thanks... I wish that for you too! I know that when I feel he loves me and really appreciates me as a woman, I am allll into him and our loving. I am less enthusiastic when I know porn has been used.

However, I guess my point of view is that if your relationship is good overall, having your fella looking at a few pictures/movies isn't harmful to your R. It's just some pictures. (FWIW, I feel the same way about strippers). Lots of people watch TV shows, movies, or dance companies. I guess I don't see a giant difference between various forms of paid entertainment, other than that strippers are more fun to watch (for me) than interpretive dance, and porn is more amusing than the Wall Street Journal. While I go to interpretive Dance, and read the New York Times, and watch 'Lost', what's so terrible about also enjoying strippers, sex blogs, and 'Busty Vixens 18'? nothing I quess if it doesn't harm the relationship or the commitment or the zeal for your partner--but like myself, I am getting older and can never measure to the likes of a 25 yo porn whore..... so, in a way, it is harmful if he constantly looks at that and then looks at me.... real woman then porn chick... if you get to choose what shirt your gonna wear... is it going to be the old ratty , worn, wrinkled one or the brand new, crisp and full of color one ??

I'm an extremely visual creature, and I like women. I really like seeing beautiful women on the street, around town, and in various media. In all cases, it's a plus if they're naked. I'm just curious about how your wife feels about that and how do you think that affects your R??

I understand the impulse to compare, but I'd just let it go, if you can find a way to do that. I'd have a different answer if he was obsessing, or spending many hours a day on porn, but as an occasional vice, it just seems below the threshold to focus on for me. You do understand?? why so, am curious???? is it because guys do compare their woman afterall???

As I think about it a little, it seems like you're really concerned that you're 100% into your relationship, to the exclusion of all others, and he's not. The A and the porn are all signs to you that he's not shutting off all others the way you are, and that (understandably) hurts. It may not be what you want, but it might just be that he's either a) not 100% into you, or b) just not capable of focusing that much to the exclusion of all others. I haven't been in a wild, over the top sexual relationship in... a long time, so I can't say for sure, but I think I'd still notice and appreciate attractive women, and perhaps surf a little porn even if I was. yeah, that is alot true... there is always an underlying fear of being hurt again-and yes, I do give my all. He is as into me and our R as he can be for someone who has some emotional baggage (of which I have spent years trying to understand and appreciate--why, we all have issues and baggage...no is perfect. and so, I sort of feel that since so much is right with us, it is a good thing to work on understanding who he is and why he is that way.)
Wild over the top sexual R with him is not the only positive -- I could never be with one for just that... so shallow and meaningless..
but we are incredible as friends and partners in many levels...
I just wish he was a better communicator--- and that yeah, there wasn't any porn or past indiscretions.

It in no way takes away from my feelings about my relationship, it's just... more interesting than 'Lost' as entertainment.

have you ever really truly thought about how it may affect your R??
I am just curious if guys really think about it and how it may affect how you see women, your woman and your R with her..

The men posting here have been soooooo helpful-- I really appreciate that and LB too!
thanks Dnstr!

[hummingbird]

Originally Posted by Enema

I could be married to Jessica Alba and have her begging me to record us in hardcore anything-goes sex for my own personal enjoyment.

I'd still look at porn of other women. Please if you could explain your reasons.... not generalize to "men" that would be interesting...
I realize all men are different and view and want different things sexually, but I quess I dont get that.
Men are far evolved from the cave man days....
or are they really?

Men like variety. Males have evolved to spread their seed with as many different, and as many different types of women as possible to enhance the chances of our genes being passed on.

Modern woman won't accept this so as a compromise, (most) modern men don't sleep around... they look at porn, fantasize, or get you to dress up to beat down that urge for variety. I do dress ... lingerie, sexy photos at times... I mean I do try.. so maybe its just my aging ugliness

In summary: It's natural, it's no reflection on you or your relationship and hey... it's not cheating.

yes and no.... no physical contact but certainly biochemical connections are made ...arousal for the porn chicks....
thanks though E

[Enema]

It's not logical and you probably won't "get" any answer I give.

I just like to look at different women from time to time. I think it's natural to wonder what other women are like.

It doesn't mean I love my wife any less, or that she's ugly, or that she's boring... It has absolutely nothing to do with her or our sex life.

It's the same reason I've had 10 cars and 3 motorbikes... I just like variety. Porn is as close as I can get to variety without cheating.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm still pretty naive and innocent about porn myself, so it's good to read the male perspective here.

What jumps out at me more than anything, hummingbird, is how down on yourself you are. You really need to stop saying and thinking these awful things about yourself. Everybody has something to work with, no matter who they are or how old they are. Focus on your best assets and play them up. And the way you look is just one part of the package -- attitude and self-confidence go miles in creating the image you project. I strongly suggest you do some reading and work on your self-esteem.

You might not look like a porn star, but you're sexy, you're authentic, you're not having sex for $, you have life experience and smarts, and I'm sure you have many other great qualities I couldn't possibly know about.

[Ruby Slippers]

double post

[hummingbird]

Originally Posted by Ruby Slippers

I'm still pretty naive and innocent about porn myself, so it's good to read the male perspective here.

What jumps out at me more than anything, hummingbird, is how down on yourself you are. You really need to stop saying and thinking these awful things about yourself. Everybody has something to work with, no matter who they are or how old they are. Focus on your best assets and play them up. And the way you look is just one part of the package -- attitude and self-confidence go miles in creating the image you project. I strongly suggest you do some reading and work on your self-esteem.

You might not look like a porn star, but you're sexy, you're authentic, you're not having sex for $, you have life experience and smarts, and I'm sure you have many other great qualities I couldn't possibly know about.

thank you RS... you are just a jem )
i agree with you about this and getting down on myself. It is rather difficult to stay optimisitic and positive about yourself when your guy is getting aroused to young women and their parts.
I am on the run now so can't write more, but so appreciate your uplift talk not to focus on the negative but on the positive of who i am.

you are so right about many things but truthfully when my guy is with a porn he isn't caring about me, my smarts, my authenticity, my life experience. All he is caring about is their parts, his hard-on and getting one off --

ah.... personally, I do appreciate the perspecitve the guys offer here. It helps some. YOu too.... thanks for reminding me about me.
I don't think I would want to look like a porn chick anyway..
or be one. One day, they are going to leak urine, have anal incontinence and their boobs are going to bust from the over use/insertions of sorts or at least , I don't know how they will be able to look at themselves in a mirror and be proud of their life accomplishments.

for that matter I dont' know how guys can get into that when they know most of these women are young-desperate-pathetic lost and confused and tho they love to be exhibishionists-- most are probably on drugs, and just sad- young women.

have a great day RS!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Originally Posted by hummingbird

for that matter I dont' know how guys can get into that when they know most of these women are young-desperate-pathetic lost and confused and tho they love to be exhibishionists-- most are probably on drugs, and just sad- young women.

I don't think most of us guys, put that much thought behind it.

Do you really think that he mentally compares you to porn stars or wishes you were more like that?

[Mr. Lucky]

Originally Posted by Enema

It doesn't mean I love my wife any less, or that she's ugly, or that she's boring... It has absolutely nothing to do with her or our sex life.

It's the same reason I've had 10 cars and 3 motorbikes... I just like variety. Porn is as close as I can get to variety without cheating.

I wish there was some way to make women understand this, that porn is about us and not about them. I'm not a big user but every once in a while the need bubbles up to the top. It satisfies that "itch" in a way that helps keep my sanity, life and marriage intact ...

Mr. Lucky