Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
New to the forum and looking for some guidance on my current situation. I haven't had a gf for awhile and had not really messed around and am not the 1 night stand kind of guy. Well I have friends that come over to my house and we play our drinking games on weekends. Well there was this girl that would come over and I had known her for around a year or so, she had started coming over to my house when my house became the "hangout". BTW, I'm 27 and she 24. Well we started talking on New Year's, started dating and all of that. Well we got together as bf/gf or whatever basically around V-Day. Now on with the story.
She dated what she said was her first love for 2 years. He broke it off with her on V-Day and then basically for the entire year of 2007 she had a tough time. I found out from her telling me that she has slept with ten different people over the course of Feb-Dec of that year. One of which was some guy over 20yrs her senior. One guy is a close friend of mine and they were apparantly "friends with benefits". And she also had a drunken 1 night stand with another friend of mine. He and I are not close. Basically her explaination to me was that she was depressed from he breakup, all she wanted to do was drink and her sleeping with those guys was a way for her to feel like she had someone. To have someone laying next to her even if it was only temporary. She keeps telling me to not think about these things and to not worry about them. I'm not worried about them, it's just the stuff that runs through my head about one of these many guys on top of her doing whatever just irks me. I guess if she had been in a relationship with them, I would see it differently. But they were just a f***. And the number to me is staggering at least in my mind and world. And then the 40yr old??? In my mind I think, What have you not done? Makes me feel like what we have is really nothing as she has already shared that with so many and all this was in 2007 so it's not like it's been that long ago. She seems really into me and has been staying over at my house but the more I find out the more I'm afraid I'm looking at her differently and need direction on how I can move these things out of my head. After all, it's her past and my problem for letting it get to me. But I never expected a past that this recent and with so many. I wasn't raised with the mindset to deal with this kind of stuff in my head. I mean girls I've dated have had pasts, just not f****** up like this. Thoughts anyone?
Oh for what it's worth and if it even matters, I've only been with 6 women in my years and all of them I was in a relationship with.
Last edited by Siphon9a; 19th March 2008 at 4:47 PM.
what she did b/4 you,can't change. in my mind it wouldn't even matter,if you care for her you are gonna have to accept it,sometimes it can be tuff, but she's with you that's all that matters..
what she did b/4 you,can't change. in my mind it wouldn't even matter,if you care for her you are gonna have to accept it,sometimes it can be tuff, but she's with you that's all that matters..
That's what she keeps telling me. I almost feel like it's something in my mind that makes me think this way. Almost a negative voice that won't stop grinding at me. I guess maybe getting on here is my way to vent it out as I all of our friends are pretty much the same and I can't go look to them for guidance without it becoming public knowledge. Other than some kind of couseling is there something I could to do to get to the root of my problem? I guess I've got it in my head that was we have isn't really of importance as she has given that to alot of others in such a short amount of time. I know she had a tough year and kind of understand why she did what she did. She did say in a talk when all this came up that "she wishes that she could take it all back and that she doesn't want me to think she's a slut for doing those things". I think she thinks I look at her in that light but in her mind she's past all these things and seems happy with me. I guess I'm just confused. I see alot in her that I like and want to be able to just focus on that and push all this **** out of my head. I just don't know how.
This is a difficult position to be in. I understand that you do not feel very special but again it was before you met her but still. The problem I see is what happens in the future if she gets depressed or gets into a major fight with you? Will her outlet be to pick up any guy to sleep with so she will feel better? Is this how she reacts under stress? Another issues you may have is that she was with so many men in such a short period of time that the chances of her picking up some STD and giving it to you has got to be a concern for you.
I guess only you can decide if this will be a deal breaker for you. I wish you luck.
If you can't look past her history to see who she is now, the issue is with you. Your preconcepts are normal but not healthy. Keep in mind that it's not what we believe, what we have done, or where we came from that makes us who we are. These things shape us but they don't define us, we define these things.
On the other hand, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can deal with the possiblilty that history will repeat itself, then you'll have to act accordingly.
This is a difficult position to be in. I understand that you do not feel very special but again it was before you met her but still. The problem I see is what happens in the future if she gets depressed or gets into a major fight with you? Will her outlet be to pick up any guy to sleep with so she will feel better? Is this how she reacts under stress? Another issues you may have is that she was with so many men in such a short period of time that the chances of her picking up some STD and giving it to you has got to be a concern for you.
I guess only you can decide if this will be a deal breaker for you. I wish you luck.
I don't see that happening but then again, that would show her TRUE colors. Not something I would worry about as far as the cheating thing. Besides she seems like cheating is not her thing as she knows how it feels on the other end of things, as do I. And "our" friends would never let her live it down if she did. And the STD's, well she's been tested at her girly thing and was okay. SHE SAYS the only one she didn't use protection with was my friend Jason as they were "friends with benefits". I appreciated the response and the luck!
If you can't look past her history to see who she is now, the issue is with you. Your preconcepts are normal but not healthy. Keep in mind that it's not what we believe, what we have done, or where we came from that makes us who we are. These things shape us but they don't define us, we define these things.
On the other hand, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can deal with the possiblilty that history will repeat itself, then you'll have to act accordingly.
You can't change the past. Accept it or move on.
This is what I'm trying to grasp. defining the things instead of the other way around. It's actually quite a relief to just talk on here and get some of this out.
As far as past behavior being the future behavior, she wasn't cheating on anyone, she was dealing with her past by making, what she claims to me, were bad decisions to deal with the present pain she felt. I can only go on what she tells me as the truth in that. Accepting it is what I'm working on doing as I know for a fact it's something in myself that is the direct cause of this and it's not her. My own insecurities and obsessive compulsion toward wanting to worry to much and brining negative things around me have been a problem for me for quite awhile. Hopefully, I can get these things dealt with and find the source of my grief.
That's what she keeps telling me. I almost feel like it's something in my mind that makes me think this way. Almost a negative voice that won't stop grinding at me.
Most people are going to tell you that its all your problem... that whatever she did before has nothing to do with you... and a whole world of other garbage. Here is the straight poop. First... what she did reflects on who she is. Keep that in context. So you should have a clear understanding that if you went out of town for 2 months, there is a higher chance she would go chasing after other men. That's fact.
Second, your feeling jealous of her past primarily because she fails to make you feel as though you are different or special. Maybe get her to work harder at that.
You also should recognize that you more than likley have personal insecurities that magnify these problems.
I can't count the amount of times I've heard a skanky girl use the line "But I'm with you NOW." as if that means something. It doesnt... because yesterday... that NOW was with another guy.
So... tell her how you feel. Let her know that some of it is your personal insecurities... another part is her problem... and you both have to work together to fix it.
Most people are going to tell you that its all your problem... that whatever she did before has nothing to do with you... and a whole world of other garbage. Here is the straight poop. First... what she did reflects on who she is. Keep that in context. So you should have a clear understanding that if you went out of town for 2 months, there is a higher chance she would go chasing after other men. That's fact.
Second, your feeling jealous of her past primarily because she fails to make you feel as though you are different or special. Maybe get her to work harder at that.
You also should recognize that you more than likley have personal insecurities that magnify these problems.
I can't count the amount of times I've heard a skanky girl use the line "But I'm with you NOW." as if that means something. It doesnt... because yesterday... that NOW was with another guy.
So... tell her how you feel. Let her know that some of it is your personal insecurities... another part is her problem... and you both have to work together to fix it.
As far as the chasing after other guys, well it's too early to tell whether that would be an issue or not. I know that the 1 guy she "fell in love" with broke up with her over drugs and a stripper. Got to be some irony in that. She's always affectionate towards me, wants to be next to and all that. I think the last part of what your saying is the main source and what Blind Otter said, the RJ is something I have to get over in my own mind and just realize, she's with me in a relationship and not just a 1 night thing. She was that way towards me from the beginning, or so she says. Who knows. I've heard from her friends, that are my friends, that she liked me and wanted to see where it would go.
We have talked about my insecurites and she's reassuring when she feels I'm down, it's just at some point I need to f****** man up and just get over it. When I don't say anything to her about it when I'm down, she can tell and automatically becomes even more affectionate. Maybe I'm on here to spill my story to you guys as a way to get past the thoughts in my head. I thought about making private blogs on myspace but with the stuff I might say that goes through my head. If it was accidentally viewed. Man I'd be in deep poop!.
I've said it many times before - there have been dozens of men/women who posts about exactly the same thing.
Google "retroactive jealousy"
I've seen your past posted and am glad you posted. I've looked up the RJ and have def self-diagnosed myself with that problem. Couple that with my obsessive-compulsiveness and you got a mess on your hands. I wonder if I could direct the OC into a positive channel instead of such a negative one. I hate being insecure about myself and it causing my partner grief. Any advise blind otter?
As far as the chasing after other guys, well it's too early to tell whether that would be an issue or not. I know that the 1 guy she "fell in love" with broke up with her over drugs and a stripper. Got to be some irony in that. She's always affectionate towards me, wants to be next to and all that. I think the last part of what your saying is the main source and what Blind Otter said, the RJ is something I have to get over in my own mind and just realize, she's with me in a relationship and not just a 1 night thing. She was that way towards me from the beginning, or so she says. Who knows. I've heard from her friends, that are my friends, that she liked me and wanted to see where it would go.
Well, it sounds like your assuming a good chunk of the responsibility for this. You probably should.... it sounds like your insecurities are getting the better of you.
So... if she is all that and a bag of chips with you... why does that not make you feel special?
no one knows me here so I'll be honest. I am 25 have been with 7 guys. However my first year of college I did everything but sex with over 10 guys within one year. No sex because to me that was too intimate but oral to me was fine. I know people don't agree.
My reasoning?? My ex of 2 years cheated on me. I was depressed. It was college. I was used to getting it whenever I wanted that it was hard to stop completely. I mean I kissed over 30 guys within a year. I believed that love did not exist. My ex made me feel like it was all crap. I guess the best way to describe would be hmmm I will act like a guy now. No emotion just playing around.
I am not a slut. I've only had sex with bf except one FWB because another ex broke my heart later on in life but I still had my needs. My bf hates hearing about it but I am completely faithful. I don't go running to other guys when we have issues. I'm not proud of my past but let it go. It was in the past.
When someone cheats on you people take it differently. It was my 1st love I'm sure hers was the same situation give her a break. She is with you now, treat her right.
Last edited by Isabella82; 19th March 2008 at 7:07 PM.
Well, it sounds like your assuming a good chunk of the responsibility for this. You probably should.... it sounds like your insecurities are getting the better of you.
So... if she is all that and a bag of chips with you... why does that not make you feel special?
Because I have a negative innerself that I cannot kill off. I seen a couple doctors. I have trouble relaxing, am compulsive when it comes to many things, and get myself in the situation where I feel I lack "self-worth".
I see her as a caring, genuine person who was hurt by the person she loved in her past. She delt with it in the only way she knew how. Allbeit not necessarily the right way. She says she just wants to forget about the past and move on with me. She calls me everyday, stays the night with me at my house, always holding hands and wants me to go everywhere and do everything with her. Why that doesn't make me feel special?
Cause seem to be my own worst enemy. Maybe writing here is the start to get past it all? I mean afterall, it's her past, either I can get over it or I shouldn't be with her. Well I want to be with her so I've got only one other option but to look to myself as the source of the problem.
no one knows me here so I'll be honest. I am 25 have been with 7 guys. However my first year of college I did everything but sex with over 10 guys within one year. No sex because to me that was too intimate but oral to me was fine. I know people don't agree.
My reasoning?? My ex of 2 years cheated on me. I was depressed. It was college. I was used to getting it whenever I wanted that it was hard to stop completely. I mean I kissed over 30 guys within a year. I believed that love did not exist. My ex made me feel like it was all crap. I guess the best way to describe would be hmmm I will act like a guy now. No emotion just playing around.
I am not a slut. I've only had sex with bf except one FWB because another ex broke my heart later on in life but I still had my needs. My bf hates hearing about it but I am completely faithful. I don't go running to other guys when we have issues. I'm not proud of my past but let it go. It was in the past.
When someone cheats on you people take it differently. It was my 1st love I'm sure hers was the same situation give her a break. She is with you now, treat her right.
What you just described is her. To the letter, that's her. And as far as treating her right, that's not the problem. I care for her and respect her. I'm just trying to find a way to understand everything in my own mind so I can put this garbage out of my head. I'm not worried about her cheating on me or anything like that. Does your bf know about everything? What was his take at first when he found out about it all? How do you think he deals with it in his mind?
Thanks so much for you reply. It's nice to hear the response from someone on the other side of the situation so I can try and rationalize my own mind.
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