Okay, I decided to T/J silent_cadence's thread and pose the question in this thread. When d-day happens, should the BS of the MM/MW tell the OW/OM's S of the A? What is the reasoning behind doing so? Don't flame me here, I am just interested in hearing all perspectives. Please keep this discussion obective and refrain from attacking posters with an opposing view. Maybe we can all learn from this.
I don't feel the OW/OM's marriage is any of the BS's business and think the OW/OM should tell their S. Some of you here believe otherwise, I respect that, but I do not agree. By saying the OW gave up their rights by having an A with the BS's MM/MW is an attempt to place the blame outside of the M instead of looking at what caused the WS to stray in the first place. IMO
In my case (I am the OW), I never set out to have an A with a MM, it just happened. Before the A, I always used to say that I would never ever get involved with a MM and then...well...here I am. One can never say never because you just don't know. He has his reasons for straying and staying M, I understand them and have no expectations beyond that. If I decide the R is not for me anymore I will take responsibility for myself and end it. We both take full responsibility for our part in the A. If there is d-day he knows I will go NC because his marital problems are "their" problems not mine...I came along after and am not the cause of them. Similarly, if he decided to end it with me, I would not contact his W and tell her about the A, it is not my place.
I don't feel the OW/OM's marriage is any of the BS's business and think the OW/OM should tell their S. Some of you here believe otherwise, I respect that, but I do not agree. By saying the OW gave up their rights by having an A with the BS's MM/MW is an attempt to place the blame outside of the M instead of looking at what caused the WS to stray in the first place. IMO
Since the OM/OW has involved him/herself with the BS's marriage, why should the OM/OW's marriage be out of bounds for the BS? All four partners are impacted by the affair, regardless of what the OM/OWs like to think.
It's not about placing blame. It's about informing the other BS what their H/W is up to so they can make their own informed decision about their life and marriage. And, in some cases where the OM/OW is continuing to contact their affair partner after D-Day despite being told not to, it can be useful to inform the other BS to get the OM/OW to stop.
Affairs thrive in secrecy. Remove the secrecy and everyone has to deal with the reality of what's really going on.
Just continuing from Silence's thread, I don't think your position makes much sense. I can't see how all of a sudden something is none of someone else's business when the OW was once all up in their business.
And I am not flaming you at all, but it is typical to have the accomplice of the cheater talking about what another can do with the knowledge of the A. Typical trying to control others but not wanting to be controlled by the very people you are attempting to control. That is the pot calling the kettle black.
How can you defend a blatant double-standard? It was okay to overstep your bounds and disrespect their M (here is where the "but MM is the one that did that" can be inserted - and its true but you didn't have to accept the invitation) but the BS is not allowed to do what in essense is showing more respect to your M than shown to their own. Why expect the betrayed to respect "your business" when you couldn't and didn't do the same?
The BS doesn't owe the OW/MW anything, as the saying typically goes in reverse. How is telling the BS of the MP do the cheating placing blame elsewhere? If my kid gets hurt by another kid, I shouldn't tell their parents because I wouldn't be addressing the obvious problem within my own kid that caused him to get hurt to begin with? Am I blaming the other kid for hurting my child or am I just giving the parents of the other child important information about their child's actions?
Of course I am not saying that the adults involved in an A are children, but its a family/household thing. Would you want someone telling you that you have no right addressing them because you got your own issues to attend to? Even if what they did caused you great harm?
Its not that I don't respect your opinion, its just entirely too flawed for common sense. No offense. A child can poke holes into that kind of logic. When applied to society at large, it doesn't hold water. I can respect not wanting them to tell for whatever reasons, just not for the "rights" and "none of your business" and "you got issues too" reasons. Those are cop outs. The cop outs of one that believes that they are above the consequences of their actions.
__________________ Don't flag me, 'cause I'm honest...
Since the OM/OW has involved him/herself with the BS's marriage, why should the OM/OW's marriage be out of bounds for the BS? All four partners are impacted by the affair, regardless of what the OM/OWs like to think.
...Affairs thrive in secrecy. Remove the secrecy and everyone has to deal with the reality of what's really going on.
So, a betrayed wife won't mind hearing the news from OW's husband, but she wouldn't want to hear it from the OW..?
The question has been flogged to death on this forum so many times. And each time the responses are the same... some BS do want to hear, some don't, some want to hear, but not from OW, some don't mind where it comes from.
At the end of the day, there is no definite rule. And yes, I see where the idea of only spouses telling thing comes from... control. Spouses of the wanderers wanting to keep their other half in line.
Please save me from a relationship resembling that in any way.
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"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." ~ H. G. Wells
Affairs thrive in secrecy. Remove the secrecy and everyone has to deal with the reality of what's really going on.
Maybe so, but what if the circumstances in the OW's marriage are merely for "appearances" sake for whatever reason and the H or W is okay with it, but they do not want to hear about it? Isn't the BS then encroaching on their choice to know but "not know." This is the case sometimes to. All I am saying is every situation is different and you can't lump them all into one category based on your own personal situation.
All I am saying is every situation is different and you can't lump them all into one category based on your own personal situation.
I am not married and never have been, so it's not about my personal situation.
However, if I were betrayed and my husband didn't tell me, I wouldn't care who it was that told me - OW, OW's husband, the neighbors, the mailman, whatever - I would want to know because it's my life that's being f*cked around with. Why should I be the only one who doesn't know what's actually going on in my life and marriage?
Maybe so, but what if the circumstances in the OW's marriage are merely for "appearances" sake for whatever reason and the H or W is okay with it, but they do not want to hear about it? Isn't the BS then encroaching on their choice to know but "not know." This is the case sometimes to. All I am saying is every situation is different and you can't lump them all into one category based on your own personal situation.
Absolutely correct.
They might have assented and not want to know the details, they might just plain not want to know. But assumptions are made... and why? Because it's all about the (telling) BS and their needs.
I am not married and never have been, so it's not about my personal situation.
However, if I were betrayed and my husband didn't tell me, I wouldn't care who it was that told me - OW, OW's husband, the neighbors, the mailman, whatever - I would want to know because it's my life that's being f*cked around with. Why should I be the only one who doesn't know what's actually going on in my life and marriage?
But people don't necessarily know you feel that way. Well, that is unless you've told them. Would you tell them?
I make things pretty clear in my relationships. Everyone I know knows that IF my SO were messing around on me, I'd like to know. In fact, I go into relationships saying to my SO... look, if you feel the relationship isn't going well, tell me, we'll work on it. I'd rather end this than have you cheat on me, and oh, I'll do you the same curtesy.
It goes both ways. The MP trying to control the flow of the info. The OP not wanting to get found out.
If As are so glamorous, I wonder why the two people in it aren't telling everyone how great it is? Could it be control?
Another double-standard. Wanting to control but afraid to be controlled.
Affairs are controlling whom..? (in your opinion, I mean).
As a single OW, no, I'm not controlling anyone. But yes, I can see how a MM or MW could be controlling... all information is theirs, they're the only one who knows the entire truth. Is that what you meant..?
And I am not flaming you at all, but it is typical to have the accomplice of the cheater talking about what another can do with the knowledge of the A. Typical trying to control others but not wanting to be controlled by the very people you are attempting to control. That is the pot calling the kettle black.
How can you defend a blatant double-standard? It was okay to overstep your bounds and disrespect their M (here is where the "but MM is the one that did that" can be inserted - and its true but you didn't have to accept the invitation) but the BS is not allowed to do what in essense is showing more respect to your M than shown to their own. Why expect the betrayed to respect "your business" when you couldn't and didn't do the same?
The BS doesn't owe the OW/MW anything, as the saying typically goes in reverse. How is telling the BS of the MP do the cheating placing blame elsewhere? If my kid gets hurt by another kid, I shouldn't tell their parents because I wouldn't be addressing the obvious problem within my own kid that caused him to get hurt to begin with? Am I blaming the other kid for hurting my child or am I just giving the parents of the other child important information about their child's actions?
Of course I am not saying that the adults involved in an A are children, but its a family/household thing. Would you want someone telling you that you have no right addressing them because you got your own issues to attend to? Even if what they did caused you great harm?
Its not that I don't respect your opinion, its just entirely too flawed for common sense. No offense. A child can poke holes into that kind of logic. When applied to society at large, it doesn't hold water. I can respect not wanting them to tell for whatever reasons, just not for the "rights" and "none of your business" and "you got issues too" reasons. Those are cop outs. The cop outs of one that believes that they are above the consequences of their actions.
You can call me an accomplice if you like, but you don't really know the circumstances in my situation. It can be viewed as control, maybe, but you can't lump everyone in the same category. The circumstances may not warrant the generalization.
Shouldn't one find out the specifics first before telling? Like I said in the other post, the H/W might not want to know for reasons that are personal to the marriage. And, the OW might not know their AP is married. What if this is the case, should the BS still make it their business to tell the S of the OP?
If it was me, I would like to know... irrespective of the issues. My one cardinal rule in life is not to waste another's time or energy. 5 years ago I had cancer and it may or may not come back at any time. The first thing I tell anyone when I get involved with them in either a friendship or a relationship is, 'don't waste my time, it's precious to me'. So to me cheating is wasting my time. I'd walk. If the loser didn't want to lose me knowing all that, then he shouldn't have done it. Simple really. So ya, I'd want to know.
I am not married and never have been, so it's not about my personal situation.
However, if I were betrayed and my husband didn't tell me, I wouldn't care who it was that told me - OW, OW's husband, the neighbors, the mailman, whatever - I would want to know because it's my life that's being f*cked around with. Why should I be the only one who doesn't know what's actually going on in my life and marriage?
That is perfectly fine. You have made a personal choice to know...not everyone does.
Maybe so, but what if the circumstances in the OW's marriage are merely for "appearances" sake for whatever reason and the H or W is okay with it, but they do not want to hear about it? Isn't the BS then encroaching on their choice to know but "not know." This is the case sometimes to. All I am saying is every situation is different and you can't lump them all into one category based on your own personal situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frannie
Absolutely correct.
They might have assented and not want to know the details, they might just plain not want to know. But assumptions are made... and why? Because it's all about the (telling) BS and their needs.
I am firmly in the "don't want to know (unless I ask for the truth)" camp. But I fail to see where assumptions are made by the BS that is doing the telling. Are they to believe that the other spouse doesn't want to know the truth because the cheaters told them so? Yeah, I can see THAT going over real well.
At the end of the day, the worst that could happen in a case like that is that the BS is told "thanks, but no thanks" and not to call again. I have seen it happen.
I know that I have said that I exposed the OW, but in truth I only got the ball rolling to where she confessed herself. I called the wrong number but it happened to be her SOs family that I called. They wanted to know why some strange woman was calling them asking for him. I didn't tell them why, that WAS none of their business. And I never called them again. The next day, her SO called me (to compare stories) and offered to keep calling me if his GF was still in touch with my H. I told him that wasn't necessary. So I was the one saying "thanks, but no thanks". I knew all that I needed to know, the rest was between me and my H.
I learned from speaking to him that they weren't "living together" but "broken up" as she claimed. He was very hurt and disappointed by HER actions, not mine. I had even changed my mind, but it was too late to take back that initial call. I apologized for calling his family with the wrong number, but he thanked me. I am aware that it doesn't always happen that way, though.
It was all about information - getting and giving it. No more, no less. Nothing about control or coersion.
Affairs are controlling whom..? (in your opinion, I mean).
As a single OW, no, I'm not controlling anyone. But yes, I can see how a MM or MW could be controlling... all information is theirs, they're the only one who knows the entire truth. Is that what you meant..?
I think what no_I_didn't meant is that the OW/OM is controlling the information by not having the BS tell their S about the A. Is that your question? Sorry if I misinterpreted.
I see your point completely because I am in the same situation as you, I am a single OW. There really isn't anyone to tell in my situation.
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T/J Telling the BS of the OW/OM?
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