Location: Between moves, Left Coast back to America.
Posts: 4,105
Not working for me
Two days ago I checked our budgets and accounts. My wife had already spent the entire household budget for the month and it's only the 7th today. It's also a month in which we had about $800 of unexpected car repairs. That did NOT come out of the household budget.
Let me point out that the budget does not include the house, utilities or recurring bills, savings, investments, etc. I cover all of those out of "my" budget which is separate from the household one. The household budget is for groceries, items for the home, clothes, gifts, cleaners and gas for the car since she's the one who drives it most. She's retired and I walk to and from work. There's also a "miscellaneous" line item just in case.
What's not working for me is not just the fact that the budget is already flat but the fact that she has given and spent about $700 in the last two or three weeks on her two daughters, giving them cash, purchasing food, and buying things for the oldest's children. Her daughters are 30 and 32. We're not talking teens or early 20s here.
Yesterday was a perfect case in point. Her oldest granddaughter (just turned 12) is "graduating" from grade school next month and needs a dress for the occasion. Her mother doesn't work. I had pointed out the flat budget to my wife the day before so she did ask me if we could buy granddaughter her dress since a store that carries a line she likes was having a half-off sale. Reluctantly I agreed.
I'm the only positive and constant male figure the girl has ever had in her life and the only grandfather she's ever known. I might point out that just last month I purchased a new computer for her birthday because schools expect the children at her grade level to have them in their homes and I didn't want her to do without. Now I'm beginning to regret that.
So, wife picks up granddaughter to take her shopping. At half off I'm thinking maybe $35-50 max for the dress. Instead, wife buy the dress, new panties, a new bra, several shades of nail polish, a bathing suit and two pairs of new shoes for her. Then, to top it off, she buys two pairs of shorts for one of her brothers "because he'll have a fit is she gets everything and he gets nothing." I say let him have a fit. The total spend came out to almost $200.
I blew up and I'm not sorry I did. I told her that if this continues, she can take her retirement check (one sixth of what I earn) and go live with her daughters and spend it all on them for all I care. I don't feel like I have a partner any longer. Rather, I have a living deficit.
I'm retiring in three years so I am very serious about our financial future, hence the saving and investments. This is undermining what I'm trying to do for us and I aslso think it's total disrespect for me. Am I wrong about this?
Sorry this is so long. Needed to vent.
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"Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."
Of course you're not wrong. There are a few things in marriage that you MUST be on the same page about...money is certainly one. We all know that many divorces are caused by problems concerning money matters.
Have you told her what you're saying here?
All decisions made in a marriage should be made with the health of the marriage in mind...this is not healthy now. She's making unilateral decisions that have no business being made unilaterally.
Sit down with her when you're not so upset. You two seem to have no problems communicating (and agreeing) in other areas...this should be no exception.
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Time to repress another memory.
Location: Between moves, Left Coast back to America.
Posts: 4,105
I've told her precisely what I've written here. I'm not sure it's made an impact although she just asked me to print out her budget matrix for the month.
In addition to the car repairs she also spent over $400 on a new pair of glasses. I certainly didn't object because she needed them and they didn't come out of her budget. But to spend all that other money on top of the glasses and car was just plain nuts.
Not sure we're going to agree on this one. We've talked about it and will no doubt talk some more but this is NOT a "lets just agree to disagree" issue, not with our financial future in the balance.
Yes! But that doesn't mean I'd stay with her. I'm an old soldier. Survival means everything.
You're married to her. Do you really think she is putting your survival at risk? She's not bringing drug dealers home. Or full grown tigers.
And you'd rather be alone than have her spend an extra few hundred dollars?
My point is you're ready to throw the whole thing in the trash over this. After all your statements of endless love and satisfaction, this doesn't seem consistent.
You're absolutely right on that score. I mean there are certain issues that you can "agree to disagree" on but when it comes to money matters, as I've said, you really have to be on the same page.
It sounds like she is taking this seriously though since she asked for a budget. If you hadn't made any impact on her, I doubt she would have even asked for that. Now all that remains to be seen is if she will follow it.
Maybe this was just a lapse in judgment on her part. Is she usually pretty good about curtailing her spending? I mean has she been in the past?
You can work this out. You have a good foundation. This doesn't have to get out of hand.
While I believe that family is everything, this isn't money she's earning on her own. Her daughters are full grown women who shouldn't be relying on their mother to support them. If they're not working, time to get a job, not sponge off mom.
While I believe that family is everything, this isn't money she's earning on her own. Her daughters are full grown women who shouldn't be relying on their mother to support them. If they're not working, time to get a job, not sponge off mom.
This I agree with. I think I'd be annoyed with that. This is typical mom/grandmother behavior from what I can tell. The daughters need to find the resources to provide what the grandkids need. They should feel ashamed to have grandma/grandpa doing this.
This I agree with. I think I'd be annoyed with that. This is typical mom/grandmother behavior from what I can tell. The daughters need to find the resources to provide what the grandkids need. They should feel ashamed to have grandma/grandpa doing this.
Yes, the girls should try to stand on their own two feet and have a little pride. I can understand a helping hand once in awhile or accepting gifts because they love you but if it's a reoccurring theme as it sounds, get a job. Their mother is not doing them any favours by taking care of them.
I agree that this is a problem, but I also agree you don't need to pull out the big guns on this.
This is the first negative post I've ever seen you make, C, so things must be pretty good in general.
There are many less extreme things you could do, including taking away her credit card if it came to that.
She can always get a part time job in retail if she wants more spending money. Or maybe you could have a separate gift budget and give her cash for it so she can't go over.
I told her that if this continues, she can take her retirement check (one sixth of what I earn) and go live with her daughters and spend it all on them for all I care. I don't feel like I have a partner any longer. Rather, I have a living deficit.
I'm retiring in three years so I am very serious about our financial future, hence the saving and investments. This is undermining what I'm trying to do for us and I aslso think it's total disrespect for me. Am I wrong about this?
I don't think you're wrong to be concerned about your financial future... but unless you REALLY meant that 'you'd just as soon have her go live with her daughters'... you went over the top.
I don't think you did mean what you said to her. You've said often enough how much it means to have her in your life, particularly in comparison to your previous marriage. I think you just got frustrated and blew a gasket.
Didn't you tell us at one point that there was some sort of emotional issue on her part? I forget what it was... maybe bi-polar personality or some such??? It looks to me like this was emotional spending.... bonding with Granddaughter, sympathizing with her. What's at the root of that?
You know, if she's not feeling well, it makes a certain amount of sense to me that she'd be attempting to augment the positive feedback from these familial relationships.
I think it'd be one thing if she was consistently frivolous and uncaring of your concerns... but I've never had that impression when reading your posts or in the wonderful advice you give to others.
At any rate... I think POJA (The Policy of Joint Agreement, Marriagebuilders) would be your best tool. If she's feeling the emotional need to supplement these relationships financially, maybe you two can find a method where you can meet halfway on that... something you can both be excited about.
Location: Between moves, Left Coast back to America.
Posts: 4,105
Oh, stop being so reasonable, LOL!
Yes, my wife is bipolar. Yes, she tends to want to spend when in a hypo-manic stage like she's in right now. However, we've always had a boundary about how much she could "blow" during those times and it was nowhere near this.
I did get frustrated and I did blow a gasket but this coming on the heals of her accusing me during MC (we started last week to "tune-up" the relationship) of being financially controlling (Gosh! I wonder why!) was simply the straw that broke the camel's back for me.
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