[patwheel]

Hey everyone,

A little background story on us, or what was us.

I am 23 and she is 25. Met her through mutual friends, since I just came to the USA, I did not know a lot of people, and tend to just stay and hang out with my little group of friends. We started hanging out, and one day, hooked up. It was great, we were both young, I was her first, and she was my third.
I loved getting that puppy love back again, loved her, but didnt want to get too serious too fast. We were great like this for about 1-1yrs1/2. I then decided to ask her to move in with me, and then all hell starts to break loose. Too young, too fast? Maybe, most probably. Also the fact that we were hanging out with the same people all the time did not help. I started loosing my identity and so did she. We started being more and more dependent off each other. When the times were great, they were awesome; however, when we were fighting, I wanted to kill myself. The fighting became incessent at the end (sept 05). She eventually moved out with one of her friend, telling me at first that she still wants to be with me. So we try out, for a month, and then same problems arise: she wants to experience on her own, she doesn't know who she is anymore.
She still says she loves me, and still wants to be friends with me, but not more. I tried to ignore her, changed phone number and all that, but after 1 week, I broke down today. I couldnt stand it anymore, since for me even though we were fighting, I still love her, and still want to be with her. I called her up and told her all that, and all she could come up with is :"im sorry it upsets you, im sorry youre sad".
she says that she is doing this because its the best thing for her, and that our relationship was consuming her too much. she says she felt trapped and guilty at all time, and she even told me she does not have the heart to fight for us anymore.
im not saying im a saint, we both did wrong things, said the wrong stuff, but after almost 3 yrs being together, almost living together for the entire time(she was mostly staying at my place from the get go), how can someone just turn like that? how can she be so cold and distant, and not even consider us possibly getting back together. I know this is ridiculous from me to even think about it, since she dumped me, and that I should move on, but I don't understand and Im going insane over this. All the usual stuff, cant eat, sleep, study, work.

[witabix]

Painful I know. You have to give yourself time. You have to think of whats best for you. She has been honest it seems. You seem to have been first serious bf? She, and you literally 'fell' in love, you have now hit the ground and it hurts like hell. Believe me time and distance can really get your head straight, believe in yourself, she dumped, be strong.

[patwheel]

thanks, i know. im really trying to be strong, but today, for some reason in my subconscious, i couldnt stand it anymore.
we were always honest to each other, which was great, and now i just feel like were hiding. i dont know maybe unconscioulsly, i still think that were together, and that were just not living/seeing each other as much. by reading all the posts on the board i see that all dumpees male and female are in the same situation, trying to cope with it by being strong.
i was her first serious bf too, yes, and we had that naive love going on, just exploring everything together, and being together all the time, travelling together, discovering our stuff together.

[witabix]

Don't beat yourself up over slipping, its only human. Forgive yourself. Try to concentrate on where you go from here. I am sure you are a worthwhile person, we are all entitled to be 'wobbly' at times, I have 'wobbled' many times over many different things, sometimes its hard to get it all in perspective, to really see where you are, don't blame her and definately don't blame yourself.

Good luck.

[looneytunes]

Pat, I am going through the EXACT same thing. Everything you posted sounds like my relationship with my ex. Right down to losing your own identity. She is trying to "find herself" as well. After we broke up we spoke to each other and saw each other for a month or so. We still fought. Jealousy and insecurities just come up when you talk about what your both up to so you can't even talk about anything. We decided on a 1 month NC rule. I have broken it almost once a week. I have tried keeping busy, but it just seems like the minutes.. not even the hours drag by at times. Sound familiar? One thing that has worked for me whether it's unhealthy or not is to shift your focus. If it's another woman, so be it. Try not to spend too much time alone. Hang out at coffee shops to study.. play sports.. anything. Anytime I've felt like calling my ex up (like right now) I spend reading this site.. it helps to know that you are not alone.

[unintentional]

It does help to read this site...very much so.

I've wanted to see and talk to my ex SO MUCH..but then i come on here..and i just read other people's stories and I stop focusing so much on what I've lost. ..it helps a little...but still..I think of him ALL THE TIME. And it is hard.

Just try to stay strong..
it takes time..
I know it's scarey..

[patwheel]

Thanks guys,

Yeah, I broke down yesterday, but a good inght sleep just helps. The way I know her, she probably was thinking that for a long long time and just did not have the courage to do it. In her own words, "she just thought about what I would do or what I would think".
By reading all the post, it does help me understand, preparing myself for the next one, and not repeat the same mistakes I guess. No matter what I'll do, it won't be enough and will never erase all the problems that we had.

thanks again!