Well, me and my wife are 31 with 3 kids. After the 2nd kid my wife was less eager to have sex with me. After my 3rd kid was born the sex came to almost a stop. Every time I touch here to get her in the mood it's like she pushes me away. When we talk about sex she always claims well I'm right there for you. But in all fairness she's not there for me. I don't know when to make a move and when not to. I'm afraid that went I make a move she'll push me away. When she pushes me away I feel rejected. I told her how I felt when she pushes me away and she says "I don't push you away, I'm just tired" I understand that she gets tired but it seems like every time I want to fool around she's is more tired then when I don't want to fool around.
I really feel unattracted when she pushes me away. I also told her that and she responds with "honey I love you and you're not unattracted." I know she put on a little weight after the last baby and I tell her how pretty she is. I also tell her she's so sexy. She knows I mean that also. So anyone got any advice?
I'm sure you're the sexy beast she fell in love with. You two just have a lot on your plates right now. So try not to take this personally -- it's not about her lack of desire for you, but a lack of desire period. She's spending all her energy right now just keeping things going. Help her to find some ways to recharge her emotional batteries. This from a mother who has a toddler in the house full time _and_ works full time -- believe me, I've been in her shoes.
How about doing some stuff to physically reconnect without the pressure of sex? Give her a massage. Then, don't push it any further. Lay together and hold her while she talks about her pressures, etc. Be sympathetic. Let her know that you'd like to get closer, but tell her it's up to her to give you a clear signal. Let her know this is out of love and respect for her.
Start doing some little romantic gestures -- like a surprise piece of jewelry (or something she likes -- doesn't have to be expensive, just something you'd give a pretty girl you had a crush on), night out to dinner without the kids (you arrange the babysitter), an afternoon at the spa for her while you watch the kids. Again, with no pressure for sex -- just to be nice.
Pack a picnic lunch and take her and the kids to the park. Bring along a mixtape with silly love songs. Make her laugh. Again, no pressure. You know -- reconnect on an emotional level with her. That will make her feel better about herself, not just about the two of you, which she says is fine (and from the way she says it, I believe her).
Also ask her what she's missing about herself as she used to be, before the kids, pressures, etc. and try to find some way that, for an hour a day, she can get that back, whether it's a pottery class, dancing to the stereo, going to visit with girlfriends, whatever.
Sex will follow once she feels alive inside again and reconnected with you. From what she's telling you, I think she's more than physically tired. She loves you and will want you again, but just feels emotionally drained. For women, sex starts in the head and heart. This is a symptom of something that's happened inside her -- not necessarily between the two of you.
Gosh, this is such a common problem, and I think there are probably a lot of factors involved, and I think they may somewhat different in each situation. My husband and I had this same problem for quite a long time. I recently have gotten my libido back, and I think a few different things contributed to this.
First of all, I was depressed due to a severe problem with one of my children. I went to counseling, and started taking an anti-depressant. I think this was the biggest factor for me. Another thing that happened, was I lost the weight I had gained when pregnant with my children. The last thing, and this is another biggie, was I started seeing myself as a sexual person again, and not just a Mom. I just started taking my sexuality, and marriage, seriously. Trying to dress a little more sexy, instead of sweats all the time. I got some pretty underwear, instead of granny panties, and some pretty nighties. I also started to think about, and discuss with my husband, different ways I could be more sexually fulfilled in our sexual relationship.
My husband has said he feels like he has a new wife now. I think the major thing was just starting to feel good about myself and my life again. It is so hard when you have very small children, who are basically on top of you all day. I know when it came time for bed, not only was I exhausted, but I was so relieved to not have anyone touching me or calling Mommy. I just wanted to lay down by myself, and maybe read a book for a minute, or sometimes just sleep.
I was reading just yesterday, some good information on <removed> about this very subject. It is in the questions section of the site. I think maybe if you could get a baby sitter for the kids, and take your wife out somewhere, and have a frank discussion about this, it would really help. Realize that you may have to work a little harder in fulfilling a need of your wife's, maybe helping out more, or conversing more, in order to get her to work harder at fulfilling your sexual needs.
Do some reading on marriagebuilders.com, and then set a time to talk to your wife. Also, I have seen a few recommendations on this site for a book called "The Sex Starved Marriage", that addresses this issue, I have not read it however.
Good luck to you, and don't give up, I think there is a solution to your problem with a little work.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 22nd February 2005 at 1:08 AM..
Reason: Removed external URL
Just a quick question. My wife said that she lost her libido too but after 2 years it turns out she realy has no more sexual desire for me. Is this how you felt or was it sex alltogether you had no intrest in?
Thanks uriel. Just to clear a little air here. She don't take care of the kids When they get home from school I tend to them. I also give here a massage every other night (sometimes every night) . I bought her a new ring a few days ago and I got into a little trouble for it. She said she's not into that and she always told me that. As for the mix tape, I played the one I made when we first started to date. We go to the park every weekend with the kids to let them burn off a lot of steam. Now we haven't had a picnic lately but I did take her out to eat a nice steak house for lunch one day. I even cook dinner for her and the kids every night. Believe it or not I like to cook.
My wife says she feels fat after having the kids and I try so hard to make her feel sexy and pretty but I don't think it works.
Thanks Matilda. I'll do some reading on that site you suggested.
What I'm trying to say isn't that you're not romancing her enough or doing your share. What I'm getting at is the same thing as Matilda. Your wife is emotionally drained. It has to do with how she feels about herself and what her life is giving back to her right now.
Maybe she does feel unattractive because of the baby fat. Maybe she also has lost touch with whatever makes her spark -- hobbies, friends, ambitions, whatever.
It's that sense of herself and her vitality that she needs to get back. I was suggesting your treating her as apparently you already do as one way of helping to reinforce her sense of self-esteem. If that's not doing it, then it's really about some other connection she needs to make.
This advice has helped me a lot, I'm going through this in my marriage, but it is me who doesnt want to have sex
with my husband. He feels like I am pushing him away, and he has a very big sex drive. We have recently been arguing about it a lot. I'm starting to feel like maybe I should go and see a doctor about it If I dont I'm afraid I
might lose my marriage
I just went through this with my husband, and it is hard. Yes, you could romance her, shower her with attention and if it works, wonderful. It did not work for my husband. I did not realize how important it was to my husband for us to have sex. I could not understand because it had become so routine and just boring. He did not talk to me about it....he yelled about it, and he would sulk about it and we would fight about it, but by the time it was "talked" about, I was not listening.
Now, I am not the only one to blame here though either. I needed the passion, the excitement of sex, where he just wanted sex. I did not communicate this to him, nor did I take the steps to add that back into our marriage. The worst part is, had there been any passion, I would have been begging for it, and that would have been the end of the problem.
He ended up cheating on me. I found out 7 months later and was devastated. It was like being thrown into a pool of ice water! It was just sex, I read the e-mails between him and this girl, and I am convinced that is all there was to it, not that it makes it any better, or is it an acceptable solution. (please don't do this if you truly love your spouse) but it did make it easier, knowing that there was not someone else he was emotionally intimate with.
We are in counseling now with a great therapist, we are talking more than we have in many years, our sex life is through the roof and both of our needs are being met. If you can genuinely communicate with her, you need to. There is probably something she is lacking in her life somewhere, it may not be anything you can fix, but hopefully just being able to communicate will put a solution in motion for you both.
Maddy~ I really recommend finding a way to be close to your hubby, I have always heard people say, if you dont take care of your man, someone else will, well, it is true, and you dont want to go through that. I dont wish that on anyone.
I know it sounds so sexist, but I am not willing to walk away from this marriage yet. I have always loved my husband, and I committed to this marriage "for better or for worse" I just had to dig deep to find where my priorities were. The happiness of not only me and my husband were at stake, but our children's happiness was as well and I was not willing to give up w/o giving it my best shot!
Slick,
Visit this web site: www.fivelovelanguages.com You will find what you need there. Your wife has told you that buying her gifts isn't her thing. There are other things you can do:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Quality Time
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
These are the five love languages. We did a heavy study of this book in our Sunday School. It has opened our eyes to a lot!!!! You told us about all the wonderful things you do for her, but, if you don't know what it is that she needs, you'll never be able to renew your relationship with her. There are free resources on the site you can use too. Try it out, you won't be disappointed!!
__________________
"The conscience water saw it's maker, and blushed" - Water to Wine......
Moose's list is a good start, I would add two other suggestions. First, there is the theory of bids and turns. What this means is that when she approaches you, you need to respond in a loving manner, whether it's about the groceries, the kids, or something she needs help with around the house. The theory is that a successful marriage needs five positive interactions to make up for every negative one.
The other thing I would offer is that women often just get bored in bed. We want to be cherished and appreciated for our physical selves sure, but we also want to be surprised. Sex can't follow a pattern or formula and stay hot. Now I would caution you, I said surprise her - not SCARE her. You know your wife better than anyone, so I'm sure you'll be sensitive enough to not try those things that she would find weird or objectionable. Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moose
Slick,
Visit this web site: www.fivelovelanguages.com You will find what you need there. Your wife has told you that buying her gifts isn't her thing. There are other things you can do:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Quality Time
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
These are the five love languages. We did a heavy study of this book in our Sunday School. It has opened our eyes to a lot!!!! You told us about all the wonderful things you do for her, but, if you don't know what it is that she needs, you'll never be able to renew your relationship with her. There are free resources on the site you can use too. Try it out, you won't be disappointed!!
hey "loyalhubby" you hit the nail on the head with your post. There are all different types of women and i think you and I married twins. (or at least the same type of woman)
When my wife rejects any advance I ever made to her, to me she's saying "i dont really love you enough to want to be intimate with you". Sex is lust for some, but for me its a loving spiritual bonding experience that tells her how much I love her. When she rejects every form of that, it tells me she's really saying "I dont want you to love me anymore".
And what I want to say back is "I DONT WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH ME IN RETURN". So as time passes, I find myself loving her so much that I avoid being with her and try to get away from her ...because I think thats what she wants. And I do it because I think thats what makes her happy. I start sleeping in another room, on the couch, at the office etc... simply because I know she doesnt want any affection. And also because I dont trust myself sleeping next to her... i know that if I see her I'll be tempted to put another move on her... only to be rejected. My wife is so damn hot... she's really the only one that turns me on. She hangs out in her underwear in front of me and drives me nuts. It's hard cause I know I cant touch her. So once again, I avoid her so i dont have the chance to be rejected again. I make very good money, have a very nice house, good looking, I'm a great father, I have never cheated, and have a non-controlling personality and I honor and respect my wife... maybe thats not what women want. Yes we have kids, and yes I know they drain her once in a while, but give me a freakin break here. I took someone's advise and went on a romantic aniversary get away where I spent almost $2k on the room, she put on her night gown watched TV and went to sleep while reading a book. (i should have just stayed home and masterbated).
Not that I would, but I'm trying to understand why these types of wives would even care if their husband got another date. Women, can you at least meet your husband half way? To starve a husband from a spiritual bond with his soulmate just because you don't happen to feel like it or not in the mood is damn cruel. Why don’t you just Fake it ....because you know thats how we express our deepest love for you. If you dont let us love you.... then yes, we will get the hint that you only want a casual friendship and just up and leave one day. BECAUSE THATS WHAT WE THINK YOU WANT.
I am dealing with a similar issue with my husband.
After my second child, things started going down hill in the bedroom, yet we still made love on a regular basis. Then I became pregnant again with my last child and since the day I found out I was pregnant I have lost almost all desire to do anything with him. I am drained and tired all of the time.
I work full time, I come home and I am Mom full time to three children & most of the evening I am alone because he works later than I do. He usually comes home around 10pm on average. We are having a lot of arguments and this is the basis of all of them. Its very frustrating because I tell him exactly what I need. He does not really respond. I tell him that I need help with the kids, I need more sleep, and help around the house (we both work full time at least 40 hours a week).
We are not in a financial position to let me stay home and not work so thats not an option. It seems as if he ignores my requests for help. I have tried to ask several different t ways but the only thing I get is help for that day, maybe the next day if I am lucky, and then everything goes right back to normal. Me doing all the kid raising and all the house work and working full time...
I started crying when I read some of these responses because I kind of felt like I was the only one. But I am drained, I am emotionally and physically drained and I don't really know what to do.
We still date and go out every so often, he is still "courting me" as they say, we try to take a vacation every year somewhere just me and him. We are fine then, but when we come back to reality, its the same old song everyday...
Anyone have anything to say about this? What should I do to get his attention and let him know I cant do this alone anymore? What should I do to get help from him with raising our kids and helping with household chores? I am lost!
I was/am in your wife's boat, when I was 70 lbs heavier he still loved me, but I felt *sex* was just another obligation besides the endless chores and family responsibilities and working full time. Aside having him come home and simply do his own thing while I tended to the rest,left me angered and resentful, so knowing that *making love* for him meant being close, I pulled away from him knowing that if I gave in to that feeling he *had* my body only but not my love or mind. It wasn't there. The routine became boring and I didn't enjoy it anymore. I mean, I like sex, once I was fully into it, but I'd never initiate it.
It was like a part of me was withdrawing from him because I knew how important it was to him, whereas the things I asked for went alongside blindly - help with the kids, the chores, quality time, talking nice, doing things for me without being asked, spending time together doing stuff, not just drinking.
It felt like he went to work, came home, drank, watched tv, ate dinner and layed in bed ready.......and I became more irritated and felt like - oh don't talk to me about my feelings, but man come bedtime - you're ready for something. anything. I even went to see a doctor because he thought it was my libido - didn't matter how many sexy panties I owned now. It wasn't there, and the medicine doesn't help me because in my mind remains - he's not giving me, I'm not giving him. And I don't care.
Terrible attitude really, because I know its all he lives for - well alot of times, and it's the one thing that I have control over him, and not the other way around.
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