The w won't leave me alone

[shamelesswendy]

It's been 0ver 6 months since I last spoke to my MM and his frigging w keeps writing to me and emailing me. She's not threatening me but it's a pain. I've moved on and couldn't care less about MM and his problems. I think she wants a response but I don't know what I would say. She knows more about me then he did! Is this stalking? Any one else have this experience?

[CeeJayXX]

What is she saying to you?....Is it something you can answer?...

[amaysngrace]

hi. i have never been in your situation. however, i do think that what she's doing goes along the lines of harrassment. in order to make it officially harrassment, your harrasser needs to know that what she is doing bothers you. have you ever expressed to her that you wish she would leave you alone?

[shamelesswendy]

She goes on about how little I had and how pitiful and remorseless I am. She does ask some questions about why I did it. She talks about how she was in a bad way and how he was vulnerable and I took advantage. She asks about my feelings, stuff like that. I think she's trying to check the facts. Also seems like she wants me to feel intruded upon like she does- revenge!

[shamelesswendy]

I have had the police call and tell her to stop but how far do I want to go? How far will I really get anyway? Do you think she'll just get tired of it? It's been about three letters over time. I've heard that some folks actually set up blogs about their spouse's A.

[Art_Critic]

there is only one answer to this..

Change your email address

 

If she sends letters.. return them to sender...

[CeeJayXX]

BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK!

 

Block her from being able to send anything to you....or better yet, set it up so when she sends you an email have an automatic reply sent back to her that says your out of the office....(I realize that you are more than likely at home....)

 

Keep all emails that she does send you...just in case you need them.

 

I think any reply you give her should be very vague and generalized....(eg: sometimes people do things for the wrong reasons.....or .....usually an A takes two ..... and if it happens more than once, those two people are both consenting....).

 

maybe that will answer her curiousities....

[amaysngrace]

i would cut off all contact with her immediately. she obviously is having a tough time handling her husband's adultery, but that is not your problem. he is the one who married her and took vows with her. you are not this woman's therapist, which is what she seems to need the most. i think you have been more than generous with her so far and have paid for any past grievances she may have against you. do whatever you feel you must to get rid of her.

[lovernotafighter]

I think it would depend...if your MM sicked her on you than answer everything she asked truthfully...it's his fault she's beating down your door than sure.

 

if it was a accident..be as cordial and comforting as possible and don't give to much away.

 

either way though..be nice...she is in intense pain,try to look at it from her prospective and show compassion.

[CeeJayXX]

(Im following you around the boards lovernotafighter...sorry...lol)

 

Definitely agree with the statement above....(didnt mention it before)...If MM sent his W after you for answers.....unlock the jaw and let it roll. I would turn him in for every nook and cranny.......

 

I wouldnt be solely played the fool in a group activity.

[lovernotafighter]

(Im following you around the boards lovernotafighter...sorry...lol)

 

(your following me? yay! )

 

 

I wouldnt be solely played the fool in a group activity.

ohh I like that quote,I'm adding that to my memory bank.

[Seen_It_All]

No doubt, she's probably not getting the truth from him. He's probably lying his butt off to her and she wants the truth. Naturally, you're the next avenue she'd pursue.

 

I don't know if your profile is being facetious or not, but you wrote that you 'love to pursue married men until they have sex with you,' (paraphrased).

 

If you really mean it and you pursue married men just for "the sport of it," then you should probably be prepared to have alot of BW's contacting you in the future.

[LongTallSally]

yeah, i agree with the people who say you should tell her eveything. then maybe her husband will get her to stop.

 

i have a feeling her pain is greater than yours, but her behavior has to stop. it's not helping anyone.

[No Stress Lady]

It's been 0ver 6 months since I last spoke to my MM and his frigging w keeps writing to me and emailing me. She's not threatening me but it's a pain. I've moved on and couldn't care less about MM and his problems. I think she wants a response but I don't know what I would say. She knows more about me then he did! Is this stalking? Any one else have this experience?

 

Well, change your email address for a start.

 

So how does she know where you live? How many people knew about your affair? I'm quite intrigued that you say she was sent "an anonymous letter" - were you perhaps not very discreet?

[My_Other_I]

I have a feeling that this is another BW posting as the OW. Why, why, why..

As for a proof of my assumption, look up the profile.

[amaysngrace]

I have a feeling that this is another BW posting as the OW. Why, why, why..

As for a proof of my assumption, look up the profile.

 

you know, i think you're right. why would someone do this?

[OzGirl]

My ex-MM's rang me once asking me for the truth about some things.

 

Instead of answering the specific questions, I said to her that she didn't justify her choice to stay with a man who has betrayed her on the deepest of levels, by blaming me for his choice to do this to her. I, as the OW, could have been any woman... I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I said to her that her questions all have one answer - clearly, she doesn't trust her husband.

 

She told me I was right, and never rang me again.

 

My guess is the W is angry that she has been placed in this position of choice, and BOTH options suck tremendously, and it's an involuntary place to be in. Leaving or staying - they are both hideous for her, I'm sure, as it's a result of him forcing her into this. There's a massive lack of control over that situation, too, for her.

 

So, she's created choice number three. Stay with him, but deny the reasons she has to leave, by saying it's a third party who did this to them, not him.

 

What I said to my MM's W worked in ending the questions. If it didn't, I would have ignored her. There was a mild risk responding to her would open up continued communication, but I think what I told her (which applied to our situation) was right, and she knew it, and I was basically hand-balling her problems back to her, rather than letting her off-load them onto me. If it hadn't have worked, I would have ignored her anyway as specific questions to me would have led me to conclude with what I'd already said to her.

 

Blocking emails and returning mail to sender is what I would do in order to ignore her, after I'd called her and made it clear - you contact me again in ANY way, shape or form, you will take action against harrassment in a legal manner. And, you can't say that if you're not prepared to do it. Be prepared to do it.

[erika2610]

you know, i think you're right. why would someone do this?

 

 

Betrayed spouses have been coming in here quite often lately from what I see, masquerading as OW. They try to play themselves off as OW who have no shame.. because that's what alot of them see us as. They come here and

write posts that sound like stereotypical OW. I don't know why they do this. Some of them just take out their frustrations, at least in a couple of other threads I've read. It's really annoying though.. especially because you can tell they're BS's

[OzGirl]

I guess BS's want answers, and think if they pose to be one of us, or accuse us of (essentially) being what they perceive the individual OW is in their individual situation, they will get the results they're after.

 

I'm sorry I've played a part in the bizarre love triangle that once was.

 

BUT, if you're a wife, you have to accept that:

 

1. Your husband let this happen to your marriage. Whether it was instigated by him, or he was pursued. Whether it was for sex, or a deeply involved emotional affair. It was HIS choice to do this to YOUR marriage. HE is the common denominator in this situation, not the OW.

 

2. Your anger is okay and most OW know what it's like to feel angry with the same man you do. They're not your enemy. They're someone who shares something in common with you. Your husband.

 

3. You'll only ever get biased or generalised information here that you can apply to your own situation. At the end of the day, sometimes bad things happen to good people. Your choices are either going to make you move forward or backward or no where from where you are at any given point in time. If you want to move forward - either resolving your marriage or dissolving your marriage, move forward. Your answers are going to be concluded by you. These forums are only a piece in the puzzle of determining your conclusions. Your husband, his honesty, commitment, behaviour and communication with you from this point onward is a big factor along with your own thoughts on the risks of staying with him - to maybe do it to you all over again - but this time, with the precedence of getting away with it already out there.

 

Attack the OW in whichever way you want.

 

But all you're achieving is a re-inforcement to these OW the belief that the MM in their lives have grounds to stray, because you also generally represent the person they clearly have little real knowledge of or respect for. You make it easier for them to reciprocate the lack of concern.

[CeeJayXX]

[quote=

BUT, if you're a wife, you have to accept that:

 

1. Your husband let this happen to your marriage. Whether it was instigated by him, or he was pursued. Whether it was for sex, or a deeply involved emotional affair. It was HIS choice to do this to YOUR marriage. HE is the common denominator in this situation, not the OW.

 

I just have to comment here. I am an OW....and would like to know, why it matters who started what? My MM and I have this ongoing joke about who initiated the A but in all reality, it doesn't make a lick of difference who kissed who, who touched who. We are in this together. We made our choices together and make our decisions regarding our relationship daily - together.

 

Doesn't matter if my eyelashes were batting his way or if he through a suttle hint to me.....we made the choice together to pursue the relationship and carry it on for years.

[lovernotafighter]

I have a feeling that this is another BW posting as the OW. Why, why, why..

As for a proof of my assumption, look up the profile.

yeah your right.

[RecordProducer]

OzGirl, I agree with you. I also always say that it's the MM that chose to cheat, the OW - good or bad - is no concern of the wife whatsoever.

 

I only disagree that they are not enemies; they are natural enemies, like dogs and cats or cats and mice. I would definitely hate the OW with all my heart, but it would only be a biased, irrational emotion. It's Ok to hate the OW; it's not OK to BLAME the OW for the affair!

 

See, if some really great and attractive guy hit on me now, I would NEVER cheat on my husband, because I love him. It totally doesn't matter whether we have a marriage crisis or not. As long as I love him, I just couldn't do it to him. It would break my heart to hurt him even if I knew that he would never ever find out about it.

 

And even without putting all the blame on the MM (let's say we're open-minded enough to justify his actions), it's still HIS choice to be unfaithful. If anyone can pick someone up because they were weak at the moment (horny, angry, lonely, drunk, disappointed, whatever...) then it's a matter of the cheater's character flaw, not the OW's shamelessness.

 

I think the whole hateful philosophy toward the OW revolves around the temptation that she put the MM in. That actually pretty much makes sense. However, I would wish (and hope) to have a husband that would not cheat on me no matter what.

 

I have cheated under these two circumstances:

 

1. When I totally didn't care about the guy; and

2. When I was 100% sure that he didn't care about me.

 

I've been the OW in two circumstances also:

 

1. When he didn't tell me he was married, then I found out and he said they were separated (I was 19 and it lasted for a couple weeks). As soon as I found out he lied about that and actually lived with his wife normally, I dumped him.

 

2. I had a one-night stand with a MM; it was HIS choice, although I started the flirting thing. He should've thought about his wife and kid at the time - not me!

[mopar crazy]

I just have to comment here. I am an OW....and would like to know, why it matters who started what? My MM and I have this ongoing joke about who initiated the A but in all reality, it doesn't make a lick of difference who kissed who, who touched who. We are in this together. We made our choices together and make our decisions regarding our relationship daily - together.

 

Doesn't matter if my eyelashes were batting his way or if he through a suttle hint to me.....we made the choice together to pursue the relationship and carry it on for years.

 

 

I have to comment on this b4 I comment to the OP. The OW persued my H, for three years so yes I do blame part of the A on her. No, he didn't have to choose to have an A w/ her, he could of said no to her advancements and he didn't. We were having a hard time in our M (his own damn fault) and he turned to the OW to get his needs met b/c I wasn't doing it for him. She knew he was M from the very beginning. She even knew me, even tried being my friend but only to get closer to H. They both had a choice her. She chose to persue him and he chose to fall for her charm.

I'm not here to bash any OW here on this board, I just know what I went through and I know the OW personally. I know the way she works, I know what she thinks about MM or men in CR. She doesn't care if they are MM or men in CR. She flat out told me she didn't care, if she wants something she is going after it.

 

As a former OW to a man in a CR (M her after I ended it) she had ever right to blame me for our A. I knew he was in a CR but I didn't care. I was in love and only cared about making myself happy b/c I wanted to be w/ him so badly. I was young then and was extremely selfish. I didn't think of how much it would of hurt her. I just wanted him so badly her feelings didn't mean anything to me.

 

To the OP: I wonder if the BW think she still has needs answers from you about the A. Maybe she is still worried that the A is still continuing. She should start asking her H questions and leaving you alone about this as it has been 6 months. I know I called the exOW and asked her ?'s also but that was at the time of the A. She denied the A. We were both very polite to eachother the first two phone calls I made to her. The first phone call I made was b/c of the rumors I heard about them so I confronted her about it. She of course laughed and lied about it. The second phone call I told her that H and I were thinking about reconciling our M I wanted her to leave him alone. She said they were just friends, blah, blah, blah.

The third call I wasn't so nice. I found out that she asked my H for a ride home from the mechanics shop. H called and told me b4 I heard it from someone else. I blew up at him, and her. I told her to stay the F@CK away from him until we decided what we were going to do about our M, D or not. That day I got a letter from H's lawyer stating I need to leave the OW alone or she would take legal actions. I LMBO! My lawyer asked me not to blow the roof off his office when I read it b/c he thought I was going to be extremely pissed off, I wasn't at the time, I just thought it was hilarious. When I got out of my appt I called H and asked him WTH he had his lawyer right that paper up about me leaving the OW alone. He told me she would go into his office and bitch to him that I was calling her and she was getting sick of it so he had his lawyer write that up. I guess she couldn't handle the W calling her and ragging her out. Guess that is what she gets when she messes around w/ a MM. H wasn't the first MM she had an A w/ and I'm sure he wont be the last.

[No Stress Lady]

Judging by the OP's total lack of response to this thread I'm pretty convinced she/he is a troll.

[shamelesswendy]

Please see my other thread. I am not a BS. I feel I have been open and honest with everyone and am appalled by the judgement that there are only one kind of OW out there, the romantic ones. My MM and I had a lot of passion and that's what I wanted. I had my inner conflicts but mainly about wanting more time and more freedom to do public things with the OW. We never got to do anything except in a room, if you know what I mean. I was polite and civil about the break up- it was a work site A so I could've gotten messy. That being said- I appreciate All of the conversation. It has helped me see something of the BS side. I guess she hates me. I don't want to change my e-mail but I guess that would be easiest. I talked to someone who said it would be near impossible to get any action around harassment. I've already changed my cell phone and moved(not because of her) so that would be the last straw. Sorry to have stimulated so much anxiety!