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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 16th March 2017, 11:28 PM   #1
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Surprised to find myself here

I've been a longtime loveshack user. As of late, I've been lurking a lot but I have been too ashamed to post because I KNOW better. I even considered making another username to share this story, but that would be the easy way out.

I'll make is as brief as possible:

I've known this man for two years. We met through his then girlfriends friend circle at a wedding. We have always gotten along well, but we live in different states so contact is sporadic with me visiting there and the occasional text messages. Last year in July, he texted me that he liked me. I told him that he had a girlfriend and he needed to keep that information to himself because nothing would come of it. For reference, I'm 27 and he is 44.

He proposed to his girlfriend in August shortly after. I still visited his home state several times after the proposal and everything was platonic and no mention of him liking me or flirting occurred.

In December, he invited me on a trip with him and his fiancee in another city. I agreed. His fiancee ended up canceling last minute. That left the two of us in another city alone together. We ended up in bed together but I did not sleep with him. I knew it was wrong. We do have a great connection but the guilt was too much for me. I flew home.

He continued to text me after I got home. I admit, I liked the attention. He admitted that it was wrong but he couldn't stop thinking about me. We continued our daily text conversations.

I flew out of town for work a few weeks later. He booked a ticket to visit me in that city during that time. I didn't tell him not to even though I knew I should. I haven't felt that connected to someone in a long time and I wanted to see if there was something more there. I knew when he got out of the cab that I was in deep. I had two of the best days with him up there.

During this trip, he told me he loved me. He said he would walk away from his fiancee if we could be together. He was 100% serious. I told him that I did not want to be the reason for breaking up his relationship and that I could not commit fully to that relationship not knowing the fall out from his current relationship. I would also have to move to his state since he can only perform his job in that state. (We had variations of this conversation for the last few months.)

Still I didn't end it. He ended up flying to my home city a few weeks later. Again, we had a great time but I told him that I couldn't keep going like this with the guilt. He asked me to commit and I refused. I told him it was unfair to ask me to commit to him when he was already in another committed relationship.

We continued texting but I refused to allow him to come back out for anymore trips. I was very clear with him that if he was getting married, I was pulling away and that I was going to let him go. I told him no more texts, phone calls, emails, etc. I was going to go completely ghost.

His wedding was last weekend. It was the most uncomfortable experience of my entire life. He told me the night before the wedding that I still had time to commit. Our last conversation was at the bar after the ceremony. He approached me and I said some ugly things to him.

I cried my entire way back home the day after the wedding. I know cutting off contact was the best thing for both of us. I just don't know if I should have committed. There's so many things that have happened and reminded me of him in the last few days that I can't tell him about. I don't feel like he was manipulative at all and I know that he really did love me. I just can't reconcile past the deceitful start.

I think I am just looking for support that I did the right thing. I also deserve the mean comments too. I made the poor decision to become invested with someone who was already committed.
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Old 16th March 2017, 11:35 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post
I've been a longtime loveshack user. As of late, I've been lurking a lot but I have been too ashamed to post because I KNOW better. I even considered making another username to share this story, but that would be the easy way out.

I'll make is as brief as possible:

I've known this man for two years. We met through his then girlfriends friend circle at a wedding. We have always gotten along well, but we live in different states so contact is sporadic with me visiting there and the occasional text messages. Last year in July, he texted me that he liked me. I told him that he had a girlfriend and he needed to keep that information to himself because nothing would come of it. For reference, I'm 27 and he is 44.

He proposed to his girlfriend in August shortly after. I still visited his home state several times after the proposal and everything was platonic and no mention of him liking me or flirting occurred.

In December, he invited me on a trip with him and his fiancee in another city. I agreed. His fiancee ended up canceling last minute. That left the two of us in another city alone together. We ended up in bed together but I did not sleep with him. I knew it was wrong. We do have a great connection but the guilt was too much for me. I flew home.

He continued to text me after I got home. I admit, I liked the attention. He admitted that it was wrong but he couldn't stop thinking about me. We continued our daily text conversations.

I flew out of town for work a few weeks later. He booked a ticket to visit me in that city during that time. I didn't tell him not to even though I knew I should. I haven't felt that connected to someone in a long time and I wanted to see if there was something more there. I knew when he got out of the cab that I was in deep. I had two of the best days with him up there.

During this trip, he told me he loved me. He said he would walk away from his fiancee if we could be together. He was 100% serious. I told him that I did not want to be the reason for breaking up his relationship and that I could not commit fully to that relationship not knowing the fall out from his current relationship. I would also have to move to his state since he can only perform his job in that state. (We had variations of this conversation for the last few months.)

Still I didn't end it. He ended up flying to my home city a few weeks later. Again, we had a great time but I told him that I couldn't keep going like this with the guilt. He asked me to commit and I refused. I told him it was unfair to ask me to commit to him when he was already in another committed relationship.

We continued texting but I refused to allow him to come back out for anymore trips. I was very clear with him that if he was getting married, I was pulling away and that I was going to let him go. I told him no more texts, phone calls, emails, etc. I was going to go completely ghost.

His wedding was last weekend. It was the most uncomfortable experience of my entire life. He told me the night before the wedding that I still had time to commit. Our last conversation was at the bar after the ceremony. He approached me and I said some ugly things to him.

I cried my entire way back home the day after the wedding. I know cutting off contact was the best thing for both of us. I just don't know if I should have committed. There's so many things that have happened and reminded me of him in the last few days that I can't tell him about. I don't feel like he was manipulative at all and I know that he really did love me. I just can't reconcile past the deceitful start.

I think I am just looking for support that I did the right thing. I also deserve the mean comments too. I made the poor decision to become invested with someone who was already committed.
wasnt that he mentioned that he is willing to leave his gf for you?
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Old 16th March 2017, 11:42 PM   #3
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You did the right thing lets be real here you know deep down this man can't be trusted, you will never have him, just look at how he treats the woman he married. I really feel for his now wife. You may not realize it now but you've dodged years of pain and heartache.
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Old 16th March 2017, 11:53 PM   #4
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wasnt that he mentioned that he is willing to leave his gf for you?
He did. But my issue is twofold. My first issue is that he may grow to resent me later in life if he leaves her for me. I feel like that relationship should be over because it's over, not because he found someone new. Maybe that's weird thinking.

Two, I'm not sure if I would have been able to get over the deceitful start. This relationship started on lies, can it ever grow to be something positive and healthy?
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Old 16th March 2017, 11:54 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by SeenNotHeard View Post
You did the right thing lets be real here you know deep down this man can't be trusted, you will never have him, just look at how he treats the woman he married. I really feel for his now wife. You may not realize it now but you've dodged years of pain and heartache.
He hasn't cheated in his 25 odd years of dating or on his first wife. FWIW, I believe him on that. He told me that he didn't know girls like me existed out in the world. He was also unflinchingly honest with me about everything else.

I do agree though that I don't know if I would be able to get over the dishonest start.
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Old 17th March 2017, 12:54 AM   #6
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My take on it is that but for the age difference, you screwed up.

People find themselves in unforeseen circumstances all the time. He was attracted to you, he crossed a line with you, and unlike 99% of other men out there:

Quote:
He said he would walk away from his fiancee if we could be together. He was 100% serious.
I walked away from my almost fiancee over 25 years ago for the woman I'm married to today. The details of my story are different, but the arc of the story is the same as yours, except you said NO.

Quote:
But my issue is twofold. My first issue is that he may grow to resent me later in life if he leaves her for me. I feel like that relationship should be over because it's over, not because he found someone new. Maybe that's weird thinking.
There are plenty of chances why it might not work out. He might have ended up hating you for all you know. But to fear he'd resent you because he left his fiancee for you? First, who would care at that point? and second, who rightly could blame you for a decision he made? It wasn't like you lobbied for it, or tried to trick him into it.

Quote:
Two, I'm not sure if I would have been able to get over the deceitful start. This relationship started on lies, can it ever grow to be something positive and healthy?
It sure can, because he would have made things right with her, and he would have done the right thing for you.

Quote:
I think I am just looking for support that I did the right thing. I also deserve the mean comments too. I made the poor decision to become invested with someone who was already committed.
But he wasn't committed. He was on his way to commitment. He still had options. You're not married until you're married.

Let me remind you of one last thing:
Quote:
I cried my entire way back home the day after the wedding.
There's a reason for that. In my opinion, you blew it. I'm thinking deep down inside, at least a part of you is with me on that.

Today, you're not happy, he's married to a woman he's not completely in love with (don't know why he did that, but that's on him) and she has a husband who's not completely in love with her, and he loves someone else, and she has no idea. It's all f*cked up for everybody.

Maybe you should have asked here in advance and gotten some different perspectives. Maybe it would have helped, maybe your decision would be better reinforced. Too late now.
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Old 17th March 2017, 7:31 AM   #7
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You did know better but you did do the right thing when it mattered. Breathe. Life goes on. The world keeps turning. Plenty more men available, this one ain't special. You're gonna find the one that is and this fella won't even be a memory. You know that's the truth.
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Old 17th March 2017, 7:44 AM   #8
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So close...

But yes, you did the right thing. You will never know for certain if things would have been different if you proceeded, you only know it after the story ends( usually sad). What you did here is not to go into a road which said 'no entry'.. people do break these rules but not everyone ( infact fat chance) is happy breaking it at the end.

You are free now...let your hair down and have fun .
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Old 17th March 2017, 8:39 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post
He hasn't cheated in his 25 odd years of dating or on his first wife. FWIW, I believe him on that. He told me that he didn't know girls like me existed out in the world. He was also unflinchingly honest with me about everything else.

I do agree though that I don't know if I would be able to get over the dishonest start.
you were or are not ready to commit and more than likely there
is a valid reason....don't beat yourself up over this
you seem like an awesome lady and I am sure you will meet someone
equally as awesome sooner rather than later
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Old 17th March 2017, 8:42 AM   #10
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I do agree though that I don't know if I would be able to get over the dishonest start.
...and the fact he led on his fiancée, and even married her, whilst supposedly sooooo in love with you.
He stroked her ego and her bits, whilst declaring his undying love for you...
What kind of a man does that?

The kind of a man that when YOU are 7 months pregnant with his child and the sex is a bit stale or non-existent, he is out there professing undying love to another woman...

...or the kind of a man that when SHE is 7 months pregnant is back sniffing at your door again, if it even takes him that long...
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Old 17th March 2017, 9:35 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post
I made the poor decision to become invested with someone who was already committed.

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Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post
Last year in July, he texted me that he liked me. I told him that he had a girlfriend and he needed to keep that information to himself because nothing would come of it.
Poor decision 1. You didn't cut him off

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post
I still visited his home state several times after the proposal and everything was platonic and no mention of him liking me or flirting occurred.
Poor decision 2. You knew how he felt but you still hung out or visited him

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Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post
In December, he invited me on a trip with him and his fiancee in another city. I agreed. His fiancee ended up canceling last minute. That left the two of us in another city alone together. We ended up in bed together but I did not sleep with him.
Poor decision 3. Find it hard to believe that he invited both of you? Had you even met his fiancee or talked to her by this point? If so and you still went ahead and did what you did then... Poor decision 4

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He continued to text me after I got home.
Poor decision 5. You still haven't cut him off even though he's now openly cheating on his fiancee and still getting married.

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Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post
Still I didn't end it. He ended up flying to my home city a few weeks later. Again, we had a great time but I told him that I couldn't keep going like this with the guilt.
Poor decision 6

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post

His wedding was last weekend. It was the most uncomfortable experience of my entire life. He told me the night before the wedding that I still had time to commit. Our last conversation was at the bar after the ceremony. He approached me and I said some ugly things to him.
Poor decision 7 x 10000 You still went to the wedding!!


So no it wasn't one poor decision. It was a series, a catalogue of very well informed choices you made to continue on the path you did. Choices made knowingly and with all the information laid out in the plainest form. A man getting married to another woman, the same wedding you went to.
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Old 17th March 2017, 9:36 AM   #12
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At 40+ it's not his first rodeo. He's cheated before. And if your going NC with him, I can guarantee you he's grooming his next cheating partner.
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Old 17th March 2017, 9:49 AM   #13
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He was using the ol' back up plan. But from what you said, sounds like he was serious about a relationship with you. Perhaps you weren't that serious about him....?

You did what you felt was right in that situation. No shame there.

Anyway, life goes on. People come and go in our lives and not everyone was meant to be with us until the grande finale.
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Old 17th March 2017, 9:54 AM   #14
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At 40+ it's not his first rodeo. He's cheated before. And if your going NC with him, I can guarantee you he's grooming his next cheating partner.
I agree, and whilst it is oh so flattering to think a guy loves you and he will do the whole Hollywood thing and ditch his "horrible" fiancée at the altar, questions need to be asked.

An honest straightforward decent guy would have realised he was attracted and stayed away in loyalty to his fiancée or he would have ended his engagement and then pursued the OP.

This guy is deceitful, conflict avoidant, and weak.
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Old 17th March 2017, 10:59 AM   #15
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He told me the night before the wedding that I still had time to commit.
And if you did commit, was he going to call off the wedding the night before?

Was he??

May I ask how old the poor woman he married is?
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