Push-Pull

[MidnightBlue1980]

"Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason."

 

I've seen this term here and I am just getting how it defined my "relationship" with xMM and how I contributed to it and unknowingly am creating my own misery. The more I expressed my love, the more he withdrew and was cold and ignored me. The second I ended it, did NC or was mean, he pursued me.

 

Curious about your experiences?

[DKT3]

"Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason."

 

I've seen this term here and I am just getting how it defined my "relationship" with xMM and how I contributed to it and unknowingly am creating my own misery. The more I expressed my love, the more he withdrew and was cold and ignored me. The second I ended it, did NC or was mean, he pursued me.

 

Curious about your experiences?

 

Part of the thrill is having a woman chase you, once you stop chasing it's time to turn on the I love yous, you are my soulmate stuff.

 

I have a theory that the range of emotions are what really keep women hooked in affairs. Husbands are available, thus boring...mm is unpredictable hot and cold thus exciting.

[RecentChange]

Interesting.

 

My affair was strictly physical - but even then there was a lot of push and pull.

 

I agree with DKT3, that the hot / cold, while obnoxious kept things exciting.

 

If I really wanted it and was ready to go, he would retreat with "we shouldn'ts" and just tease the heck out of me, and not let me have it.

 

If I pulled back in response, he would end up chasing.

 

If we could just have each other anytime we wanted, I am sure it wouldn't have been so tantalizing. But instead we played the forbidden fruit game. Went back and forth with who would be the "moral resister" vs. the seducer. It was all a game, and something that wouldn't exist in a normal relationship.

[burnt]

Part of the thrill is having a woman chase you, once you stop chasing it's time to turn on the I love yous, you are my soulmate stuff.

 

In my xMM's case I felt what thrilled him was HIM chasing a "new" relationship and "winning" again and again. I felt that it was the rush of conquering that he was feeding on.

 

Each time, he pulled away, there was a pause in time--end of the relationship. He set the rules that we'd be friends and nothing more. I agreed and acted EXACTLY as agreed on.

 

Then,

he started the chasing, almost as if he was chasing a new partner; he wooed, I resisted, he pushed farther, I resisted and fought back. The more I fought the harder he chased. Then finally as soon as I caved in, he got his "trophy" and the next minute pulled away. It was it as if he needed to end things just so that he could get the feeling of embarking on a new adventure again soon.

 

Some months after it was completely over, I had this thought:

my xMM was acting the same way a hunter chases its game; the faster the prey runs, the more exciting the kill. It's no fun hunting a turtle that just sits in front of you without motion; but it sure is fun to work to hunt a fast deer or a rabbit that's not making it easy for you to catch it.

 

I don't think that's what he was intending; most likely it was all subconscious.

 

I don't presume to know what was going on his mind. All I know is that

with each pull he got to have fun and the rush of thrill from me.

with each push he got to feel relieved and more connected with his wife.

 

with each pull I felt another dead end chapter starting with the same inevitable ending

with each push I felt destroyed one more time, all over again, just like the time before.

 

With each cycle of push-pull he was getting stronger and happier in his marriage.

With each cycle of push-pull I was sinking a little deeper in my own grave that I dug for myself.

 

He planned, schemed, plotted, and orchestrated the whole thing. In the end, he has benefitted; his marriage is better than ever now.

 

I didn't seduce him. I didn't lure him. But I did fall hard once he chased me. In the end, I left my marriage. Left my home state; left everything I knew and had. Now living alone.

 

He is rewarded. I am punished.

Justice served. Who am I to complain?

[MidnightBlue1980]

In my xMM's case I felt what thrilled him was HIM chasing a "new" relationship and "winning" again and again. I felt that it was the rush of conquering that he was feeding on.

 

Each time, he pulled away, there was a pause in time--end of the relationship. He set the rules that we'd be friends and nothing more. I agreed and acted EXACTLY as agreed on.

 

Then,

he started the chasing, almost as if he was chasing a new partner; he wooed, I resisted, he pushed farther, I resisted and fought back. The more I fought the harder he chased. Then finally as soon as I caved in, he got his "trophy" and the next minute pulled away. It was it as if he needed to end things just so that he could get the feeling of embarking on a new adventure again soon.

 

Some months after it was completely over, I had this thought:

my xMM was acting the same way a hunter chases its game; the faster the prey runs, the more exciting the kill. It's no fun hunting a turtle that just sits in front of you without motion; but it sure is fun to work to hunt a fast deer or a rabbit that's not making it easy for you to catch it.

 

I don't think that's what he was intending; most likely it was all subconscious.

 

I don't presume to know what was going on his mind. All I know is that

with each pull he got to have fun and the rush of thrill from me.

with each push he got to feel relieved and more connected with his wife.

 

with each pull I felt another dead end chapter starting with the same inevitable ending

with each push I felt destroyed one more time, all over again, just like the time before.

 

With each cycle of push-pull he was getting stronger and happier in his marriage.

With each cycle of push-pull I was sinking a little deeper in my own grave that I dug for myself.

 

He planned, schemed, plotted, and orchestrated the whole thing. In the end, he has benefitted; his marriage is better than ever now.

 

I didn't seduce him. I didn't lure him. But I did fall hard once he chased me. In the end, I left my marriage. Left my home state; left everything I knew and had. Now living alone.

 

He is rewarded. I am punished.

Justice served. Who am I to complain?

 

Burnt.......what a response. I am touched by your raw emotional response. I want to say that I don't think you are punished. I also had an A in my first marriage and left. He never got divorced but I survived and moved on (okay, yes I am here, but that was due to my choices, you do not have to be here like me). So will you survive and thrive. You are not punished. You are rewarded with a fresh start. Hope. A chance. Your xMM is the loser, trapped in a marriage which he can only keep alive by feeding off new blood like an emotional vampire. For him there is no hope, no future, no chance. He is the one punished not you.

[minimariah]

He is rewarded. I am punished.

 

you're an AMAZING person, burnt. you left a bad marriage and even though it might seem like xMM won... he didn't. you never know what goes on behind the closed doors - remember that. you're such a lovely soul, don't ever think you deserve to be punished.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Part of the thrill is having a woman chase you, once you stop chasing it's time to turn on the I love yous, you are my soulmate stuff.

 

I have a theory that the range of emotions are what really keep women hooked in affairs. Husbands are available, thus boring...mm is unpredictable hot and cold thus exciting.

 

So why would a guy be mean and cold when you are chasing and only be nice when you stop?

 

I had this breakthrough today as last night I asked him if he still loved me (I know, I know. It had been a month since he said it) and he wouldn't say it, say he had to be good for both of us. Then he was cold and said we could only be friends. (I'm summarizing to not write a novel). In response I said I did not want anything. I was married and nothing would ever happen again between us. Then he changed and said, I care about you so much, I am fine with that, nothing can ever happen again. And so on and so on. He then wrote a bunch of chit chat in two emails to which I did not respond and told me he would check in with me on his vacation.

 

It occurred to me this is that push pull behavior I have heard about. I just never responded this time. He seems to like when I am cold and lose interest when I say I love him.

[RecentChange]

I agree with Minimahria - Burnt, I don't give "virtual support" to many (any?) Posters but you come off as such a kind and empathic soul.

 

You don't deserve a punishment, and yes, who knows what is going on with him. Looking from the outside you never know.

 

(Heh, thinking of all our friends who think my hubby and I are the model of an ideal couple - if you think both of us having cheated is ideal!)

[DKT3]

So why would a guy be mean and cold when you are chasing and only be nice when you stop?

 

I had this breakthrough today as last night I asked him if he still loved me (I know, I know. It had been a month since he said it) and he wouldn't say it, say he had to be good for both of us. Then he was cold and said we could only be friends. (I'm summarizing to not write a novel). In response I said I did not want anything. I was married and nothing would ever happen again between us. Then he changed and said, I care about you so much, I am fine with that, nothing can ever happen again. And so on and so on. He then wrote a bunch of chit chat in two emails to which I did not respond and told me he would check in with me on his vacation.

 

It occurred to me this is that push pull behavior I have heard about. I just never responded this time. He seems to like when I am cold and lose interest when I say I love him.

 

It's simple, he loves his wife. I wish I could get you ladies to understand most of these guys do love their wives.

 

I say this all the time here, say he told you this "look i love my wife, when we have sex it's awesome, would like to have it more often because she is hot and sexy. Since she doesn't have sex with me as much as I like, or she spends alot of time with the kids, I'm going to seduce you into been my surrogate sex partner, to stroke my ego then go back into the corner until I'm ready to play with you again" I bet you would jump all over that?

 

So instead they say we are roommates, it's over, I only stay because of the kids.

 

The cruelty comes because no one is happy being a side piece. So they push for more, this takes him out of his comfort zone, you are trying to get out of the corner. So he punishes you back into your box. Once he us comfortable of fearful you may move on he pulls you back in.

 

I can tell you as a husband who was unhappily married with kids, we do leave. Selfish happy men don't.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's simple, he loves his wife. I wish I could get you ladies to understand most of these guys do love their wives.

 

I say this all the time here, say he told you this "look i love my wife, when we have sex it's awesome, would like to have it more often because she is hot and sexy. Since she doesn't have sex with me as much as I like, or she spends alot of time with the kids, I'm going to seduce you into been my surrogate sex partner, to stroke my ego then go back into the corner until I'm ready to play with you again" I bet you would jump all over that?

 

So instead they say we are roommates, it's over, I only stay because of the kids.

 

The cruelty comes because no one is happy being a side piece. So they push for more, this takes him out of his comfort zone, you are trying to get out of the corner. So he punishes you back into your box. Once he us comfortable of fearful you may move on he pulls you back in.

 

I can tell you as a husband who was unhappily married with kids, we do leave. Selfish happy men don't.

 

Ok. That makes sense. They started counseling in May so he is keeping me in the corner just in case.

 

Well, I decided to focus my attention on the person who is interested in me. My husband. Before he goes off again to another woman.

[lftbehind]

Part of the thrill is having a woman chase you, once you stop chasing it's time to turn on the I love yous, you are my soulmate stuff.

 

I have a theory that the range of emotions are what really keep women hooked in affairs. Husbands are available, thus boring...mm is unpredictable hot and cold thus exciting.

 

I think that women like feeling the good emotions in the affair, but the hot and cold is torture. It's not that the H are boring, but a lot of times they mistreat their wives. Unfortunately a lot of the time the wives go from being mistreated by the H to being mistreated by the MM. It's too bad that it's such a game to many MM.

[DKT3]

I think that women like feeling the good emotions in the affair, but the hot and cold is torture. It's not that the H are boring, but a lot of times they mistreat their wives. Unfortunately a lot of the time the wives go from being mistreated by the H to being mistreated by the MM. It's too bad that it's such a game to many MM.

 

I don't disagree, alot of times I listen to guys talk about wives and I think WTF, no wonder why you can't get laid.

 

On the flipside alot of times she isn't mistreated, rather selfish and entitled. Being selfish and entitled can make not getting your way feel like abuse and mistreatment. I've meet alot of nice guys who work their azzes off to provide while his wife sits around the house then sneaks off to bang other guys because he is working his azz off.

[lftbehind]

I don't disagree, alot of times I listen to guys talk about wives and I think WTF, no wonder why you can't get laid.

 

On the flipside alot of times she isn't mistreated, rather selfish and entitled. Being selfish and entitled can make not getting your way feel like abuse and mistreatment. I've meet alot of nice guys who work their azzes off to provide while his wife sits around the house then sneaks off to bang other guys because he is working his azz off.

 

I'm sure that happens sometimes, but for me I was mistreated and very depressed and looking for a man to care about me and have a friendship with. I know it was a mistake, but I can't leave my M yet. A lot of MM know how to tell a woman what she wants to hear and manipulate them. I'm now NC with MM.

[DKT3]

I'm sure that happens sometimes, but for me I was mistreated and very depressed and looking for a man to care about me and have a friendship with. I know it was a mistake, but I can't leave my M yet. A lot of MM know how to tell a woman what she wants to hear and manipulate them. I'm now NC with MM.

 

Here is my theory on that....mm is nothing special, most often he is less attractive then the husband and more of an a-hole. The difference is when he starts to pour attention on mw she eats it up and fills in the blanks. When a woman is in a truly bad marriage it doesn't take much.

 

Alot of times the mm isn't actually saying anything special, it's how it's received. Like my mom would say, a starving man will eat from the trash with a smile.

[Adoraxx]

"Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason."

 

I've seen this term here and I am just getting how it defined my "relationship" with xMM and how I contributed to it and unknowingly am creating my own misery. The more I expressed my love, the more he withdrew and was cold and ignored me. The second I ended it, did NC or was mean, he pursued me.

 

Curious about your experiences?

 

That definition of 'Push-Pull' is totally spot on! Sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason'... Too bad that it still makes you wonder what's the cause and the reason... I've never been able to wrap my mind around it.

 

I do feel like the xMM is like a cat toying with a mouse (me)... Just for fun. Or that he seeks me out whenever he's feeling bored or has no supply whatsoever.

 

I think my xMM is happily married. He even says so and of course that has been a reason for me to say no to sex for many years!! Although in the beginning of our A, he complained that "W works so much and I have no one to talk to when I get home" but that was simply his way of working his way in; and even then he was saying that his marriage is good. Later on, her work hours changed and ever since then they've been spending even more time together.

 

And last week I saw a picture of them on FB, him holding her in his arms, celebrating their thousand year marriage anniversary.

 

Meanwhile, he has been doing the push/ pull thing with me for so long... Which is THE reason that I'm going to move. I just can't take it anymore. It feels like such a relief each time when he contacts me again out of the blue, although at the same time there is always this feeling of dread because I know what he's capable of : which is disappearing without even telling me why.

 

Even the tiniest email of "I don't want contact anymore" would be better than this deafening silence.

 

I should block him completely on email but since I live so close to him, there's no point really because he lives too nearby to block him out completely. That is, until I have moved!!!!

 

The more I expressed my love, the more he withdrew and was cold and ignored me. The second I ended it, did NC or was mean, he pursued me.

I'm not sure why he withdrew all these many times... I've tried to stay aloof and uninterested but even that made him withdraw and ignore me. I've done the "I'm so happy that you've contacted me again!" approach too but I think that made him run away even faster.

 

All in all, I can say without a doubt that he only ever contacted me because he was horny. He only ever wanted one thing from me and that was sex. And now, over the past months and years, he has still contacted me here and there but disappeared even faster probably because he realized he wasn't going to get any anyway.

 

It sure makes you feel worthless when someone only contacts you because he is horny/ bored... I still feel like I want his love 'back' although it was probably never there to begin with. Things used to be so different though in the beginning. He even cried when I went on vacation!! But back then I was still new and exciting and now I'm just 'old supply'.

 

He told me the other day that he wants to stay in touch when I've moved. He wants to see pics of my new house, pics of me (yeah sure he does) blah blah blah. Yet he doesn't even really want contact now that I'm still here. It feels very insulting just as when your xMM said he will contact you here and there and that you can be 'just friends'.

 

Edited to add: He wanted more than just sex, he also loves/ loved the feeling of having CONTROL over me. He loves feeling in control... loves that he is able to manipulate my emotions. I remember how I told him years ago - after saying no to sex for a long time - that we could give it a 'try' (ugh, I know) and then suddenly he didn't want sex anymore and disappeared again. So def. about control too!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now that I'm thinking about it, he probably only contacts me again after pushing me away, to see if I'm still 'there' and to see if he still has that control / power over me

Edited July 30, 2016 by Adoraxx

[Grey Cloud]

That definition of 'Push-Pull' is totally spot on! Sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason'... Too bad that it still makes you wonder what's the cause and the reason... I've never been able to wrap my mind around it.

 

I do feel like the xMM is like a cat toying with a mouse (me)... Just for fun. Or that he seeks me out whenever he's feeling bored or has no supply whatsoever.

 

I think my xMM is happily married. He even says so and of course that has been a reason for me to say no to sex for many years!! Although in the beginning of our A, he complained that "W works so much and I have no one to talk to when I get home" but that was simply his way of working his way in; and even then he was saying that his marriage is good. Later on, her work hours changed and ever since then they've been spending even more time together.

 

And last week I saw a picture of them on FB, him holding her in his arms, celebrating their thousand year marriage anniversary.

 

Meanwhile, he has been doing the push/ pull thing with me for so long... Which is THE reason that I'm going to move. I just can't take it anymore. It feels like such a relief each time when he contacts me again out of the blue, although at the same time there is always this feeling of dread because I know what he's capable of : which is disappearing without even telling me why.

 

Even the tiniest email of "I don't want contact anymore" would be better than this deafening silence.

 

I should block him completely on email but since I live so close to him, there's no point really because he lives too nearby to block him out completely. That is, until I have moved!!!!

 

I'm not sure why he withdrew all these many times... I've tried to stay aloof and uninterested but even that made him withdraw and ignore me. I've done the "I'm so happy that you've contacted me again!" approach too but I think that made him run away even faster.

 

All in all, I can say without a doubt that he only ever contacted me because he was horny. He only ever wanted one thing from me and that was sex. And now, over the past months and years, he has still contacted me here and there but disappeared even faster probably because he realized he wasn't going to get any anyway.

 

It sure makes you feel worthless when someone only contacts you because he is horny/ bored... I still feel like I want his love 'back' although it was probably never there to begin with. Things used to be so different though in the beginning. He even cried when I went on vacation!! But back then I was still new and exciting and now I'm just 'old supply'.

 

He told me the other day that he wants to stay in touch when I've moved. He wants to see pics of my new house, pics of me (yeah sure he does) blah blah blah. Yet he doesn't even really want contact now that I'm still here. It feels very insulting just as when your xMM said he will contact you here and there and that you can be 'just friends'.

 

Edited to add: He wanted more than just sex, he also loves/ loved the feeling of having CONTROL over me. He loves feeling in control... loves that he is able to manipulate my emotions. I remember how I told him years ago - after saying no to sex for a long time - that we could give it a 'try' (ugh, I know) and then suddenly he didn't want sex anymore and disappeared again. So def. about control too!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now that I'm thinking about it, he probably only contacts me again after pushing me away, to see if I'm still 'there' and to see if he still has that control / power over me

 

Adoraxx -I can't wait until you move so he no longer has that control/power over you. Knowing he no longer lives next door to you will allow you to move on so much faster and will be the best thing for you!

 

The whole push/pull thing is an interesting dynamic. 2 months into my affair with xMM I sensed he was pulling away so I ended things. He then came back (within a day) twice as strong as before saying he was "obsessed" with me.

 

We have tried to remain friends since it ended 5 months ago but even then the push/pull friendship dynamic has also been apparent. But it has allowed me to see another side of him - one which is not pleasant. A side which was always there but I either failed to see or didn't want to see. I am tired of it all. I am over analysing everything he has said and being a pawn in his manipulative games. I want my life back. 10 days of NC and I have also blocked him on social media. I no longer want to be part of his world. Even as "friends" in LC, he made me feel worse not better. I am finally done! Took me a long time to get to this point but here I am and it feels good to have made a decision and move forwards once and for all! There can no longer be push/pull if there is no contact at all!!

[Adoraxx]

Adoraxx -I can't wait until you move so he no longer has that control/power over you. Knowing he no longer lives next door to you will allow you to move on so much faster and will be the best thing for you!

 

The whole push/pull thing is an interesting dynamic. 2 months into my affair with xMM I sensed he was pulling away so I ended things. He then came back (within a day) twice as strong as before saying he was "obsessed" with me.

 

We have tried to remain friends since it ended 5 months ago but even then the push/pull friendship dynamic has also been apparent. But it has allowed me to see another side of him - one which is not pleasant. A side which was always there but I either failed to see or didn't want to see. I am tired of it all. I am over analysing everything he has said and being a pawn in his manipulative games. I want my life back. 10 days of NC and I have also blocked him on social media. I no longer want to be part of his world. Even as "friends" in LC, he made me feel worse not better. I am finally done! Took me a long time to get to this point but here I am and it feels good to have made a decision and move forwards once and for all! There can no longer be push/pull if there is no contact at all!!

 

Hey Grey Cloud, thanks for your post!! The first time it happened, my xMM came back within a day too. I'm very glad that I'll be moving. Was it hard for you to block him on social media? Can he still reach you in any other way? Did you feel better before blocking or after blocking? I'm very proud of you that you blocked him and that you finally got rid of the push/ pull xMM!!!!!

[Grey Cloud]

Hey Grey Cloud, thanks for your post!! The first time it happened, my xMM came back within a day too. I'm very glad that I'll be moving. Was it hard for you to block him on social media? Can he still reach you in any other way? Did you feel better before blocking or after blocking? I'm very proud of you that you blocked him and that you finally got rid of the push/ pull xMM!!!!!

 

Blocking him on social media was the hardest thing I had to do, because it felt like it was the final step with no turning back. It took me a week to do it. I had my hand over the button several times than talked myself out of it. The indecision was killing me but I was stalking him on Facebook too much. It wasn't good for my state of mind in terms of moving on/letting go even though we were technically just "friends". The minute I did it I felt a flood of relief. Now I know that I can't take a look or a peek I feel more free! There is still that sense of OMG, I won't have any idea what he is up to but that is the whole point right?!!

[Adoraxx]

Blocking him on social media was the hardest thing I had to do, because it felt like it was the final step with no turning back. It took me a week to do it. I had my hand over the button several times than talked myself out of it. The indecision was killing me but I was stalking him on Facebook too much. It wasn't good for my state of mind in terms of moving on/letting go even though we were technically just "friends". The minute I did it I felt a flood of relief. Now I know that I can't take a look or a peek I feel more free! There is still that sense of OMG, I won't have any idea what he is up to but that is the whole point right?!!

 

That's awesome, Grey, I love it that you felt a flood of relief once you blocked him!!! For me it will be a 'no turning back' step too once I delete the email account... and it's not going to be easy but hopefully once I do that, I'll feel the same relief as you... Have you never blocked/ unblocked him? Because I worry that that's what I would do in regards to FB.... :/

[Grey Cloud]

That's awesome, Grey, I love it that you felt a flood of relief once you blocked him!!! For me it will be a 'no turning back' step too once I delete the email account... and it's not going to be easy but hopefully once I do that, I'll feel the same relief as you... Have you never blocked/ unblocked him? Because I worry that that's what I would do in regards to FB.... :/

 

I did block him back in February when things ended but unblocked him a month later and we became 'friends' again. This time feels different. Before I was still heavy in the fog and was willing to accept any crumbs to have him in my life versus nothing at all. Now too much has happened and I have lost so much respect for him that I am determined to move forwards. Staying in contact with him via FB was actually making me feel more anxious so I now know there are no advantages to unblocking him and stalking him as I used to! That part of my life is over!

[MidnightBlue1980]

That definition of 'Push-Pull' is totally spot on! Sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason'... Too bad that it still makes you wonder what's the cause and the reason... I've never been able to wrap my mind around it.

 

I do feel like the xMM is like a cat toying with a mouse (me)... Just for fun. Or that he seeks me out whenever he's feeling bored or has no supply whatsoever.

 

I think my xMM is happily married. He even says so and of course that has been a reason for me to say no to sex for many years!! Although in the beginning of our A, he complained that "W works so much and I have no one to talk to when I get home" but that was simply his way of working his way in; and even then he was saying that his marriage is good. Later on, her work hours changed and ever since then they've been spending even more time together.

 

And last week I saw a picture of them on FB, him holding her in his arms, celebrating their thousand year marriage anniversary.

 

Meanwhile, he has been doing the push/ pull thing with me for so long... Which is THE reason that I'm going to move. I just can't take it anymore. It feels like such a relief each time when he contacts me again out of the blue, although at the same time there is always this feeling of dread because I know what he's capable of : which is disappearing without even telling me why.

 

Even the tiniest email of "I don't want contact anymore" would be better than this deafening silence.

 

I should block him completely on email but since I live so close to him, there's no point really because he lives too nearby to block him out completely. That is, until I have moved!!!!

 

I'm not sure why he withdrew all these many times... I've tried to stay aloof and uninterested but even that made him withdraw and ignore me. I've done the "I'm so happy that you've contacted me again!" approach too but I think that made him run away even faster.

 

All in all, I can say without a doubt that he only ever contacted me because he was horny. He only ever wanted one thing from me and that was sex. And now, over the past months and years, he has still contacted me here and there but disappeared even faster probably because he realized he wasn't going to get any anyway.

 

It sure makes you feel worthless when someone only contacts you because he is horny/ bored... I still feel like I want his love 'back' although it was probably never there to begin with. Things used to be so different though in the beginning. He even cried when I went on vacation!! But back then I was still new and exciting and now I'm just 'old supply'.

 

He told me the other day that he wants to stay in touch when I've moved. He wants to see pics of my new house, pics of me (yeah sure he does) blah blah blah. Yet he doesn't even really want contact now that I'm still here. It feels very insulting just as when your xMM said he will contact you here and there and that you can be 'just friends'.

 

Edited to add: He wanted more than just sex, he also loves/ loved the feeling of having CONTROL over me. He loves feeling in control... loves that he is able to manipulate my emotions. I remember how I told him years ago - after saying no to sex for a long time - that we could give it a 'try' (ugh, I know) and then suddenly he didn't want sex anymore and disappeared again. So def. about control too!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now that I'm thinking about it, he probably only contacts me again after pushing me away, to see if I'm still 'there' and to see if he still has that control / power over me

 

I totally relate to all this, 100%. I have also withdrew and at times it seems like it is a relief to him, he just lets me go. I pretty much at this point think he is over it all but there is a part of him which keeps his thumb on me just for kicks, or in case one day he feels things are not going well at home.

 

For me the last straw was this week. He would not say I love you but would not say he didn't love me anymore. He said he was being good for both of us by not saying it. He could only be a friend to me, which was irritating as it ended 7 months ago by my hand as I did not want to be the OW. I've not once asked to meet him or anything. He obviously thinks he has all the control as I've given it to him.

 

At the same time though, he is not acting like the other guys on this site who are in NC with their OW. He emails me under the guise of friends, so I know he is keeping a finger on me. I am going to try my best to move on because I have enough friends and he is not a friend.

[Adoraxx]

I totally relate to all this, 100%. I have also withdrew and at times it seems like it is a relief to him, he just lets me go. I pretty much at this point think he is over it all but there is a part of him which keeps his thumb on me just for kicks, or in case one day he feels things are not going well at home.

 

For me the last straw was this week. He would not say I love you but would not say he didn't love me anymore. He said he was being good for both of us by not saying it. He could only be a friend to me, which was irritating as it ended 7 months ago by my hand as I did not want to be the OW. I've not once asked to meet him or anything. He obviously thinks he has all the control as I've given it to him.

 

At the same time though, he is not acting like the other guys on this site who are in NC with their OW. He emails me under the guise of friends, so I know he is keeping a finger on me. I am going to try my best to move on because I have enough friends and he is not a friend.

 

my xMM wouldn't tell me 'I love you' either this week yet he insisted that he does not want me out of his life. I'm possibly only 'material to meet on the street now' once again (he never even came to visit even though he said he would - and no, I didn't ask him, he was the one who started to talk about it). And then yes, he emailed me a few times too under the guise of friends and now again, NOTHING. They truly aren't friends and they don't care about us at all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

my xMM wouldn't tell me 'I love you' either this week yet he insisted that he does not want me out of his life. I'm possibly only 'material to meet on the street now' once again (he never even came to visit even though he said he would - and no, I didn't ask him, he was the one who started to talk about it). And then yes, he emailed me a few times too under the guise of friends and now again, NOTHING. They truly aren't friends and they don't care about us at all.

 

It's like we are the same person. It's a little disturbing. I'm honestly not sure what is in his mind.

 

I was actually thinking about you today, which is funny since you are a complete stranger on the internet. I was thinking about you moving soon. I wanted to share something with you which my H only recently pointed out to me. This is not my first A. I had one 13 years ago. I had met someone and we both left our spouses within a few months. My exH was abusive, it was a short marriage, not even a joint checking account. I quickly divorced. However this guy separated but never filed for divorce. I was a secret...for 3 years. It was a very destructive relationship for me, very unhealthy. I never even saw where he lived. I think he was really separated as he spent a lot of time at my place, we vacationed and stuff, but I looked him up recently and he is still very married to the woman.

 

My point - I should have just ended the relationship like a big girl. I should have said, listen buddy, either I get to see where you live or I'm done. I should have said - call me when you file for divorce. But I was so weak. Eventually - I moved to end the relationship. It worked - I would go on to meet my current H and we have two kids, I would never have my family if I didn't move.

 

But - here I am on LS. Back in a mess. My H said nothing wrong with my moving but I should have been stronger, ended it - instead I ran basically and look at me now. Again, life has come full circle and I have been presented with another opportunity to be strong. So I have not left our mutual place where I see him, I have not run, but I am still showing so much weakness. I have to be strong. I have to kick this guy to the curb.

 

So move and embrace the newness - but kick this guy to the curb before you leave so you don't find yourself back here in 10 years like me. Be strong! I will be strong too!

[Adoraxx]

It's like we are the same person. It's a little disturbing. I'm honestly not sure what is in his mind.

 

I was actually thinking about you today, which is funny since you are a complete stranger on the internet. I was thinking about you moving soon. I wanted to share something with you which my H only recently pointed out to me. This is not my first A. I had one 13 years ago. I had met someone and we both left our spouses within a few months. My exH was abusive, it was a short marriage, not even a joint checking account. I quickly divorced. However this guy separated but never filed for divorce. I was a secret...for 3 years. It was a very destructive relationship for me, very unhealthy. I never even saw where he lived. I think he was really separated as he spent a lot of time at my place, we vacationed and stuff, but I looked him up recently and he is still very married to the woman.

 

My point - I should have just ended the relationship like a big girl. I should have said, listen buddy, either I get to see where you live or I'm done. I should have said - call me when you file for divorce. But I was so weak. Eventually - I moved to end the relationship. It worked - I would go on to meet my current H and we have two kids, I would never have my family if I didn't move.

 

But - here I am on LS. Back in a mess. My H said nothing wrong with my moving but I should have been stronger, ended it - instead I ran basically and look at me now. Again, life has come full circle and I have been presented with another opportunity to be strong. So I have not left our mutual place where I see him, I have not run, but I am still showing so much weakness. I have to be strong. I have to kick this guy to the curb.

 

So move and embrace the newness - but kick this guy to the curb before you leave so you don't find yourself back here in 10 years like me. Be strong! I will be strong too!

 

Thanks Midnight!!! I don't want to be back here in 10 years . There are indeed so many similarities with our situations, also the one that you mentioned where you decided to move to end the relationship. It's really hard to end it once and for all when you're living so nearby... Isn't that strange how life has come full circle and that you've been presented with another opportunity to be strong...? That's amazing really.

 

Yes, you have to kick him to the curb and so do I. In a way I have done so over the years because I refused to let him use me for sex (minus one time where I got so sick and anxious about him pushing me that I gave in one last time)... I just feel like he has worn me down with his mind games, I'm feeling so insecure after how he has treated me and sometimes I worry that I'll never feel better. The A began 8.5 years ago and over the years I've often thought: "maybe I should move..." but then at the same time a panic of never seeing him again set in, and then I was sort of 'relieved' that we couldn't move because of other reasons.

 

But now I'm relieved that I'll finally be gone from here... It's so painful seeing someone that you love so much but who doesn't love you at all. He's so nearby yet so far away.. And I have no idea what he's thinking with all the mind games he's playing. I still worry at times that it's MY fault... that I make him act the way he does.. but then part of me also knows that it can't be true. I just hate it that he keeps stringing me along (not all the time but sometimes) and then I also hate it that I'm so weak that I sort of let him string me along.. ugh it's all a mess.

 

We have to be strong!!

Hugs to you, Midnight !!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

It's so painful seeing someone that you love so much but who doesn't love you at all. !

 

I relate to this. He has played this before, where he will refuse to say I love you and instead will say, 'I really care about you'. It is pretty humiliating to say I love you and get that back. Worse is to hear, 'I can only be your friend. I can't be anything more to you. ' At least since he said that without my asking him to see me or anything at all (can you say massive ego?) I got to say that I was married and nothing would ever happen between us again. I was trying to salvage what was left of my pride. The thing is, I don't think he cares. He responded okay, and how that was good because he cares about me so much. He then went on to say I could text him on his vacation this week and he would try to check in with me.

 

It's a total mindf*ck. I have friends and they don't talk to me like that and I know from the guys on this site that they don't talk to their exOW like that either. I just didn't respond and I am certainly not contacting him on his vacation. I honestly do not expect to hear from him.

 

It's like he throws me these bones. I know he likes me chasing him. It started with him chasing me. How did this happen, you know?

 

8.5 years is a long time. You said your husband does know. Do you talk about it? I feel like we talk about all this here all the time. I want to be completely out of it. I feel like I'm ready because I am not the type to feed some guy's ego, I feel stupid and I don't like the way he makes me feel about myself - like an idiot.