Struggling with NC? Look at Pictures

[Rorocher]

Some of you are lucky to have access to the social media pages of your AP. Or maybe even other avenues that show his/her marriage in pictures. Not just one vacation, one birthday, but over the course of time.

I would suggest that you use that to move on if you are struggling. Look at those pictures and imagine them in that moment, they were happy once. They shared love with this person once, they shared excitement, they had hopes, dreams, a history. All of that just doesn't disappear overnight just because you,the AP showed up.

 

 

How can you realistically expect to compete with a 10, 15 or 20 year marriage? Shared friends, shared experiences, stories, family, assets, etc etc,.That's a narrative of a life time, of which your 2 year affair is just a blip on the radar. Many times, that love that you may think you share with them is just not enough. Many OWs and OMs erroneously think that they are competing with the BS, nope, you are competing with history, competing with a lifetime. Surely, you don't expect to win that.

 

This is why 99% of them don't leave their marriages, no matter how seemingly bad it is. That is life as they know it. You can't overhaul your life as youknow it with the snap of a finger.

 

 

Good luck Ladies

Edited August 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting issues. ~T

[lilacwine]

Some of you are lucky to have access to the social media pages of your AP. Or maybe even other avenues that show his/her marriage in pictures. Not just one vacation, one birthday, but over the course of time.

I would suggest that you use that to move on if you are struggling. Look at those pictures and imagine them in that moment, they were happy once. They shared love with this person once, they shared excitement, they had hopes, dreams, a history. All of that just doesn't disappear overnight just because you,the AP showed up.

 

 

How can you realistically expect to compete with a 10, 15 or 20 year marriage? Shared friends, shared experiences, stories, family, assets, etc etc,.That's a narrative of a life time, of which your 2 year affair is just a blip on the radar. Many times, that love that you may think you share with them is just not enough. Many OWs and OMs erroneously think that they are competing with the BS, nope, you are competing with history, competing with a lifetime. Surely, you don't expect to win that.

 

This is why 99% of them don't leave their marriages, no matter how seemingly bad it is. That is life as they know it. You can't overhaul your life as youknow it with the snap of a finger.

 

 

Good luck Ladies

 

Wow, this is exactly what I have been doing for the past few days. Really really great tip. Been in NC 1 week and getting stronger each day. Everytime I feel the urge to call him, I would look at his wife's facebook and all their "happy pictures together". Yay, the urge is gone in a sec. I even feel so relieved I'm no longer intervening in their "happiness" or whatever it is.

[Doublegold]

Interesting thought process. I can say I have pictures I can look at also, of my own 27 year Marriage--and they look happy. And there were happy moments, and a shared life. Yet when I realized I did not love him any longer, I ended it, and we have moved on, remain friends, and have healthy--remarkable grown children that we celebrate together. Just because something doesn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't a success.

 

I have a thought--Why do 50%+ people (per census bureau) end up divorcing and 39% unmarried couples (stats from 2001 - 2014)? I mean, instead of doing the usual blame game of cheat or not-cheating ... we can ask some fundamental questions. "Is the institution of marriage a viable institution for happy life if and when both man and woman have socio-economic independence?" "Was it ever meant to be?" "What is natural for us, humans, as a species when it comes to monogamy?" But, if different format is embraces ... how would economy and child raring be done? Maybe, as intelligent beings, we could revisit our social structure, study our genetic make, view ancient social fabrics in tribes across thousands of years ... and across the globe and make an alternative format that is more conducive to who we are as a species. Oh well ... ... that is too much work.

 

I guess social media has all the answers in your world Rorocher. Good luck with that. It's called Fakebook for a reason. But then again, for some married folk-- how it looks to others is all that matters.

[lemondrop21]

Wow, I have been considering doing this for the past several days so it's funny to see this suggestion posted. Before, I would not even consider it. Never. I am always pretty avoidant with facebook especially when it comes to exes, etc. and the thought of looking at his wife's facebook is absolutely terrifying. I can feel my heart speed up just thinking about it.

 

But, perhaps it would be for the best for me to see photos of their anniversary trip and be forced to feel the guilt, anguish, jealousy etc. I saw his wife in person yesterday (from afar) and in that moment I couldn't feel anything, I was completely numb, and it terrified me. I want to feel guilt and own up to what I did.

[lemondrop21]

Update: Just did it. Her Facebook is all private so I couldn't see anything there.

 

His Facebook has only a handful of public photos and wall posts, but none more recent then April, the trip he took with his family just before the A began. Something like "wonderful spring break trip with my beautiful wife and kids..." I snorted at that one. FAKEbook to be sure, I know he spent that trip thinking and wondering about me and whether to reveal his feelings to me. I'm sure he still had a good time with the kids but I know his marriage was at an all-time low at that point.

 

Yes it made me feel kind of bad to see them all together in photos. Mostly it made me feel a little detached from him, looking at this life of his that I don't honestly know. It's like when I drove by his wife and kid at the park the other day. It took me a little by surprise, but that's it. I felt nothing. No sadness. No guilt. Just... detachment. I don't know those people. I WISH I felt something, because it scared me to feel nothing.

 

So did it help me to move on? I'm neutral on that one.

Edited August 20, 2015 by lemondrop21

[Goodbye]

Yeah, I figured out my exMM's "deal" when I saw a picture of him with his wife on a weekend when he told me he was on a "guy's trip." It came up when I searched images for him. Yes, it was a desperate move on my part but also a helpful slap in the face about the realities of which I was overlooking. He is gross. Sometimes if I get wistful, I look at pictures of him. Big, fat, lying loser.

[thebutterflyeludesme]

Update: Just did it. Her Facebook is all private so I couldn't see anything there.

 

His Facebook has only a handful of public photos and wall posts, but none more recent then April, the trip he took with his family just before the A began. Something like "wonderful spring break trip with my beautiful wife and kids..." I snorted at that one. FAKEbook to be sure, I know he spent that trip thinking and wondering about me and whether to reveal his feelings to me. I'm sure he still had a good time with the kids but I know his marriage was at an all-time low at that point.

 

Yes it made me feel kind of bad to see them all together in photos. Mostly it made me feel a little detached from him, looking at this life of his that I don't honestly know. It's like when I drove by his wife and kid at the park the other day. It took me a little by surprise, but that's it. I felt nothing. No sadness. No guilt. Just... detachment. I don't know those people. I WISH I felt something, because it scared me to feel nothing.

 

So did it help me to move on? I'm neutral on that one.

 

This is exactly how is is for me when I look at either of their pictures. The day of our second D-day she posted pictures of him and the kids saying how happy she was and how wonderful the trip was they were on. TOTALLY fake because she was absolutely fuming at him.

 

The others don't help much because it will be pictures of the two of them on nights where I either saw him right before the picture was even taken or he was texting me all night while he was with her.

 

The kicker was the picture he sent her of himself in front of a waterfall, in which she subsequently posted to her Facebook page. I took the picture!

 

People tend to only post the "good" things on Facebook and avoid the bad. Take everything on there with a grain of salt because it's all a facade.

[Popsicle]

Your post was very hard to read due to the structure but it was quite on target. You are absolutely right.

[unluckycharms]

Interesting - I tried this at first but it never worked for me. When his wife found out about us she posted a picture with him soon after, I'm guessing to try mark her territory or something, and I started an argument with him over it until she took it down. One time he liked one of her posts and we got in another huge fight again so he deleted the like and so on and so forth. Basically, either of us seeing each others' social media led to arguments, so now I have him blocked on everything. I'm personally convinced that NC is the only way.

[Popsicle]

Interesting - I tried this at first but it never worked for me. When his wife found out about us she posted a picture with him soon after, I'm guessing to try mark her territory or something, and I started an argument with him over it until she took it down. One time he liked one of her posts and we got in another huge fight again so he deleted the like and so on and so forth. Basically, either of us seeing each others' social media led to arguments, so now I have him blocked on everything. I'm personally convinced that NC is the only way.

 

 

Well, it is unnerving seeing all the pictures, but one thing's for sure, it exposes you to the MM's "real life" that you may not be privy too.

[unluckycharms]

Well, it is unnerving seeing all the pictures, but one thing's for sure, it exposes you to the MM's "real life" that you may not be privy too.

 

It definitely felt like a punch to the stomach to see someone else with his last name and taking pictures with him, no doubt about that. But instead of reminding me that I shouldn't talk to him, it would just make me angry at him and I'd start a fight with him which would lead to us seeing each other. It was silly because we'd dated for a while before I found out he was married, so I hadn't fully accepted that he was someone else's husbusband and I'd get upset if I had to see proof of them spending time together.

 

He also lied to both me and his wife so much that I'm positive I'll never know what his real life is and I'm not even sure I'd want to know. I just keep them both blocked for my sanity.

[Grapesofwrath]

I agree with the strategy, though I have a different POV on why it works. It's not that I felt "in competition" with the BS.

 

Seeing the pictures, and I've seen only very few, helped me realize what a liar he is. They were all taken before he met me, but after he did all the other things he's done. That doesn't matter. What worked for me is the reminder that he leads a double life. He is duplicitous beyond measure. Nothing makes you fall out of love faster than realizations like that and having them thrust in your face.

[jwi71]

Some of you are lucky to have access to the social media pages of your AP. Or maybe even other avenues that show his/her marriage in pictures. Not just one vacation, one birthday, but over the course of time.

I would suggest that you use that to move on if you are struggling. Look at those pictures and imagine them in that moment, they were happy once. They shared love with this person once, they shared excitement, they had hopes, dreams, a history. All of that just doesn't disappear overnight just because you,the AP showed up.

 

A few questions if I may:

1) What makes you think the "hopes and dreams" they once had are dead - or even in the past tense?

 

And you are right...they don't just disappear overnight. Its, typically I would say, a gradual shift from dedication to one another to taking each other for granted. And lets face it, sometimes life (aka kids et al) get in the way...demanding time and energy that was once solely reserved for the other. The slow drift apart and in the gap, in the minds of some, the opportunity to fill it with the attentions of another.

 

How can you realistically expect to compete with a 10, 15 or 20 year marriage? Shared friends, shared experiences, stories, family, assets, etc etc,.That's a narrative of a life time, of which your 2 year affair is just a blip on the radar. Many times, that love that you may think you share with them is just not enough. Many OWs and OMs erroneously think that they are competing with the BS, nope, you are competing with history, competing with a lifetime. Surely, you don't expect to win that.

 

Disagree. Its not a competition at all - save for in the mind of the OW (my opinion). To view it as a competition implies that the WS is actively deciding to leave or not - and I find that to rarely be the case. Instead, the AP is an addition to the WS' life - not a new and distinct possible life path (the competition). The competition then becomes a tool or carrot dangled by the WS to keep the AP in an unhappy situation.

 

This is why 99% of them don't leave their marriages, no matter how seemingly bad it is. That is life as they know it.

 

I wonder what the W and extended families and friends of this M would say?

Essentially, consider the source.

 

You can't overhaul your life as youknow it with the snap of a finger.

 

I disagree here as well. That's EXACTLY what happens. You decide. To D. To kiss the girl. To cross the line. All actions have that pivotal moment - do or do not. Always a choice. Always a moment of choice. Always the snap of a finger.

[Sassy Girl]

 

 

 

Disagree. Its not a competition at all - save for in the mind of the OW (my opinion). To view it as a competition implies that the WS is actively deciding to leave or not - and I find that to rarely be the case. Instead, the AP is an addition to the WS' life - not a new and distinct possible life path (the competition). The competition then becomes a tool or carrot dangled by the WS to keep the AP in an unhappy situation.

 

 

This is spot on.

And the Ow who plays into the "competition" will tie herself in knots trying to be better, but it's too late.

 

You know she's there from the beginning. You take that on anyway and then HE plays you off against her. Manipulation.

[NewLeaf512]

This is exactly how is is for me when I look at either of their pictures. The day of our second D-day she posted pictures of him and the kids saying how happy she was and how wonderful the trip was they were on. TOTALLY fake because she was absolutely fuming at him.

 

The others don't help much because it will be pictures of the two of them on nights where I either saw him right before the picture was even taken or he was texting me all night while he was with her.

 

The kicker was the picture he sent her of himself in front of a waterfall, in which she subsequently posted to her Facebook page. I took the picture!

 

People tend to only post the "good" things on Facebook and avoid the bad. Take everything on there with a grain of salt because it's all a facade.

 

I don't use Fakebook anymore for a number of reasons not least of which I wanted to live in real life. It drove me bats when someone would make a comment and I'd say, " how do you know that?" Response: "Didn't you see it on so and so's Facebook page?" No I didn't wait to read about Jon going over Niagra Falls in a barrel or whatever.

 

ExMM and I were never linked on there although we did have friends in common because of work. ExMM BS and youngest daughter linked to me years before the A because when youngest was 17 she did a sporting event for charity and I sponsored it with a donation. I can't remember now what it was but likely diabetes as BS has it and I think that's why she linked to me. I spent maybe 10 minutes a month on there because I belonged to a group that was studying a topic, and occasionally there was no news from the last visit but sometimes a participant would post a link to reference material, someone had a question, I had a question whatever.

 

In 2008 (remember the year because we got these sterling medals stamped with the date) a law review group names top 10 of this and that type of lawyer/solicitor/barrister/junior and they hold a little award thing where you get dressed up etc and there's a dinner. I used to love to go because one. I love wearing evening clothes, two some of the learned friends I'd only ever seen in robes, bands, and wigs and to know what they looked like in their normal life was neat. Kind of like the legal Oscars with no red carpet and no one besides the guests giving a s'*t. All the firms or chambers were at their own tables. I had just risen in the chamber to a more senior status so was in high spirits. ExMM was there as was the top Seniors Nd silks. I had a blackberry then, don't think it took photos so had a small camera and asked a waitstaff to take a photo of our table I think there were 8, I was the only woman and sitting nowhere near ExMM. I was really proud thought I looked pretty and wanted to impress my mum. Sad but true. One of the gents there asked me if I could put any photos on Fakebook so his wife could see. After 2 days of messing with cables I finally figured it out. Within 48 hours BS and daughter de linked me. Thought it was a computer issue. It wasn't. I asked ExMM what had happened I had put a thumbs up signal on someone's political rant, thought it was about that. ExMM explained BS went berserk re work dinner photos (2) because I was in them and they lived in a small town and it was against G-d for him to get a photo made with a woman in it. I pointed out it was a work thing and I was no where near him plus I was a senior. He asked me to take the photos down because BS wasn't speaking to him. Of course I took them down, but I remember thinking at the time... He must be a 7th day Adventist or something but that it was odd.

 

So that was pretty much the end of FakeBook for me. I think it can downright meaningless, like who ate what for dinner. I'd rather look at photos of ExMM and I and remember while he was smiling for our photos he was leading a double life. A really Oscar winning performance!

[NewLeaf512]

It definitely felt like a punch to the stomach to see someone else with his last name and taking pictures with him, no doubt about that. But instead of reminding me that I shouldn't talk to him, it would just make me angry at him and I'd start a fight with him which would lead to us seeing each other. It was silly because we'd dated for a while before I found out he was married, so I hadn't fully accepted that he was someone else's husbusband and I'd get upset if I had to see proof of them spending time together.

 

He also lied to both me and his wife so much that I'm positive I'll never know what his real life is and I'm not even sure I'd want to know. I just keep them both blocked for my sanity.

 

Unlucky when you are lying that much as my ExMM did like yours pretending to be available etc., not only do the AP and BS know who WS is, WS has no idea who they are either.

[unluckycharms]

Unlucky when you are lying that much as my ExMM did like yours pretending to be available etc., not only do the AP and BS know who WS is, WS has no idea who they are either.

 

Completely agree. Mine lied about everything - not just marital status but age, financial independence etc. and he couldn't even keep the lies straight as time went on. I think he had a very fluid concept of who he was based on what fit his needs at the time and relied on women who wanted to "fix" him to keep him afloat.

 

P.S. it appears that you and I are in the same profession so all the more ironic considering that we ended up with these idiots.

[StellaGrace]

This is why 99% of them don't leave their marriages, no matter how seemingly bad it is.

 

While I appreciate your sentiment behind breaking up a long-term marriage, I think your feelings are more relevant than your stats. I am curious where you got that stat?

 

I looked all over the internet for stats that sounded like a reputable source, and they are all over the proverbial board. That said NONE of them claim only 1% of cheaters leave their marriages.

 

Here's what I was able to glean - perhaps someone else out there has more google search patience than I do:

 

Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%

Infidelity Facts - Infidelity Statistics

 

30% of marriages that experience affairs end in divorce.

Affairs & Infidelity | Alec Wilson PsyD 503 757 6259 Couples Therapist Portland Oregon |

 

40-50% percent of all first marriages end in divorce, and 60% of second marriages fail. (no reasons cited)

http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/lesson3.pdf

 

This one seemed to have a lot of stats around divorce but can't find the original source citation:

In the United States, 17% of all the divorces that occur are due to adultery on the part of either or both the parties

 

Yet: 90% of American believes it is morally wrong to commit an adulterous act and 61% would like to see it punished as any other crime

Latest Infidelity Statistics of USA

 

And how about this one?

Statistics say that nearly 85% of the women are right when they think their partner is cheating on them while for men it is around 50%

 

Latest Infidelity Statistics of USA

Edited August 22, 2015 by StellaGrace

[NewLeaf512]

Completely agree. Mine lied about everything - not just marital status but age, financial independence etc. and he couldn't even keep the lies straight as time went on. I think he had a very fluid concept of who he was based on what fit his needs at the time and relied on women who wanted to "fix" him to keep him afloat.

 

P.S. it appears that you and I are in the same profession so all the more ironic considering that we ended up with these idiots.

 

I mean I'd have thought 10 years at uni. Articles and just the epic volume of reading about idiots would have supplied some common sense. Nope! Apparently not. Although if exMM even googles certain things my photo will come up and although I doubt he has the capacity to feel anything at all I hope it stings!

[unluckycharms]

I mean I'd have thought 10 years at uni. Articles and just the epic volume of reading about idiots would have supplied some common sense. Nope! Apparently not. Although if exMM even googles certain things my photo will come up and although I doubt he has the capacity to feel anything at all I hope it stings!

 

10?! We must be in different countries because college and law school here only take 7 years. But yes, sadly, emotional intelligence and book smarts often don't line up, or at least not for me. I had a rough childhood so I worked hard to be successful in every other respect, especially academically, and am only now realizing and facing the issues I have in my personal relationships due to growing up in a broken household. I'm also pretty new to the profession (am considered junior) and I sometimes wonder if the fact that I was working insane hours trying to close a deal when my ex and I started dating kept me from investigating him further.

 

I've seen some of your other posts and I hope you hang in there. Our worth or place in this world is not decided by how others treat us, especially not in a situation like an affair where the deck is SO stacked against the married man ever leaving. The whole affair seems akin to a rigged game from the outset, in favor of your ex and against you and his BW. It sucks and is terrible but his behavior says nothing about you and only reflects on him - but I get it, trust me, because I still miss mine sometimes despite all of the pain he's put me through. I'm just taking it day by day and trying my best to stick to NC.

[wanderingxsoulz]

Ha, Facebook has played such a big part for me. It has made me angry, upset me, but yes, it did help.

 

My MM lied that he was just staying in a loveless marriage for the kids. He kept his married life out of the spotlight and his public profiles very well. There was no way you could tell he was even married unless you knew him very well personally, zero hint and mention about wife and kids. Out of curiosity about his family, I'd obsessively looked through everything available online and only managed to find his wife's and kids' profiles after some sleuthing.

 

All the happy family photos tore me apart... realising that he had been lying about being stuck in an unhappy marriage all this while. Till this day, he doesn't know that I know about his wife and kids' Facebook profiles.

 

Next incident was when a mutual friend of ours, who didn't know about affair and thought we were just acquaintances, casually let slip that he had an affair with some other girl before. I kept a straight face but inside I was dying.

 

Another lie. Nice knowing that he's a serial cheater and pathological liar who probably doesn't give a **** about me.

 

Still, I stuck around for awhile, naively hoping that things might get better. They got worse and I became increasingly unhappy.

 

Finally ended it when I saw a new lovey-dovey picture his wife had posted. Haven't seen or spoken to him since.

 

So in a way, thank you, Facebook

[NewLeaf512]

10?! We must be in different countries because college and law school here only take 7 years. But yes, sadly, emotional intelligence and book smarts often don't line up, or at least not for me. I had a rough childhood so I worked hard to be successful in every other respect, especially academically, and am only now realizing and facing the issues I have in my personal relationships due to growing up in a broken household. I'm also pretty new to the profession (am considered junior) and I sometimes wonder if the fact that I was working insane hours trying to close a deal when my ex and I started dating kept me from investigating him further.

 

I've seen some of your other posts and I hope you hang in there. Our worth or place in this world is not decided by how others treat us, especially not in a situation like an affair where the deck is SO stacked against the married man ever leaving. The whole affair seems akin to a rigged game from the outset, in favor of your ex and against you and his BW. It sucks and is terrible but his behavior says nothing about you and only reflects on him - but I get it, trust me, because I still miss mine sometimes despite all of the pain he's put me through. I'm just taking it day by day and trying my best to stick to NC.

 

 

 

Unlucky, because I am a secret masochist I did a PhD too

[NewLeaf512]

(am considered junior) and I sometimes wonder if the fact that I was working insane hours trying to close a deal when my ex and I started dating kept me from investigating him further.

 

I've seen some of your other posts and I hope you hang in there. Our worth or place in this world is not decided by how others treat us, especially not in a situation like an affair where the deck is SO stacked against the married man ever leaving. The whole affair seems akin to a rigged game from the outset, in favor of your ex and against you and his BW. .

 

 

Unlucky, something about this post as been niggling me for a day or 2 and I finally formed my thought. I may get flamed for this, but remember, it's only my opinion, and what I know can clearly fit on the head of a pin.

 

 

The thought came to me as I was working on this Ashley Madison Debacle and needed an external with a TB to out some docs on, and thought was empty. It actually wasn't empty, it has some junk on it including NL's Old desktop which I opened to make sure was empty before I reformatted it for work use. There was only one folder "photos & Music" and I opened it and in the midst of photos of my mother and me at her 70th birthday were 2 photos of me an exMM. One pre A and one during A. I moved that folder elsewhere and reformatted. In the pre A photo, he was sad. everyone else in the photo was happy. I don't recall the date, maybe exMM dog died or he screwed up at work or stubbed his toe right before who knows.

 

 

I bolded above what triggered this thought. I don't put much faith in the stats around second marriages in general because I'd need to see the raw data myself. I do know it is less than firsts but by how much to be is highly subjective. My PERSONAL FEELING related to your quote above is this, and it applies to WS of BOTH Sexes: The decks are so stacked against any WS actually doing the right thing and being honest/ trying to fix the M/ or Divorce is because they all share 2 traits: cowardice and selfishness, so instead of doing the above in italics. So they embark on A. The WS may fall in love or not, be in it just for sex or not, get what they are missing from the M and on and on from the A. They just don't want to do the work required to see if their M can be saved or if it is so broken they need to part ways.

 

 

After being a part of this unfortunate group called OW, maybe we shouldn't use a success metric called "leaving" during or after an A

 

 

Maybe the success metric is meeting someone who is actually D who tried to save the M and couldn't, and did the right thing by getting a D and is free and available to love again. Then count those people in how many of their second marriages work.

[lemondrop21]

NL, love your thoughts on the stats of second marriages - it would really be interesting to see stats on second marriage success for those who did the right thing and ended their first marriages after not being able to fix them, instead of embarking on an A. Of course since everyone lies about As, the stats will never be available I suppose!

[lemondrop21]

I wanted to share something else about Facebook. So, looking at MM's facebook didn't help me since he hadn't posted any recent photos (on the other hand, seeing the happy family together in the car the other day sure did help!!).

 

But the other day, I was looking through Facebook at the wedding photos of an old acquaintance, and they gave me real hope for my own future. I always admired this girl tremendously in high school; she was a few years ahead of me, incredibly smart and talented, but also thoughtful, introspective and not at all superficial. Very naturally pretty, never needed to wear much makeup to make herself look good.

 

She always seemed to struggle with dating, I think because she was so amazing and it's hard to find men at that level. She found a real relationship a couple of years ago, when she was 28 or so, and they just recently married in Alaska. From what I can tell, they picked Alaska as a unique, offbeat place to have a summer wedding (I don't think either has family there). There are all these cool photos of their wedding party tramping around wet, lush, beautiful Alaska and having loads of fun.

 

They were so genuinely happy and in love in their photos, it just shines through. It made me smile even though I haven't spoken to this girl in over ten years. I could have that kind of happiness someday, and I'm choosing to remain optimistic that I will. Not with MM. With someone else. I'm very happy with this thought.