What is the best ending of the affair?

[jesienna31]

WHat was it for you? Out of anger for the lies and mistreatment or mutual respect that things don't work out? How did it finish for you?

[cocorico]

WHat was it for you? Out of anger for the lies and mistreatment or mutual respect that things don't work out? How did it finish for you?

 

The best ending for me was the one we had - he dumped the BW, got D, and we M. There were no lies, no mistreatment, and there was mutual respect throughout. I am sorry if your R is not working out for you - no one should ever stay in any kind of R that is not working for them.

[Anne Boleyn]

WHat was it for you? Out of anger for the lies and mistreatment or mutual respect that things don't work out? How did it finish for you?

 

Our ending was I left my husband, got divorced, and he was going to as well. After a few attempts to leave and then returning to her and times where it seemed to be over, he finally left. Then there was more drama related to that, which created a lot of stress and various problems... But now we can say that we're happily married. The problems are few and far between, and largely ignorable, when it comes to the ex-wife.

[Popsicle]

We never spoke of it, but I don't believe my xMM was unhappy in his marriage, he was just bored and maybe hadn't felt desired for a long time, and I didn't want to be the cause of any damage in his life (or mine), so I just stopped talking to him before we got in too deep.

Edited February 16, 2014 by Popsicle

[Fluttershy]

I am a fBW. My best ending was my husband getting disgusted with his behaviour and sick of cake and endin the affair (it was sex only between them and I know this to be true from reading a lot of the convo). Confessing his affair to me and then me learning how to forgive him and also becoming a stronger person. It was a rough road but for both my H and I it was the best ending. Te fMOW denied te affair happened and went on to get her sex on the side with other men so it is the best endig for her. Her husband chooses to keep his ees averted to stay with her and be happy so it is the best ending for him.

 

Besides the few and far between OW who got their fairytale ending most end in heartbreak for everyone. Not a route I'd encourage anyone to take. Everyone wants to be the miniority. Even if their happiness is at the expense of innocent others. One person's happy ending shouldn't be at the expense of anothers.

Edited February 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Anne Boleyn]

Besides the few and far between OW who got their fairytale ending most end in heartbreak for everyone. Not a route I'd encourage anyone to take. I actually wish the OW who feel as though everything worked out wouldn't post here as it only encourages would ows and other ows to continue on their hurtful path. Everyone wants to be the miniority. Even if their happiness is at the expense of innocent others. One person's happy ending shouldn't be at the expense of anothers.

 

But our outcomes are a possible part of somebody's story. To ask those people to go away and not post because people don't want to hear that for some OW's or OM's it involved leaving the BS for each other because it's not the unhappy ending that's expected or rooted for by some. Sometimes the BS doesn't get their spouse crawling back on their hands and knees, begging for forgiveness. Sometimes the BS hears that the OW/OM is the person they want to be with, they don't want to be with the BS and they're willing to give it all up for the OW/OM, that they don't love or want to be with their spouses, and they leave. If we are in the minority or not, it doesn't matter... It's our story and it happens. We shouldn't have to hide it... Especially in a forum where the intention is support and discussion for OW/OM who're in affairs.

 

In truth, nothing that any of us say who've been through it and come out the other side, for better or worse, will encourage or not encourage somebody who's in it. They'll stay against all advice, they'll leave only when they decide they want to.

 

And since this is a forum that's a support of OW/OM, I feel like it's appropriate to point out to the BW's who come here for reasons I don't really understand seem only take offense at the idea that happiness at the expense of others is wrong when it comes to the OW/OM and their affair. If the affair ends and the BS gets their spouse back, when the happiness of the BS getting their spouse back comes at the expense of the happiness OW/OM and quite possibly their spouse who came back... It's OK. It's OK to do the hurting, but it's not OK to be the one that hurts. It's the myth of righteous hurt vs unrighteous hurt. I'm an innocent BS, my hurt is righteous. You're the OW/OM, your hurt is unrighteous because I view what you did as bad and it impacted me or somebody like me badly.

 

Now I'm not saying it's right or wrong of the OW/OM to hurt through their actions others, but I am saying in a forum designed to support the OW/OM and discuss their situation, a BS coming in and reminding them of how awful they are and what they're doing hurts... Not only does it not always reflect the whole situation, but it's not the point of the person who's posting their story.

[Fluttershy]

But our outcomes are a possible part of somebody's story. To ask those people to go away and not post because people don't want to hear that for some OW's or OM's it involved leaving the BS for each other because it's not the unhappy ending that's expected or rooted for by some. Sometimes the BS doesn't get their spouse crawling back on their hands and knees, begging for forgiveness. Sometimes the BS hears that the OW/OM is the person they want to be with, they don't want to be with the BS and they're willing to give it all up for the OW/OM, that they don't love or want to be with their spouses, and they leave. If we are in the minority or not, it doesn't matter... It's our story and it happens. We shouldn't have to hide it... Especially in a forum where the intention is support and discussion for OW/OM who're in affairs.

 

In truth, nothing that any of us say who've been through it and come out the other side, for better or worse, will encourage or not encourage somebody who's in it. They'll stay against all advice, they'll leave only when they decide they want to.

 

And since this is a forum that's a support of OW/OM, I feel like it's appropriate to point out to the BW's who come here for reasons I don't really understand seem only take offense at the idea that happiness at the expense of others is wrong when it comes to the OW/OM and their affair. If the affair ends and the BS gets their spouse back, when the happiness of the BS getting their spouse back comes at the expense of the happiness OW/OM and quite possibly their spouse who came back... It's OK. It's OK to do the hurting, but it's not OK to be the one that hurts. It's the myth of righteous hurt vs unrighteous hurt. I'm an innocent BS, my hurt is righteous. You're the OW/OM, your hurt is unrighteous because I view what you did as bad and it impacted me or somebody like me badly.

 

Now I'm not saying it's right or wrong of the OW/OM to hurt through their actions others, but I am saying in a forum designed to support the OW/OM and discuss their situation, a BS coming in and reminding them of how awful they are and what they're doing hurts... Not only does it not always reflect the whole situation, but it's not the point of the person who's posting their story.

 

Pure tripe. The BW gettin her husband back at the expense of the Ow's happiness. That's rich as she engaged in affair in the first place. She made er bed...

 

The OW who are honest and don't paint their affair eith rose colored glasses. The ones who share the bad things and encourage women to not enter an affair, get out of an affair, or put a time limit on the wh leaving his spouse, those ones are helping. But there are some one here that gush about it, defend affairs, and attack the BS in their situation every chance they get. Giving that sort of hope to people is just hurting them. Because very few get a happy ending. And I am free not to like it just as younare free not to like all the BS who post over here. Can't stop it but I sure can express an opinion on it.

[jwi71]

WHat was it for you? Out of anger for the lies and mistreatment or mutual respect that things don't work out? How did it finish for you?

 

The best ending is the one desired.

True of any R.

[Anne Boleyn]

Pure tripe. The BW gettin her husband back at the expense of the Ow's happiness. That's rich as she engaged in affair in the first place. She made er bed...

 

That was my point. A man who leaves his BS for the OW is a man who's putting his happiness before others and is, as such, a selfish jerk, the OW is a selfish woman who hurts the innocent. But if there's an affair where the OW is left or the OM is left, where there's the same level of heartbreak on the one who got left, it's "tripe" and "she made her bed."

 

It's OK to hurt people as long as the person being hurt is somebody you believe is worthy of hurting. It's a black-and-white world, where a BS is always innocent and blindsided, and the OW/OM is a selfish prat who's out for sex at the expense of their spouse and thus deserves the misery she gets and can't be upset over how things play out. It's never a shade of grey in between.

 

The OW who are honest and don't paint their affair eith rose colored glasses. The ones who share the bad things and encourage women to not enter an affair, get out of an affair, or put a time limit on the wh leaving his spouse, those ones are helping. But there are some one here that gush about it, defend affairs, and attack the BS in their situation every chance they get. Giving that sort of hope to people is just hurting them. Because very few get a happy ending. And I am free not to like it just as younare free not to like all the BS who post over here. Can't stop it but I sure can express an opinion on it.

This is a forum for the OW/OM. That includes support for being the OW/OM, the situation, the person, etc. It may mean that OW or OM come here and talk about how broken they are, how bad it turned out, and how much they regret it. So far, I've heard nobody object to that. They got their unhappy ending, they got their just desserts, therefore, it's all OK to share. If people talk about how miserable an A made them, it seems nobody is offended because, as we said above, people are getting into the beds they made.

 

But you know, it also includes the people who had the big A, came out the other side. For better for worse. It includes people who married the OW/OM after leaving the BS, some of those people are happy, some of them aren't. It's all part of the story. If you don't like it or it bothers you to such a degree, I think the question would be "why do you come to an environment where you know people will have these experiences that you don't like?" not "why do these OW/OM walk around with rose-colored glasses and talk about their happy endings that most people don't get?"

 

Coming to support and discussion forum about OW/OM doesn't just mean standing over the people who were OW/OM and it's failed and saying "I told you so, now here's how to not do it again" and pretending it's support and not judgment. And to be clear, it's not that I don't like the BS's who post here, I just don't understand that if you're a BS who thinks an affair is wrong, why you'd come to a forum set up to support people in affairs, which includes continuing them, not just ending them, then get upset when people talk about them without remorse or, in my case and the PP's case, say that we had the A, we left our spouses, now we're remarried and happy. There are plenty, plenty of BS's who post here who don't jump on the OW/OM's case and I love having them here... It's the ones where, when a OW/OM is upset over something going wrong and the people who follow up with the "I told you so" or "you deserved it" that I don't get, the ones who get offended if ever the OW/OM story doesn't end with the OW/OM being miserable over what happened.

 

If you don't want to hear those stories, the solution would be to not frequent the forum where people may share such stories.

Edited February 17, 2014 by Anne Boleyn

[Popsicle]

You are breath of fresh air around here Ann Boleyn. I'm glad you're here.

[krazikat]

But our outcomes are a possible part of somebody's story. To ask those people to go away and not post because people don't want to hear that for some OW's or OM's it involved leaving the BS for each other because it's not the unhappy ending that's expected or rooted for by some. Sometimes the BS doesn't get their spouse crawling back on their hands and knees, begging for forgiveness. Sometimes the BS hears that the OW/OM is the person they want to be with, they don't want to be with the BS and they're willing to give it all up for the OW/OM, that they don't love or want to be with their spouses, and they leave. If we are in the minority or not, it doesn't matter... It's our story and it happens. We shouldn't have to hide it... Especially in a forum where the intention is support and discussion for OW/OM who're in affairs.

 

In truth, nothing that any of us say who've been through it and come out the other side, for better or worse, will encourage or not encourage somebody who's in it. They'll stay against all advice, they'll leave only when they decide they want to.

 

And since this is a forum that's a support of OW/OM, I feel like it's appropriate to point out to the BW's who come here for reasons I don't really understand seem only take offense at the idea that happiness at the expense of others is wrong when it comes to the OW/OM and their affair. If the affair ends and the BS gets their spouse back, when the happiness of the BS getting their spouse back comes at the expense of the happiness OW/OM and quite possibly their spouse who came back... It's OK. It's OK to do the hurting, but it's not OK to be the one that hurts. It's the myth of righteous hurt vs unrighteous hurt. I'm an innocent BS, my hurt is righteous. You're the OW/OM, your hurt is unrighteous because I view what you did as bad and it impacted me or somebody like me badly.

 

Now I'm not saying it's right or wrong of the OW/OM to hurt through their actions others, but I am saying in a forum designed to support the OW/OM and discuss their situation, a BS coming in and reminding them of how awful they are and what they're doing hurts... Not only does it not always reflect the whole situation, but it's not the point of the person who's posting their story.

 

Anne, the difference between the BS and ow is choice. It is not about righteous or unrighteous but lies and deceit and being forced into a situation that impacts their life, finances, health without knowledge. That is something that should not happen.

 

And I believe the intent of the poster was to say that some former ow come on here and post unhelpful comments to ow who are struggling and hurting. Things such as " my affair was never like that! My mm loooooved me and would never do that to me!" Type of stuff, which can come across as uncaring, cruel, bragging, etc. and rubbing a hurt ow nose in the fact that her mm is hurting her and the fOW was never that way.

 

And the board is for discussion and support for those in affairs, and you can offer support to someone who needs it without actually supporting their actions...and aren't former ow no longer in the affair? So come on, Anne, this is a public forum and anyone can post, be it WS, BS, fOW, none of the above, anyone. So what, BS post here. I have learned much from different posters of all back ground and experience...I welcome different perspectives. But I see her point. Giving an ow whose mm is clearly a douche "hope" is not helpful.

 

There are many people from all sides of the triangle who post here and on infidelity that actually are trying to help people by sharing their experiences. Not bragging about "snagging their man" but truly talking about the gritty and dirty *honest* facts. OW and BS get enough lies and ish from the mm...we can all learn from each other. But be humble.

Edited February 17, 2014 by krazikat

[BurnedAndLost]

Anne, the difference between the BS and ow is choice. It is not about righteous or unrighteous but lies and deceit and being forced into a situation that impacts their life, finances, health without knowledge. That is something that should not happen.

 

And I believe the intent of the poster was to say that some former ow come on here and post unhelpful comments to ow who are struggling and hurting. Things such as " my affair was never like that! My mm loooooved me and would never do that to me!" Type of stuff, which can come across as uncaring, cruel, bragging, etc. and rubbing a hurt ow nose in the fact that her mm is hurting her and the fOW was never that way.

 

And the board is for discussion and support for those in affairs, and you can offer support to someone who needs it without actually supporting their actions...and aren't former ow no longer in the affair? So come on, Anne, this is a public forum and anyone can post, be it WS, BS, fOW, none of the above, anyone. So what, BS post here. I have learned much from different posters of all back ground and experience...I welcome different perspectives. But I see her point. Giving an ow whose mm is clearly a douche "hope" is not helpful.

 

There are many people from all sides of the triangle who post here and on infidelity that actually are trying to help people by sharing their experiences. Not bragging about "snagging their man" but truly talking about the gritty and dirty *honest* facts. OW and BS get enough lies and ish from the mm...we can all learn from each other. But be humble.

 

 

Exactly this. I cannot for the life of me understand why people can not make the distinction between the two.

This too. A lot of the times the AP seem like they are gloating in their ''win''. BS's do this too. But I personally find it more unbecoming when an OW/OM clearly has no sympathy for the destruction that their affair with their MP caused the BS. It can take years to repair the damage being left for someone else does.

 

But who cares right? As long as you're happy the destruction your actions left behind don't matter.

I find this attitude to be completely disgusting in any situation. Not just affairs.

 

But then again, talking to the people who think this way is pointless. Usually they either think that it won't happen to them, or they feel they are above the emotions a BS feels and they would never stoop as low as too feel something like that.

[goodyblue]

Exactly this. I cannot for the life of me understand why people can not make the distinction between the two.

This too. A lot of the times the AP seem like they are gloating in their ''win''. BS's do this too. But I personally find it more unbecoming when an OW/OM clearly has no sympathy for the destruction that their affair with their MP caused the BS. It can take years to repair the damage being left for someone else does.

 

But who cares right? As long as you're happy the destruction your actions left behind don't matter.

I find this attitude to be completely disgusting in any situation. Not just affairs.

 

But then again, talking to the people who think this way is pointless. Usually they either think that it won't happen to them, or they feel they are above the emotions a BS feels and they would never stoop as low as too feel something like that.

 

We all carry our emotions. We all have them. I don't think that anyone is saying if we were in the BS's situation that we wouldn't have the same emotions. We are all human beings and none of us is flawless.

 

For me (in my situation only) the misery, the self esteem blows, the unhealthy behavior for both my guy and his ex was ridiculous. There was no reason for them to be together anymore. The hurt that he felt at being ignored for years, trying for therapy, her refusing to participate, then him sitting there like a frog in warm water waiting for it to boil and kill him, was insane.

 

I won't apologize for finding the man who would be so good to me, treat me so well, love me so fully. I apologize for the fact that it began in an affair, even if the marriage was dead. I wish that my guy had been more straightforward and left sooner. But the fact is, he DID leave. We DID date for some time before living together and raising a family. His children are okay with us and realize the utter dysfunction of the dead marriage.

 

There is no reason to come to this forum and read these stories if it makes your blood boil. It only makes you miserable and what good does that do you? None. You're not going to change the mind of any of the people post here. And they have a right to their own story. And to garner support when needed whether it be to stay in the affair, to end the affair, or to leave the current spouse and embark on a relationship with the affair partner. That is why they are here, to have those of us who have lived it rally around them, and Shutter, YOU have NO right to tell us we can't support those who are where we have been. I do not support the affair, but I certainly will support someone who is in one and needs answers, a shoulder, a friend.

 

If you don't like it, read another forum that is more tailored to your needs.

[krazikat]

We all carry our emotions. We all have them. I don't think that anyone is saying if we were in the BS's situation that we wouldn't have the same emotions. We are all human beings and none of us is flawless.

 

For me (in my situation only) the misery, the self esteem blows, the unhealthy behavior for both my guy and his ex was ridiculous. There was no reason for them to be together anymore. The hurt that he felt at being ignored for years, trying for therapy, her refusing to participate, then him sitting there like a frog in warm water waiting for it to boil and kill him, was insane.

 

I won't apologize for finding the man who would be so good to me, treat me so well, love me so fully. I apologize for the fact that it began in an affair, even if the marriage was dead. I wish that my guy had been more straightforward and left sooner. But the fact is, he DID leave. We DID date for some time before living together and raising a family. His children are okay with us and realize the utter dysfunction of the dead marriage.

 

There is no reason to come to this forum and read these stories if it makes your blood boil. It only makes you miserable and what good does that do you? None. You're not going to change the mind of any of the people post here. And they have a right to their own story. And to garner support when needed whether it be to stay in the affair, to end the affair, or to leave the current spouse and embark on a relationship with the affair partner. That is why they are here, to have those of us who have lived it rally around them, and Shutter, YOU have NO right to tell us we can't support those who are where we have been. I do not support the affair, but I certainly will support someone who is in one and needs answers, a shoulder, a friend.

 

If you don't like it, read another forum that is more tailored to your needs.

 

You are making the assumption that all posters think like you. There are many who seek various opinions. So I suppose your advice can be sent right back to you...if you don't like it, don't read it.

[Robert]

Let's keep the posts ON TOPIC and leave the insults to other other posters at the door, thanks

 

If you are having trouble with the topic then I would suggest re-reading the thread starters first post and go from there.

[woinlove]

WHat was it for you? Out of anger for the lies and mistreatment or mutual respect that things don't work out? How did it finish for you?

 

I ended it, not out of anger, but out of a realization that I wanted to be with a man I could trust and xMM was not that man. It was a good ending for me.

 

In general, I think a good ending to an affair is one where the lies and deception ends quickly, the sooner the better.

[PurpleCardigan]

WHat was it for you? Out of anger for the lies and mistreatment or mutual respect that things don't work out? How did it finish for you?

 

There are times when I think that it just ran it's course as my ex wasn't leaving his family and then I think that the best ending would have been to have walked away when I learned that he was married (we were already dating by then but I should have realized that he if was untruthful to his wife, he would be untruthful to me, too).

 

Post dating/sex, we tried the "friend" thing which then turned into an emotional affair which sucked the life out of me and I felt like was mixed messages -- he refuted that. We were then LC as we were co-workers and then one day we just stopped communicating. Still hurts like h*ll some days.

 

I do find myself being envious of posters like AnneBoylen who despite challenges found the strength to do what was best for her and her now husband and became a family. A rare story, but one that I find comfort in despite the bad ending to my situation. It's what I wanted when we were in the thick of our relationship, and the future faking indicated he wanted it, too.

 

So the best ending...again I'm still bitter and hurt for the lies (so maybe that is the real answer) but the love (or whatever it was) is fading...would have been to never get started in the first place by leaving when I learned the marital status. This was my first experience with dating a MM, and my last. I'm older but was so naive when it came to this scenario.

[Anne Boleyn]

Anne, the difference between the BS and ow is choice. It is not about righteous or unrighteous but lies and deceit and being forced into a situation that impacts their life, finances, health without knowledge. That is something that should not happen.

 

But that is exactly righteous and unrighteous... She made a choice, therefore, her hurt is earned and she has no right to talk about it because she brought it on herself. The BS did nothing, it just happened, she's a victim, so her hurt is righteous. She can inflict pain back and that's her right, because she's a victim.

 

There seems to be this distinction made that an affair must inflict pain, and as a result of that infliction of pain, the people who are part of the affair deserve equal or more pain, or are not allowed to feel that pain or regret in the loss of their relationship because of the pain it caused somebody else. They got what they deserved, just deal with it.

 

The truth of the matter is, for people who are in affairs, when the affairs end and they're emotionally invested, they feel pain. A lot of it. And we can minimize that or downplay it with the "but she deserved it" or "she made her bed," but the truth of the matter is there is a distinction being made based off of that righteous vs unrighteous. When you get down to it, if a BS and the OW/OM have way more in common than I think a lot of people, especially BS's want to admit. We hear from a BS "he broke a promise to me, he told me he loved me, he promised me the world, he promised me forever... The OW took it all from me" and the outpouring of sympathy is dramatic, especially if the BS is left for the OW/OM.

 

But if a OW/OM comes up and says "my AP broke a promise to me, they said they loved me, they promised me the world, they promised me forever... The BS took it all away from me" and the reaction is swift and harsh, saying that it was deserved, karma, etc etc. There are number of people who weigh in on how cruel, mean, unrealistic, thoughtless the OW/OM is... Nevermind it's the same argument used to underline the betrayal of the BS, nevermind the feelings of loss and abandonment are exactly the same... Because of the righteous vs unrighteous hurt designation, one of them is the complete victim, the other is the total villain. No room to consider that maybe there's some fault with the BS and some good with the OW/OM.

 

And I believe the intent of the poster was to say that some former ow come on here and post unhelpful comments to ow who are struggling and hurting. Things such as " my affair was never like that! My mm loooooved me and would never do that to me!" Type of stuff, which can come across as uncaring, cruel, bragging, etc. and rubbing a hurt ow nose in the fact that her mm is hurting her and the fOW was never that way.

 

But nobody here said that. Two people said that the outcome to their affairs was divorcing the BS and marrying their AP, and the response back was not one but two people, both BS's, who said that they wished the OW who have those outcomes would not post because it encourages people to have affairs, talks people into staying in theirs as opposed to leaving, or glorifies being in an affair. That does not describe the above reference concern at all.

 

And the board is for discussion and support for those in affairs, and you can offer support to someone who needs it without actually supporting their actions...and aren't former ow no longer in the affair? So come on, Anne, this is a public forum and anyone can post, be it WS, BS, fOW, none of the above, anyone. So what, BS post here. I have learned much from different posters of all back ground and experience...I welcome different perspectives. But I see her point. Giving an ow whose mm is clearly a douche "hope" is not helpful.

 

I never disputed anybody can post, only asked why if one is a BS who thinks that universally all OW are people who deserve discomfort or emotional distress over affairs or have no right to be angry, sad, or hurt when and if the affair ends... Why would they post here? It would seem that it causes more hurt than anything for those who aren't over it yet. And for those who are, but insist on reminding other OW/OM that they're these awful people who hurt other people out of selfishness, it would seem that they're taking out the aggression from their own affairs in a forum designed for OW/OM, meaning, there's a built in and easy-to-find pool of people to target. There's no help, advice, or discussion in telling people they're not good people, or they have no right to feel the pain they feel because somebody else hurts too.

 

Truth be really told, I think for some there's a definite ghoul aspect to it as well... They lurk until they see something dramatic and swoop in only to remind the OW/OM of how bad they are and how they've ruined lives.

 

In that sense, I don't see what the point is or why one would post.

 

I'm not saying no BS should post, I'd never say such a thing. But to say "I'm a BS and I've come to the OW/OM forum and the people who didn't fall on their face or get hurt as a result of their affairs shouldn't post because it hurts my feelings... I think they should be more humble"... I say... Why? This is exactly the forum to talk openly and frankly about such things in a way that I certainly get would be hurtful to a BS. In a forum aimed specifically at the OW/OM, there should be no call to be humble or focus only on the negative for fear of offending a BS who participates in a forum not aimed towards them.

 

As for giving the OW who's MM is a douche hope... That's not something anybody here does by sharing a story about how they worked out OK, or came through it battered but intact. That OW will have hope for as long as she wants it, she'll see any story that matches hers, if it isn't or not, as a sign to hold on, and any story or advice contrary to that as a hostile, a person who doesn't get it, or a completely different situation, even if it's not. Though again, we have another interesting righteous vs unrighteous situation... To give that OW hope about the relationship she has with douchy MM, that's unrighteous. Take that same douchy MM and substitute BS for OW, and hope springs eternal. Righteous.

 

I can't tell you how many times, popping around I've seen "MM had an affair, he says he loved her, but he's staying with me for the kids/because divorce is too expensive/doesn't want to disappoint family/doesn't believe in divorce... So now we're trying R and I think, one day he'll love me again/he'll realize he still loves me and doesn't know it/will make it up to me and we'll be happy/admit he loved us both but is willing to try to love me more" and the outpouring of support, advice, tactics, games, tests, even computer programs used to monitor if he's doing what he should be are all shared in abundance. Nevermind that we told the OW he's a douche and she shouldn't have hope of him being anything but a douche. To the BS, he's the forever to work on in order to keep the marriage afloat and he'll eventually (insert weird affair euphemism here, such as "the affair fog will lift" or "the endorphins from the affair will dissipate").

 

There are many people from all sides of the triangle who post here and on infidelity that actually are trying to help people by sharing their experiences. Not bragging about "snagging their man" but truly talking about the gritty and dirty *honest* facts. OW and BS get enough lies and ish from the mm...we can all learn from each other. But be humble.

 

But nobody here was talking about "snagging their man" or winning some sort of victory, yet the request was made, twice, by the visiting team as it were, to not post that people ended up marrying their AP. Somebody wanted honest answers about the best outcome to their affairs and they got them... For two people, it was divorcing the BS and marrying the AP and getting through the other side.

 

It just seems to me that there are people who mistake the "be humble" with "be only miserable and post only about how miserable you are." That's not some people's stories. And on a forum designed for OW/OM, there's no real need to be humble to an extent where we tell people who had thinks work out to a point where it was resolved that they shouldn't participate. This is a raw forum with raw emotions and if some of that is a trigger for the BS who drops in, the solution isn't to tell the people who the board was created for to not post, the solution is to examine if this area is the healthiest place for you.

 

In the end, regardless, this isn't really the forum for BS's to stake a flag and make the stand that affairs are awful. The audience here either knows and doesn't care, doesn't agree, or is here for support not related to hearing how terrible they are for being in the situation they're in in the first place.

[cocorico]

But that is exactly righteous and unrighteous... She made a choice, therefore, her hurt is earned and she has no right to talk about it because she brought it on herself. The BS did nothing, it just happened, she's a victim, so her hurt is righteous. She can inflict pain back and that's her right, because she's a victim.

 

There seems to be this distinction made that an affair must inflict pain, and as a result of that infliction of pain, the people who are part of the affair deserve equal or more pain, or are not allowed to feel that pain or regret in the loss of their relationship because of the pain it caused somebody else. They got what they deserved, just deal with it.

 

The truth of the matter is, for people who are in affairs, when the affairs end and they're emotionally invested, they feel pain. A lot of it. And we can minimize that or downplay it with the "but she deserved it" or "she made her bed," but the truth of the matter is there is a distinction being made based off of that righteous vs unrighteous. When you get down to it, if a BS and the OW/OM have way more in common than I think a lot of people, especially BS's want to admit. We hear from a BS "he broke a promise to me, he told me he loved me, he promised me the world, he promised me forever... The OW took it all from me" and the outpouring of sympathy is dramatic, especially if the BS is left for the OW/OM.

 

But if a OW/OM comes up and says "my AP broke a promise to me, they said they loved me, they promised me the world, they promised me forever... The BS took it all away from me" and the reaction is swift and harsh, saying that it was deserved, karma, etc etc. There are number of people who weigh in on how cruel, mean, unrealistic, thoughtless the OW/OM is... Nevermind it's the same argument used to underline the betrayal of the BS, nevermind the feelings of loss and abandonment are exactly the same... Because of the righteous vs unrighteous hurt designation, one of them is the complete victim, the other is the total villain. No room to consider that maybe there's some fault with the BS and some good with the OW/OM.

 

 

 

But nobody here said that. Two people said that the outcome to their affairs was divorcing the BS and marrying their AP, and the response back was not one but two people, both BS's, who said that they wished the OW who have those outcomes would not post because it encourages people to have affairs, talks people into staying in theirs as opposed to leaving, or glorifies being in an affair. That does not describe the above reference concern at all.

 

 

 

I never disputed anybody can post, only asked why if one is a BS who thinks that universally all OW are people who deserve discomfort or emotional distress over affairs or have no right to be angry, sad, or hurt when and if the affair ends... Why would they post here? It would seem that it causes more hurt than anything for those who aren't over it yet. And for those who are, but insist on reminding other OW/OM that they're these awful people who hurt other people out of selfishness, it would seem that they're taking out the aggression from their own affairs in a forum designed for OW/OM, meaning, there's a built in and easy-to-find pool of people to target. There's no help, advice, or discussion in telling people they're not good people, or they have no right to feel the pain they feel because somebody else hurts too.

 

Truth be really told, I think for some there's a definite ghoul aspect to it as well... They lurk until they see something dramatic and swoop in only to remind the OW/OM of how bad they are and how they've ruined lives.

 

In that sense, I don't see what the point is or why one would post.

 

I'm not saying no BS should post, I'd never say such a thing. But to say "I'm a BS and I've come to the OW/OM forum and the people who didn't fall on their face or get hurt as a result of their affairs shouldn't post because it hurts my feelings... I think they should be more humble"... I say... Why? This is exactly the forum to talk openly and frankly about such things in a way that I certainly get would be hurtful to a BS. In a forum aimed specifically at the OW/OM, there should be no call to be humble or focus only on the negative for fear of offending a BS who participates in a forum not aimed towards them.

 

As for giving the OW who's MM is a douche hope... That's not something anybody here does by sharing a story about how they worked out OK, or came through it battered but intact. That OW will have hope for as long as she wants it, she'll see any story that matches hers, if it isn't or not, as a sign to hold on, and any story or advice contrary to that as a hostile, a person who doesn't get it, or a completely different situation, even if it's not. Though again, we have another interesting righteous vs unrighteous situation... To give that OW hope about the relationship she has with douchy MM, that's unrighteous. Take that same douchy MM and substitute BS for OW, and hope springs eternal. Righteous.

 

I can't tell you how many times, popping around I've seen "MM had an affair, he says he loved her, but he's staying with me for the kids/because divorce is too expensive/doesn't want to disappoint family/doesn't believe in divorce... So now we're trying R and I think, one day he'll love me again/he'll realize he still loves me and doesn't know it/will make it up to me and we'll be happy/admit he loved us both but is willing to try to love me more" and the outpouring of support, advice, tactics, games, tests, even computer programs used to monitor if he's doing what he should be are all shared in abundance. Nevermind that we told the OW he's a douche and she shouldn't have hope of him being anything but a douche. To the BS, he's the forever to work on in order to keep the marriage afloat and he'll eventually (insert weird affair euphemism here, such as "the affair fog will lift" or "the endorphins from the affair will dissipate").

 

 

 

But nobody here was talking about "snagging their man" or winning some sort of victory, yet the request was made, twice, by the visiting team as it were, to not post that people ended up marrying their AP. Somebody wanted honest answers about the best outcome to their affairs and they got them... For two people, it was divorcing the BS and marrying the AP and getting through the other side.

 

It just seems to me that there are people who mistake the "be humble" with "be only miserable and post only about how miserable you are." That's not some people's stories. And on a forum designed for OW/OM, there's no real need to be humble to an extent where we tell people who had thinks work out to a point where it was resolved that they shouldn't participate. This is a raw forum with raw emotions and if some of that is a trigger for the BS who drops in, the solution isn't to tell the people who the board was created for to not post, the solution is to examine if this area is the healthiest place for you.

 

In the end, regardless, this isn't really the forum for BS's to stake a flag and make the stand that affairs are awful. The audience here either knows and doesn't care, doesn't agree, or is here for support not related to hearing how terrible they are for being in the situation they're in in the first place.

 

Brilliantly stated.

[goodyblue]

Brilliantly stated.

Agreed! (Ten characters).

[Fluttershy]

I think there was a slight hypersensitivity to what I said. I have never bashed OW. In fact I think I am a very empathetic poster. But in an affair te norm is one person's best endin is not someone else's whether it be the BS or the AP. the difference is the AP had the freedom to choose and in many sad cases te BS doesn't even realize the extent of any "marital problems real or imagined". I actually don't get m blood boiled. On a daily level it means nothing. But there are several gloaters on here who take every oppurtunity to brag. And some encorage others to continue on a destructive road. Those posters are the ones I wish wouldn't post. Not ecause of me. I could care less for myself. But for those who are on te fence and take it as hope. I wonder at your hypersensitivty to my post and overreaction. I actually wasn't talking about your post. It is posts that wind up on the BS forum or on other OWs situations.

And it wasn't that I don't think they should post in a "hard and fast rule". More in a "everyone thinks they are the exception to te rule" way. A musing.

Considering the damage and pain caused by an affair the ebst possible outcome is the WS gets what they deserve (Whether they need to leave, are a cake eater, or really love their spouse but are broken). The BS recovers quickly from the knife in their back and moves on (with or without the WS) and the AP knows what sort of WS their MP is and makes a descision that os best for them.

[Anne Boleyn]

I said this very thing the other day and was called out by a member in PM asking me exactly which posters had said that, if I would name names. I said of course not, that they were public and this person could find them... then was called out again. As if it doesn't happen. I've read it time and again.

 

I've read it too. I read one the other day where the BS said her MM and his OW had their second Dday and his OW went back to her H (I think because of the kids). H ended up saying after to the BS that he'd stay "for the kids" and try to work on things, but that he really loved OW and feels that she is his one and only. Now BS says he's trying, kind of, but she wonders what will happen if OW gets a divorce and if that means her H and OW will pick up, or if he'll eventually leave. Lots of reassurance about what she can do to coax love out of him again, how to get him invested, how to get OW out of the picture, even resignation that she'll never be as great a woman as OW, but if she can completely extricate OW, the idea of being the default choice won't be so bad.

 

And I'm reading this (did not participate) thinking... Um, what? My heart broke for this woman and all the people who were trying to talk her into being happy with somebody who wasn't really happy with her and is with her, and openly with her, only because OW wasn't available.

 

This kind of seeking hope in a hopeless situation is really reserved for a BS and her WS. Any such optimism, even if this story were told from the OW perspective of how much they loved each other and were trying to make it work and wanted to know how, would be immediately beat down. An OW could be on the threshold of happiness and resolving an affair positively, or resolving it so that they leave their BS, still a BS would come in and tell her there was no hope and she should let it go because he's a lying douche who's not good enough for her... But apparently just good enough for the BS.

[goodyblue]

I think there was a slight hypersensitivity to what I said. I have never bashed OW. In fact I think I am a very empathetic poster. But in an affair te norm is one person's best endin is not someone else's whether it be the BS or the AP. the difference is the AP had the freedom to choose and in many sad cases te BS doesn't even realize the extent of any "marital problems real or imagined". I actually don't get m blood boiled. On a daily level it means nothing. But there are several gloaters on here who take every oppurtunity to brag. And some encorage others to continue on a destructive road. Those posters are the ones I wish wouldn't post. Not ecause of me. I could care less for myself. But for those who are on te fence and take it as hope. I wonder at your hypersensitivty to my post and overreaction. I actually wasn't talking about your post. It is posts that wind up on the BS forum or on other OWs situations.

And it wasn't that I don't think they should post in a "hard and fast rule". More in a "everyone thinks they are the exception to te rule" way. A musing.

Considering the damage and pain caused by an affair the ebst possible outcome is the WS gets what they deserve (Whether they need to leave, are a cake eater, or really love their spouse but are broken). The BS recovers quickly from the knife in their back and moves on (with or without the WS) and the AP knows what sort of WS their MP is and makes a descision that os best for them.

 

Again, you haven't the right to tell anyone they can't post, especially when you are talking about OW/FOW in an OW forum. Read what you like, take what helps, let the rest go.

[Fluttershy]

Again, you haven't the right to tell anyone they can't post, especially when you are talking about OW/FOW in an OW forum. Read what you like, take what helps, let the rest go.

 

I'm pretty sure i said can't but only explained why I wish they wouldn't. I een explained it was more of a musing. I am sure you wish us BS stayed out of here. And many BS wish that OW stayed off their board. But it is an open forum and everyone Can post. Perhaps you are feeling a little hypersensitive?

[goodyblue]

I'm pretty sure i said can't but only explained why I wish they wouldn't. I een explained it was more of a musing. I am sure you wish us BS stayed out of here. And many BS wish that OW stayed off their board. But it is an open forum and everyone Can post. Perhaps you are feeling a little hypersensitive?

 

Not at all. I am fine with BS's being here, posting etc. It's when someone tells others who have worn the OW hat not to post that I find it is offensive. Post away, I enjoy reading it, and have no personal investment. But don't tell others you wish they wouldn't I never told you not to post. I simply stated that if it bothers you, don't read it. I hope I've been clear.

 

Just to be crystal, I love my guy:love: I'm proud of him. I think he did a great job of cleaning up a mess that he created and that I participated in. We're happy. I'm not rooting others on to go one way or another in their affair, but I DO say "this didn't happen in my case" etc, because it didn't. And there is no norm.

 

Enjoy your day.