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I can't avoid MM socially, common friends, at my breaking point again.


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My MM and his girlfriend (BS) are friends with my close friends. I can't seem to ever go to a party without having to deal with them.

 

My MM is NOT married, but he currently lives with his girlfriend, and he has been with the same gf on and off since a few months after we started our affair, 12 years ago. He always ends up being invited to the same parties as me. I have some very close friends that I've have for over 25yrs, and unfortunately due to connections with 2nd marriages with my friends, he and his girlfriend always seem to end up being invited to the same parties.

 

I am very, very close with the hosts of a bbq this weekend and the host even told me tonight that MM and his GF were not invited. Well, we all golf and tonight, once again, we ended up sitting together for drinks after golfing. Well, of course someone mentioned the bbq on Sunday and my MM quickly said he would go. He knows I will be there and that I have huge issues being around the BS (gf), but he is a cake eater and only cares about himself.

 

I had really been looking forward to the party this weekend as they were NOT invited. Then at the last minute tonight someone blurts it out and of course they are going. I'm so upset right now. He and his gf go to tons of other parties and I feel they should let me enjoy the few that I go to with my close friends. I have let him know over and over that I don't like being around her, and that she tries to get information from me and when I'm drinking I have a tendency to let things slip.

 

We've had two huge Ddays in the past, but I don't think she knows that MM and I have been back together for the past 6years. Since MM has his GF and me on the side, he should at least let me have these few parties a year to enjoy without them there. I don't want to give up my friends, but now I am so upset I want to make some comment to her at this party about MM and me. Deep down I know it wouldn't matter. She'd get upset for a week or so, MM would throw me under the bus, and I'd be more hurt then them. I know this because this is what happened at the last two Ddays in 2001 and 2004.

 

I can't just drop all my friends. I feel that MM should avoid these common parties (there are about 6-8 a year). He is the one risking me blurting something out to his GF but he doesn't seem to care or why else would he go?

 

Anyway, I read about OW working at the same place at MM and how hard it is . What can you do when you have common friends? Give up your friends and support system as well as your MM?

 

Anyone else in this situation? I'm so frustrated. I'm willing to put up with being the OW, but feel he should let me have the parties.

 

I'm just so upset about this turn of events, again, tonight. Sucks..

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findingnemo

12 years and MM is not M? Is the R still ongoing? I can't tell since you openly admit he is a cake eater.

 

If you are not M and he is not M, then you have been having a R. Which amongst you is the OW? You or her?

 

Blow this thing wide open ASAP! I can understand that you still love him regardless of how he has treated you. If you want him for yourself (keeping in mind that his view of a R is tricky), then what's stopping you from ensuring everybody knows about you? Why are you loving in secret when you have no reason to?

 

Confusing!!:confused:

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Thank you all for the feedback. I know that this triangle I am in is very toxic to me. I've been mostly a lurker on here for years, so I know all the dynamics at work. He was actually married and part of the crowd when I first started my affair with him. I was only a few months into the affair when he met his GF. He actually left his marriage for his GF. But he and I kept our secret relationship going. After less than a year I told the GF everything. Dday 1. The usual happened, she got upset but they worked it out, he avoided me for a few months then we started seeing each other again. Dday 2 was similar, but this time MM (I don't know what else to call him) got so mad at me that we didn't talk for about a year and a half. Then we got back together about 6 years ago.

 

We usually get together about 1x a week. The drama is at a minimum unless there is a common party, or we (my friends and I) run into them like we did last night. I know the whole thing is ridiculous and I'm ashamed that I've let someone treat me like this, and I'm even more ashamed that I haven't had the guts to break it off. I'm not waiting for him to pick me, as I know he won't. He wants to marry the GF but she refuses to marry him. He doesn't lie to me and tell me bad things about her or pretend that it's me he really wants.

 

I've been to many counselors over the years.

 

I guess for today, for this weekend, I just wanted to enjoy my friends and not have to deal with seeing her. Of course once drinking is involved, and I get jealous, it makes me want to let it slip that we are still seeing each other, but like I said, I'd be the one hurt.

 

This morning, now that the wine has worn off, I'm embarrassed at my behavior last night. I didn't say anything to her, but when they left I blabbed a bunch of stuff to my friends.

 

So, on top of everything else, I continue to make things awkward for everyone. So I can't sleep, and he is home enjoying his double life.

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findingnemo
Thank you all for the feedback. I know that this triangle I am in is very toxic to me. I've been mostly a lurker on here for years, so I know all the dynamics at work. He was actually married and part of the crowd when I first started my affair with him. I was only a few months into the affair when he met his GF. He actually left his marriage for his GF. But he and I kept our secret relationship going. After less than a year I told the GF everything. Dday 1. The usual happened, she got upset but they worked it out, he avoided me for a few months then we started seeing each other again. Dday 2 was similar, but this time MM (I don't know what else to call him) got so mad at me that we didn't talk for about a year and a half. Then we got back together about 6 years ago.

 

We usually get together about 1x a week. The drama is at a minimum unless there is a common party, or we (my friends and I) run into them like we did last night. I know the whole thing is ridiculous and I'm ashamed that I've let someone treat me like this, and I'm even more ashamed that I haven't had the guts to break it off. I'm not waiting for him to pick me, as I know he won't. He wants to marry the GF but she refuses to marry him. He doesn't lie to me and tell me bad things about her or pretend that it's me he really wants.

 

I've been to many counselors over the years.

 

I guess for today, for this weekend, I just wanted to enjoy my friends and not have to deal with seeing her. Of course once drinking is involved, and I get jealous, it makes me want to let it slip that we are still seeing each other, but like I said, I'd be the one hurt.

 

This morning, now that the wine has worn off, I'm embarrassed at my behavior last night. I didn't say anything to her, but when they left I blabbed a bunch of stuff to my friends.

 

So, on top of everything else, I continue to make things awkward for everyone. So I can't sleep, and he is home enjoying his double life.

 

Okay...this is indeed a very complicated situation. You do seem aware of the mistakes you made. The first one was agreeing to see him as a OW when he was M and the second when he got a gf.

 

This guy is obviously used to having two women now. He likes it and you are enabling him. He may very well get another one to replace you if you leave. Perhaps he doesn't think "love" is something real. There are people who choose their spouses based on "practical" reasons. It could be anything.

 

But enough about him. This is about you now. MM has clearly shown you that YOU are not his choice. It hurts but his actions make that clear. He has also shown YOU that he is able to cheat on not less than 3 women. Wow! He is a piece of work. You know that. What are you going to do about it?

 

Simplify things: 1) you want him for yourself, or 2) you don't want him at all. Think in terms of black and white and pick an option. If 2, then your next step is easy. No discussion, no warning, nothing - cut him off. He doesn't deserve an explanation. Ignore calls, texts, emails. Refuse to engage in conversation should he seek you out. Get angry over his continuos betrayal and act on that anger.

 

If 1, then expose to his gf AGAIN. Tell all your friends you are seeing him. Live your R in the open. It's up to him to explain himself. He will be forced to either be with you or cut you off.

 

Personally, I'd go with 2. Cutting him off will enable you to move on because it is in your control. He has become dependent on you, I'm sure. So he will try everything to get you back in that non-entity position. Develop self control and know that as hard as it may be, you are doing something for you. For your own sake, take pity on yourself. Would you advise any friend of yours to stay in this kind of mess?

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stillafool

I think if you don't want to see MM and his gf at the BBQ you should stay home. Simple as that. You can't expect him to give up his friends either. You have put up with this for 12 years and you know he is not going to leave his gf for you. You two had your chance to be together and he by passed it up to be with his current gf. I think you should try to meet a man of your own and not waste another 12 years on this guy. Sooner or later he is going to marry this girl.

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Okay...this is indeed a very complicated situation. You do seem aware of the mistakes you made. The first one was agreeing to see him as a OW when he was M and the second when he got a gf.

 

This guy is obviously used to having two women now. He likes it and you are enabling him. He may very well get another one to replace you if you leave. Perhaps he doesn't think "love" is something real. There are people who choose their spouses based on "practical" reasons. It could be anything.

 

But enough about him. This is about you now. MM has clearly shown you that YOU are not his choice. It hurts but his actions make that clear. He has also shown YOU that he is able to cheat on not less than 3 women. Wow! He is a piece of work. You know that. What are you going to do about it?

 

Simplify things: 1) you want him for yourself, or 2) you don't want him at all. Think in terms of black and white and pick an option. If 2, then your next step is easy. No discussion, no warning, nothing - cut him off. He doesn't deserve an explanation. Ignore calls, texts, emails. Refuse to engage in conversation should he seek you out. Get angry over his continuos betrayal and act on that anger.

 

If 1, then expose to his gf AGAIN. Tell all your friends you are seeing him. Live your R in the open. It's up to him to explain himself. He will be forced to either be with you or cut you off.

 

Personally, I'd go with 2. Cutting him off will enable you to move on because it is in your control. He has become dependent on you, I'm sure. So he will try everything to get you back in that non-entity position. Develop self control and know that as hard as it may be, you are doing something for you. For your own sake, take pity on yourself. Would you advise any friend of yours to stay in this kind of mess?

 

#1 I wouldn't do, it would only be a rerun of the previous ddays and I would feel humiliated for making such a big scene.

 

#2 is what I plan all the time, but the bottom line I always come back to is I can't really cut him off unless I cut off all my friends. I still will see him at parties, golfing, happy hours, etc. It is not easy to just go and get new friends. I've knows these people for over 25 years.

 

It is very hard to make a clean break.

 

I do sometimes wonder if she knows about us and just accepts it. How could she not know?

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I think if you don't want to see MM and his gf at the BBQ you should stay home. Simple as that. You can't expect him to give up his friends either. You have put up with this for 12 years and you know he is not going to leave his gf for you. You two had your chance to be together and he by passed it up to be with his current gf. I think you should try to meet a man of your own and not waste another 12 years on this guy. Sooner or later he is going to marry this girl.

 

The reason I feel MM should stay away is because he has an entire huge group of people to hang out with (friends of his GFs), and he knows I have a hard time seeing the gf at parties, etc. I have told him this over and over. I think this is a sacrifice he should make. It's a small one to him, but a huge one to me to give up my friends. Plus, he is not really close with this group as I am. But of course he doesn't think about my feelings, it is all about him. I think my request for him to avoid these parties is reasonable.

 

I agree that sooner or later he will marry the girl. I do want to meet a man of my own. I even signed up for a dating service a few weeks ago. So far no luck, but I will keep trying.

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ThatJustHappened

Oh my. Your story makes me very sad. You obviously have zero sense of self worth. This man uses you as a dirty mat to wipe his filthy feet on and you just lay there and take it, and you've probably missed out on countless other dating opportunities because of it. 12 years? And he left his wife for a different OW? AND they're on/off? He has had countless opportunities to be with you and he hasn't taken any of them.

 

Honestly, the only way I can see for you to get out of this is to tell his girlfriend. Firstly because she deserves to know, and secondly because then hopefully he'll be angry enough at you to leave your group of friends and you can be at peace.

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Why do you willingly enter into such an unhealthy situation when you already know the pitfalls? You cannot claim ignorance or being naive. Why do you feel you must fill the role of OW in this situation?

 

I think about this all the time. The best I've been able to figure out thru counseling and my own analysis, is that I never got the love I needed as a child. My parents were aloof. I must feel inside that I don't deserve any better. I am trying to duplicate not getting the love I needed, as it's all I know.

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whichwayisup
He knows I will be there and that I have huge issues being around the BS (gf), but he is a cake eater and only cares about himself.

 

Then end it or accept the fact that you've had a 12 year affair with someone who is living with someone and they aren't breaking up. She isn't going anywhere. Learn to deal with her being around, or you cancel and don't go.

 

 

I can't just drop all my friends. I feel that MM should avoid these common parties (there are about 6-8 a year). He is the one risking me blurting something out to his GF but he doesn't seem to care or why else would he go?

 

Why should he avoid? He has just as much right to be there as you. He's just better at hiding the A and what is going on between the two of and not let it be shown something is happening there.. He is carrying on and living his life, you should as well.

 

Would you blurt it out and tell her in a party atmosphere? Really?

 

Why would he go? Because it's a party and he is around all his friends. This isn't all about you. He isn't just going to tempt you or test you. Again, he is living life with his girlfriend and going to a party. Just like you - going to a party you've been invited to.

 

End it. Once and for all. Don't be afraid of the pain.

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findingnemo
#1 I wouldn't do, it would only be a rerun of the previous ddays and I would feel humiliated for making such a big scene.

 

#2 is what I plan all the time, but the bottom line I always come back to is I can't really cut him off unless I cut off all my friends. I still will see him at parties, golfing, happy hours, etc. It is not easy to just go and get new friends. I've knows these people for over 25 years.

 

It is very hard to make a clean break.

 

I do sometimes wonder if she knows about us and just accepts it. How could she not know?

 

Who said the only way to cut him off is by leaving your current social circle? You can still make a decision that it is over and enforce it even when you see him on a daily basis. Just stop sleeping with him. Stop talking to him. Stop thinking there is something between the two of you. Reject the R you have and be polite and brief in public.

 

Once you decide he means nothing to you, it will become easy to party with him and his gf in the same room. NC means you do not initiate contact. Obviously it is easier if you could somehow erase him from the face of the earth, but alas, for most APs, the WS is someone they can't avoid 100%.

 

I couldn't change my social circle either.

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Oh my. Your story makes me very sad. You obviously have zero sense of self worth. This man uses you as a dirty mat to wipe his filthy feet on and you just lay there and take it, and you've probably missed out on countless other dating opportunities because of it. 12 years? And he left his wife for a different OW? AND they're on/off? He has had countless opportunities to be with you and he hasn't taken any of them.

 

Honestly, the only way I can see for you to get out of this is to tell his girlfriend. Firstly because she deserves to know, and secondly because then hopefully he'll be angry enough at you to leave your group of friends and you can be at peace.

 

Wow, I wonder if telling his gf would actually cause him to leave my group of friends? Now that I think about it, for that period of time that he was so angry at me for dday 2, I really didn't see him at any social gathering for 1.5 yrs.

 

As far as the other things you said, you are right on.

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Praying4Peace

Just a thought- what Lady Grey just said about the two of you making him feel like The Man is so true. When he's just NOTHING. It's an illusion and you are playing a part in it. If you were to inform the GF and then step away, you would bring that all tumbling down. Trust me, she would see him as the slimey, no good POS that he is. And one that got dumped by you- which would further lower his value.

 

Women are very intune with what other women think. That's why the A dynamic is so beneficial to the MM. He MUST be hot stuff if two women are after him.

 

I would tell her, and then drop him cold. Also let her know she can HAVE him, because YOU can do better. I don't care if you don't feel that way, express it and it'll become real in time. You can do this. You'll feel so good and empowered. That man has stripped you of all your power, self worth and self esteem. Time to put him in the trash where he belongs. His GF deserves better too but that's her business after you tell her.

 

Any kind, single man you date after him is going to feel like Prince Charming after this POS.

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The reason I feel MM should stay away is because he has an entire huge group of people to hang out with (friends of his GFs), and he knows I have a hard time seeing the gf at parties, etc. I have told him this over and over. I think this is a sacrifice he should make. It's a small one to him, but a huge one to me to give up my friends. Plus, he is not really close with this group as I am. But of course he doesn't think about my feelings, it is all about him. I think my request for him to avoid these parties is reasonable.

 

I agree that sooner or later he will marry the girl. I do want to meet a man of my own. I even signed up for a dating service a few weeks ago. So far no luck, but I will keep trying.

 

He doesn't care how YOU feel. He cares about getting what he wants - no matter the cost of hurting others!

 

Why is a man that's so cruel attractive to YOU?

 

You do this to yourself. Why do you choose to harm yourself?

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I don't understand you....Why you chase the MM like a crazy woman? HE DOES NOT WANT YOU!!!!!

 

Do you understand there has an English term called - give up?!. Why don't you give up and find other millions men, why you act like Bunny Boiler to tell his GF or whatever to make D-Day happening, but he still does not want you!! for #$$% sake.

 

Why don't think highly about yourself? You should think yourself as a pricess, queen, DESERVE THE BEST IN THE WORLD, yours and only yours...

 

Net - He is not into you at all, time already tell. LET IT GO, MOVE ON.

 

Again, repeat it to yourself...he does not love you, he does not want you. You are not a trash ugly woman, you are better than his other women/GF. You should leave him alone.

 

Thank you all for the feedback. I know that this triangle I am in is very toxic to me. I've been mostly a lurker on here for years, so I know all the dynamics at work. He was actually married and part of the crowd when I first started my affair with him. I was only a few months into the affair when he met his GF. He actually left his marriage for his GF. But he and I kept our secret relationship going. After less than a year I told the GF everything. Dday 1. The usual happened, she got upset but they worked it out, he avoided me for a few months then we started seeing each other again. Dday 2 was similar, but this time MM (I don't know what else to call him) got so mad at me that we didn't talk for about a year and a half. Then we got back together about 6 years ago.

 

We usually get together about 1x a week. The drama is at a minimum unless there is a common party, or we (my friends and I) run into them like we did last night. I know the whole thing is ridiculous and I'm ashamed that I've let someone treat me like this, and I'm even more ashamed that I haven't had the guts to break it off. I'm not waiting for him to pick me, as I know he won't. He wants to marry the GF but she refuses to marry him. He doesn't lie to me and tell me bad things about her or pretend that it's me he really wants.

 

I've been to many counselors over the years.

 

I guess for today, for this weekend, I just wanted to enjoy my friends and not have to deal with seeing her. Of course once drinking is involved, and I get jealous, it makes me want to let it slip that we are still seeing each other, but like I said, I'd be the one hurt.

 

This morning, now that the wine has worn off, I'm embarrassed at my behavior last night. I didn't say anything to her, but when they left I blabbed a bunch of stuff to my friends.

 

So, on top of everything else, I continue to make things awkward for everyone. So I can't sleep, and he is home enjoying his double life.

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That does not make any sense in this case. clearly in this case, even OP herself knows the MM does not love her, does not want to marry her at all; MM only wants to marry GF as long term partner but GF does not want to marry MM.

 

Clearly the OP knows she is being used only for 1X per week to serve the guy's purpose. So tell us why the OP still wants to be stick with the MM who clearly known having zero interest upon her?

 

Many OWs want to be loved. I see this all the time. They want to know they were loved even if the affair is irreversibly over.

 

It seems you kn ow everything there is to know and you still do the same old behaviors. This is difficult for any pysch counselor.

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If you know he won't change - what do you plan to change - that would make things different/better for yourself?

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Many OWs want to be loved. I see this all the time. They want to know they were loved even if the affair is irreversibly over.

 

It seems you kn ow everything there is to know and you still do the same old behaviors. This is difficult for any pysch counselor.

 

Surely this is true at the end of any relationship? It's human nature to want to know that the time invested in someone's life was of value.....

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That does not make any sense in this case. clearly in this case, even OP herself knows the MM does not love her, does not want to marry her at all; MM only wants to marry GF as long term partner but GF does not want to marry MM.

 

Clearly the OP knows she is being used only for 1X per week to serve the guy's purpose. So tell us why the OP still wants to be stick with the MM who clearly known having zero interest upon her?

 

Mount, you have restated the basics very accurately. Seeing this all in print has me sickened. I've avoided posting here in the past because I know how pathetic my actions have been. I do not know why I maintain this relationship, nor do I know why the thought of ending it scares the heck out of me.

 

I posted last night because I was so upset about the silly bbq, but you all are helping me to really focus on the big picture.

 

Thank you all.

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I can help you tell why - simple - it is an Addiction.

 

Just like those deadbeat who are aware that having more debts won't resolve their fundamental financial problem, but they keep borrowing more, put themslves in more deeper black hole. Likewise, alchol, drug addiction, no intend to repeat more here.

 

Net, you want (and can not let go ) the instant gratification from the so-called affair/relationship with the MM, to soothing your deep down psychological issue.

 

 

Mount, you have restated the basics very accurately. Seeing this all in print has me sickened. I've avoided posting here in the past because I know how pathetic my actions have been. I do not know why I maintain this relationship, nor do I know why the thought of ending it scares the heck out of me.

 

I posted last night because I was so upset about the silly bbq, but you all are helping me to really focus on the big picture.

 

Thank you all.

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Skip the BBQ. Don't bother with telling the GF. Being his former OW and then 2 D-days, she knows what he is.

 

You need to make a plan for yourself right now and the less drama the better. Have you considered counseling? It would be a good start. You may want to also consider getting angry. He has treated you horribly for years.

 

You are better than this. You deserve more than this. Don't give him your power. He is a a huge jerk.

 

Don't have sex with him again. If you must, please use protection. You know what he is too.

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You say "you can't" but really, you can.

 

It's your choice. When you do contrary action you will get a different result.

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I can help you tell why - simple - it is an Addiction.

 

Just like those deadbeat who are aware that having more debts won't resolve their fundamental financial problem, but they keep borrowing more, put themslves in more deeper black hole. Likewise, alchol, drug addiction, no intend to repeat more here.

 

Net, you want (and can not let go ) the instant gratification from the so-called affair/relationship with the MM, to soothing your deep down psychological issue.

 

Yes, I am certainly addicted to "the relationship." I have no monetary debts, no drug addictions, no history of addiction, but clearly I'm addicted to this so-called relationship, whatever it is. Do these guys scope us out? How do they know? Those are rhetorical questions...

 

Actually thinking of it this way, as just an addiction, somehow makes it less personal to me. This is a good thing.

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Sometimes it seems that we cling to the devil we know, even when it's not good for us.

 

10yrs, you have more power than you are giving yourself credit for. You really do! I am guessing that you have survived a lot in your life, abuse maybe, right?

 

Ladygrey, it would surprise you to know that I'm a very strong person. I come off as a meek pushover, but really I am not. I'm a survivor. Thank god that no, I have not been physically abused. I mentioned my parents were aloof, but they just ignored us (me and my sisters), they did not abuse us physically. I didn't get hugs or "I love you" from them, but we were fed and clothed.

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I get it, but if the relationship is over and with no hope then the concept of being loved is moot. In fact, it is probably best if there is no love. in this instance it is easier to move on. If you believe you are loved then moving on becomes quite difficult.

 

He loves me. We have shared much over the past 12 or so years. He loves his GF more. He is addicted to her as I am to him. That is what I think. When he speaks of her it is like me speaking of him. Yes we always have sex, but we also have years of sharing with each other. I know he has never picked me over her, and he never will. Just being honest. I don't understand why he doesn't prefer me over her, but I accept it.

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