Time/Quality Time/Spent Time

[LFH]

How much time would you say you spend in contact with your AP?

 

How much of that is quality time? By that I mean time spent connecting in some way or another, talking, interacting, things like playing a game together, making love, long conversations, either in person or not as long as the two of you are actively engaging with one another. I'd even include watching a specific tv show or movie if you both enjoy it, talk about it and don't passively sit in the same room together staring at a screen.

 

How much time do you spend by not really interacting at all?

 

How much of it is "passive time" where you might be idly texting or chatting while doing other things?

 

I'm looking forward to these responses.

Edited March 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissBee]

There was a similar thread recently about constant contact and it appeared that many APs, for obvious reasons, find it easier to be in constant contact electronically whereas if they were an open couple or lived together it might be different. I think that may be why those in affairs sometimes appear to be the most engaged, they probably are, but in a particular kind of way.

 

When I was in the A, I spoke to him everyday, several times a day, through phone calls, emails, video chat etc. I don't know how to characterize it as quality or not. I enjoyed it so I think I'd say it was quality, although sprinkled in, were times when it was simply passing conversation and not a one on one, intimate, setting time aside thing. I think there is a difference between how you spend your time when you know it may be limited or constrained versus more free. It's like people who had a near death experience, and then all of a sudden you are keenly aware that life is short, so they live differently than when they took it for granted. In the same vein, for me, and others I'm sure, being with their AP didn't come freely, and was constrained so there may have been a more "make it count" mentality than if it was not the case. When we visited each other, as it was also LD, I definitely noticed that. In daily life though we communicated a lot about every and anything as that is how we "shared our lives."

 

Comparing that to other relationships, several things differ 1)Because of the dynamic of it as an A and 2)simply because of him/us/our specific relationship and compatibility. With my boyfriend after the A...we spent more "quality time" in person so to speak; however, I think our emotional intimacy was lacking, whereas with my exAP we had more emotional intimacy even though less face time. But at the end of the day, I realized that I wanted the intimacy with my AP but packaged in the same level of availability and openness of the regular R with my single boyfriend. As the quality time with my AP, esp face time, was ALWAYS bitter sweet as I knew that it was constrained and limited and sometimes frustrating. With my SG, there was more of a sense of peace of mind where I knew I could come and go and spend time with him as I wanted to which felt very different from the constrains of the A, in which quality time, while sweet, was either always mediated through electronic media or constrained by time, where we could only spend X amount of time together.

[waterwoman]

I'm just curious, I was having a discussion with friends regarding the amount of time they spend with their significant others and I was amazed at the differences in answers among even very similiar groups. Some of it was really sad to hear and some was almost startling. It appears to me that APs might be the most engaged of all couples and I was curious to see if that holds true here.

 

.

 

I don't find it amazing, or even sad.

 

My primary relationship is the backbone of my life, it is the essential part that is strong and reliable. If it isn't strong and reliable it's no good to me. There are times when I have to take it a bit more for granted - that is the nature of a long-term relationship on which you have built an entire life. H's affair has taught us both a lesson about taking the relationship too much for granted but we still have 3 kids, jobs, animals, housework, and most significantly of all we have all those things around us while we are conducting that relationship, there is no let up, no time off. But that is the choice we made. And as long as we keep communicating and treasuring each other as much as we can, we'll have more time for us as life eases up.

[Poppy fields]

My time with my former AP was limited for a variety of reasons. We spent all time we had together totally connecting and engaged. I feel that was the nature of our relationship though. Limited time that we tried to fill in the best ways we possibly could. There was never any idle time to be had. Idle time was him dealing with his responsibities and I dealing with mine.

[cocorico]

All of our time together was quality time. It still is.

[Silly_Girl]

Honestly, it felt like it was all quality time. I know that doing the food shopping or researching a new car is mundane stuff, but it all felt like quality time. And it's a cliché, I know, but due to the restrictions on time we made the most of all the time we spent together.

 

In my current relationship EVERYTHING feels like quality time. Apart from 12 hours of house-packing we did on Saturday (!), from the most insignificant tasks to the most wonderful evenings out, it all feels like quality time.

[PurpleGal]

Hmm. Let's see. We spend the day together once a week, which is all "quality time". We may go out or stay in, but it's all time we're just focused on each other. Then, we talk on the phone a few times a week. I'd consider it "quality time" as well, because we both really enjoy it and find it to be a way of connecting when we're apart. Then, we IM throughout the day. It's not excessive, but we're almost never unaware of what the other is up to. I know at what temperature his child's fever currently is, he knows what I just got on my anatomy quiz.

 

We don't have a ton of face time, but we're intimately involved in each other's lives. I can contrast this to when I was living with my husband. Even when things were relatively good, I don't think we shared the details the way I do with MM. Dinner covered the highlights of the day, weekends were busy with activities. Still intimate, but just in a different way.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Since we work together, we see each other at least once or twice a day, but it's just in passing and we act professional.

 

We see each other once or twice a week where we can just be us and together. It is ALWAYS quality time. We talk on the phone a couple times a week and text everyday. Except Sunday. We've never talked about not talking on Sundays, we just kind of don't. Part of it.

[AnotherRound]

I would say that for me, I'm always really engaged in any relationship I'm in - the affair with exMM was no different. I place a very high value on that connection - and if it's not there, or we aren't nurturing it - then I don't consider it a SO relationship and I move on (if it becomes chronic). To me, there just isn't any point to continuing if there isn't a daily connection - I won't give that up or let it slide unless there is some true emergency - bc to me, that is what keeps two people connected and invested in one another.

 

With exMM, we were connecting at a deep level daily - through hours long phone calls where we discussed many things - the mundane silly stuff to our philosophies on life and the world. We discussed politics, our belief, our dreams, our goals - our frustrations, our fears, our successes and our failures. It was something that he used to note often in that he didn't have a lot of other people that could discuss these things with him - have these deep conversations about things - and he had become very aware over the years that he not only wanted that in his life and his partner - but needed it. It made him, imo, feel extremely close and connected to me that he and I were able to have these types of convos pretty much daily - that we both enjoyed them and could both hold our own in them.

 

We saw each other quite frequently - pretty much whenever we wanted (unless he was the only adult home with his children or something like that). So, we probably spent every other night together, talked daily (he hates texting, lol), and spent many weekends away together just the two of us and went out frequently with one another for dinner, dancing, music.

 

But like I said - I connect like this in every relationship I have -or I don't have the relationship. It is truly the most important thing to me and I have seen how it builds connection and commitment for me and my partner, so I won't do without it. I would consider this quality time - in that we took the time to discuss things beyond what we were having for dinner - bc we both have seen how that type of relationship creates distance and resentment and disconnection and neither of us wanted that for us.

[stevie_23]

When I was with my ex-MM, all our time was “quality” time because we were long distance and when we came together to chat online, talk on the phone, have lengthy text conversations, we were 100% focused on each other. There was no “passive” time spent together in our situation.

[MissBee]

When I was with my ex-MM, all our time was “quality” time because we were long distance and when we came together to chat online, talk on the phone, have lengthy text conversations, we were 100% focused on each other. There was no “passive” time spent together in our situation.

 

This makes sense.

 

It's like this past weekend one of my dear friends came to visit me. The entire weekend was quality time, we were here and there doing this and that and stayed up late into the night talking. I don't see her a lot anymore since we both moved away to do our thing. However, 2 years ago we were roommates and while we spent many nights as roommate up chatting, having deep talks, took road trips, etc.we also had lots of passive time, where we both were engrossed in our own thing, as we lived together. I think it's a normal orientation when you are around someone a lot. Passive time isn't always neglect or a sign of deterioration.

[stevie_23]

No, you NEED a certain amount of passive time. Quiet time. What they call “parallel play” in kids, where you’re together doing your own thing, but not actively engaged in doing the same thing.

 

You need it to create balance. Active and passive time. In a LDR there is no passive time, and it creates a total imbalance. My ex and I discussed this quite a bit. How we had no balance. We were clingy because we never got enough time together and were under the affair and long distance restrictions. NORMAL couples get both active and passive time and it creates that required balance for a healthy relationship.

[MissBee]

No, you NEED a certain amount of passive time. Quiet time. What they call “parallel play” in kids, where you’re together doing your own thing, but not actively engaged in doing the same thing.

 

You need it to create balance. Active and passive time. In a LDR there is no passive time, and it creates a total imbalance. My ex and I discussed this quite a bit. How we had no balance. We were clingy because we never got enough time together and were under the affair and long distance restrictions. NORMAL couples get both active and passive time and it creates that required balance for a healthy relationship.

 

Yess I can totally relate to that and also find LDRs plus an A which is an LDR to be sort of unnatural in some ways.

[stevie_23]

VERY unnatural. We weren’t supposed to be together in the first place. We couldn’t properly be together in a natural, relaxed and balanced way because of the affair and the distance. So when we WERE together, it was like a sort of desperation. We were in a sort of constant emotional pain and longing when we weren’t together and when we were together, it’d be a relief. But even when we were together, we STILL weren’t really TOGETHER.

 

One small example was my ex-MM did Aikido (martial arts) classes for a while, and he had a class on Saturday afternoon and one on Tuesday night. We never chatted Saturday afternoon cause my partner and I spent time together, but Tuesday night we chatted and so we had this big discussion about how we didn’t want to lose that chat time due to his class, but that he should do this for HIM and we had to try to be more balanced even within our unbalanced situation and still live for ourselves as well as each other. And yet, if we’d just been together like a normal couple, it would’ve been fine. He’d go to class, then he’d come home. No discussion required. Lol.

[eleanorrigby]

No, you NEED a certain amount of passive time. Quiet time. What they call “parallel play” in kids, where you’re together doing your own thing, but not actively engaged in doing the same thing.

 

You need it to create balance. Active and passive time. In a LDR there is no passive time, and it creates a total imbalance. My ex and I discussed this quite a bit. How we had no balance. We were clingy because we never got enough time together and were under the affair and long distance restrictions. NORMAL couples get both active and passive time and it creates that required balance for a healthy relationship.

 

I never really thought about that, but it rings true to me. Right now for the last couple of years husband and I have been joined at the hip and together practically 24/7. I like it but I also like it when we are together but not interacting as well. The time off even when we are in the same room is necessary. Sometimes we are both at home doing our thing for a few hours and then we give each other the look and know it's time to play and/or talk.

[stevie_23]

Maybe this is why the hyper intense relationships (that tend to be even more so in LDR and affairs because of the added restrictions and hardship) tend to fizzle out quicker, because there’s no down time. No passive time. It’s ALL active focused time and you get emotionally exhausted on some level! Or you end up bored or resentful from a lack of space eventually.

 

My best friend and one of her ex-partners, they lived together in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment and were literally joined at the hip and did EVERYTHING together. ALL active time. A few times I’d notice them talking, like “What do you want to do now?” “I want to watch a DVD” “But I don’t feel like that right now” “Oh. What do we do then!??!?” and I was like…uh…why not just do what each of you want to do SEPARATELY!?!? Lol.

 

Couples that have more of a balance are just…happier, I think.

[cocorico]

Maybe this is why the hyper intense relationships (that tend to be even more so in LDR and affairs because of the added restrictions and hardship) tend to fizzle out quicker, because there’s no down time. No passive time. It’s ALL active focused time and you get emotionally exhausted on some level! Or you end up bored or resentful from a lack of space eventually.

 

 

My A was LDR. Which suited me because having my space is extremely important to me. I cannot be "on" for any sustained period. I get socially overloaded very quickly and need to withdraw to recharge.

 

The move from LDA to living together was very risky for me because of that. But because we had gotten to know each other so very well during the A, in a way that "normal" dating couples simply can't even approach, it was shockingly easy. There was never any need to be "on" with each other, or to maintain social niceties or polite conventions. We could simply be our authentic selves full time.

 

Yes, in many ways we are "joined at the hip" spending pretty much every day together all day (both working from home, working together on many projects) but its comfortable and enjoyable, rather than demanding. Whether we are scrubbing the kitchen floor or debating Actor Network Theory's strengths and limitations or reading poems to each other, we relish being together and make each moment another happy memory to stack up in our memory bank. It's the very opposite of boredom.

[Got it]

How much time would you say you spend in contact with your AP?

 

How much of that is quality time? By that I mean time spent connecting in some way or another, talking, interacting, things like playing a game together, making love, long conversations, either in person or not as long as the two of you are actively engaging with one another. I'd even include watching a specific tv show or movie if you both enjoy it, talk about it and don't passively sit in the same room together staring at a screen.

 

How much time do you spend by not really interacting at all?

 

How much of it is "passive time" where you might be idly texting or chatting while doing other things?

 

I'm looking forward to these responses.

 

Okay, time is a little blurred now especially trying to separate out "passive time" and "active time". But we saw each other almost every day, we spent about 2-5 days a week after work together, 1-2 overnights a week together, and phone and texting time. If he was with the kids, more limited, but after bedtime, etc. then more. Same went with work, if busy working less time talking, less busy working more time.

 

We would watch TV together, work side by side, etc. I am not sure how much was what. I don't know, it was a pretty encompassing relationship so it just all merged together.

[Silly_Girl]

Within the bubble, all time is quality time.

 

Forgive me for not knowing your circumstances. Do you consider yourself to be in a bubble? Do you have a distinction between quality time and more passive time with your AP?

[MissBee]

VERY unnatural. We weren’t supposed to be together in the first place. We couldn’t properly be together in a natural, relaxed and balanced way because of the affair and the distance. So when we WERE together, it was like a sort of desperation. We were in a sort of constant emotional pain and longing when we weren’t together and when we were together, it’d be a relief. But even when we were together, we STILL weren’t really TOGETHER.

 

One small example was my ex-MM did Aikido (martial arts) classes for a while, and he had a class on Saturday afternoon and one on Tuesday night. We never chatted Saturday afternoon cause my partner and I spent time together, but Tuesday night we chatted and so we had this big discussion about how we didn’t want to lose that chat time due to his class, but that he should do this for HIM and we had to try to be more balanced even within our unbalanced situation and still live for ourselves as well as each other. And yet, if we’d just been together like a normal couple, it would’ve been fine. He’d go to class, then he’d come home. No discussion required. Lol.

 

 

I'm laughing because I can so relate.

 

Perhaps there should be a thread on the funny/weird/bizarre/out of the way things you have to do in order to achieve normalcy in an A (LDRs too).

 

It's like some stuff in a normal setting are no brainers and don't cause strife, but within the parameters of an A, are so extra!

[Pierre]

One would think that any <time> spent with the partner is quality time. The only exception is a fight.

 

Perhaps the quality time is more precious for those in EMRs.

Edited March 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarity

[LFH]

One would think that any <time> spent with the partner is quality time. The only exception is a fight.

 

Perhaps the quality time is more precious for those in EMRs.

 

I'd say that depends. If the only time one spends with a partner is mindlessly vegging on the couch or engaged in chores or sitting in silence, I'm going to say that none of that is quality time.

 

I agree that you need a bit of passive, quiet "down" time as a couple and a lot of quality time. I was disappointed for them when I was talking to friends and discovered that some of them regularly didn't exchange more than 2 dozen sentences with their partner over the course of a work week, and about the same over a weekend. How do people live like that?

 

I can't imagine that people in EMR's would value quality time more than those NOT in EMR's... that wouldn't make sense. I would think that anyone that valued their relationship would see quality time as important.

[Owl]

I'd agree that everyone SHOULD value quality time.

 

Unfortunately, relationships don't come with owner's manuals. Most folks don't spend much thought on what it takes to maintain a good relationship...they simply think that if they love each other enough, that's all it takes (thanks, Hollywood).

 

The reality is that it DOES take that "quality time" and that "passive time" both in proper amounts and intensity to maintain a good relationship.

 

Unfortuntately, since there is no owner's manual...most people learn this the hard way.

[Pierre]

I'd say that depends. If the only time one spends with a partner is mindlessly vegging on the couch or engaged in chores or sitting in silence, I'm going to say that none of that is quality time.

 

I agree that you need a bit of passive, quiet "down" time as a couple and a lot of quality time. I was disappointed for them when I was talking to friends and discovered that some of them regularly didn't exchange more than 2 dozen sentences with their partner over the course of a work week, and about the same over a weekend. How do people live like that?

 

I can't imagine that people in EMR's would value quality time more than those NOT in EMR's... that wouldn't make sense. I would think that anyone that valued their relationship would see quality time as important.

 

I can be in a room with my wife for 30 minutes and not utter a single word. And yet it is quality, because i know she is there. I feel the presence of her and that is enormous.

 

Nevertheless, I have noted that those in EMRs cherish the time much more. And that is quite natural.

[MissBee]

I'd say that depends. If the only time one spends with a partner is mindlessly vegging on the couch or engaged in chores or sitting in silence, I'm going to say that none of that is quality time.

 

I agree that you need a bit of passive, quiet "down" time as a couple and a lot of quality time. I was disappointed for them when I was talking to friends and discovered that some of them regularly didn't exchange more than 2 dozen sentences with their partner over the course of a work week, and about the same over a weekend. How do people live like that?

 

I can't imagine that people in EMR's would value quality time more than those NOT in EMR's... that wouldn't make sense. I would think that anyone that valued their relationship would see quality time as important.

 

 

It makes sense though...maybe not in terms of thinking of it like do they value quality time or not. But people with any relationship constrains may tend to be hyperaware of the constrains esp on time and thus try to maximize time more than those with no such constrains. LDRs are an example of a nonEMR that many times has similar qualities to As, because of the constrains, or people who are married to those in the military who often get deployed etc. I think in certain kinds of relationships like those, there may be more of an awareness for quality time, whereas in those where time is less constrained, it may not seem that way.

 

I grew up on an island for example, and when I moved to the States some people assumed I pretty much lived on the beach and went there everyday. I did not. But, I will say that the beach was readily available so I didn't act like a tourist desperate to soak up as much sun as I could, because I knew it was there and should I want to I can, anytime. I valued it but it wasn't with the same hyperconsciousness a tourist would. I think in relationships when you compare As to open ones, it may be that way. It is not as if tourists value beaches more or people in nonAs don't value quality time, but quality time becomes blurred with daily routine and one doesn't sit down all the time and specifically think "Am I having quality time"...you're just in their presence, in the same room, and that's good for you. Which is of course different from an active neglect.

 

Question: were your friends lamenting over their situations? I ask, because I'm trying to see if it was a case where they were sad about it and THEY felt it wasn't quality time and they're being neglected or was it fine with them?