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Not all MM are liars


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Old 11th August 2010, 9:20 PM   #1
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Not all MM are liars

You can see my other post re: me being the OW knowingly for the first time in my life. I believe this is an EA for him and I believe the BS is also having an EA, but this is only from what I have been told.

I also know that not every MM is a liar. I was the BS if you could call it that in my marriage. However, my exH only started the EA after we had been separated and living apart for several months. He is still with the girl and it took four years for us to be divorced. But he lives with his girlfriend and lived with her while we were separated. She met my kids and me because I wanted to know who she was since she was around my children.

I recently talked to my exH about his EA and wanted to know if he had told his AP now GF about his marriage when he met her, he said he didn't but she found out after about 9 months of dating. She was livid but chose to stick around and didn't bring up getting a divorce until last year. She paid for the final papers....

I am sharing this story because I think there are valid reasons why divorce takes long and why all MM/MW in As are not liars. My exH and I did not care about the paper, we lived separately, had our own lives and strictly dealt with each other on the issues surrounding the kids. We did go on vacations together after we separated and for about 6 months after the separation we still were sexually involved. After I ended the sexual relationship, he wanted to reconcile once and I wanted to discuss the possibility of reconciliation for the kids prior to the finalization of our divorce. He told me that he didn't want to be in an unhappy marriage and neither should I. We have been divorced for 3 months now.

I guess that is why it gives me hope and trust in my MM right now.
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Old 11th August 2010, 9:52 PM   #2
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1. I personally wouldn't really call you much of a betrayed spouse if your husband didn't start an emotional affair until several months after you had already separated and been living apart. At that point the marriage was technical, not alive and entwined about you, right?

2. If he didn't tell his girlfriend he was married but separated and she had to find out about it on her own and was upset about it, then yes, he is a liar. I bet he didn't tell her he was still having sex with you, either. Because he is a liar.

3. He didn't care about the divorce, but she obviously did, and he let it just drag along unresolved for years until she got so fed up she paid for it herself. That's actually very sad, for her, and not the best illustration of a 'legitimate' reason for a divorce to take a long time.

You sound like you're in for a bad time with your MM if these are things you take as a good sign of a good relationship. Sorry.
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Old 11th August 2010, 10:11 PM   #3
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The only way a wayward spouse could not be a liar is to have an open marriage instead of an affair.
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Old 11th August 2010, 11:06 PM   #4
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I recently talked to my exH about his EA and wanted to know if he had told his AP now GF about his marriage when he met her, he said he didn't but she found out after about 9 months of dating.
Sounds like a liar to me.
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Old 11th August 2010, 11:09 PM   #5
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If he didn't tell her he was still legally married, he did lie.
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Old 11th August 2010, 11:36 PM   #6
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I agree with the others that he did lie. But I have a feeling that what you're trying to say is that not all MM who are seeing another woman end up staying in their marriages, or that they don't all lie about the condition of their marriage. In other words, your xH indicated to the OW that he wanted to be with her, and that turned out to be the truth.

Sometimes the MM doesn't necessarily lie about being with the OW or leaving his marriage, but he does things to bait her into believing that what they have together is the best thing since sliced bread and that he'll eventually leave. Whether he's out and out lying, whether they're truly separated or not, it's usually the secrecy that breaks the relationship down and the realization that things aren't going to change. Your xH may not have hidden his gf from the family, and they may explain her tolerance to the lie he told her; because other things he said fell into place. The truth is, most OW spend a lot of time in a relationship that goes nowhere - not necessarily because she was lied to but because somewhere inside she believed in him more than she should have.

Last edited by Angel1111; 11th August 2010 at 11:38 PM..
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Old 11th August 2010, 11:39 PM   #7
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. My exH and I did not care about the paper, we lived separately, had our own lives and strictly dealt with each other on the issues surrounding the kids.
This sounds like a real separation. I hate to say it, but most who DO post here and say that their MM is separated or on the way to divorce, aren't. MM may TELL their OW they are, but it's not exactly true and they're still functioning and part of their wives daily lives.. Living life, attending family functions, socializing, going out etc..

Problem is, your MM has told you he is still intimate with his wife sometimes. You're only 4 months into this and honestly, you don't "know" him that well.

Let his actions show you if he truly is separated or on the way to a divorce.
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Old 12th August 2010, 12:06 AM   #8
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@Angel - that was what I was trying to say - is that he didn't lie about us truly being separated and heading towards divorce...I just see all the time on the MB that MM are liars about being separated.

@Which - you are right also. I don't know him that well...and I think my decision is going to be made very soon as he texted me tonight that the job he had lined up fell through and that he would call me after he talked with his wife to discuss "some issues". If he calls, I am laying it out there and telling him to sh*t or get off the pot. If he doesn't call, I have my answer and I'm done. Do you think that it would be wrong of me to contact his BS if we break it off? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?
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Old 12th August 2010, 12:25 AM   #9
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Don't waste your time telling his wife - it's a pointless exercise. Typically what happens is that the finger ends up getting pointed at you and you become the scarlett woman, the one who enticed him, the homewrecker. This rarely goes well and I strongly recommend against it.

If he doesn't call you, or if your ultimatum doesn't get results (which it won't) then just walk away. A better option than giving him an ultimatum is to just calmly let him know that you've given this some thought and you don't want to be an OW any longer. Let him know that you just can't go on this way and that you're asking him to please leave you alone so that you can move on. If this doesn't cause him to make a choice to be with you (in the right way), then nothing will. He'll keep trying to drag you back into the relationship but at least he'll know why you stopped talking to him.

Last edited by Angel1111; 12th August 2010 at 12:28 AM..
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Old 12th August 2010, 1:04 AM   #10
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Any married person who is in an affair is necessarily a liar, unless of course they are in an open relationship, in which case, it's not really cheating. But those are very rare circumstances. Chances are, your MM is a liar. The distinction is that you're able to live with his lies...for now.
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Old 12th August 2010, 1:57 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Owthathurts View Post
I recently talked to my exH about his EA and wanted to know if he had told his AP now GF about his marriage when he met her, he said he didn't but she found out after about 9 months of dating. She was livid but chose to stick around and didn't bring up getting a divorce until last year. She paid for the final papers....
Um, so you start a thread to assert that not all MM are liars, and you know this to be truth, and the example you use, is of your ex-H lying to the OW about being married.



I think you kinda lost the argument, hon.

But, I guess if remembering and sharing how your H lied to his OW makes you feel more secure that YOUR MM is not a liar, then best of luck with that.
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Old 12th August 2010, 2:04 AM   #12
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I don't see where your R with your xH was remotely traditional or should be poster child for the subject.

About your MM- Well, he is not your xH (which also lied) so to think that he'll do the same (so you think) is kinda naive. Don't you think?

In any event, good luck with finding out if your MM is a liar or not.
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Old 12th August 2010, 4:34 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Owthathurts View Post
You can see my other post re: me being the OW knowingly for the first time in my life. I believe this is an EA for him and I believe the BS is also having an EA, but this is only from what I have been told.

I also know that not every MM is a liar. I was the BS if you could call it that in my marriage. However, my exH only started the EA after we had been separated and living apart for several months. He is still with the girl and it took four years for us to be divorced. But he lives with his girlfriend and lived with her while we were separated. She met my kids and me because I wanted to know who she was since she was around my children.

I recently talked to my exH about his EA and wanted to know if he had told his AP now GF about his marriage when he met her, he said he didn't but she found out after about 9 months of dating. She was livid but chose to stick around and didn't bring up getting a divorce until last year. She paid for the final papers....

I am sharing this story because I think there are valid reasons why divorce takes long and why all MM/MW in As are not liars. My exH and I did not care about the paper, we lived separately, had our own lives and strictly dealt with each other on the issues surrounding the kids. We did go on vacations together after we separated and for about 6 months after the separation we still were sexually involved. After I ended the sexual relationship, he wanted to reconcile once and I wanted to discuss the possibility of reconciliation for the kids prior to the finalization of our divorce. He told me that he didn't want to be in an unhappy marriage and neither should I. We have been divorced for 3 months now.

I guess that is why it gives me hope and trust in my MM right now.
But he lied to his girlfriend already, saying he was not married for a whole 9 months of the relationship. Clearly he lies a lot.
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Old 12th August 2010, 4:39 AM   #14
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Not all MM are liars
.....

...but this one patently is.
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Old 12th August 2010, 8:13 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amerikajin View Post
Any married person who is in an affair is necessarily a liar, unless of course they are in an open relationship, in which case, it's not really cheating. But those are very rare circumstances. Chances are, your MM is a liar. The distinction is that you're able to live with his lies...for now.
Yes, technically he's a liar because he doesn't tell his W the truth.

But it doesn't automatically mean that he is lying to OW when he says he doesn't love his W and wants out of the M.
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