Pregnant by MM

[FaceReality]

Hello,

If you don't want to read the story of me and my MM...my issue is I am almost 4 months pregnant by my MM and I need advice on how to handle it...

 

If you want more details please read below...

 

I am a newbie. I met my MM about 6 months ago through a mutal friend. I fell for him instantly. At first I did not know he was married, a mutal friend told me he was once he found out I was seeing him. I asked my MM if he was married and he told me yes... I continued to see him and I still feel guilty over it.

Well now I am almost 4 months pregnant with his child, I told him right away when I found out about 2 months ago. We still see each other about once a week, but lately it has been very difficult for me. It started out with fun times and sex, now I am getting attached. I near ever asked questions about his wife before...but now I want to know things, but I still don't ask. He has a 2 year old son with his wife (whom I have met) a beautiful home (which I have been to once) and I now find myself jealous that I'm not the wife.

He has never told me he loved me, nor have I told him I love him. He has never said he was unhappy in his marriage, I am sure he loves his wife very much. I have never been interested in telling his wife, I don't like drama. I am just confused because now I feel like my life is over and he still has his. Neither of us were happy about me being pregnant, but he told me that a child is a blessing. He is supportive of my pregnancy at this point, but I am a mess on the inside. When we see each other we lie around and talk, and of course we have sex...

I feel like I am tied to him forever at this point because of the baby. What do I do, I want to maintain a good relationship with him because we will have a child together, but to what extent? At some point the issue of raising a child will become a major issue. At best he will be a half-time dad. I don't really tell him what I feel because I can't express it and I don't know what I want yet.

I am 31 yrs old, this will be my first child. I'm educated with a decent income, so I can do it on my own, I just don't want to. I just need advice on what to do, what questions to ask, what to expect...how to stop feeling so ****ty all the time, how to stop thinking about him and his wife...what do I do? Please help.

[NoIDidn't]

Do you really think he is going to be there for you and your child behind his W's back?

 

My main advice, regardless of how unfortunate I consider the situation for your child and his family, is to NOT raise this child as a secret. This is the ONE TIME I think you should tell the W, hands down. If he feels that a child is a blessing, then he shouldn't be okay with keeping it hidden.

 

It sounds like you two are planning to just continue on with the affair for now. But regardless, I think you should inform the W. I am the child of two *Love* Children. I do not know my other family because my parents were kept secret for so long that by the time their existence was revealed (even the existence of whom their father's were), the other siblings were VERY protective of their mothers and shunned the kids because of what their fathers had done.

 

My main advice, don't hide your child. It does untold damage for generations - to your child and potential grands.

[sb129]

Its early days now, but later on in your pregnancy and when you have the baby you are going to need a full time support person, not a part time MM. You will be more preoccupied with yourself and your baby than being a part time booty call.

 

I agree with NID, don't hide this child. MM has to man up- either hes in 100% or hes out- he can walk away, but you can't, and you need to know sooner rather than later what he intends to do.

[FaceReality]

Thank you for your dose of honesty. What you said makes sense, I just don't want to be responsible for ruining a family. I think it would be wise to wait till I have the baby before I consider saying something to the W. Maybe I should just ask him to sign away his parental rights when the baby is born and just be done with him. He is very confident that I would never say any thing to his wife. Again thank you for your honesty.

[sb129]

How would you feel if you were his wife?

Doesn't she deserve to know so she can decide whether or not she wants to stay with him?

[willowfields]

i will tell you my story. getting pregnant by your mm is heart wrenching. i do hope you guys can make it through this and become stronger for it.

i found out i was pregnant by my mm, and i told him when i was at 4 weeks. the emotional pain that the pregnancy caused was devastating. i had no intentions of ever terminating his child, which he wanted at first until he grew to accept the baby. i found out my baby died at 6 weeks and at 8 weeks i miscarried. it was so devastating for me to loose his child. this happened in nov, still till now i feel i lost a huge part of me.

[sb129]

PS you aren't responsible for ruining a family- HE is. He is the one breaking the marriage vows.

 

He needs to face the consequences of his actions. You certainly will be for the next 20years or so.

[NoIDidn't]

How would you feel if you were his wife?

Doesn't she deserve to know so she can decide whether or not she wants to stay with him?

 

Not saying that Face Reality is planning this, but a lot of pregnant OW don't want to tell the W until they have the baby, otherwise it just comes off as a manipulative tactic that the MM milks to stay married.

 

But the actual baby is something that can't be denied, unless a paternity suit says otherwise.

 

That, and if she is blindsided, she gets less for her own children if the OW files for child support first. I think that sucks and the law should be re-written to accommodate the children that were born into the marriage that don't need a support order to have their dad take care of them.

 

My grandmother's had their children by MM before the child support laws in the US took into consideration children born to men that were married to someone else. Children born outside of a marriage were basically considered as their mothers, on their own.

 

FR, I hope the pregnancy is going along well at this point and that you are taking care of yourself and not worrying about him or his life. You need your energy for what IS likely coming.

[curiousnycgirl]

Maybe I should just ask him to sign away his parental rights when the baby is born and just be done with him. He is very confident that I would never say any thing to his wife. Again thank you for your honesty.

 

Why would you do this? It takes two people to make a baby and frankly both of those people should help raise it - even if it's just monetarily. Why should your baby have less because her father is married to someone other than it's mother? What about your baby's right to know who it's father is?

 

You are going to be a mother now - you need to start thinking of what's in the best interest of your child - not what is the best interest of your MM. and btw taking care of YOU is in your baby's best interest

[fooled once]

Why wait? Why not just tell her now? Tell her you are screwing her husband, you didn't use protection and now are pregnant.

 

Sounds like you are hoping he will want more. In the meantime, you are willing to be a booty call for him.

 

He is never going to be 100% with you --- well, he might if his wife kicks him out. And that will not be HIS choice to be with you - it will be because his wife kicked him out.

 

So you can't talk to him?? Why? Why can't you tell him what you are feeling/thinking? Is it just sex and no communication?

 

I feel mostly sorry for this child -- especially if you are planning to keep it ia secret. He/she will one day find out that his/her father was married to someone else and he/she was a secret

 

Do right by your child and tell the wife. Also, make sure you find out the MM's medical history.

 

Does he plan to go to birthing classes with you? Does he plan to be in the delivery room with you? Do you have a family member/best friend who can step in when he doesn't show up? Do you have family ear you?

 

What a mess...

 

At the very least -- make sure you file for child support. It isn't for you - it is for your child. will he be named as the father on the birth certificate?

[fooled once]

To the OP......I'm at a loss as to what to say to you about what you should do now, but know that my heart goes out to you.

 

I did notice in your post that this man, hid from you that he was married at the beginning. The fact that he wasn't forthcoming with that information is a huge red flag. He took away your right to make an informed decision regarding him being married. In my opinion that was a pretty *****y thing to do to you and there isn't any way that he can find an excuse for it or try to make it sound like it's not a big deal. It's a real big deal! If I were you I would NOT forget that he deceived you from the very beginning.

 

While I agree it was pretty crappy for him to omit the truth, she DID continue to see him/sleep with him after finding out he was married....

[2sunny]

you could consider having the baby adopted by a loving couple that want a child...

[LucreziaBorgia]

Here are things you and he need to talk about sooner rather than later:

 

When is he planning on telling his wife?

Will he be there for the birth?

Will your child be on his insurance?

Will his name be on the birth certificate?

Will his child be a legitimate heir should MM die?

Will he acknowledge paternity and act as a parent to this child?

Will this child interact with his/her half sibling from his marriage?

Will he attend birthdays, school events, etc?

Will the MM and his W get visitation?

Will the MM go for full custody and sue you for support if his W insists on it?

 

If the answer to the first question is 'never', then the other questions won't matter, as he should be expected to sign off his parental rights and remove himself from both your lives. You may tolerate being in an affair, but don't subject a child to the same treatment. Your affair with the MM as you know it is effectively over. You have to choose what is right for your child, and if you can't bring yourself to do that you may want to consider giving up your own parental rights to a family who will raise the child in a more stable environment.

[jnd2009]

Hey Face Reality- hang in there. I've thought about the possibility of getting pregnant by the MM I see (although i have no intentions to)- I ask too many what if's. I have even thought of getting an abortion (against my own beliefs) because I wouldn't want to ruin his marriage nor my relationship. Although I can't say that's what I'd choose.

 

With his wife- I think she'll find out sooner or later. I personally wouldn't be able to talk to her- maybe have your MM do it. For your sake I'd say the sooner the better, they can make a choice in their marriage, and you can have more of his attention that you deserve since you are carrying his child- and the attention you are getting won't be behind his wife's back. I can't say it will be easy once she knows, I'm sure some sort of hell would break loose- I know my MM's wife would flip out!

 

Good luck to you- I wish you the best. My fear is your reality- thank you for sharing.

[FaceReality]

I appreciate all the feed back. Honestly I never had intentions on telling his wife anything, your post are making me re-think this. Maybe I am just naive...I wasn't going to tell his wife, wasn't going to ask for child support, but I also wasn't going to let him be a part of the childs life if he did not tell his wife himself...

 

I had been told by my OBGYN that it would be unlikely that I would ever have kids almost 10 years ago. I tried to have a child with the guy I loved for 3 years before we broke up and he had a child with someone else. This pregnancy is a complete surprise, and if it weren't for the fact that it was unplanned and with a MM, It would be my miracle baby - but all the joy of it has been sucked out because of the circumstances.

 

 

I am 14 weeks pregnant - I still have so long to go (26 weeks) ...should I really push these issues with him now? The baby is not due till the summer.

 

I am not trying to manipulate the situatation by waiting to take action, I just think its early to make demands and risk ruining his life with his family and causing stress and drama in my life. What if , God forbid, something happens and I lose the baby? If that is the case, then its like it never happened and we can both go our seperate ways and never have to tell anyone what happened. Again I may just be being naive.

 

In some ways I just don't want to deal with the consequences of my actions right now...its a little overwhelming.

 

I guess I will have to toughen up some. I don't really tell him how deeply feel, because I just don't know myself. I am sad, guilty, happy, depressed, hopeful... I just don't know.

 

My family is very supportive, they are just concerned about the lack of details I give about the babies father.

 

I guess I just need to work up my nerve to deal with the situation. He asked me today if I wanted him in the delivery room, I told him no, I told him it was to early to discuss such things and we could talk about it when I was farther along.

 

Should I make demands? Does anyone have a good ending after having a child by a MM?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wouldn't wait much past your third trimester. As you get more pregnant, you may find yourself thinking more about what is best for your baby, and less about what is best for MM.

[willowfields]

you have nothing to gain by telling his wife. somethings are better left unsaid.

[NoIDidn't]

Here are things you and he need to talk about sooner rather than later:

 

When is he planning on telling his wife?

Will he be there for the birth?

Will your child be on his insurance?

Will his name be on the birth certificate?

Will his child be a legitimate heir should MM die?

Will he acknowledge paternity and act as a parent to this child?

Will this child interact with his/her half sibling from his marriage?

Will he attend birthdays, school events, etc?

Will the MM and his W get visitation?

Will the MM go for full custody and sue you for support if his W insists on it?

 

If the answer to the first question is 'never', then the other questions won't matter, as he should be expected to sign off his parental rights and remove himself from both your lives. You may tolerate being in an affair, but don't subject a child to the same treatment. Your affair with the MM as you know it is effectively over. You have to choose what is right for your child, and if you can't bring yourself to do that you may want to consider giving up your own parental rights to a family who will raise the child in a more stable environment.

 

Great post, LB!

[NoIDidn't]

In some ways I just don't want to deal with the consequences of my actions right now...its a little overwhelming.

 

You didn't do this by yourself, so don't make it sound like you did.

[moaningmyrtle]

Do you really think he is going to be there for you and your child behind his W's back?

 

My main advice, regardless of how unfortunate I consider the situation for your child and his family, is to NOT raise this child as a secret. This is the ONE TIME I think you should tell the W, hands down. If he feels that a child is a blessing, then he shouldn't be okay with keeping it hidden.

 

It sounds like you two are planning to just continue on with the affair for now. But regardless, I think you should inform the W. I am the child of two *Love* Children. I do not know my other family because my parents were kept secret for so long that by the time their existence was revealed (even the existence of whom their father's were), the other siblings were VERY protective of their mothers and shunned the kids because of what their fathers had done.

 

My main advice, don't hide your child. It does untold damage for generations - to your child and potential grands.

 

I agree with this. My father-in-law (born more than 75 years ago) was the child of a MM and an OW. There were 4 other children in his father's legitimate family.

 

This big secret was not revealed until about 10 years ago. This caused havoc in the family.

 

Sadly the trend of infidelity (to the extent of second/secret families has continued down the male line from my husband's grandfather to his father and now to my own husband). It is just too similar to be a co-incidence! All the women have gone along with the secrecy.

 

Please consider carefully whether you want to inflict this on your own child who may lead a blighted life because of it. Your first priority surely will be your child not your MM's wife or your MM.

[NoIDidn't]

Should I make demands? Does anyone have a good ending after having a child by a MM?

 

No you should NOT make demands. That is the quickest way to being abandoned by him, the quickest way to have him abandon your child. If you are interested at all in him being in this child's life - not as a secret dad, mind you - you don't want to make demands.

 

You want to share your concerns. Unfortunately, you have allowed a situation where every concern you have will be seen as a demand by him, and possibly by his W as well, TBH.

 

I don't know of many good endings of having a child by a MM. Almost all of the stories that I know personally, including that of my parents, results in the child not having so much as a part-time dad.

 

Sometimes its the fault of the OW/mother for making too many demands on the schedule of a man that already has a family. Hence, why it is generally not a good idea to get pregnant by someone that you aren't married to yourself.

 

Most of the time its the fault of the MM. He already has a family in most instances, and the OW was supposed to be his fun. He doesn't want to upset his Apple Cart by telling his W and other family members. He doesn't want to have to pay child support. He doesn't want his OW to start acting like his W does - tired because of caring for the child and even nicely asking for his help in doing so.

 

Often, the MM will blame his W, and say that she won't let him see his child. But even if she did say that, its HIS choice. He can tell her that this child is his flesh and blood and its his obligation to care for ALL of his children. A MM that doesn't want a divorce usually chooses this option. Blame the W, so he looks like a victim. Maybe that supplicates the OW, but the child will grow up knowing and feeling like they were abandoned and denied all so their father's could cover their own behinds.

 

I've shared a lot of my parents' stories here, but not all. I think I have also shared that my youngest sibling was also the product of an affair. The one good thing that happened for my sibling is that the grandparents were very interested AND active in having a relationship with them - even me and my other siblings that didn't belong to the MM.

 

I know you don't need to hear of the heartache that might be in store for you, but it is better to know now than be totally surprised by his potential actions later. Right now, you likely aren't showing. But when you start showing, expect that his demeanor may change, and not for the better.

 

He may be one of the rare ones that takes care of all of his children more than just financially. But I wouldn't bank on it. There are a couple of previous posters that have had children by MM. Some of their stories aren't helpful as they are just playing games, but one or two is the real deal - a woman with a child by a MM that's just trying to do right by the family she now has. The stories don't have happy endings (as in baby having a full-time dad, or OW getting MM to herself) , so be forewarned.

 

I wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy. Take extra special good care of yourself, for you AND this baby. You are going to need mental and physical strength to deliver this baby.

[FaceReality]

NoIDidn't

Thank you so much. Your mixture of honesty and compassion are thoughtful and well received. I just want to do the right thing. And right now I can't figure out what that is.

This is so painful and I just haven't been able to focus on other aspects of my life...like now I should be making lesson plans right now...lol.

Again thank you.

Maybe I should just retreat to prayer and meditation for now. I think that I should just reduce my communication with my MM to only updates about the baby's progress and have a sit down with him aroung my 3rd trimester to address concerns with his involvement in the child's life. What do you think?

[doushenka]

I think you might want to ask your doctor how the added stress of dealing with your so-and-so of an MM will affect your pregnancy. The last thing I wish upon you is a miscarriage, especially in the second trimester or later; oh, but that's painful, having that chance snatched away! Make sure you have plenty of support around you so that whether or not the MM reacts in a responsible manner, you and your baby will be okay.

 

Prayer and meditation are both fine ways to calm yourself during what I imagine is quite the upheaval. I'm glad you have those tools at your disposal, and that from what I can tell, your personal beliefs don't damn you to hell for your decision. Feeling damned on top of everything else... bites. To put it politely.

 

Best of luck, FR. <3

[bentnotbroken]

you have nothing to gain by telling his wife. somethings are better left unsaid.

 

 

This mantra doesn't work in any case certainly not when a child is involved.

[elle01]

I appreciate all the feed back. Honestly I never had intentions on telling his wife anything, your post are making me re-think this. Maybe I am just naive...I wasn't going to tell his wife, wasn't going to ask for child support, but I also wasn't going to let him be a part of the childs life if he did not tell his wife himself...

 

I had been told by my OBGYN that it would be unlikely that I would ever have kids almost 10 years ago. I tried to have a child with the guy I loved for 3 years before we broke up and he had a child with someone else. This pregnancy is a complete surprise, and if it weren't for the fact that it was unplanned and with a MM, It would be my miracle baby - but all the joy of it has been sucked out because of the circumstances.

 

 

I am 14 weeks pregnant - I still have so long to go (26 weeks) ...should I really push these issues with him now? The baby is not due till the summer.

 

I am not trying to manipulate the situatation by waiting to take action, I just think its early to make demands and risk ruining his life with his family and causing stress and drama in my life. What if , God forbid, something happens and I lose the baby? If that is the case, then its like it never happened and we can both go our seperate ways and never have to tell anyone what happened. Again I may just be being naive.

 

In some ways I just don't want to deal with the consequences of my actions right now...its a little overwhelming.

 

I guess I will have to toughen up some. I don't really tell him how deeply feel, because I just don't know myself. I am sad, guilty, happy, depressed, hopeful... I just don't know.

 

My family is very supportive, they are just concerned about the lack of details I give about the babies father.

 

I guess I just need to work up my nerve to deal with the situation. He asked me today if I wanted him in the delivery room, I told him no, I told him it was to early to discuss such things and we could talk about it when I was farther along.

 

Should I make demands? Does anyone have a good ending after having a child by a MM?

 

Please just let me say if God forbid you did lose your child it would not be like nothing ever happened and you could both just go your separate ways. This would damage you beyond reason.

Now with that being said, lets move forward... I have a child with a MM that I was with for 7 yrs prior to getting pregnant. The only reason the MM is saying the child is a blessing and still coming around is because you havent asked the hard questions and he believes that you wont ever tell his W. He has little to no concern about how you will explain this to your grandparents, parents, or child... He only has concern that HIS children with his W wont be affected by his indiscression.

Number one: ask him his intentions and what his plans for you and this child are... This answer will likely make you want to throw up (it will be something along the lines of I dont know or we will cross that bridge when we get there).. He will not give definite answers, but his actions will start to change (his demeanor towards you will as well). He is a mental case as well right now because his life hangs in the balance... it is not out of concern for you and this unborn child....

number two: tell his wife. this is not something that can be hidden (as has been said before). It will come out eventually. My MM wife found out enough info to call and confront me and I told her the TRUTH. She made the decision to stay with him knowing that he had been unfaithful for over 7 yrs and THEY decided not to tell their children in order to protect them from their marital problems. Eventually the children found out (people talk and one kid started dating someone and the ex got mad and said well your dad has a kid with another woman (teenagers) thus hurting the children worse than telling them initially).

Number three: and please dont take this the wrong way... wake up from fairy tale land.. your child will eventually know that his/her father is a MM and that he chose to stay with his family rather than be with your child causing him/her damage (it happens and will be worse for your child if the father is not involved).They will inadvertently feel like the other children were better, more loved, or they werent good enough to be know by the community as this mans child...

Number four: get a lawyer.. get ready for a paternity test and dont use the child... children need both parents to love and support them. I told MM that this is OUR child as much his as mine and that he has equal say so in what/how his life is... That is so hard sometimes to swallow because of MY jealousy issue. Naturally I do not want HER to be taking care of our child... but I am sure she did not want ME taking care of her H in order to get pregnant to begin with. It is not an ideal situation, but be as mature as possible about it and realize that with paternity and child support he will have the right to pick the child up and take the child to his home with his W and children.. it will not be easy. Him giving up his parental rights puts all the burden on you and your child which in my opinion is unfair. you two create the situation and the child and you should both bear the responsibility of putting the childs best interest above your own.

 

Now that is the best advice I have. However, some (like me) dont follow their own advice. you have to live and learn and do the best you can at the time. My MM's W found out I was P and did not leave and when our baby was born a couple weeks later we were back together like nothing ever happened and still are.. But now things are worse than before because now I have a little one that cant be involved in this mess. he needs stability and dignity and honor. We are in the midst of a horrible break up and reality is starting to set in. He can either file for D or he can stay away from me. I will not use our child as a token to pull him over here. If he doesnt want to leave then he can have visitation with his child on his own accord but not with me. Please be strong and make a stand for your child. ask the hard questions and be prepared for answers you do not want to hear.

 

DO NOT let this A rob you of the joy of pregnancy and your miracle baby. THe circumstances may not be ideal but you are allowing the circumstances to rob you of your happiness. Ask questions now so you wont be shocked to find the truth later......