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I Miss my affair partner


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 16th November 2009, 12:32 PM   #1
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I Miss my affair partner

I have been married for 10 years and had never cheated on my husband. We have three young children. Our marriage is actually really good on most levels, except a lack of physcial attraction from my side, which lead to 8 years of no desire to have sex with him.

For many years I thought something was wrong with me & knew that many other married women do not want to have sex with their husbands.

I started an online friendship with a married man that I was already acqiantenances with and knew his wife through a mutual friend.

It started out harmless and then we began to make an emotional connection. It went on for a couple of weeks and then one night when we were at a social event where neither of our spouses were there we kissed.

The next day we began to talk and say it would never happen again but that we would remain friends. It quickly turned very flirtatious. We began to meet about 2 times a week. We never had sex, we felt that was even worse than what we were doing. We were both extremely attracted to each other. He has been married for 16 years and has not been connected to his wife for many years and has stayed with her for their children, one of which is a special needs child.

We would talk constantly. Many many emails and texts every day. We chatted on facebook for hours most nights. My whole life became totally consumed by our next chat, next meeting, what the next email would say.
Our feeling grew deeper. At one point I decided to call it all off and say goodbye. The guilt and the lying were eating me alive. I wanted to be with him but knew that he could not leave his wife anytime in the short term as their child would be having surgery in the next couple of months and he would not consider anything before that. He told me that if it was meant to be between us it would happen later down the road.

I was not strong enough and amost immdiately began to talk to him again after calling it off. I missed him too much. We continued on, though the lying to my husband was really beginning to take a toll on me. My husband found out about the affair 11 days ago. I told him I was leaving the marriage. That it was not really about the other man. That even if the other man wasn't there I would still be leaving. I said it was b/c I needed a physical part of our relationship that was forever gone. We begand to figure out who would move out, custody arrangements of the children, we called our families and close friends andtold them of our seperation. My husband was devastated, and pleaded with me many times to think about what I was doing. To give hi ma chance. TO stop seeing the other man until we had figured this out. He kept saying I was leaving him for the other man & I was convinced I was not.

My affair partner did not tell his wife. Several days ago though he was forced to b/c a friend of our threatened to tell her. HE called me that night to tell me we could never talk again. That he was going to try to work on it with his wife and find what they had been missing. That he still loved her.

I am devastated. I knew he would not leave her in the short term but hearing it this way was so final. That we could not be friends or talk again. The next morning I really realized it was over. I told my husband I would stay and would try to work on him forgiving me, me forgiving myself and finding that physical spark between us again. I really want to. If I cannot be with my affair partner than I want to have a happy marriage with my husband again. I'm sure it will be hard and Idon't know if either of us will be able to get there.

I miss my affair partner so much. To go from constant contact all day, the excitement, the fun, the newness to nothing. I feel so sad. I can't stop crying. I think about him every single moment. I wonder if he is feeling the same way. I want to talk to him. I think if he called me right now and said he made a mistake I would take him back. I know he wont though.

How long will it take for this to get better? For the pain of losing him to not be so raw and horrible? I know I cannot truly commit to my husband until I can at least begin to get over my feelings for this other man. The decision to end the affair wasn't made by me and that makes this harder. I don't feel any closure. My feelings for him had not fizzled at all.

When will I stop missing him so much??
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Old 16th November 2009, 12:37 PM   #2
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Its sad that you acknowledged to your H that you wanted a divorce NOT because of the MM but because the marriage was over....but that now that MM is no longer an option, you want the marriage after all.

Thats just sad. BUT it isnt hopeless.

If you are able to fall in love with your husband and your marriage again you will eventually stop missing the MM. I'm not sure if you can do one without the other.
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Old 16th November 2009, 12:51 PM   #3
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This is simple; you're staying in an unhappy marriage because the married man you cheated with is staying with his wife.

If he called you tonight and said he was leaving his wife, you would leave your husband.

My suggestion, get some serious therapy.
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Old 16th November 2009, 1:00 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Apple31 View Post
My husband found out about the affair 11 days ago. I told him I was leaving the marriage. That it was not really about the other man. That even if the other man wasn't there I would still be leaving.
Quote:
He kept saying I was leaving him for the other man & I was convinced I was not.
Quote:
My affair partner did not tell his wife. Several days ago though he was forced to b/c a friend of our threatened to tell her. HE called me that night to tell me we could never talk again. That he was going to try to work on it with his wife and find what they had been missing. That he still loved her.
Quote:
... The next morning I really realized it was over. I told my husband I would stay and would try to work on him forgiving me, me forgiving myself and finding that physical spark between us again. I really want to. If I cannot be with my affair partner than I want to have a happy marriage with my husband again.
Lets be real...your H was right and you were running off with the OM. At least up until you got thrown under the bus by him. Then in a panic, you did an about face and decided to settle with your H. So you wouldn't be alone or whatever reason.

Seriously, just divorce your H and be available for your OM when he comes calling again...and he will. Serious, don't worry about the MM...he'll be back. Promise you that.

Now, to answer your questions.

Quote:
How long will it take for this to get better?
A long time. Its never a pleasant experience to realize the AP was lying. And the wounds last a lifetime.

Quote:
For the pain of losing him to not be so raw and horrible?
Same as above. In fact, the answer to all of your questions is a long time. Especially since you loved him.

Now I'm going to suggest you stop the charade of reconciliation with your H and pursue divorce. It will prove far LESS painful to pull the plug on it now then go through the motions, waste everyone's time and money only to get nowhere. IMO, divorcing now allows you to FOCUS on your pain and the loss of your AP versus having to continually put up this front for your H and family. That sounds exhausting.
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Old 16th November 2009, 1:11 PM   #5
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(((Apple31))) I totally understand how you feel. At least your A is out in the open with your H and you two can get into MC and find your way back to a happy marriage...hopefully.

It hurts a lot when you miss the AP. I have been out of mine for 1.5 years now and have been no contact for 2.5 months and the no contact really helps. You will one day not miss your AP (affair partner) like you do now. In fact you will in time realize how much time you may have wasted still thinking about him.

Don't be surprised if he tries to contact you again when the dust settles. My XOM wanted to keep a "friendship" with me but many times in his emails crossed the line. I finally couldn't do it anymore and went no contact. I suggest when he does try to contact you tell him you made a big mistake with him and that you are focusing on YOUR marriage and want no contact. Then just keep moving forward.

I too felt like I had fallen out of love with the physical part of my marriage, but since both of us starting to work on it and me having threatening divorce, we both realize we need to work on our marriage to make it. I have had some setbacks, but things are at least moving forward and I have moments of physical attraction for my H, it gets better with each day.

Take care of yourself, focus on you and getting your marriage back on track. If you had it at one time with your H I am sure you could find it again.
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Old 16th November 2009, 1:30 PM   #6
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So you made your husband your second choice just like your MM did you. How did that make you feel, being second choice I mean? Why would you want your husband to feel that way. Wouldn't it be better to just go out and discover yourself instead of needing a man in your life? If your MM leaves his wife, you are going to hurt your husband again. Is that what you want?
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Old 16th November 2009, 1:45 PM   #7
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people need to back off of her. unless you lived this situation you cannot understand it. it is not as simple as making the husband 2nd choice. its a range of emotions, a process, its painful and takes time.

youre involved in an affair. that new person becomes perfect, amazing, the love of your life. your husband falls to the side, becomes faulted, less amazing etc. the affiar is discovered and your natural reaction is to turn to the person who at the moment is making you feel loved and cared for and not the husband, whos relationship has recently felt lacking. not necessarily how you should feel, but youre caught up in it all and in love.

so then you get thrown under the bus by the married man. its a huge wake up call, your scared, alone, you realize this perfect person wasnt who he thought he was. youre confused and searching for answers, how you could have been fooled, how it wasnt what you thought it was.

and so, in light of this you realize that your husband would never and has never thown you under the bus. even through this terrible time, this man is standing by you when the other one didnt. you start to see the truth, the reasons you married him, the fact that one one else ever has or ever will love you in that way again. and so you realize that is what you really want, not the other man. you want your marriage.

but this doesnt change the hurt and the pain from the affair ending. doesnt change the rejection from being thrown under the bus. and doesnt make you miss the man who you thought loved you the way you loved him.

stop blaming her. its not as cut and dry as falling back on the husband when the MM leaves. its about sorting it all out and trying to make sense of a complicated situation.

OP - im sorry for your pain. you will waffle, you will question everything. and you will hurt. you will cry for days, suffer in agony and try to go on.

im two months out. ive realized what i want with my husband, ive realized that it was always there but i couldnt see it because i was obsessed with the dreamland affair that i was involved in.

the pain is still there, its torture, i still miss that man, not as a lover, but as a friend. im still tortured with unanswered questions, but i am certain in my marriage and my husband.

the constant crying has stopped, but im not sure at this point its much easier. i do look back on a few weeks ago and think that im in a better place.

good luck to you and sort through the responses here. there are some good ones out there. dont let anyone try to tell you that your feeling or choosing or doing something youre not. only you know how you feel inside.
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Old 16th November 2009, 1:46 PM   #8
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Apple, I am going to place a challenge out there for you.... Why don't you print out EXACTLY what you posted at the beginning of this thread, and hand it to your husband.. Let HIM make a decision regarding HIS life and choices..

If the poor bastard only knew why you were "giving him another chance", he would probably not be so happy today, that his wife is going to stay.. FOR NOW

I bet you won't accept this challenge
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Old 16th November 2009, 2:03 PM   #9
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Apple, I am going to place a challenge out there for you.... Why don't you print out EXACTLY what you posted at the beginning of this thread, and hand it to your husband.. Let HIM make a decision regarding HIS life and choices..

If the poor bastard only knew why you were "giving him another chance", he would probably not be so happy today, that his wife is going to stay.. FOR NOW

I bet you won't accept this challenge
Yes this must be a hard situation BUT there is another person involved in this equation...that's your HUSBAND...I agree you should show him this, be COMPLETELY honest with him, allow HIM to decide if he wants to have you stick around "for now". He should realize that he is your second choice because ur MM ended it w/u for his wife. I second the challenge!
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Old 16th November 2009, 3:01 PM   #10
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people need to back off of her. unless you lived this situation you cannot understand it. it is not as simple as making the husband 2nd choice. its a range of emotions, a process, its painful and takes time.

youre involved in an affair. that new person becomes perfect, amazing, the love of your life. your husband falls to the side, becomes faulted, less amazing etc. the affiar is discovered and your natural reaction is to turn to the person who at the moment is making you feel loved and cared for and not the husband, whos relationship has recently felt lacking. not necessarily how you should feel, but youre caught up in it all and in love.

so then you get thrown under the bus by the married man. its a huge wake up call, your scared, alone, you realize this perfect person wasnt who he thought he was. youre confused and searching for answers, how you could have been fooled, how it wasnt what you thought it was.

and so, in light of this you realize that your husband would never and has never thown you under the bus. even through this terrible time, this man is standing by you when the other one didnt. you start to see the truth, the reasons you married him, the fact that one one else ever has or ever will love you in that way again. and so you realize that is what you really want, not the other man. you want your marriage.

but this doesnt change the hurt and the pain from the affair ending. doesnt change the rejection from being thrown under the bus. and doesnt make you miss the man who you thought loved you the way you loved him.

stop blaming her. its not as cut and dry as falling back on the husband when the MM leaves. its about sorting it all out and trying to make sense of a complicated situation.

OP - im sorry for your pain. you will waffle, you will question everything. and you will hurt. you will cry for days, suffer in agony and try to go on.

im two months out. ive realized what i want with my husband, ive realized that it was always there but i couldnt see it because i was obsessed with the dreamland affair that i was involved in.

the pain is still there, its torture, i still miss that man, not as a lover, but as a friend. im still tortured with unanswered questions, but i am certain in my marriage and my husband.

the constant crying has stopped, but im not sure at this point its much easier. i do look back on a few weeks ago and think that im in a better place.

good luck to you and sort through the responses here. there are some good ones out there. dont let anyone try to tell you that your feeling or choosing or doing something youre not. only you know how you feel inside.
I strongly disagree BEG.

Angel31 decided on her own volition to leave the M. Now she claims its not for the MM but that's a load of BS (she proves it later). She has a heart to heart with the H, they begin dividing assets, drawing up custody and visitation. And leaves.

Then the MM gets caught.

Did you read that? They didn't get caught together, Two separate d-days. Meaning she was leaving her H DURING the A. His "half" was still unknown to his wife. Of course, Angel31 knew this. She was leaving anyway. She was perfectly happy with it.

Until.

He gets caught AND stays.

NOW she wants to go back?

She wants out of her M...but doesn't have the courage to do so on her own. She won't leave unless she has another man ready and waiting for her.

Back off? No. She needs to face the music and examine HER actions. No free passes here BEG.
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Old 16th November 2009, 4:12 PM   #11
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I agree with a lot of what MBEG said.

My situation was very similar to yours, DDay for us was in June. NC since. I am still grieving xMM 5 months later. The pain is still real. BUT the extent to which my feelings about him intrude into me working on my M have lessened hugely. I felt it wouldn't be possible at first, but now have hope that centres on the good family times we sometimes enjoy. And that I know my H is a good man.

I have to look for silver linings. Most things good in my life feel like consolation prizes. Only time will tell if that improves and I can create happiness for myself and in my M.

And MBEG is right. You will have lots of questions about yourself, the A and your M. I needed to start to reconcile all the contradictory feelings in myself.

I will add that your (x)MM was more or less forced to do what he did. This would make it more likely for him to try with you again, depending on his levels of integrity. But you know he will not leave his family for you under a cloud of scandal. And his love for you will be shrouded by the pain he sees his wife in.

I feel in my case there is no going back now, which is horrible in one way, but at least opens the door to the future.

Good luck.
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Old 16th November 2009, 4:24 PM   #12
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i agree with this too. My xmm came to me last week and told me he still loved me. after all of the events i can tell you that it honestly did nothing for my heart. something changed in the way i see him. the light in his eyes is gone. it makes it much easier to focus on my H. the light is still there, i see it.

but even with that i still have the sad feelings and miss the times with my xMM. would i go back? H*** no.

so even though the pain isnt 1000% better, it does change.
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Old 16th November 2009, 6:26 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Apple31 View Post
I miss my affair partner so much. To go from constant contact all day, the excitement, the fun, the newness to nothing. I feel so sad. I can't stop crying. I think about him every single moment. I wonder if he is feeling the same way. I want to talk to him. I think if he called me right now and said he made a mistake I would take him back. I know he wont though.

How long will it take for this to get better? For the pain of losing him to not be so raw and horrible? I know I cannot truly commit to my husband until I can at least begin to get over my feelings for this other man. The decision to end the affair wasn't made by me and that makes this harder. I don't feel any closure. My feelings for him had not fizzled at all.

When will I stop missing him so much??
why don't you divorce your husband? why hang on to him and waste his time on this planet that he could spend rebuilding his life and finding a woman that isn't a cheater?

that way you can pursue your OM, or another man and never get married again so you can always have that "newness" you crave?
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Old 16th November 2009, 6:32 PM   #14
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and so, in light of this you realize that your husband would never and has never thown you under the bus. even through this terrible time, this man is standing by you when the other one didnt.
ya, what a way to treat a guy that is standing by her.

And you are wrong, she does NOT realize her husband wouldn't throw her under a bus...she doesn't care about what her husband is thinking. all she cares about is the newness and excitement of the affair that she lost. she is not fit for marriage. Marriage is not for the weak, the selfish, or the immature. And only those that can handle forsaking all others and the excitement that comes with it should get married.

yes, the H is standing by her.....but if the OM told her tomorrow that he is leaving his wife, she'd drop her H like a hot potato. Her husband is a fool to stand beside her just because now she might feel lonely and scared. No offense to the husband whatsoever.


Quote:
stop blaming her.
well whose fault is it that she wound up in an affair. really, you say not to blame her. so I'd really like you to answer that...if her affair isn't her fault...whose is it in your view?
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Old 16th November 2009, 6:46 PM   #15
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Dexter, are you as intolerant and unforgiving as this in all walks of life? Or is it just about affairs?

What do you do when a friend of yours behaves badly, then explains that they were messed up at the time? Do you ditch them, because any 'bad' behaviour is a sign that they don't like you after all? Or are all your friends perfect?

Or given the one strike and you're out, do you suffer a lack of friends?

There seems to be a lack of depth in your responses. And because of this, what you say doesn't really get to people (IMHO).

Would you like to reveal something you have forgiven in another human being?
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