Is xMM's behavior holding up to his "commitment"?

[I Miss the Kiss]

Hi everyone~

 

This is my first post, but I have been lurking here for a long while. I just registered for the forums today. When I have more time I will post more about my A and my xMM, but I don't have a lot of time to do that right now because I am working...

 

But I am in horrible pain xMM decided 2 weeks ago to "commit" to his W and work on his marriage. He has done this a couple of other times within our 5-month A, but this time seems to be a little more final...

 

Let me throw in the disclaimer that I respect his decision to do this. I don't like it and my heart is broken, but I respect it in terms of understanding why. He tells me that "one of the reasons I love him" is because deep down I know he is a man who fulfills his commitments... Well okay! Not so much when we were in the throes of this A, but to each his own...

 

Anyway, without going into further detail right now due to time, I have an honest question for those who have been through this. I am only asking for opinions as to why xMM may be acting this way. PLEASE don't flame me for having had an A. I am a MW. I know it was wrong. But I loved and still love this man more than I ever thought possible. I am hurting and utterly fragile at this moment. I am devastated...

 

Here is my question: Two weeks ago xMM informed me that he was going to commit 100% to working on his marriage. YES, I know that means he chose his W over me. I am painfully aware of that. We have been very LC since then, and he has admitted within that little contact that it is hard for him not to respond to me. We are a long-distance A, and we have built a lot of what we have through email, text, and phone calls. We would write long beautiful emails to each other about our feelings and otherwise... xMM did NOT ask for NC. It was just implied, I guess, that we would not be communicating much, if at all, mostly due to the fact that his W checks his cell phone.

 

Please bear with me... I know this isn't making sense... I'm a mess I really am getting to my point!

 

xMM made a statement that he was 100% committing to working on his M. He has replied very little, but has replied enough that I know he is reading my emails and the very few texts I have sent. He has outright admitted that he still reads my emails, which he has to log into his "secret" email account to read. So its not like they just pop up on his computer and he reads them because they are in front of him. I believe he is logging in at least one OR MORE times per day to read what I write (based on responses I get).

 

That being said, can someone help me understand? Why does he continue to read what I write when he is "committed" to his M? He tells me things are going "fairly well" after his most recent D-Day to his W two weeks ago. At that time, he admitted to her our last sexual contact, which was 1 week prior to him admitting it 2 weeks ago. She was obviously devastated, because she was also told that not only had he broken his promise to work on the marriage, but our sexual contact took place mere blocks from their house, in her town. I drove 4 hours to see him at his insistence (I was quite willing, though. We had not been in physical contact for 3 months prior to that due to location).

 

Since his latest admission of guilt to her, she was apparently witholding sex from him up until at least 4 days ago, but after that I am not sure, and I am not going to ask (not relevant). She has known about our A for over 4 months. He has gone back to the M a few different times and failed, having reconnected with me each time. She is aware. She is rightfully devastated by it. She is very spiritual and has a strong support system and has said she still wants the M. I truly believe she thinks he is on the right path this time...

 

I am so afraid I will be flamed because I know I am not making any sense What I am asking is basically: What in God's name is xMM thinking? He commits to his W again, has cut contact with me quite a bit, but still reads emails and responds from time to time. Today he wrote to me and said he still thinks of me all of the time. Things are going "fairly well" with his M. Then WHY does he have any desire to communicate with me at all????

 

I am not looking for validation or for someone to tell me he is about to run back to me. If that is your opinion on his behavior, then so be it-- but all I really want are honest opinions on why he says he is committed to her but obviously has not let go of me? It is terribly frustrating. He is hurting, it is obvious in his emails to me and the things he says, but I still don't understand.

 

I don't know. I hurt so badly right now that I don't think I will ever be okay....

 

Thanks in advance. I truly value each and every opinion... If you need more details please let me know. I am just randomly typing what comes out of my heart right now

[whichwayisup]

Sorry you're hurting..

 

OK, it sounds to me like he's keeping intouch so he can get his 'fix', a rush of feelings.. Those feelings that affairs create are addictive, even though it's over and he's trying to focus on his marriage, his wife, he STILL needs/wants attention from you.

 

Limited contact with him is pointless as it's just going to confuse you more, make you wonder.. And most all, hurt you over and over again.

 

He's being selfish by playing this little game with you, but with that said, and I don't mean this meanly, I say it with respect - Keeping contact with him, the flip side of it, what are you getting out of it? Why are you focussed so much on him, his progress with his wife..What about you and your husband? Are you trying to fix things, reconnect with your H?

 

If his wife finds out you two are still in contact, there's a pretty good chance she will call your H (I assume he doesn't know about the A?) and let him know what's been going on under his nose..

 

Anyway, in the bigger picture of things, the A is over, neither of you really intend on leaving your spouses, so to have limited contact is just prolonging the final goodbye and pain.. I'm sure you want to start your healing process, so I hope you gain the strength to stop the contact with him..

[MistyK]

One of the hardest thing about affairs that involve real emotion is the lack of real closure. There are SO many WS and OW/OM here that are tortured by the whati-if's. I'm beginning to wonder if it's even possible to get over an AP when the relationship hasn't had a natural closure on it's own merits (as opposed to outside pressures such as a M to someone else).

 

Yes it appears he chose the marriage, but in reality, he's still choosing both. Obviously the pull of your R has been strong enough to derail previous attempts to reconcile the M. For whatever reason, he wants to reconcile the M, but is unwilling or unable to give you completely up in the process, which dooms him to failure. I have no doubt that really cares about you.

 

One thing I wonder though - is if he tells you that he REALLY wants to work on his M, why are you still contacting him, hoping it derails? Is it that you don't believe he's sincere or that you aren't willing to let him go for your own reasons? If he's truly trying to save his marriage, and you truly love him, the most loving thing you can do is let him go, help him stick to his resolution by not contacting him. If his M fails in the end, at least he can know he gave it an honest try, and so can you.

 

Now, all that aside, what are you thinking about your own marriage? What do you want to see happen?

[jennie-jennie]

My MM wanted to work on his marriage. I insisted on NC during this time. It was awful, devastating, horrid. After 6 days he broke NC and I realized he had experienced exactly the same kind of hell. He also said it had not been possible for him to work on his marriage. I was too much the centre of his world. He went so far as to even read my posts here on LS, which to me indicate that he was in reality not able to really go NC with me.

 

I do believe it was very important for him that we were NC while he was trying to give his marriage 100%. And as important was the fact that he was the one who decided to break the NC. This way he got to realize that HE could not do it.

 

However, he is still undecided what to do when it comes to choosing me or his marriage. He feels we have moved further along, but my question is if it is only further along on an infinite path.

 

I believe your MM wants to do "the right thing", ie work on the marriage, but his heart won't let him. His bond to you is too strong.

[I Miss the Kiss]

One thing I wonder though - is if he tells you that he REALLY wants to work on his M, why are you still contacting him, hoping it derails? Is it that you don't believe he's sincere or that you aren't willing to let him go for your own reasons? If he's truly trying to save his marriage, and you truly love him, the most loving thing you can do is let him go, help him stick to his resolution by not contacting him. If his M fails in the end, at least he can know he gave it an honest try, and so can you.

 

Now, all that aside, what are you thinking about your own marriage? What do you want to see happen?

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you... You comments made my heart feel a peace I have not felt in a while.... You are right, he does care about me. This I know. Our feelings are very real and have always been almost painfully honest. That doesn't make it right, though...

 

I guess I am still in contact because my heart is still with him. During the entire A I wrote to him almost every single day, and it is proving to be a very difficult habit to break. I am trying, though, and my writing is less frequent and less lengthy now every day that passes. To be honest, you are right about my continuing to contact him because his attempts to fix his M have failed every time in the past, and not always because of me. Twice before he has come back to me on his own accord, admitting he couldn't stop loving me. However, this time I admit that I am still writing to him because I know he is not truly commited in his heart to his M. He has made this "stand" and this re-commitment to his W because everyone around him has been threatening him (family would disown him) if he didn't stay in his M. His family is also very religious and said he could not leave his M no matter what because of his marriage vows... and I completely understand where they are coming from. I am not naieve enough to think he is staying only because of the outside influence, but to be honest, I think that is a very large part of it.

 

But I digress... It doesn't matter WHY he is staying, he just is. And I need to move on...

 

My H is very aware of the A. He has been aware either by accident or by my own admission (mostly my admission) each time that the A has restarted. I am transparent with my feelings for the MM and my H has always been able to see it. From the first time my H found out, I have never lied or told him it wasn't happening. I may not have supplied the information outright, but I have never denied it to him... My H has been through a lot, and he still wants our M. I have agreed to stay with him and try to regain my love for him that I so obviously lost when I began the A. I do love my H, but admittedly not like a W should love her H. I have no sexual attraction to him at all, and I didn't for a VERY long time before my A started. My H is 12 years older than me. He is very set in his ways and isn't the most fun-loving guy. We have 4 children whom I love dearly and I don't want them to suffer for my misdeeds. They don't deserve that. So for the sake of my kids and my H, who has never once cheated on me and never would, I need to try to be happy where I am... but my heart is still my heart, and I love my xMM with every beat of that broken heart. He is the sweetest man I have ever known. We are compatible sexually in ways I never thought possible. Our R is not based upon sex, as we have only had sex twice in 5 months, and we live hours apart. I will admit, though, that the sex is mindblowing when it has happened. I will get into that in another post...

 

So yes, I am currently still with my H and hoping with everything I have that I will wake up and love my H the way I am supposed to again, and I know that won't happen if I am still communcating with xMM. It won't happen for xMM, either.... he tells me he has to "try to love his W", and that won't work if I am there at every turn...

 

I just needed some insight into his mind, that's all. I appreciate the opinions thus far and any in the future. I think you are right: He just isn't really ready to give me up, and neither am I, but I think every day will bring us closer to being able to do that. Like he has said to me, if we are ever to be together, we will be... but not until all chances have been exhausted in the M's. And we can't do that while we are still talking. We just can't I told him to come back to me someday if he didn't find happiness in his M, but not before. I also told him to be prepared that if that day ever comes, I will likely be long gone and already reconnected with my H. That's what I am really hoping for in the end...

 

Thanks again, everyone. You have made it possible for me to at least get through the next hour of my day...

[Devil Inside]

Hi everyone~

 

I am so afraid I will be flamed because I know I am not making any sense What I am asking is basically: What in God's name is xMM thinking? He commits to his W again, has cut contact with me quite a bit, but still reads emails and responds from time to time. Today he wrote to me and said he still thinks of me all of the time. Things are going "fairly well" with his M. Then WHY does he have any desire to communicate with me at all????

 

I am not looking for validation or for someone to tell me he is about to run back to me. If that is your opinion on his behavior, then so be it-- but all I really want are honest opinions on why he says he is committed to her but obviously has not let go of me? It is terribly frustrating. He is hurting, it is obvious in his emails to me and the things he says, but I still don't understand.

 

I don't know. I hurt so badly right now that I don't think I will ever be okay....

 

Thanks in advance. I truly value each and every opinion... If you need more details please let me know. I am just randomly typing what comes out of my heart right now

 

Hello MTK...welcome to LS.

 

I'm sorry that you are in pain. I'm sorry that you feel so bewildered by this man's behavior. Maybe I will be able to give you some insight. I was the MM in my A.

 

My situation is a little different in that my xOW ended the A...not me. She did struggle however with what I said after it was over. She would ask me if she was right in ending it...if indeed I was going to work on my marriage. I would tell her that I was...but that I still loved her. This drove her crazy because she said that if I loved her that I would have picked her at some point in our A. That the pain of not being with her would have led me to divorce my wife to be with her. She said that my words and actions did not match up...and you know what...she was right.

 

So what was going on in my head. How could I say I loved her so much yet stay married. Well I can only say that when I look back I think that regardless of how much I loved her I was in a situation where I was afraid of making a mistake. I was afraid of choosing the wrong path...my wife and married life...or her and an unknown life. We had many obstacles to overcome to be together...I guess I didn't have the faith that love would conquer all...even though I loved her so much. So for me it came down to being a coward.

 

I hope that you can heal from this. One thing that helped both me and my xOW was to go NC. This shut down the crazy conversations we had that went in circles. The last conversation before we went NC I was able to tell her that I made a choice not to choose, and that it made sense that she left me. I apologized for not picking her and told her that I would always love her. This was a much better way to end things because I think it validated her emotions. However...if your MM cannot say these things then I think you will continue to be hurt.

 

Why does he check his email...because he still feels connected to you. It is not east to just turn off your emotions..and I'm sure he struggles with this. Does this mean he will come back..maybe...it's happened before. Should you take him back?...This is for you to answer...but I would ask you why you would. How many times are you willing to be hurt as he remains indecisive?

 

As for your fear about being flamed...don't worry. You can't always save your face and your ass at the same time. I hope you can find some peace. Maybe you can find a way to get some love from your marriage. You didn't mention much about that side of things. How is your marriage?

[I Miss the Kiss]

So what was going on in my head. How could I say I loved her so much yet stay married. Well I can only say that when I look back I think that regardless of how much I loved her I was in a situation where I was afraid of making a mistake. I was afraid of choosing the wrong path...my wife and married life...or her and an unknown life. We had many obstacles to overcome to be together...I guess I didn't have the faith that love would conquer all...even though I loved her so much. So for me it came down to being a coward.

 

DI, let me tell ya! Your quote above hit the nail on the head with my xMM! He has said as much many, many times. It is the "unknown" with me versus being with his wife since they were 15 (20 years ago) and being comfortable. He has never had sex with a woman other than his wife until me :/ So obviously he probably has an extra dollop of guilt on his plate due to this. They went to Christian school together, dated, got married, had kids.... she has never "been with" anyone but him, which I'm sure makes this whole A even harder for her to deal with due to that kind of betrayal. Now that my head is coming slightly out of this fog, I do see that she must be in terrible pain over that one fact in-and-of itself...

 

So back to my xMM: He not only struggles with unknown versus comfort, but we also have (or would have) a lot to deal with to be together. Jobs, locations, kids, finances. It was all a lot to get past. But in the end I know it wasn't IMPOSSIBLE. Very hard, yes. But not impossible. But he worried about providing for me, and if he left his M, in his state he would have to pay her alimony on top of child support. Yikes...

 

Anyway, the hurdles in terms of logistics like that are not what bother me. It is the whole emotional tie that we have that has been so very hard to break. He emailed this morning that even though things are going "fairly well" at home (what does that mean???!), he still thinks of me a lot. He even went as far as to say that if he was not there fulfilling his commitment to his W, he would be with me in a heartbeat. Well DUH!!! Not once in 5 months has he ever even admitted that he loves his W. I have told him that I know he DOES love her, at least in some way. Of course he does! I just think he loves me differently, probably in more of the way he would really like to love someone. He is very passionate, she is very reserved. He is a lover, not a fighter. She gets upset when he won't sustain an argument with her.... the list goes on. And YES I know that I should not take everything he says as gospel, but if there is one thing about this man, I can honestly say that I don't think he has ever really lied to me. Trust me, I have enough hurt to prove that. He has been honest even when he knew it would hurt, and I have always thanked him for that...

 

So, DI, thank you so much for giving me a look into the other side of the MM mind. I needed that! I hope you are on your way to healing as well. I can't tell you how thankful I am to have found this site and all of the amazing people who are here. I am so glad I finally worked up the nerve to post! Thank you all for being so welcoming....

[MistyK]

So yes, I am currently still with my H and hoping with everything I have that I will wake up and love my H the way I am supposed to again, and I know that won't happen if I am still communcating with xMM. It won't happen for xMM, either.... he tells me he has to "try to love his W", and that won't work if I am there at every turn...

 

If you're truly hoping to reconnect with your H, yet engaging in behaviors that you know will sabotage that effort - are you willing to admit that maybe you aren't hoping to reconnect with you H? It sounds more like you are hoping that MM will get out of his M and you'll follow suit. Are you staying in your M because it is the morally "right" thing, or true desire?

 

I told him to come back to me someday if he didn't find happiness in his M, but not before. I also told him to be prepared that if that day ever comes, I will likely be long gone and already reconnected with my H. That's what I am really hoping for in the end...

 

 

I've said that too (come back to me someday), mostly out of fear that I'd never hear from him again. I've said the second part too, but to be honest, it was kind of manipulative. The implication is that he ought to hurry up or lose me. It's loosely an ultimatum. Just something to think about.

 

It also sorta sounds like you have anger at him for not choosing you.

Totally understandable. But being married yourself complicates things. Both of you are perhaps playing mind-reader to see if the other one of you will leave their spouse, measuring the odds, and doing what is safest so as not to end up alone. A's in general are horridly complicated and when you're both married it goes through the roof. Having been in your shoes as a MOW, I suggest that you try hard to seperate the relationships in your mind and look at the merits of your M completely apart from the relationship with MM. You can't make a decision on either one based on the other, you'll just end up chasing your tail.

[fooled once]

Hi everyone~

 

This is my first post, but I have been lurking here for a long while. I just registered for the forums today. When I have more time I will post more about my A and my xMM, but I don't have a lot of time to do that right now because I am working...

 

But I am in horrible pain xMM decided 2 weeks ago to "commit" to his W and work on his marriage. He has done this a couple of other times within our 5-month A, but this time seems to be a little more final...

 

Let me throw in the disclaimer that I respect his decision to do this. I don't like it and my heart is broken, but I respect it in terms of understanding why. He tells me that "one of the reasons I love him" is because deep down I know he is a man who fulfills his commitments... Well okay! Not so much when we were in the throes of this A, but to each his own...

 

Anyway, without going into further detail right now due to time, I have an honest question for those who have been through this. I am only asking for opinions as to why xMM may be acting this way. PLEASE don't flame me for having had an A. I am a MW. I know it was wrong. But I loved and still love this man more than I ever thought possible. I am hurting and utterly fragile at this moment. I am devastated...

 

Here is my question: Two weeks ago xMM informed me that he was going to commit 100% to working on his marriage. YES, I know that means he chose his W over me. I am painfully aware of that. We have been very LC since then, and he has admitted within that little contact that it is hard for him not to respond to me. We are a long-distance A, and we have built a lot of what we have through email, text, and phone calls. We would write long beautiful emails to each other about our feelings and otherwise... xMM did NOT ask for NC. It was just implied, I guess, that we would not be communicating much, if at all, mostly due to the fact that his W checks his cell phone.

 

Please bear with me... I know this isn't making sense... I'm a mess I really am getting to my point!

 

xMM made a statement that he was 100% committing to working on his M. He has replied very little, but has replied enough that I know he is reading my emails and the very few texts I have sent. He has outright admitted that he still reads my emails, which he has to log into his "secret" email account to read. So its not like they just pop up on his computer and he reads them because they are in front of him. I believe he is logging in at least one OR MORE times per day to read what I write (based on responses I get).

 

That being said, can someone help me understand? Why does he continue to read what I write when he is "committed" to his M? He tells me things are going "fairly well" after his most recent D-Day to his W two weeks ago. At that time, he admitted to her our last sexual contact, which was 1 week prior to him admitting it 2 weeks ago. She was obviously devastated, because she was also told that not only had he broken his promise to work on the marriage, but our sexual contact took place mere blocks from their house, in her town. I drove 4 hours to see him at his insistence (I was quite willing, though. We had not been in physical contact for 3 months prior to that due to location).

 

Since his latest admission of guilt to her, she was apparently witholding sex from him up until at least 4 days ago, but after that I am not sure, and I am not going to ask (not relevant). She has known about our A for over 4 months. He has gone back to the M a few different times and failed, having reconnected with me each time. She is aware. She is rightfully devastated by it. She is very spiritual and has a strong support system and has said she still wants the M. I truly believe she thinks he is on the right path this time...

 

I am so afraid I will be flamed because I know I am not making any sense What I am asking is basically: What in God's name is xMM thinking? He commits to his W again, has cut contact with me quite a bit, but still reads emails and responds from time to time. Today he wrote to me and said he still thinks of me all of the time. Things are going "fairly well" with his M. Then WHY does he have any desire to communicate with me at all????

 

I am not looking for validation or for someone to tell me he is about to run back to me. If that is your opinion on his behavior, then so be it-- but all I really want are honest opinions on why he says he is committed to her but obviously has not let go of me? It is terribly frustrating. He is hurting, it is obvious in his emails to me and the things he says, but I still don't understand.

 

I don't know. I hurt so badly right now that I don't think I will ever be okay....

 

Thanks in advance. I truly value each and every opinion... If you need more details please let me know. I am just randomly typing what comes out of my heart right now

 

She isn't having sex with him because she is heartbroken. You imply that she is doing it to be malicious, but come on, how easily could anyone jump into bed with someone that admitted they cheated recently????

 

Why do you continue to write to him? Why do you continue to text him? He continues to read and respond because YOU send them to him. He knows you are hurting and he may feel obligated to respond to you.

 

My advice - stop sending him messages. Allow him the time and space to truly recommit to his marriage. If your relationship is meant to be, it will happen.

[I Miss the Kiss]

"I believe your MM wants to do "the right thing", ie work on the marriage, but his heart won't let him. His bond to you is too strong."

 

Jennie-Jennie, you are absolutely right. If you knew my xMM you would agree. We have often talked about how strong our bond is, depsite the obstacles. We have become best friends over these months, right or wrong. He has admittedly struggled with his "head versus his heart", and I truly believe that is a big part of why he remains where he is. So we are working through that bond, trying to weaken it. I have to go NC, there is no choice. He has not asked for it, but as someone said above, if I truly love him (and I do, so very much), I need to let him go so he can really try to see if he can salvage his M (and me salvage mine).

 

I don't know how his W will ever be able to move on, I really don't. She has been repeatedly betrayed by his inability to fully separate from me, and especially this last time when she found out we had been intimate again, even long after she thought he was "working on things" and not talking to me at all. So she was probably even more hurt and betrayed this time because it is not the first time, and not only did she find out we were still communicating, she found out we had a 4-hour sex marathon mere blocks from her house Just typing that is opening my eyes to how wrong this all is... My heart needs to let him go, its the only way. I have to tell him we are going NC. If he chooses to break that, it will not be because of me....

 

I will keep you all posted on how this goes. Thank you all again...

[Devil Inside]

Anyway, the hurdles in terms of logistics like that are not what bother me. It is the whole emotional tie that we have that has been so very hard to break. He emailed this morning that even though things are going "fairly well" at home (what does that mean???!), he still thinks of me a lot. He even went as far as to say that if he was not there fulfilling his commitment to his W, he would be with me in a heartbeat. Well DUH!!!

 

He is lying to himself in some ways. "Fairly well" does not mean anything. It means that he is doing what he thinks he should be doing...but if it was going well he wouldn't be contacting you so much.

 

He is still conflicted. He may always be...regardless of who he ends up with.

 

 

Not once in 5 months has he ever even admitted that he loves his W. I have told him that I know he DOES love her, at least in some way. Of course he does! I just think he loves me differently, probably in more of the way he would really like to love someone.

 

This is exactly how I felt about my OW. I loved her in the way I wanted to love someone. I loved my wife as well. However...I never made that a secret from my OW. I think she always hoped that I loved her more and enough to not be a coward...I did too.

[EcstasyX6]

Hi MK,

After reading your post, I felt compelled to write to you because I'm in a similar situation except I'm the married person, and he's divorced, but mainly because I view my marriage(now separated), in the same way that you view yours. However in my case, we tried therapy, romantic getaways, and everything. He had discovered a previous affair, but forgave me and still wanted me, but despite having 2 beautiful kids, I knew that I didn't love him the way a woman should love and respect her husband and that I couldn't stay another 5, 10, 20 years that way. Neither of us is getting any younger, and I have one life to live as far as I know, and the idea of retirement with my husband after the kids are gone:(,was not something that I could envision. I didn't want to become this bitter old lady with regrets. During my entire 17 year marriage, I was always admiring other people's relationships wondering why I couldn't have that bond and chemistry with my partner, and yearning for more(a lot of problems that are too involved to discuss here), until I met my current partner. He literally captivated me in all ways(yes, I cheated again..our friendship obviously turned into something much more). I was so taken by his personality, consistency, honesty, and physicality, I knew that I didn't want another man period. I have never experienced lovemaking like we have together. It's beyond physical for us both.

 

When I asked my husband for a divorce(which I had been planning to do for years), I was fully aware of the ramifications, and the pain all around that it would cause. It's a tough step to take(not saying your MM should), but one that was needed in my life to be an authentic person. I was living a lie. What I am saying though, is that even by keeping in communication, your MM is straddling the fence. HE HAS NOT made a full COMMITMENT to reconcile with his wife. He should make a firm decision either way and stop hurting you, and his wife. If he stays, he should CUT OFF all communication with you permanently.

 

Some will blast me, but believe it or not, I get honesty and commitment now because I understand what it means to fully love someone, and what it means to hurt someone's soul, which I have vowed to myself and God to never do again. I will make other mistakes in my relationship, but it will NOT cheat...even if he does. It's the worse answer to solve relationship problems, and most importantly, when you really love someone, you have no desire to do so.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know how his W will ever be able to move on, I really don't. She has been repeatedly betrayed by his inability to fully separate from me,

 

Can't the exact same thing be said about your own husband? How is HE able to move on, move past this when you're doing same thing that your MM is doing?? You seem way to concerned about his marriage, what's going on there, what he's thinking, what she is feeling/thinking..WORRY about you and your own life..Your marriage, your husband.

 

Another thing, you say your MM hasn't ever lied to you.. Don't fool yourself. He has omitted tons from you, possibly lied to you as well, not malciously, but selfishly. Why would he not ever lie to you, yet he's totally able to lie to the woman he said vows to, the woman who beared his children.

[I Miss the Kiss]

This is exactly how I felt about my OW. I loved her in the way I wanted to love someone. I loved my wife as well. However...I never made that a secret from my OW. I think she always hoped that I loved her more and enough to not be a coward...I did too.

 

Yep, once again you hit the nail! I know he loves his wife, but in our months of communication I have come to see that he grew into a different kind of man than he was when he was 15 and met his now W. She continued down a conservative path, while he evolved into a man who needed more. He is quite adventurous (that's kind of an understatement, huh?!) and very open. His job is a very dangerous one, and he is surrounded by very "manly" types on a daily basis. She is reserved and-- I hesitate to use the word "prudish", but that is basically what it boils down to in terms of her sexual side. This is his description of her, not mine, so take it for what its worth. What he means is that she is not anxious or sometimes even willing to try anything new, and I'm sure that gets old after 20 years... But in reality, he should have worked through that with her before looking elsewhere... We met quite by chance, though. Neither of us were looking, yet there we were...

 

Another post above stated that his wife is not sleeping with him because she is heartbroken, and I want to say that I never meant to imply otherwise I know she is, and I don't blame her for feeling that way. I didn't mean to sound like she was witholding from him maliciously at all. I know that is not the case.

 

So yeah, DI... I have been hoping he would stop being a coward or whatever it is he is being, but I don't think he will ever get there... and that's okay. I keep telling myself he was never mine to begin with. I have to keep telling myself that... One of these days I will listen. :/

[Devil Inside]

Yep, once again you hit the nail! I know he loves his wife, but in our months of communication I have come to see that he grew into a different kind of man than he was when he was 15 and met his now W. She continued down a conservative path, while he evolved into a man who needed more. He is quite adventurous (that's kind of an understatement, huh?!) and very open. His job is a very dangerous one, and he is surrounded by very "manly" types on a daily basis. She is reserved and-- I hesitate to use the word "prudish", but that is basically what it boils down to in terms of her sexual side. This is his description of her, not mine, so take it for what its worth. What he means is that she is not anxious or sometimes even willing to try anything new, and I'm sure that gets old after 20 years... But in reality, he should have worked through that with her before looking elsewhere... We met quite by chance, though. Neither of us were looking, yet there we were...

 

Another post above stated that his wife is not sleeping with him because she is heartbroken, and I want to say that I never meant to imply otherwise I know she is, and I don't blame her for feeling that way. I didn't mean to sound like she was witholding from him maliciously at all. I know that is not the case.

 

So yeah, DI... I have been hoping he would stop being a coward or whatever it is he is being, but I don't think he will ever get there... and that's okay. I keep telling myself he was never mine to begin with. I have to keep telling myself that... One of these days I will listen. :/

 

You know the thing of it is...for whatever reason I was not the same man with my W and I was with my OW...and as much as I wanted to believe that was about her...it was mostly about me. So when I was with OW, and I was this man that I always wanted to be...and that is who she saw me as...it was very intoxicating. However that is where me being a coward seeped into every part of my life. What was holding me back from being that man in real life? Well...me.

 

I see my time with my OW as a gift. I remember telling her that I would be less of a man without her now. She told me that I was always that man..that I am still him..and that once I realize that the world is mine...she just wishes I realized it in time to take the bull by the horns with our situation.

 

You know what...she has changed me. I am less of a coward. However by the time that I get to where I need to be to be able to really commit to decisions in my life she will be but long gone memory. I would suspect your MM may be the same.

 

Remember this. Actions SCREAM and words WHISPER. His actions will tell you where he is at now...and what he is capable of now...what he says does not mean much. Trust your gut. Good luck. If you need support you know where to find us.

[NowhereToHide]

You know the thing of it is...for whatever reason I was not the same man with my W and I was with my OW...and as much as I wanted to believe that was about her...it was mostly about me. So when I was with OW, and I was this man that I always wanted to be...and that is who she saw me as...it was very intoxicating. However that is where me being a coward seeped into every part of my life. What was holding me back from being that man in real life? Well...me.

 

I see my time with my OW as a gift. I remember telling her that I would be less of a man without her now. She told me that I was always that man..that I am still him..and that once I realize that the world is mine...she just wishes I realized it in time to take the bull by the horns with our situation.

 

You know what...she has changed me. I am less of a coward. However by the time that I get to where I need to be to be able to really commit to decisions in my life she will be but long gone memory. I would suspect your MM may be the same.

 

Remember this. Actions SCREAM and words WHISPER. His actions will tell you where he is at now...and what he is capable of now...what he says does not mean much. Trust your gut. Good luck. If you need support you know where to find us.

 

 

DI, I felt the same way in my A... I felt that I was back to being ME when I was with him. I was the person that I wanted to be. But here's the thing... while I'm still that person deep down, there is something about being SEEN as that person that makes it easier to BE that person.... Does that make sense?

 

My AP adored me. He saw all of my good traits (and conveniently overlooked most of my negative ones as usually happens in the beginning of a relationship). We showed each other our best. And it is powerful stuff to be seen in that light.

 

Kisses... my situation is almost identical to yours. I told my MM very early on that I wouldn't leave my family for him. It's not until coming onto these boards that I realized that my A ended most likely because of me saying that to him. When he realized it couldn't happen a few months into it, he decided to try and make his marriage work. That's not to say that he would have definitely left her for me, but if he had that as a possibility, who knows what would have happened.

 

I'm not saying this to be harsh, but he is gone to you now. You need to think about you, your husband and your family. Since your H knows about the affair, I would suggest MC as well as IC for yourself. Dedicate the time to your H and your marriage. If at the end of the day you don't think it will work, then divorce for YOU, not because there is someone waiting in the wings.

 

You are addicted to him. He is like a drug. You need to go NC and stick to it. It's your only hope of taking care of yourself.

 

I know the hardest thing for me was always wondering what HE was thinking, what HE was doing, whether HE still cared.... but the thing was, I wasn't asking myself those same questions. I wasn't asking myself what I wanted, what I thought was right.

 

Please try and let him go. I'm six months out and I am doing much better. Letting go is hell (I felt like I was dying). But you can get through it.

[sadintexas]

He isn't completely cutting you out for one or more of several reasons:

 

1) He can't just shut off his feelings for you like a faucet and does miss you

 

2) He misses the validation and rush of excitement, happiness, whatever he gets from your contact with each other

 

3) Living in a fantasy helps things at home. Without the fantasy (i.e. you), he's faced with living his real life ALL the time

 

4) He has issues that allowed him to choose an A in the first place and he hasn't yet addressed those issues.

 

And there are more possible reasons I'm sure. The point should really be though, what are YOU going to do about it?

 

You feel bad for the devastation his W is experiencing. He stated he wants to give it 100%. You continuing contact with him is further hurting his W and his chances of reconciling his M.

 

Until you quit meddling, expect this to continue. The only way he'll shut the door on his M for good is if he chooses to for the right reasons. If he feels there is work left to be done there, he'll be there to do that work. You're dragging out the conclusion of this (one way or another) by not giving him the space he needs to do what he says he wants to do.

 

Let him live without you for a while. #3 above is the best thing that can happen to him. Let him live in his real life and see if it's really what he wants.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Sad in Texas, all I can say is you are absolutely right...

[Devil Inside]

DI, I felt the same way in my A... I felt that I was back to being ME when I was with him. I was the person that I wanted to be. But here's the thing... while I'm still that person deep down, there is something about being SEEN as that person that makes it easier to BE that person.... Does that make sense?

 

It make all the sense in the world. It is one of the root causes for my infidelity...and suspect for many others.

[NowhereToHide]

It make all the sense in the world. It is one of the root causes for my infidelity...and suspect for many others.

 

I know... I can't stand the fact that, at the core of all of this, it was my f'ing insecurity that lead me to stray. I was so desperate for someone to see me again... to validate me and appreciate me and to show me love.

 

I am working through the self esteem issues in therapy -- more uncomfortable than I can even tell you. But hopefully I'll make some strides.

 

And I'm not sure if I can ever get my husband to realize how important it is for him to be engaged with me on that level -- not the 'fantasy' level, but the reality that we all need validation sometimes. Emotionally I'm just not sure he can be open enough for that.

[Devil Inside]

I know... I can't stand the fact that, at the core of all of this, it was my f'ing insecurity that lead me to stray. I was so desperate for someone to see me again... to validate me and appreciate me and to show me love.

 

I am working through the self esteem issues in therapy -- more uncomfortable than I can even tell you. But hopefully I'll make some strides.

 

And I'm not sure if I can ever get my husband to realize how important it is for him to be engaged with me on that level -- not the 'fantasy' level, but the reality that we all need validation sometimes. Emotionally I'm just not sure he can be open enough for that.

 

No reason he can't go to therapy either. People can surprise you...he is still with you now...it seems he has the desire to be with you and love you...give him the chance to do this for you too.

[whichwayisup]

And I'm not sure if I can ever get my husband to realize how important it is for him to be engaged with me on that level -- not the 'fantasy' level, but the reality that we all need validation sometimes. Emotionally I'm just not sure he can be open enough for that.

 

I think this goes for everyone who's in a LTR, or married. It's a basic need that has to be met - A glue. And when one doesn't get that, they look for it in other places. Knowingly or unknowingly.

[NowhereToHide]

I think this goes for everyone who's in a LTR, or married. It's a basic need that has to be met - A glue. And when one doesn't get that, they look for it in other places. Knowingly or unknowingly.

 

 

So true, WWIP. It IS like glue.

[NowhereToHide]

No reason he can't go to therapy either. People can surprise you...he is still with you now...it seems he has the desire to be with you and love you...give him the chance to do this for you too.

 

 

He is still with me, DI, but he has no idea about the affair.

 

I have been pushing MC for a while. And to my surprise, he brought it up last night as something he really wants to do (for me? not sure). But the fact that he is open was encouraging.

[NoIDidn't]

I know... I can't stand the fact that, at the core of all of this, it was my f'ing insecurity that lead me to stray. I was so desperate for someone to see me again... to validate me and appreciate me and to show me love.

 

Wow, this should be in the Infidelity Forum.

 

I think it is the main reason for most affairs - validation for an insecure soul. We all have insecurities. I don't know why its such a horrible thing to admit that or have someone tell us that obvious truth.

 

But I do disagree with one thing, and this is why it should be in the Infidelity Forum so we can "dissect" it some more. LOL.

 

I do not believe that the person that is revealed from the MP is the actual person that they are. Its their idealized self. Not the self that they actually are or even their best self.

 

When my H was in his EA, he likely felt the same. And in my charming way (LOL), I told him he was lying to himself, to look around and see what his "idealized" self managed to do to his life and family. He took a good look around and found that he had snapped on our children enough that I had to confront him in front of them and they knew it was unacceptable behavior. He job performance was the worse it had ever been. He wasn't in danger of being fired, but he had performed at his lowest ever in 10 years on that job. And I was not at all fond of this ultra-selfish person who was basically getting his ego stroked by someone else when he had responsibilities that I expected him to keep up with and he wasn't holding up his side at all.

 

No offense to anyone with this analogy, but children think they are the bees' knees too. Yet, they have a lot to learn.