What do weekends away in an A mean?

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

since I am sure this is common in many As, I wanted to get people's (broadly speaking: MM, MW, OW, OM, BS, etc.) opinions about what weekends away mean in an A. Case in point: my MM has suggested we go away for a weekend to a town near the city we live in. We've stayed in a hotel one night in our city when his wife/kids were out of town (well, at least that's what he told me.)

 

That event made our emotional feelings much stronger and just gave us more of a chance to be around each other. I think we were both having a combination of wondering/hoping/dreading what the more-constant time together would bring...and it brought us closer -- for better or worse. Now, he's suggesting a little bit longer getaway. Aside from endangering my own feelings by becoming even more emotionally attached to him, I literally feel sick to my stomach when I know he is likely choosing to spend a night w/ me over one with his kids and wife. That is the one thing that he has said is the most problematic for him when he spends time with me. A weekend away takes that to a whole new level.

 

So, my question for everyone is: have you done this? How did it bode for the rest of the A? MM/MW -- why did you suggest it? Did it take the "fog" out of the A? Did it only enhance it?

 

I have simply asked my MM why he doesn't take his wife to all these grand ideas he has for me and him. He does not have a good answer...

[bentnotbroken]

since I am sure this is common in many As, I wanted to get people's (broadly speaking: MM, MW, OW, OM, BS, etc.) opinions about what weekends away mean in an A. Case in point: my MM has suggested we go away for a weekend to a town near the city we live in. We've stayed in a hotel one night in our city when his wife/kids were out of town (well, at least that's what he told me.)

 

That event made our emotional feelings much stronger and just gave us more of a chance to be around each other. I think we were both having a combination of wondering/hoping/dreading what the more-constant time together would bring...and it brought us closer -- for better or worse. Now, he's suggesting a little bit longer getaway. Aside from endangering my own feelings by becoming even more emotionally attached to him, I literally feel sick to my stomach when I know he is likely choosing to spend a night w/ me over one with his kids and wife. That is the one thing that he has said is the most problematic for him when he spends time with me. A weekend away takes that to a whole new level.

 

So, my question for everyone is: have you done this? How did it bode for the rest of the A? MM/MW -- why did you suggest it? Did it take the "fog" out of the A? Did it only enhance it?

 

I have simply asked my MM why he doesn't take his wife to all these grand ideas he has for me and him. He does not have a good answer...

 

Mr. Messy didn't have one either. Interesting seeing the answers.

[White Flower]

since I am sure this is common in many As, I wanted to get people's (broadly speaking: MM, MW, OW, OM, BS, etc.) opinions about what weekends away mean in an A. Case in point: my MM has suggested we go away for a weekend to a town near the city we live in. We've stayed in a hotel one night in our city when his wife/kids were out of town (well, at least that's what he told me.)

 

That event made our emotional feelings much stronger and just gave us more of a chance to be around each other. I think we were both having a combination of wondering/hoping/dreading what the more-constant time together would bring...and it brought us closer -- for better or worse. Now, he's suggesting a little bit longer getaway. Aside from endangering my own feelings by becoming even more emotionally attached to him, I literally feel sick to my stomach when I know he is likely choosing to spend a night w/ me over one with his kids and wife. That is the one thing that he has said is the most problematic for him when he spends time with me. A weekend away takes that to a whole new level.

 

So, my question for everyone is: have you done this? How did it bode for the rest of the A? MM/MW -- why did you suggest it? Did it take the "fog" out of the A? Did it only enhance it?

 

I have simply asked my MM why he doesn't take his wife to all these grand ideas he has for me and him. He does not have a good answer...

The first time I stayed overnight with MM I was very anxious. Every anxious feeling was extinguished and it brought us closer.

 

The next couple of times brought us even closer and I hated going home. It is hard to bond so well with someone only to have to say goodbye at the end of the trip.

 

I can only guess your MM's W does not like to travel or enjoys a little break away from him as most married couples do. It actually allows for them to miss each other and if she doesn't know about you then this may be the reason. If he actually says that to you you might bop him on the head! So, he has 'no good reason' for you.

 

He may also be wondering if traveling with you is better than traveling with his W. If he is the honest type, not serial, etc., he may very well be trying to figure out if you're worth leaving his W for. He won't tell you this though. No man in his right mind will let you know you're 'trying out for the role'. Just be yourself, enjoy your time, and do what is comfortable for you to do.

 

I sense that you have a problem with him spending a night or two away from his kids. Is it because he makes you feel guilty about this? Or that you don't respect him for leaving his kids for a few nights? Or have I missed the point? Keep in mind many people, not just men, travel for business and have to leave their kids behind with a spouse or grandparents regardless so don't allow the A be the fault behind the guilt of leaving the kids with mom.

[NoIDidn't]

You are his vacation. She is his life.

 

Fantasy (in his mind) vs Reality (what he thinks of the life he lives with his W and family).

 

I would rather hang out with someone that's going to make me feel like I can do nothing wrong too. His W probably makes him feel very human. And taking care of kids is not sexy.

 

It serves to deepen the attachment in the A. But ultimately, my opinion is that he wants to do it with you because of the above.

[2sure]

I guess it depends on the circumstances of your MM. If he travels often away from his family...then a weekend away would be natural. Since you are having an affair with him - to feel bad about him taking time away from his family is a moot point.

 

He has a wife and he has you. Both. You are alone. Take the weekend away and make damn sure its first class. The man is a coward, dont accept cheap as well.

 

When I was OW, travel with MM was expected, at least by me. The only problem was, sometimes you get so used to them going home after a few hours....when they dont, its kind of different.

[fooled once]

All a weekend away means is more fantasy (not real life and real issues), time away to pretend you are a couple and all the affair fog stuff.

 

I did it many times when I was a fOW.

 

Doesn't mean you have a future. Doesn't mean you it is more real. Just means you have time for more than a slam bam thank you ma'am.

[sadintexas]

Brought us closer. Made it harder in the end for me. It helps perpetuate the fantasy of "this is what life would be like if we were together".

 

And no, it didn't mean we were moving any closer to being together in the real world.

[LakesideDream]

It's exciting, then sooooooo relaxing when you are together for 24-48-72 hours. Beware though, if it doesen't work out, and frankly it usually doesen't it's going to make it much harder for you as an OW, assuming you've fallen in love (Note to Lizzy, stop reading).

 

I've been there and done that as an OM, and it's painful. I don't envy your position.

[whatisgoingon]

Brought us closer. Made it harder in the end for me. It helps perpetuate the fantasy of "this is what life would be like if we were together".

 

And no, it didn't mean we were moving any closer to being together in the real world.

 

This is exactly how it made me feel, we never went away but we spent weeks together at my house. "pretending".

[Solear]

Myself and my MW used to take long weekends together and stay in hotels, go for long walks. all very relaxing and loving, but now when i thin back and know how she left me. She was just not facing up to things at home and I was just a release for her. I'm now on Prozac as of two days ago. she hasnt contacted me in four weeks and has no idea what state I'm in. This is a woman who wanted my children and we were together a year and a half.

 

Stop your affair it will never work unless she /he leaves her husband first !!

 

 

You WILL get hurt

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

He may also be wondering if traveling with you is better than traveling with his W. If he is the honest type, not serial, etc., he may very well be trying to figure out if you're worth leaving his W for. He won't tell you this though. No man in his right mind will let you know you're 'trying out for the role'. Just be yourself, enjoy your time, and do what is comfortable for you to do.

 

I sense that you have a problem with him spending a night or two away from his kids. Is it because he makes you feel guilty about this? Or that you don't respect him for leaving his kids for a few nights? Or have I missed the point? Keep in mind many people, not just men, travel for business and have to leave their kids behind with a spouse or grandparents regardless so don't allow the A be the fault behind the guilt of leaving the kids with mom.

 

Interesting that you say he may be "trying me out" in a role as a more serious. According to all the other posters on here, that is rarely what is going through a MM's head. I don't think he has ever seriously considered leaving his wife for me but I do think he has wondered what it would be like if we were together -- that seems inevitable when you spend enough time with someone other than your spouse whom you're sexually and emotionally attached to.

 

Yes, I do feel guilty that he is leaving his kids for me for a few nights. But, when I have mentioned this to him he says -- somewhat sarcastically -- that he has gone away for many weekends before and it's not a problem. And, I acknowledge that -- but all of those times weren't to sleep with a woman other than his wife (presumably, if he's telling me the truth that this is his first A.)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

CTE,

 

Would it matter to you if this were his 2nd or 15th affair? I mean would it make a difference?

[Confused4Now]

We went to Disneyland 3 weeks after D-day for the weekend and had the best time ever only to come home and watch her go back to her life. As it was said earlier in the thread I think it was a escape for my MW. I also have to agree it's a vacation which makes it more a fantasy cause we did have the best time ever considering what just happened. It was definitely not real life!!!

 

So for sure it brought us closer and the fog got thicker....

[NoIDidn't]

Interesting that you say he may be "trying me out" in a role as a more serious. According to all the other posters on here, that is rarely what is going through a MM's head. I don't think he has ever seriously considered leaving his wife for me but I do think he has wondered what it would be like if we were together -- that seems inevitable when you spend enough time with someone other than your spouse whom you're sexually and emotionally attached to.

 

Believe me, he's not thinking of trying you out, just in wearing you out.

 

A weekend with you is just a break from his *real* life.

 

Of course, he'll never tell you that.

 

And, if you think what White Flower and the many others that have done this with their MP does that they are "trying you out", you are setting yourself up for exactly what they went through. The biggest pain of their life that they built up into something it just wasn't for the MP.

 

Going into it thinking that its an audition for the main part being played by the spouse, is a surefire way to heartbreak.

 

Going into it knowing that its a break from your everyday reality gives you the chance to enjoy it for what it is. A break. A vacation.

[White Flower]

Interesting that you say he may be "trying me out" in a role as a more serious. According to all the other posters on here, that is rarely what is going through a MM's head. I don't think he has ever seriously considered leaving his wife for me but I do think he has wondered what it would be like if we were together -- that seems inevitable when you spend enough time with someone other than your spouse whom you're sexually and emotionally attached to.

 

Yes, I do feel guilty that he is leaving his kids for me for a few nights. But, when I have mentioned this to him he says -- somewhat sarcastically -- that he has gone away for many weekends before and it's not a problem. And, I acknowledge that -- but all of those times weren't to sleep with a woman other than his wife (presumably, if he's telling me the truth that this is his first A.)

You are smart to wonder if you are indeed the first OW. I was slammed with discovering I wasn't and nobody could have told me any different a couple of years ago.

 

He has planned a trip away with me and told me he looks forward to spending some time together and doing things, 'Like a real couple'. He isn't talking about the things of fanstasy this time. He is trying to win me back.

[White Flower]

Believe me, he's not thinking of trying you out, just in wearing you out.

 

A weekend with you is just a break from his *real* life.

 

Of course, he'll never tell you that.

 

And, if you think what White Flower and the many others that have done this with their MP does that they are "trying you out", you are setting yourself up for exactly what they went through. The biggest pain of their life that they built up into something it just wasn't for the MP.

 

Going into it thinking that its an audition for the main part being played by the spouse, is a surefire way to heartbreak.

 

Going into it knowing that its a break from your everyday reality gives you the chance to enjoy it for what it is. A break. A vacation.

All true if he is typical or serial, not if this is his first time in an A and is looking for real solutions. Of course I don't want to give the OP false hope but it does happen albeit rarely.

[sadintexas]

Interesting that you say he may be "trying me out" in a role as a more serious. According to all the other posters on here, that is rarely what is going through a MM's head. I don't think he has ever seriously considered leaving his wife for me but I do think he has wondered what it would be like if we were together -- that seems inevitable when you spend enough time with someone other than your spouse whom you're sexually and emotionally attached to.

 

You can have both scenarios simultaneously. My xMM told me he used to dream of what it would be like if we were together. He may have even pretended in his mind that we were M when we went away together, who knows. The end result though is that it was still just fantay.

[NoIDidn't]

You can have both scenarios simultaneously. My xMM told me he used to dream of what it would be like if we were together. He may have even pretended in his mind that we were M when we went away together, who knows. The end result though is that it was still just fantay.

 

I agree. Both can happen simultaneously. I am just of the mind that it is more break than test. Because if you fail the "test" portion, they aren't just going to end the break and run home to their responsibilities. They still want the break.

 

Reading this reminds me of my overnights with my ex. Yuck, is all I can say. I would never put myself in this position again. Position of mentally and emotionally overthinking whatever it is that is going on.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

CTE,

 

Would it matter to you if this were his 2nd or 15th affair? I mean would it make a difference?

 

Yes, it would make a big difference. This was something I was highly critical of in the beginning openly with him. I have dropped it now in the last couple months (it's been going on for six months.) It seems as if he is telling the truth, but really -- I have no idea and I need to remember that. He always says he has been the serious relationship type guy, not the player. That is something straight of a playbook to say, though. And, to top it off -- I met him out at a club. So, clearly he is out and about. I do believe him though...more than not. Being on here is making more skeptical by the day.

 

If this was his 15th affair, I would be out in a second. I suppose that makes no sense, but then again -- things in these types of situations don't. We always hope our A is different or this MM feels especially strong for us, and not all other women. Who knows.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I agree. Both can happen simultaneously. I am just of the mind that it is more break than test. Because if you fail the "test" portion, they aren't just going to end the break and run home to their responsibilities. They still want the break.

 

Reading this reminds me of my overnights with my ex. Yuck, is all I can say. I would never put myself in this position again. Position of mentally and emotionally overthinking whatever it is that is going on.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with you. I have no doubt that my MM has wondered what it would be like to be with me in *real* life. He said once that I would be a nice woman to settle down with. That said, I am 99.9 percent sure he has absolutely no plans to leave his wife ever. He's generally content with her, they're very good friends and I also think his kids play a big role in keeping his marriage intact. I don't think a weekend getaway is an audition for me to be play his main girl; I think it is his chance to play make-believe. To pretend I was his main girl. It's also a chance for him to get away from the stressful realities of his life...details of which I am not quite sure since so many of them involve his family. But, in reality I will never be his main girl and he knows that and -- unfortunately (or fortunately? depends on how you look at it...) I see that too. I know I am not ever going to be with him in real life. At the same time, I can't help but want to spend time with him regardless, simply to spend time with him. I know that feeling will ultimately escalate -- it already has somewhat -- to a point where I just want more and more time with him and that will not ever be possible.

[ednadean]

Brought us closer. Made it harder in the end for me. It helps perpetuate the fantasy of "this is what life would be like if we were together".

 

And no, it didn't mean we were moving any closer to being together in the real world.

 

yup. I've never experienced the w/e away ---but I think that's what it does. It perpetuates HIS fantasy...which is actually your reality.

 

BUT -- then again --- does one live for the moment or for later consequences? I've only ever had an EA with my MM -- and for the most part logically, I feel really happy that we kept it as such -- but sometimes I'm like "maybe we should have gone further when we had the chance and lived in the moment"....

 

I definitely think that if he didn't have children I would have been prepared to go much further.

 

keep your heart about you

[tami-chan]

since I am sure this is common in many As, I wanted to get people's (broadly speaking: MM, MW, OW, OM, BS, etc.) opinions about what weekends away mean in an A. Case in point: my MM has suggested we go away for a weekend to a town near the city we live in. We've stayed in a hotel one night in our city when his wife/kids were out of town (well, at least that's what he told me.)

 

That event made our emotional feelings much stronger and just gave us more of a chance to be around each other. I think we were both having a combination of wondering/hoping/dreading what the more-constant time together would bring...and it brought us closer -- for better or worse. Now, he's suggesting a little bit longer getaway. Aside from endangering my own feelings by becoming even more emotionally attached to him, I literally feel sick to my stomach when I know he is likely choosing to spend a night w/ me over one with his kids and wife. That is the one thing that he has said is the most problematic for him when he spends time with me. A weekend away takes that to a whole new level.

 

So, my question for everyone is: have you done this? How did it bode for the rest of the A? MM/MW -- why did you suggest it? Did it take the "fog" out of the A? Did it only enhance it?

 

I have simply asked my MM why he doesn't take his wife to all these grand ideas he has for me and him. He does not have a good answer...

 

What does it mean?

 

1) He is able to come up with a good enough lie to his wife--"ironclad"

 

2) He enjoys the thrill of being with you in a place where he does not have to deal with the children knocking on the door asking for dad...

 

3) He really likes you and enjoys being with you and no matter who gets hurt in the end...important thing is: HE is feeling so good RIGHT NOW having you in his life.

[GreenEyedLady]

If you are feeling that guilty why even stay in the R?

 

You can't even spend a weekend with him because you feel bad he's taking time away from his wife and kids.

 

So you must just like being treated badly and expect nothing more.

 

I see no reason for you to continue this R if you cannot enjoy something that many OW cannot even partake in.

 

Why are you still there? For a couple of hours of company and sex? For an A that is pretty seedy? Is that how you see your R?

 

You are short-changing yourself.

 

GEL

[Mino]

my xmm and I have had several vacations overseas. They were the best times ever....

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

What does it mean?

 

1) He is able to come up with a good enough lie to his wife--"ironclad"

 

2) He enjoys the thrill of being with you in a place where he does not have to deal with the children knocking on the door asking for dad...

 

3) He really likes you and enjoys being with you and no matter who gets hurt in the end...important thing is: HE is feeling so good RIGHT NOW having you in his life.

 

Yup, you are spot on. And, I think that is all it is -- not some audition for the "main role" or anything that substantial. I too am considering going away with him because I think #3 for me. And, as some other posters on here have said, why not live in the moment? The one night we have gotten a hotel in the city we live in...was amazing.