should i still be her friend?

[deepblue79]

here's an old thread of my situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125655/

 

Basically, I was in a year-long, online relationship with this girl who had a bf of 12 years. Each week, we would spend 5-6 nights on msn together doing things. She went through a phase where she tried to push me away (she didn't believe that I loved her)..by not coming on msn and ignoring my calls/texts. But, she came back about 2.5 weeks later..to be friends. Even though she says she still loves me, I think she's come at peace with herself, that we don't have future together.

 

Well..her and her bf are getting married this weekend..and they're going to try and have a baby too. So, I know it's over between us. She says she can't continue loving me anymore, and I agree w/ her. But I've been fighting w/ myself on whether or not to stay friends with her.

 

I keep looking at the pros and cons of continuing to go online for her. I do enjoy her companionship a lot..playing games, and just chatting with her. Just being near her makes me happy..I know eventually I could accept just being her friend. On the other hand, I keep envisioning the day when she tells me she's pregnant. I know it would hurt so much..I don't know what I'd do.

 

The one thing I really want, is to meet her as friends, which she keeps saying "one day, we will"..one day, when she's ready. Yet, I don't know when that'll be. It's so hard to drop someone you've been w/ for so long..and never seen. I need to meet her..for curiosity and closure's sake. I'm thinking about telling her that I can't be friends w/ her, unless she meets me.

 

I guess I could use some advice on whether to stay friends or not..how to get her comfortable enough to meet me. Does anyone else have similar experiences where they stayed as friends?

[Love4Eternity]

Well this is just my thoughts on this, but I think you should let her go and let her be happy with her soon to be husband. I don't think you should give her an ultimatum that's just not right, either you continue to be friends or you don't and if down the road she wants to meet you, she will let you know but you shouldn't pressure her into doing something she isn't ready to do. The way I see it, she is trying to move on with her life and wants to start a family she doesn't want to hurt you so she is letting you down easy, at least she is offering her friendship that's better then nothing and if you cannot handle just friends then you need to move on too...again just my thoughts good luck...

[whichwayisup]

Your whole relationship was online, it may have felt "real" and you may think you love her because of how she made you feel - But, it's not in real life. She has a life offline, which you only know bits and pieces of, what she was willing to share with you.

 

Honestly, the way you feel about her, you can't stay her friend. You'll be hanging on to the fantasy, hoping that she'll choose you. I'm sorry to be harsh but she isn't going to meet you in real life. Especially since she's getting married, and also planning on having a baby. Her telling you "one day" is her way of putting it off. Trust me, her soon to be husband isn't going to want her to meet some guy she's been talking to online. I'm guessing that he probably doesn't know you exist, at best - To the extent of your 'friendship' with eachother...

 

I think she's come at peace with herself, that we don't have future together.

 

She came to peace with this a while ago, otherwise she wouldn't be getting married. You need to come to terms with it, make peace, and most importantly, MAKE your own closure. You can't rely on her for that! Meeting her face to face is NOT going to give you closure, it will only make you feel more strongly. And, prob. make you want to see her more... Best way to do this is say goodbye now, heal yourself - Grieve the friendship and move on...

 

It's better for you to end it, rather than her end it with you.

 

IF you have trouble coping, seek some therapy.

[Lyssa]

Yup, WWIU is right. Just let go of this "friendship". I'm sure she enjoyed your company online but that's just it. Nothing more. She's getting married this weekend AND planning to have a baby. She wants a family with her soon to be husband... I think that says a lot about how she feels about you and her life.

[deepblue79]

Your whole relationship was online, it may have felt "real" and you may think you love her because of how she made you feel - But, it's not in real life. She has a life offline, which you only know bits and pieces of, what she was willing to share with you.

 

Honestly, the way you feel about her, you can't stay her friend. You'll be hanging on to the fantasy, hoping that she'll choose you. I'm sorry to be harsh but she isn't going to meet you in real life. Especially since she's getting married, and also planning on having a baby. Her telling you "one day" is her way of putting it off. Trust me, her soon to be husband isn't going to want her to meet some guy she's been talking to online. I'm guessing that he probably doesn't know you exist, at best - To the extent of your 'friendship' with eachother...

 

She came to peace with this a while ago, otherwise she wouldn't be getting married. You need to come to terms with it, make peace, and most importantly, MAKE your own closure. You can't rely on her for that! Meeting her face to face is NOT going to give you closure, it will only make you feel more strongly. And, prob. make you want to see her more... Best way to do this is say goodbye now, heal yourself - Grieve the friendship and move on...

 

It's better for you to end it, rather than her end it with you.

 

IF you have trouble coping, seek some therapy.

 

What if I don't hang onto the fantasy that she'll choose me? What if all I'm looking for is her companionship? Although I still love her, I know that we are incompatible in a lot of ways, and there are certain qualities about her that I don't like. I know that there are better girls out there for me.

 

Regards to meeting, we've made plans to meet before in the past..probably 3 times, all of which either she changed her mind, or I bailed. I know that 1. she's afraid she'll cheat, and 2. her bf might find out..and she would lose respect w/ her entire family. I believe her 100% that we'll meet one day..it's only a matter on when.

 

Honestly, I'm just so curious to meet someone I've spent so much time with, even if I can't be w/ her. I'd do anything to meet her just once. I feel like the only closure would be to meet her, b/c, like you said, although the love feels "real", I don't know if it truly is. I'm willing to take the chance that I would feel even more strongly and have my heart broken, than to never be given that chance at all. If I don't feel chemistry..then it'd be easy to move on.

 

Am I crazy? Wouldn't you'll have a hard time saying goodbye w/ someone you've dreamed about meeting for the past 5 years?

[whichwayisup]

What if I don't hang onto the fantasy that she'll choose me?

She isn't going to pick you. Sorry, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but she doesn't know you at all in real life - Only online - She's told you she's getting married, mentioned to you that she wants a baby, to me, that says she isn't going to pick you.

Stop your fantasy of her choosing you...If you don't, you'll be the one who suffers while waiting...

 

What if all I'm looking for is her companionship? Although I still love her, I know that we are incompatible in a lot of ways, and there are certain qualities about her that I don't like. I know that there are better girls out there for me.

 

You are compatible online, not offline. You know nothing about her other than what she's told you. You don't know her mannerisms, or how she interacts with her family, friends. IF she is selfish, or has mood swings, etc...

 

This isn't a case of someone being better girl for you, it's a case of you having a relationship with someone in the flesh, face to face, which is HEALTHIER for you and more real.

 

Regards to meeting, we've made plans to meet before in the past..probably 3 times, all of which either she changed her mind, or I bailed. I know that 1. she's afraid she'll cheat, and 2. her bf might find out..and she would lose respect w/ her entire family. I believe her 100% that we'll meet one day..it's only a matter on when.

 

Someone changing their mind 3 times means something...And, with good reason too. She shouldn't be sneaking off to meet another man she's talked online, she would be lying to her soon to be husband. And, putting herself in a situation where she might cheat...GOOD FOR HER for saying no to you. She is making the right and proper decision. Respect that and stop pushing to meet her...

 

Honestly, I'm just so curious to meet someone I've spent so much time with, even if I can't be w/ her.

 

Online friendships are just that. Online. Again, 3 times she's changed her mind, so her actions ARE telling you that you two are not going to meet face to face.

 

I'd do anything to meet her just once. I feel like the only closure would be to meet her, b/c, like you said, although the love feels "real", I don't know if it truly is. I'm willing to take the chance that I would feel even more strongly and have my heart broken, than to never be given that chance at all. If I don't feel chemistry..then it'd be easy to move on.

 

Yes, but she isn't willing to take that chance because she is about to get married and start her life with someone else. YOU have to move, NO MATTER WHAT. Even if you do love her, have chemistry with her - She isn't yours for taking. I hope you understand that. There is no chance for you and her...

 

Am I crazy? Wouldn't you'll have a hard time saying goodbye w/ someone you've dreamed about meeting for the past 5 years?

 

No, you're not crazy, but I do think what you're feeling could turn into an obsession. If she choose to ignore you and not contact you, would and COULD you let her go - NEVER email or IM her again? Or would you email her and try to contact her after the fact?

 

Whatever it is, is over...Because she's getting married, there is no place for her to be flirting with you, now that would be leading you on as she knows how you feel...

 

Seriously, if you can't cope with the reality here, get some counselling. Sorry to be harsh but you gotta let go and move on. Make your own closure, but not face to face. Get your closure if she is willing to help you, ONLINE.

 

Good luck.