does she want to let me go for good?

[deepblue79]

I've been in a yearlong online relationship with this girl who has a long-time boyfriend. We grew so close with each other during this time, and built upon our previous friendship, b/c we had known each other for many years before. Over the past few months, we've had a lot of arguments about my feelings for her..in which she would feel skeptical whether I really loved her. During these times, she would be hurt and withdraw, but somehow we would always wind up back together.

 

Recently, it's been painful for me, b/c I think about her being with her bf, and not with me. Two weeks ago, I confessed this to her. I told her that these times are seldom (2x/month), and that our good times together makes it all worthwhile. She didn't take it very well..saying how I've been acting differently lately, and haven't been loving her the same. She knew something was wrong.

 

Since then, she hasn't been coming online, doesn't text me anymore. She doesn't want me to call, saying she knows she'll melt when she hears my voice again. She says she doesn't deserve me..and that she can never make me happy. She keeps apologizing for hurting me, asking me to forgive her, and to find somebody who can make me happy. It's too painful for her, to keep starting us over and over again. She says she'll always love me, and that she'll contact me when she's ready to be friends.

 

I want her in my life, even if I am hurt at times. I love her so much, I would wait for her forever. I know it's hard for her, b/c breaking up w/ her bf would mean losing her entire family, to be with me. She wants her bf to break up with her first. Is it wrong for me to want to fly to her and tell her that I love her? We've made plans to meet in the past, but she's scared..as am I. September was the day we talked about meeting..but now she says she doesn't want to.

 

Should I just stop contacting her? Should I fly up there on our planned date? I know I'll receive some criticism for my actions, but any honest advice would be helpful. Thanks.

[werty]

sorry, i got no words to say. but ill keep checking this topic, for somehow your situation is same as mine

[lostintexas]

She is telling the truth that you deserve better. I know its hard but you have to walk away from this situation its unhealthy for you. I know from experience.

[Hurt & Alone]

Deep Blue79,

I would say, even though it may be very difficult to hear that she seems to want her space. It may be bc she honestly wants you to find someone else and she does not want to hurt you. For her to tell you that she is waiting for her bf to break up with her does not seem to make sense to me bc if she truly did not want to be with him she would leave him. If you have other plans in mind other than taking the trip to see her I say go but, if that is the only reason for the trip then wait until she contacts you and tells you that she wants you to take the trip. I think it would be more devestating to you if you fly there and she refuses to see you.

I know that the no contact thing is distrubing and you constantly think of her and wonder what she is doing and if she is thinking of you. It is very hard not having communication. Maybe she is trying to figure out what she really wants as well, I am not saying that she does not love you, she just may be very confused and by showing up after she says not to might upset her and back lash on you, even if your intentions are good.

[jerbear]

Two options:

 

1) Move on, forget about her.

2) Stay friends without romance hopes.

 

As a friend you can stick around and be with her. don't expect anything more from her. You told her how you really felt, now ball is in her court.

 

Honestly she seems be under the control of her bf, lacks self esteem and confidence in herself. If she did go to you, she'll go back to her "badboy" bf sooner or later.

 

Love hurts, let her go. She can not be "forced" into a relationship. You can find someone who is ready for you and not one that is wishy washy.

[deepblue79]

In the past, when we went through our arguments, I was always able to win her back either by doing something sweet or by talking through things. I know she is kinda confused b/c two weeks ago, she even questioned herself how much she loved me b/c she knows how much I hurt..and how much she hurts me.

 

Regarding her family, she has a really big one..and if ever left her bf, everyone, including her parents, would know she cheated. She would lose everything, including her nieces/nephews whom she talks about all the time. So, in a way, she's choosing her life right now over a potential one with me.

 

No contact is so hard..two days ago was a special day for us, and she came online for a few minutes. She came to thank me for the email/poem I sent her and to tell me that she loved me, not to give me hope. As she was leaving, she said she was looking at one of my pictures, and started having all these feelings for me again. Then she just left abruptly, saying she had to go.

 

I guess even though it would be something wonderful if we stayed together, she knows it'll only be that much worse when she chooses her life over me..so she might as well end things now. What really hurts is that love is still there, yet she's deciding to walk away from all of it.

[werty]

were almost the same situation bro. we dont really know what they are really thinking. it would be best to let them settle what theyre thinking about. the more we will disturb them, the more they may stay away from you. all we can do is respect what they wanted for us, and its the space. we just cant force someone to be in a relationship.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Yep, been there myself - only not in your shoes. Many years ago, I was a notorious cake eating cheater just like your gf, and I can remember having to cut OM loose when they started getting too close. It won't be pretty, but I can pretty much tell what is going on.

 

Translation:

 

Since then, she hasn't been coming online, doesn't text me anymore. She doesn't want me to call, saying she knows she'll melt when she hears my voice again.

 

She is avoiding you, and wants you to leave her alone.

 

She says she doesn't deserve me..and that she can never make me happy. She keeps apologizing for hurting me, asking me to forgive her, and to find somebody who can make me happy.

 

I want to get rid of you, but do it in a way that makes it look like I have your best interests in mind. I basically just don't want you to think of me as a bitch for choosing my boyfriend over you, and dumping you when you began to threaten my real relationship.

 

It's too painful for her, to keep starting us over and over again.

 

Painful? I doubt its pain so much as it is guilt. She cares for you, but has no intention of you ever being more than a side item - when she feels pressure to make it more than that, she feels guilty. Again, she is trying to make herself look like the victim and avoiding the 'bad guy' label.

 

She says she'll always love me, and that she'll contact me when she's ready to be friends.

 

I expect you'll hear from her when she is feeling more secure in her primary relationship, gets bored with it again, and is in the mood for some more excitement. She isn't offering any real friendship. She is just leaving the door open a crack in case she has further use for you, plus it keeps you from seeing her as a bitch for dumping you. She's so good at it, that you haven't even realized you've been firmly dumped.

 

Honestly? She is right about one thing: you do deserve better. People can do much better than to settle for being some cheater's second best (or third, fourth, depending just how far down you are on their priority list).

 

The best thing you can do is walk away. That will be a far more welcome thing for her, and much healthier thing for you.

[Lizzie60]

I totally agree with everything you said.

 

Been there too... when I got bored I would distance myself... it was all a game for me...

 

To the OP... move on... no other advice.

[Lyssa]

Been there, done that to a guy.

 

Women, most of the ones I know anyway - will avoid men when they are too clingy... or too emotional.

 

Women nowadays need some space too, not just men.

[deepblue79]

Our first few months together were so wonderful. This was my first love, and everything just poured out of me like a fairy tale. She said she had never been loved like that before..and that nobody could ever love her as much as me. I guess in the last few months, I haven't been loving her the same way. Maybe that's why she's pushing me away.

 

Is it love if a girl wants you just for how you make them feel inside? Is it just infatuation? lust? I really want to believe that she wanted me for me..not just for the way I loved her, and I try reasoning to myself that she did. She always loved the clinginess b/c it made her feel wanted..and she was always worried that I was the one bored w/ her. Her biggest fear was that I would eventually leave her. "Everyone leaves me" she would say.

 

The other day, she said that she's been able to think about me w/o crying anymore. I want to believe that she cries for how much she hurt me.

[deepblue79]

were almost the same situation bro. we dont really know what they are really thinking. it would be best to let them settle what theyre thinking about. the more we will disturb them, the more they may stay away from you. all we can do is respect what they wanted for us, and its the space. we just cant force someone to be in a relationship.

 

yeah man, I suppose there really isn't anything we can do..I've already tried contacting her like so many times..and nothing. How are u handling your situation? I find myself working out more and trying to do more activities to get her off my mind. Because if not, I would just sit at home and cry. It's so painful to change your lifestyle..getting used to not having her there w/ you, even though I still wait for her every night.

[werty]

well, i'm just doing every stuffs i can do everyday. as long as its not something that i will not be alone with,or something i wont be stuck in one corner.just keep yourself busy. also, even if we both really ddn't talk much about really breaking up (the heck she was still calling me "baby", the day after she text me that it was better if we stop this, and i was like asking we really should talk), she has yet to communicate with me for the past 2-3 weeks already. this has given me the space i unintentionally need, and each day that passes made me realize that hey,i have done all i can, its all up to her if she will make the move or not. but hey, don't expect from it. we must move on and love ourselves.

[deepblue79]

I'm coming upon 2 weeks too, tomorrow. She stopped calling me baby, after I told her my feelings..and when I called her my baby, she said it made her heart hurt..and that she didn't deserve to be. :/

 

Sometimes, during this space that I'm getting, I just keep telling myself how much I love her..and how much I know it's meant to be. So I feel like I don't have anything to worry about b/c I know we'll eventually be together. That thought keeps me going through the days.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I just keep telling myself how much I love her..and how much I know it's meant to be. So I feel like I don't have anything to worry about b/c I know we'll eventually be together. That thought keeps me going through the days.

 

Hopefully with some time, and her shutting you completely out (no contact) you'll overcome this flawed thinking. It won't get you anywhere but that much closer to a dead heart.

 

They say that when you lose the thing you love most, you'll experience the greatest freedom you have known. Hopefully you'll get to the point where you will turn this heartbreak around, and find yourself thankful that she cut you loose. Every day you waste on this woman is another day you are losing with someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.