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married 3 years


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 11th January 2018, 7:48 AM   #1
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married 3 years

My wife has been a stay at home mom for the last 3 years (her choice). In the last year we have started clashing a lot. I make enough money doing what I do so we started thinking about getting separate apartments for a few months to a year so we are not always on each others backs. This way we can start repairing our relationship. Her apartment would be nearby. We would visit eachother. We would still hang out, have dinner together.

We both agreed that would be a great idea. So she started looking for apartments. My only concern about this was my daughter. I wanted it in writing which days I would get her and which days she would get her (in case things didnt work out and she decided to call the cops saying i took her daughter) To make her feel more secure I also put it in writing that I would give her x amount of money a month for rent and I would still pay her phone and so on.

Within a few days we started to get along. We were holding hands, we were still sleeping together. A couple weeks later I decided I wanted to keep working on things together without the separation. Because I saw we were getting along I thought it would be unnecessary to get a seperate apartment. I asked her to stay, she said no. she wants her own place. I understood.

A week later I started getting a gut feeling that she was seeing someone. I confronted her she said she was not. She left her phone charging in my studio and she was in the other room. I walked up to her one more time to ask if she was seeing someone. She denied it again. I went back and opened her phone. I saw text messages to a guy i know isnt one of our friends. So i opened it. They were sexting eachother. I scrolled up and it was like a knife hit my chest. They were meeting up to have sex. I couldnt scroll any more. I walked up to her and asked who is this guy. Why did she lie to me. She was upset i went through her phone. But she told me it was a one time thing and it meant nothing. I asked if she would keep seeing him or anyone else, she didnt have an answer for me. I told her i was under the impression that we would be working things out. she said i need my space from you. Once I move out and clear my head then we can talk about us again. I said ok but i need a commitment that you wont see other guys. she said no shes not going to give me a commitment. I kept telling myself it was a one time thing i can get over it. it hurt but its ok. I still love her. A few days later we were talking and i begged her to stay and not move out. She said no, I asked about the commitment thing again. I got more information out of her. This time she said it was 3 times that they slept together. And the timeline basically had me and this guy sharing her. because in the time that we "split" we still slept together 3 or 4 times.

This devastated me. I think I have depression now. I came close to killing myself. I started drinking. I spent a couple grand at a stripclub. I started doing stupid things. Every time I hear her showering, getting ready, shaving her legs I assume shes seeing this guy. My imagination runs wild about them. It keeps me up at night. I started seeing another women to distract myself. I told my wife I dont care she can go have her fun im moving on. Thats when shes like Oh i thought we were working things out. I said how are we working it out if you want your freedom to **** other guys? Im not gonna wait around till your bored of them and want to come back to me. She said she already broke it off with that guy because she thought we were working it out. She didnt let me know any of this prior to this conversation. We talked and talked and I finally told her at this point if she moves out we are over. If she wants to work on it she has to stay here. My mind cant handle imagining her being on her own in her own place ****ing guys. So we both agreed we would continue working things out living together.

Fast forward a few weeks. Things have been going great between us. We have been spending a lot of time together. having a lot of fun. My mind still runs wild about the things she did with this guy. I wonder if she misses him. I wonder if she thinks about him. I wonder if he was better than me. I wonder if when we finally sleep together again if she will think about him. Even though things are great right now im still depressed. I still have thoughts of killing myself daily. Shes my wife. us together is something special we had but its gone now. I dont know how to get over the thoughts of them. She says she doesn't regret what she did. I also cant get her phone out of my head. I keep trying resist the urge to open it and see what else is inside.
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Old 11th January 2018, 8:56 AM   #2
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Distance / separate apartments & other people in a marriage make the problems worse, not better as you are finding. You need MC if you are going to resolve this & you both need to be under one roof.
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Old 11th January 2018, 10:24 AM   #3
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Cheaters lie a lot. Thatís all youíre getting.

Why do you think she wanted a separation?

To spend more time with her other man with you out of the way.

This isnít s one time thing. Go online and check your phone bill if you want the timeline.

Get out of your naive denial.

If your smart youíll see an attorney and file.

If you beg, plead and cry itíll just lower your status more
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Old 11th January 2018, 10:26 AM   #4
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No matter what inform the other mans wife immediately without warning
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Old 11th January 2018, 10:36 AM   #5
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Two possibilities:

1) She was already involved in an affair and was happy to have you finance her sex nest with the other man. She is a liar and has had sex with him many more times than she admitted, and possibly has had sex with many other men.

2) Only days after moving out, she found a man to have sex with. Someone she barely knew. This says a lot about her character. She could be carrying diseases that she's sharing with you.

Keep in mind that she's not even sorry that she did any of these things. She might even still be seeing him behind your back.

I honestly don't see what there is to save about your marriage. It would be another thing if she was begging for forgiveness, but she's not. You will never look at her the same way again.

If you plan to stay with her, insist that she get tested for STDs. Buy a home DNA testing kit to perform a paternity test on your child. Do this cheek swab in front of her and let her know why. Whatever you do, stop begging her to reconcile with you. Feel free to open her phone and see what's inside. You deserve honesty, and this is something you'll get more from her phone than from her. In fact, her phone might make a better wife.
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Old 11th January 2018, 11:27 AM   #6
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Quote:
Things have been going great between us.
but....

Quote:
My mind still runs wild about the things she did with this guy. I wonder if she misses him. I wonder if she thinks about him. I wonder if he was better than me. I wonder if when we finally sleep together again if she will think about him. Even though things are great right now im still depressed. I still have thoughts of killing myself daily.
and then....

Quote:
She says she doesn't regret what she did.

It's like you're trying to tell us things are going great while your house is burning down and you just found out you have cancer.

Things are not great between you and your wife. Things are not great with you yourself period. You should be seeing a therapist for your own well being if you're having suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. Your wife is not worth harming yourself over.

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she's still seeing guys behind your back. Especially if she tells you to your face she has no regrets about screwing you over in the first place. Why wouldn't she screw you over again?? What consequences has she had to deal with after cheating on you?? She gets to **** other guys in an apartment that you pay for, then you welcome her back with open arms suffering the entire time, and show her a good time??? Are you kind of understanding why your wife doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you?? Are you even sure this is the first time she's cheated??

You're trying to reconcile with a woman who isn't remorseful. She's not even regretful. That's not going to work.
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Old 11th January 2018, 11:51 AM   #7
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*sigh*

Yes, your wife is sleeping with another man. If she's willing to 'date' you while separated, that only means that she's not sure that the other fellow will work out. She's exploring her options. If that bothers you, then yes, file now, because you will ALWAYS know that she was willing to sleep with other men and hide it from you, you will ALWAYS know that she did not consider your marriage vows as sacred as you did.

On the other hand, DON'T listen to the people who are trying to blow things up just to hurt you. They're trying to "help" by making you feel as bad as possible in order to pressure you into doing what they think you should. Don't act as if their ideas are facts. Deal with the ACTUAL facts. The actual facts are bad enough!

And please do not abuse, terrify, or reject your child just to try and score points against your wife.
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Old 11th January 2018, 12:18 PM   #8
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Move on, it's over.
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Old 11th January 2018, 12:54 PM   #9
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So let's see...

So let's see...

Well, basically you have been doing everything wrong. She was not "seeing" this guys, or another one, during the split.

She was, and probably still is seeing him before the split. She was having an affair with him and "He" was the reason for the split. She wanted to act single while still having you pay the bills.

Further, you are believing everything that she says. That makes you a foolish man. She is and has been lying to you the entire time and still is.

Why are you taking her back? Has she done anything to convince you that she actually loves you, besides holding your hand and having sex with you?

It sounds like she is looking for a replacement for you, and as soon as she finds him, you are out.

You are making the same mistakes that most men who have no idea how to deal with their wife's affair act.

I suggest that you think about what you are doing and not just be happy because she has not divorced you yet...
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Old 11th January 2018, 1:07 PM   #10
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Whatís weird about this is sheís got the most to lose but is calling the shots while you fall apart. If you walked away, having decided you canít live with her AND the memory of her hookup(s), sheíd be the loser. Maybe she knows what a dependable, decent person you are and doesnít worry about support. Either way, why is she calling the shots?
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Old 11th January 2018, 1:17 PM   #11
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Talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
So let's see...

Well, basically you have been doing everything wrong. She was not "seeing" this guys, or another one, during the split.

She was, and probably still is seeing him before the split. She was having an affair with him and "He" was the reason for the split. She wanted to act single while still having you pay the bills.

Further, you are believing everything that she says. That makes you a foolish man. She is and has been lying to you the entire time and still is.

Why are you taking her back? Has she done anything to convince you that she actually loves you, besides holding your hand and having sex with you?

It sounds like she is looking for a replacement for you, and as soon as she finds him, you are out.

You are making the same mistakes that most men who have no idea how to deal with their wife's affair act.

I suggest that you think about what you are doing and not just be happy because she has not divorced you yet...
I agree with Blue. Don't believe us? Think back to when the trouble started in your marriage, now, go to your cell phone provider (assuming it's your account since she doesn't work) ask for the records from that time period, I'm sure you will find all the proof you need.

Listen, we aren't telling you these things to hurt you as someone suggested, it because we've been there, we have a pretty good understanding of what not to do.

Yes you blow it up, tell the other guys wife (if he is married) tell her parents, stop paying for her to live. Blow it up, watch it crumble and then decide if the pieces are worth working with. If she can't handle it, then you've saved time, energy and money

Doing what you're doing now, is like a slow death. She is lying to you, that you can be sure of, she has no remorse, and she will simply get better at keeping it from you.
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Old 11th January 2018, 3:06 PM   #12
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine what it is like to have those thoughts constantly in your mind. I can tell you still really love her, and it is also obvious you want to be there for your daughter too. Have you considered talking to a counselor or a pastor? Someone like that might be able to help you deal not only with the situation, but he or she might also be able to give you a strategy to combat those awful thoughts.
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Old 11th January 2018, 3:17 PM   #13
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So...Can we please STOP calling her a "stay at home mom". She wants another place, she has been drilling another guy for a LOOOOONG time. Probably when you two started the "fighting" (read: staged hate)

I am loving that she had the gall to ask for phone privacy when she doesn't even contribute to paying for it...Bwhahaha.

You need to serve her, hard and fast. Divorce papers and get her out of your home. If she ends up pregnant with the OM....Are you prepared to financially pay for it? Don't believe me? Wanna bet? Ask your lawyer.
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Old 11th January 2018, 6:28 PM   #14
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Go see a lawyer tomas and stick a fork in this marriage. It is DOA. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:15 AM   #15
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Hi Folks, I am getting a weird feeling about this thread. What is the sage saying about things of this sort? It is '............where angels fear to tread'! The OP has not returned to respond to any of the excellent advice given to him. Who in such pain, would do that? Also according to him he has been married just three years. It should still be the honeymoon phase of the marriage. His wife could not be better looked after. She is a stay at home mom by her choice, her husband earns well enough to provide her a very comfortable life, she has a small child fully dependent on her who would require constant attention so why would she rock the boat so early on in her marriage knowing she has everything to lose?

The whole thing stretches the credibility factor unless the OP comes back and gives a more detailed background as to how he and his wife got together in the first place, how long they dated before marriage, their ages and whether his wife was working before marriage and so on and so forth. He has not mentioned anything about the quality of his relationship long term and why it started going South in the first place. I should think all these pieces need to be put in place before one can take a call on what has gone wrong and where. It would help if he gave some background on what his wife's singleton days were like. If she was the partying, bar hopping type or the more serious home maker type. Just my thoughts on this. Warm wishes.
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