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I had an affair


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 4th January 2018, 2:58 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by TrustedthenBusted View Post
Believe me... she didn't earn any brownie points with me for speaking highly of me while in bed with an idiot from work.

I only brought it up to highlight that there are some affairs that happen for reasons OTHER than just "taking a test drive" or that some OM is a better option. Many women, particularly those with self esteem issues, often have to tolerate having sex with someone they don't really like in order to keep the compliments and the attention and adoration coming, which is really what they feed on.


Yes, for the sake of the children we worked at getting to the bottom of why she did what she did, and we reconciled. It was a long, slow, painful process that I would never have even considered had we not had young kids.
Happy for you things worked out for you inthe end.

good point "Many women, particularly those with self esteem issues, often have to tolerate having sex with someone they don't really like in order to keep the compliments and the attention and adoration coming, which is really what they feed on. "

I think this is what happened to me. Even though she never said I was bad in bed to me personally..I found out in her diary where she mentioned another guy who is good in bed..this made me think I'm the worst guy..such terrible feeling I carry to this very day...thank you for the insights
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Old 4th January 2018, 6:27 PM   #17
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if you are still reading, do you feel any remorse for your H's pain?

how would you feel if he had an A?

or are you no longer together?

hope you find some IC to help.
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Old 5th January 2018, 1:51 PM   #18
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I had an affair

Many thanks for your replyís. First off I didnít see this guy everyday. In the two years this went on he showed up twice. It was mostly a texting type of relationship. The times he did show up I guess I felt I had to do it. Itís hard to explain. Yes I liked the guy. He had such sweet words...thatís what I fell for. I didnít know the real him. I saw bits and pieces of the real him. Of course he showed more of the true him toward the end. Online affairs are not with that person but what they project themselves to be. I never knew him. After two years I didnít even know where he really lived. He was just a romantic online fantasy.

Yes my husband was crushed. He fell apart. Got locked up for suicide watch. My world came crashing down. I couldnít believe the pain I caused. Most cheaters I guess donít think about that until it happens. We have been going to M/C for years. I am with him everyday. I gave up my social media, put my email on his phone so he can read everything I get. I got life 360 on my phone so he can see where I am at all times. If I go to the store I tell him where Iím going and I send a picture when I get there. I donít go out except with him. And that has been wonderful. We go out more now together than when we were kids. Key here is we are having fun.

I have learned to communicate better. I hid the fact I was sexually abused for may years as a child. I never told anyone. But in M/C it came out. I thought I could handle it but I saw how it had affected my marrage over decades. My husband got angry over it. He knew there was a problem with our sex life our entire marrage and he had accepted it was his fault when in fact it was me. I did have problems. I had flashbacks at times. Usually at the worst of times. But I hid it. I was just to ashamed I guess. Anyway Iím being seen for that also. The depression and anxiety attacks.

And yes bad sex in affairs does happen. I admit it was exciting the first minute. Them everything just shut off. I kept thinking I shouldnít be here. And the sex sucked and I felt dirty and ashamed while it was happening. But I went back two more times. Yes I did and it got worse.
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Old 5th January 2018, 3:09 PM   #19
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To answer your original question, did anyone else have a bad affair....are there really any good ones?
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Old 5th January 2018, 7:24 PM   #20
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Answer

You are correct...if I could turn back time.
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Old 5th January 2018, 9:55 PM   #21
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we all make mistake. shouldnt matter if its a mw or ow
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Old 6th January 2018, 6:30 AM   #22
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Hi misspalmy, sorry but it's not a mistake. It's a choice, a bad one but still a choice. Warm wishes.
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Old 6th January 2018, 3:27 PM   #23
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Quote:
By Gina
Yes my husband was crushed. He fell apart. Got locked up for suicide watch. My world came crashing down. I couldnít believe the pain I caused. Most cheaters I guess donít think about that until it happens. We have been going to M/C for years. I am with him everyday. I gave up my social media, put my email on his phone so he can read everything I get. I got life 360 on my phone so he can see where I am at all times. If I go to the store I tell him where Iím going and I send a picture when I get there. I donít go out except with him. And that has been wonderful. We go out more now together than when we were kids. Key here is we are having fun
Your words in bold above tell me that you and your husband are recovering; am I right?


Gina, are you now strong enough that you will no longer lower yourself because someone flatters you? That kind of flattery that your OM used on you is the cheapest and an easy way to use a weak woman for selfish purposes. I am surprised as how often it works. This has been a known fact for over 2000 years but it stills works often.


Proverbs 26:28
28 Flattery is a form of hatred and wounds cruelly.
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Old 8th January 2018, 6:55 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Gina70 View Post
...I didnít see this guy everyday. In the two years this went on he showed up twice.
How could you have had sex with him so many times if you only saw him twice?
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Old 9th January 2018, 11:47 PM   #25
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Hi drifter, I guess her PA was limited to just those two visits. Seems like it was mostly an EA. Just a thought. Warm wishes.
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Old 11th January 2018, 9:53 AM   #26
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Twice

I met him the first time he came here twice. First time was in his car which didnít last long... ED issues and the police drove by. And them again in his hotel room... that didnít last long also. The third time we met was months later when he came the second time... I was planing on ending it that time. Face to face and I thought I was brave enough to do it. But when I got there he was drunk and I was scared. I told him no but he just grabbed me and did it anyway. Took 20 minutes for the pain to go away. I drove home calling myself all kinds of names. But I didnít stop. The texting lasted eight more months. I guess I was a coward.

What I didnít tell you was the second ďflingĒ I had. It was a friend of my affair partner. He showed up for a week and did the same thing. How pretty I was. I ended up in his hotel room at midnight. But this time I felt scared. And he kissed me and I said no. No I canít do this. And I left feeling ashamed and stupid for going there but yet happy I had turned him down. I drove home scared. Ashamed and proud of myself for finally saying no. I wish I could have done that with the other guy. Later I found out my AP had shared my pictures with him and told him I was a slut. So I guess he showed up thinking he would get laid easy. That made me feel so cheap and horrible. But then again I was wasnít I? Afterward I guess he was angry for not getting sex so he called me a slut and a whore. Kinda crappy of me but I got angry and sent the whole weeks worth of his text messages (begging for sex) to his wife. I know it was an awfull thing to do but I was angry.
Itís been three years since d-day. My H and I still have problems but our marrage is better. I am still in MC and also in therapy for my issues with my childhood sexual abuse. I have a long way to go.

I blamed my husband for my affair. Yup. And that was wrong. It took me a long time to take responsibility for what I did. It wasnít his fault. It was my choice. He had hangups over the other man. I guess most men do. But In reality the man was a nobody. Somebody who flattered the ego of an insecure woman. He was nothing compared to my H. Not even close. But I guess men have a hard time believing that. Men think about the sex more than anything. Well it sucked. I didnít want to do it but it happened. I wish to god it had never happened. Thatís the truth. But MC and therapy have helped me see I am pretty and I donít have to fall for menís BS to feel beautiful. I was screwed up most of my life. But I had everything I ever wanted at home except for communication and we are fixing that problem. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Getting caught is bad. But watching the heart break happen right before your eyes is the most horrible day of my life. Cheaters are selfish and I can tell you consequences never enter your mind when your starting an affair. Thatís how screwed up your head gets. My H and my kids. I never thought about what this would do to them. I guess itís a form of fog. But afterwards when it hits home......you destroy the ones you love. And I have been begging my H and god everyday since. Donít have an affair. It solves nothing. If I had sought help when I needed it this would not have happened and I wish it had never happened. But it did. An I admit I let this man turn me into a cheat slut for what? Kudos? How stupid was I? I almost lost decades of my life with a man who loves me and put up with my problems for kudos and bad sex.... I am the prime example of stupid. I thank god my husband gave me a second chance. I didnít deserve it. But I thank god he gave me a good Christian man. A man who can forgive a whore. And thatís what I was. I traded sex for kudos. I wonít ever let myself be that woman ever again.

And one day I will have the strength to face some of my abusers from my childhood. Not all of them but at least my family members. I want to face them and tell them how they hurt me and screwed up my life. In a way I have forgiven them but I just want to face them and say it to their faces. I want them to know the hundreds of rapes I endured where horrible. I never had a childhood. They took that away from me. And Iíve lived with the memories for 40 years. So I am and have been a screw up. But one day I will be healed. And I hope I say I have a marrage that is healed. Itís getting there and Iím happy. Oh my I have rambled to long. Thatís embarrassing and I have to get my kids to school. Please forgive my rants.
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Old 11th January 2018, 10:20 AM   #27
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Kudos to you...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gina70 View Post
I blamed my husband for my affair. Yup.

But I had everything I ever wanted at home except for communication and we are fixing that problem. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Getting caught is bad. But watching the heart break happen right before your eyes is the most horrible day of my life.
Kudos for getting here. The fact that you have gotten to the place that you can admit this is really big.

I hope your husband understands this part even as much as he is hurting. Some WW actually never get to this part, and they usually get divorced.

Mine did not get here for anything, and so we are divorced. (Thank God)

You stand a chance if you continue to get help with your issues, and keep this attitude from now on. In time you will, if not already, you will actually start to feel TRUE REMORSE for what you have done.

That will be the point that you can actually feel the pain that your husband has over your affair. It won't feel as bad as he actually does, and did. But getting close to that is one of the most important things that you can do to help him heal.

It seems that you are doing well, I hope that your husband is do well also.

I am sorry for your abuse. It is a horrific thing to have to go through. At least on your internet it seems like you are starting to feel all of your daemons.

Keep working, help your husband heal, and I am guessing that you will be alright.

Kudos...
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Old 11th January 2018, 10:25 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by GoldenR View Post
To answer your original question, did anyone else have a bad affair....are there really any good ones?
So even though you and your husband are in MC to get over your affair you are still wanting to talk about your affair on a forum. Are you not over the OM?
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Old 11th January 2018, 6:48 PM   #29
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I think OP is relating to the fact that the road to recovery and redemption is a long and arduous one. I do think you are doing the heavy lifting for recovery and that everyday will be a struggle. But I want to stress the point as we guys can get very vapid with our outrage and disgust. But you are not a stupid woman. Just emotionally fragile and makes stupid decisions. And you are not the whore of all time. You just had really bad sex with bad people. And I really truly hope for you and your husband....I really want the best for you as couple. Thank you for being honest and make sure everyday that you look in the mirror and ask yourself. If you are being 100% honest with your husband everyday. And how can you be the wife he deserves and the partner he expects. Best of luck.
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Old 12th January 2018, 3:34 AM   #30
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Hi Gina, this last post of yours is one of the most brutally honest ones I have seen posted on here. I think folks have to give you credit for having survived all that abuse in childhood and lived to tell the tale. I think also, that childhood abuse can distort one's personality horribly, so that one's actions as an adult are not really those of the person one is, at one's core. In any case, this is something that had to happen to bring to the fore, all the pent up hurt and emotional turmoil that was roiling deep within your subconscious mind. It has in a way been cathartic although it hurt your husband so deeply. I only hope that you are truly able to help your husband heal from this terrible event and that you too, are able to truly heal the raw hurt which has been festering within you for so long.

Keep up with MC and also IC till you truly feel that you have reached a level of recovery where you can genuinely be yourself and not a caricature of your true self. You will always carry the scars of your abuse and your infidelity but they should only act as reminders of the dangers of where you were and not define who you are any more. Warm wishes.
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