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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 9th November 2017, 6:10 PM   #31
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The trouble with an affair and its aftermath for the BS is that the participants are not idiots, intellectually challenged, mentally deranged or young, naive children, they are fully fledged adults, with normal/high intelligence, who know exactly what they did/are doing.

The WS once caught can easily then figure out sneakier ways to further deceive or they will collude with the OW/OM to lie and misdirect, and thus they can continue with the affair, or in some cases start a new one.

If you read the OW forum you will find that after splits, D-days, multiple D-days, chaos, hurt, heartache, anger, frustration, desperation, devastation... they can hang on in there.
Even those who felt they were used and abused by their MM and those who vow NEVER to go back and have carved out a new life, can end up being swayed by a bit of "love" and future faking and they are then totally on board again.
Even after long periods of NC, many OWs are still there "waiting" and as soon as the MM reaches out again, she may be putty in his hands...
An affair appears to be a very oowerful drug.

IF he has something she wants, sometimes she will put up with almost anything to stay in the game...
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Old 9th November 2017, 7:34 PM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
The trouble with an affair and its aftermath for the BS is that the participants are not idiots, intellectually challenged, mentally deranged or young, naive children, they are fully fledged adults, with normal/high intelligence, who know exactly what they did/are doing.

The WS once caught can easily then figure out sneakier ways to further deceive or they will collude with the OW/OM to lie and misdirect, and thus they can continue with the affair, or in some cases start a new one.

If you read the OW forum you will find that after splits, D-days, multiple D-days, chaos, hurt, heartache, anger, frustration, desperation, devastation... they can hang on in there.
Even those who felt they were used and abused by their MM and those who vow NEVER to go back and have carved out a new life, can end up being swayed by a bit of "love" and future faking and they are then totally on board again.
Even after long periods of NC, many OWs are still there "waiting" and as soon as the MM reaches out again, she may be putty in his hands...
An affair appears to be a very oowerful drug.

IF he has something she wants, sometimes she will put up with almost anything to stay in the game...
I beg to differ with the bolded portion. That is the very crux of the dilemma.

OP, you seem to be more clear every day. I wish you very well.
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Old 10th November 2017, 6:39 AM   #33
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I beg to differ with the bolded portion. That is the very crux of the dilemma.

OP, you seem to be more clear every day. I wish you very well.
I am, I have decided to contact the other involved part and find out her version of things. I simply donít want to bring my doubts with me to the new year.
Life is complicated enough trying to get over infidelity, I donít want to have this thoughts recurring every once in a while and making me wonder for years. I want to be the person I used to be. With or without him.
Messages have been prepared already, I keep crafting them waiting for the right moment to send them. By right moment I mean when I have a tiny bit less responsibilities at work and know I will not have to be alone with my child. If he lied again I will need my energy for myself and I donít want to **** up things at work or neglect my child.thank you.
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Old 10th November 2017, 9:42 AM   #34
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I am, I have decided to contact the other involved part and find out her version of things. I simply donít want to bring my doubts with me to the new year.
Life is complicated enough trying to get over infidelity, I donít want to have this thoughts recurring every once in a while and making me wonder for years. I want to be the person I used to be. With or without him.
Messages have been prepared already, I keep crafting them waiting for the right moment to send them. By right moment I mean when I have a tiny bit less responsibilities at work and know I will not have to be alone with my child. If he lied again I will need my energy for myself and I donít want to **** up things at work or neglect my child.thank you.
It is very rare when an AP does not lie to the BS. Ninety nine
point nine percent of the time the AP will lie.

Why do you think in your case that your WS's, AP will be in the point zero one percent and tell you the truth?

I caution you to not talk to the AP.

You want truth get your WS to take a polygraph test instead.
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Old 10th November 2017, 3:04 PM   #35
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Theyíre not easy to find here in Spain

And they may turn out wrong too. Thatís what I know.
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It is very rare when an AP does not lie to the BS. Ninety nine
point nine percent of the time the AP will lie.

Why do you think in your case that your WS's, AP will be in the point zero one percent and tell you the truth?

I caution you to not talk to the AP.

You want truth get your WS to take a polygraph test instead.
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:09 AM   #36
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Update on the situation

This is going to be difficult to explain, it difficult to understand for me too but anyway I am digressing. I wrote to the two women my husband was involved with. The one who he said he was only chatting/sexting with replied that she didnít want to give me any information because what happens between her and another person is only her business and because any answer she will give will not change anything. It needs to be my choice to believe him and forgive him. Also was really funny how she is pissed at me for reading the texts and violating her privacy. Anyway no luck, I had a couple of hours of complete confusion then I realized that If someone didnít have a problem disrespecting me in the first place would not have a problem creating more conflict in our relationship, instead of taking the opportunity to redeem herself she had to make it about how unfair it is that most of our common friends think that sheís a bad person now and that she doesnít feel free to get in our city and get close to our area ( she lives 7 hours away by car)

The other one, which was the ex that was still fwb for a couple of months ( he said that they met twice but keep sexting) when we met never replied to me to confirm or contradict his version of things. I feel so defeated and I have no idea what to turn to in order to know what the **** really happened here. He looks honest but maybe is only my desire to believe I didnít get married to a complete stranger/son of a bitch. Any suggestions?
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:48 AM   #37
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This is going to be difficult to explain, it difficult to understand for me too but anyway I am digressing. I wrote to the two women my husband was involved with. The one who he said he was only chatting/sexting with replied that she didn’t want to give me any information because what happens between her and another person is only her business and because any answer she will give will not change anything. It needs to be my choice to believe him and forgive him. Also was really funny how she is pissed at me for reading the texts and violating her privacy. Anyway no luck, I had a couple of hours of complete confusion then I realized that If someone didn’t have a problem disrespecting me in the first place would not have a problem creating more conflict in our relationship, instead of taking the opportunity to redeem herself she had to make it about how unfair it is that most of our common friends think that she’s a bad person now and that she doesn’t feel free to get in our city and get close to our area ( she lives 7 hours away by car)

The other one, which was the ex that was still fwb for a couple of months ( he said that they met twice but keep sexting) when we met never replied to me to confirm or contradict his version of things. I feel so defeated and I have no idea what to turn to in order to know what the **** really happened here. He looks honest but maybe is only my desire to believe I didn’t get married to a complete stranger/son of a bitch. Any suggestions?
Ummmm, did I just think it? Dream it maybe? Or didn't several of us try to tell her this would very likely happen? Anyway, I and others have tried to explain this to several OPs in the last couple of months and feel sure enough that I'm not going to check that we said this here: The OW/M is not now or ever could be YOUR friend. S/he was never on your side and has no reason to be except maybe to get back at your WS. Not fussing at you, just saying, well, what else is there but - told you so.

But I am sorry. It truly sucks. I know because I did it, too. Had every reason to think this person, my sister-in-law after all, would be a LITTLE open and truthful for my brother's sake? My mother's? Our history? But nope. Protecting my husband was her No. 1 priority and the rest of us could go to hell. Shudder! I'd have to spend eternity with her.
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:59 AM   #38
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Am I surprised?
Um...no.

The only loyalty the AP will have is to herself and the WS.
As I said previously you are the enemy, the competition, why would she help you?
Why would she put herself on the line for you?
You are nothing to her and in the case of the ex, she may blame you for splitting them up, the reason they are not living happily ever after...

As I also said before, pack your child up and go home to the UK, this is seriously messed up.
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Old 15th November 2017, 1:12 PM   #39
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Correction: For myself at least, the warning should have been stronger. All I said was - well, one BS here was able to get the OW to talk - which creates hope where there was never really any.

Sorry you had to go through that, but now you know.
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Old 15th November 2017, 1:39 PM   #40
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YES I Had to at least try

Nothing changed in the end, I only have the confirmation sheís a bad person. I believe that in both cases the two women felt used as he never upgraded one from the role of disposable entertainment to girlfriend and the other one, the ex, was hoping to keep him through sex but he left the country with me instead and we had a child. This still sucks, even if in their eyes I was the one chosen as the official partner. But I get your point and you were all right. I thought to use some dirty trick like saying that I had screenshots of the conversations and porny pictures but I decided not to, really confiding once again that people can make mistakes but would do better given another chance. I was very wrong indeed. By the way my family is not in the uk. My family is in a small town in Italy and I could never have a job there. So moving somewhere because I could have a support group is unfortunately out of the question. My support group is my husband iím Afraid and myself of course. Thanks for your words.
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Old 15th November 2017, 2:49 PM   #41
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I know you feel the need to know, but at this point without a polygraph you can't ever be sure, you know cheaters can lie to protect themselves.
If you can try to just look at the positives and see if your husband is transparent, thinks the right way and shows you he is remorseful and a safe husband and go from there.
My therapist said to me once can you trust "until" if nothing happens again and time passes and nothing shows you he has gone off the rails, you can give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe not trust 100% I think that is a mistake anyway.
We as BS's may never get the truth, and I too drove myself crazy wondering, then I realized I can't control him all I can do is be a person I can respect and if he crosses the line again, we would be over, you get one chance.
Making sense of the thinking the why's the type of people others chose to be is a waste of your own life.....it makes no sense to people who just wouldn't have an affair.
From now on you have your best interests at heart at all times. You are the only one you can really depend on and trust.
This is our reality check as well, life wasn't how we thought it was.
I thought to myself that a betrayal could happen with someone else too. there are no guarantees in life.
It changes us, when we had no choice in any of it. Get back to the best you, you can be. Trust "Until" you have seen you can.
good luck
I'm sorry your feeling down, but don't let someone else's choices do this to you. They win that way.
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Old 19th November 2017, 11:30 PM   #42
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I am a wayward spouse so apologies in advance if I am not welcome here. But I wanted to share my perspective as I think it could be helpful. In my case, once my husband found out about the affair, I was terrified of losing him and terrified of facing the consequences of my actions. So I tried to minimize and cover up everything possible, even though he was begging me to just tell him everything. I think that is an extremely common reaction and I'm sure it's what your husband is doing too. I'm sure there is a lot about his affair that you don't know - I'm sorry.

In my case, I only realized that I could fully be honest when I felt like THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. He had said he wanted to split up and was going to file for divorce, but was still treating me very graciously. Only then did I realize that I had hit rock bottom and that I couldn't talk my way out of anything anymore. And despite how it may sound, I still loved him deeply and was broken-hearted at having hurt him and I wanted to do what I could to make it better. So I told him everything, and it was a relief for both of us. But it took getting shaken out of my "cover your ass, protect your marriage from consequences at all costs" mentality by knowing all was lost already.

I would file for divorce. It takes several months to go through anyway, and you could always withdraw it or put it on hold if he begins to be honest with you. That was the only thing that made me be honest - knowing I had nothing more to lose. Good luck xox
Thank you for your perspective, and it is useful to hear this from "the other side". I hope you won't be offended but I think this needs to be said. This kind of attitude basically says that you are selfish, and the relationship is not a two way street. You didn't end up eventually telling your husband because you care about him and the fact that he really wanted the truth. You eventually told him because it reached the point where it served your interests to do so. It's not really "honesty" when you only do it because you feel you have no choice.

I think that for a relationship to be worth salvaging after cheating, there has to at a minimum be mutual respect and consideration for one another's feelings, going forward.
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Old 20th November 2017, 3:08 AM   #43
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So I looked back at your other threads and started wondering some things about your husband.

So you're from the UK but living in Spain, married two years with a 1-year-old. Your parents are living in Italy (as ex-pats, I assume?). Is your husband a Spaniard? Are you living in an urban setting? I know lifestyle, values, attitudes are more conservative outside madrid or barcelona and there can be a double standard for men and women.

Do you feel like there are any cultural attitudes and practices that make this harder for you? For example, the fact that lie detector tests are hard to find in Spain. Why is that? And what about the language factor? For example, the therapist. Are you doing counseling in a second language? Do you feel like you're getting as much out of it? Do you feel isolated? Have you made friends? I would think that being a foreign spouse that's been cheated on exacerbates the feelings of isolation in general.

Just my thoughts...
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:01 AM   #44
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No I am Italian but iíve Lived in the uk for a few years and things were pretty good there for my career. Thatís where ií E met my husband.
We moved here because he wanted to be closer to part of his family and his sorry, toxic messed up friends. Theyíre nice people but theyíre completely **** up and doing nothing with their lives.

Yes I feel very isolated, my Spanish is not good and I work in an international company in a big city. The cultural shock was big when we moved here. Iíve suffered from having to face a lot of the issues I had to live Italy for and I wouldnít go back there. Finding a good consuelor that speaks good English is not easy at all unfortunately and thatís not helping. I have tried one but the lady was 1) not understanding everything I said and/or not really listening and suggested I swipe everything under the carpet and really forgive and forget to give a chance to this marriage which can make sense for some but for my personality, being a very rational person, doesnít really work. Yes I feel very very much isolated and like my only support system are his friends not mine. They support him and even if they love me and I can see that itís not the same as having your family or your own friends. This said my only other option would be to go back to the uk or any other European country where I can get paid well enough to support myself and my own child and manage to have a life that is not so miserable ( meaning also being able to pay for a nanny every ocr in a while to have some adult life). Not an easy choice. This would also mean leaving my husband at his own devices as heís just started a business and canít even support himself financially at the moment, and of course I will otherwise divorce him to support myself the child and him separately. I canít afford it with the salary I have here and I donít even want to have to support the man who ****ed up his own family and marriage. Doesnít sound fair. I feel also bad doing as heís still the father of my child and I donít want him to live on a friends coach or on the street. Call me stupid but I still want to act like a human.

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Originally Posted by merrmeade View Post
So I looked back at your other threads and started wondering some things about your husband.

So you're from the UK but living in Spain, married two years with a 1-year-old. Your parents are living in Italy (as ex-pats, I assume?). Is your husband a Spaniard? Are you living in an urban setting? I know lifestyle, values, attitudes are more conservative outside madrid or barcelona and there can be a double standard for men and women.

Do you feel like there are any cultural attitudes and practices that make this harder for you? For example, the fact that lie detector tests are hard to find in Spain. Why is that? And what about the language factor? For example, the therapist. Are you doing counseling in a second language? Do you feel like you're getting as much out of it? Do you feel isolated? Have you made friends? I would think that being a foreign spouse that's been cheated on exacerbates the feelings of isolation in general.

Just my thoughts...
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