LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

Need to know all the truth


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree28Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11th October 2017, 11:17 AM   #1
Mun
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
Need to know all the truth

Hi, I posted here before but this time I would like to hear from Betrayed Spouses. How important you think it is, in order to heal, to know all the truth? Would you go as far as reaching out as your spouse/partner's affair partner to know that? Do you feel like the need to know details like exactly how long the affair lasted for is useful? I really want to be able to forgive my WS but because his shame and fear of losing our family ( and quite possibly pride too) he's being very vague about details of his indisctretion/s. This is turning into obsession for me, even if what I want more is being able to forgive him. But I feel that in order to do that I need conplete honesty, even if it hurts. Could be that I have it already, could not be.so difficult to trust someone who lied on you before already. I'm open to your experiences and suggestions.
Mun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 11:25 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 200
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun View Post
Hi, I posted here before but this time I would like to hear from Betrayed Spouses. How important you think it is, in order to heal, to know all the truth? Would you go as far as reaching out as your spouse/partner's affair partner to know that? Do you feel like the need to know details like exactly how long the affair lasted for is useful? I really want to be able to forgive my WS but because his shame and fear of losing our family ( and quite possibly pride too) he's being very vague about details of his indisctretion/s. This is turning into obsession for me, even if what I want more is being able to forgive him. But I feel that in order to do that I need conplete honesty, even if it hurts. Could be that I have it already, could not be.so difficult to trust someone who lied on you before already. I'm open to your experiences and suggestions.
It was critically important for me bc I realized my spouse was someone I didn't realize she was and I needed to know what I was married to. I also needed to know in order to assess if I could live with going forward with her or not. What I have found is that I know the gist of the details and did R but now I kind of regret not launching her then. However, then my regret would have been not trying to see if things improved. They have improved but she will forever be tainted in my eyes and really unsure if I will ever feel the same about her- likely not. I do think she deserves the consequences of her actions. Basically right now I am using her for her insurance until I get a different job and then out of the blue she will get served. I am a bad person I know but I have a funny way of getting back when you least expect it.
40somethingGuy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 12:12 PM   #3
Mun
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
Thanks, you made me smile 😊

I love how you said " I needed to know WHAT I was married to.
Also, fair enough about the insurance. If you feel like you've been used for emotional or financial stability seems only fair to me you get your needs met too.
Mun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 12:29 PM   #4
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,245
I'm not a BS. I think you need to clarify what you mean ALL the details. All will probably hurt too much.


I think I'd need to know most of the details: when did it start; how did it start; when did it end; how often they saw each other & why my WS started it in the 1st place. I would not want to know how often they had sex or if the sex was better.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 12:30 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 545
I am a wayward spouse so apologies in advance if I am not welcome here. But I wanted to share my perspective as I think it could be helpful. In my case, once my husband found out about the affair, I was terrified of losing him and terrified of facing the consequences of my actions. So I tried to minimize and cover up everything possible, even though he was begging me to just tell him everything. I think that is an extremely common reaction and I'm sure it's what your husband is doing too. I'm sure there is a lot about his affair that you don't know - I'm sorry.

In my case, I only realized that I could fully be honest when I felt like THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. He had said he wanted to split up and was going to file for divorce, but was still treating me very graciously. Only then did I realize that I had hit rock bottom and that I couldn't talk my way out of anything anymore. And despite how it may sound, I still loved him deeply and was broken-hearted at having hurt him and I wanted to do what I could to make it better. So I told him everything, and it was a relief for both of us. But it took getting shaken out of my "cover your ass, protect your marriage from consequences at all costs" mentality by knowing all was lost already.

I would file for divorce. It takes several months to go through anyway, and you could always withdraw it or put it on hold if he begins to be honest with you. That was the only thing that made me be honest - knowing I had nothing more to lose. Good luck xox
Birdies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 12:59 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Deep South, USA
Posts: 684
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun View Post
Hi, I posted here before but this time I would like to hear from Betrayed Spouses. How important you think it is, in order to heal, to know all the truth? Would you go as far as reaching out as your spouse/partner's affair partner to know that? Do you feel like the need to know details like exactly how long the affair lasted for is useful? I really want to be able to forgive my WS but because his shame and fear of losing our family ( and quite possibly pride too) he's being very vague about details of his indisctretion/s. This is turning into obsession for me, even if what I want more is being able to forgive him. But I feel that in order to do that I need conplete honesty, even if it hurts. Could be that I have it already, could not be.so difficult to trust someone who lied on you before already. I'm open to your experiences and suggestions.
For me it is extremely important to know the details.

I wanted all of the details but I digested the details over a long period of time. Initially after her confession, I was just shocked. It took me some time just to accept that she had an affair. Once I was able to process the fact that she did have an affair, then I started asking more detailed questions. Looking back I can't believe it took me several months before I asked for details about the OM, such as his name.

I wanted details so I could gauge the level of betrayal and deception on her part.

Of course I got the "sex was not good", "we only had sex a few times", "he had small penis", etc comments. There's no way for me to confirm those statements so I assumed that they had the best sex ever, all the time, and he has a huge johnson; worst-case scenario from my perspective. I had to assume that everything she told me was minimized.

I needed to know the timeline
How it started, who started it
How it ended, who ended it
How did they define the relationship
What did she think/feel about him (and me)
Did they talk about me/marriage
Sex: where, how many times, etc. I didn't ask for explicit details on the sex aspect
I also asked a LOT of questions about her state of mind, what was she thinking, thought process during the affair

I did email the OM and asked if he would confirm some of the things that my WW said about the affair. He never responded to my request. I really wanted to confirm the timeline. Since he didn't respond I was able to confirm the timeline by calling the HR department of where they worked together (at that time). His start and end date matched her story. Plus her change in behavior aligns with the timeline that she gave me.

I would think it would difficult to forgive a WS only to learn later on that there was more to it than originally believed.
Betrayed&Stayed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 1:06 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 200
Quote:
Originally Posted by Betrayed&Stayed View Post
For me it is extremely important to know the details.

I wanted all of the details but I digested the details over a long period of time. Initially after her confession, I was just shocked. It took me some time just to accept that she had an affair. Once I was able to process the fact that she did have an affair, then I started asking more detailed questions. Looking back I can't believe it took me several months before I asked for details about the OM, such as his name.

I wanted details so I could gauge the level of betrayal and deception on her part.

Of course I got the "sex was not good", "we only had sex a few times", "he had small penis", etc comments. There's no way for me to confirm those statements so I assumed that they had the best sex ever, all the time, and he has a huge johnson; worst-case scenario from my perspective. I had to assume that everything she told me was minimized.

I needed to know the timeline
How it started, who started it
How it ended, who ended it
How did they define the relationship
What did she think/feel about him (and me)
Did they talk about me/marriage
Sex: where, how many times, etc. I didn't ask for explicit details on the sex aspect
I also asked a LOT of questions about her state of mind, what was she thinking, thought process during the affair

I did email the OM and asked if he would confirm some of the things that my WW said about the affair. He never responded to my request. I really wanted to confirm the timeline. Since he didn't respond I was able to confirm the timeline by calling the HR department of where they worked together (at that time). His start and end date matched her story. Plus her change in behavior aligns with the timeline that she gave me.

I would think it would difficult to forgive a WS only to learn later on that there was more to it than originally believed.
One thing I made sure the OM understood was that if he didn't also spill details (some of which were known and some unknown to me) that I would be going to his wife. He had a lot of remorse and did talk to me about lots of stuff and I kept the documentation. If the OM isn't going to talk then you have to ruin him. It is war and think no different.
40somethingGuy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 1:52 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
I needed to know what I was forgiving. I needed to know everything. I didn't need to know the graphic details, but I needed to know if I asked, that I was given the truth.

It is impossible to move on when you still feel the WS is lying. I know they all minimize and try to not say the really harmful and hurtful parts, but I needed him to care about what I wanted more than protecting anything else.
Starswillshine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 2:03 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Mr Blunt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 410
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun [IMG]file:///C:\Users\07312014\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\ 01\clip_image002.jpg[/IMG]
Hi, I posted here before but this time I would like to hear from Betrayed Spouses. How important you think it is, in order to heal, to know all the truth? Would you go as far as reaching out as your spouse/partner's affair partner to know that? Do you feel like the need to know details like exactly how long the affair lasted for is useful? I really want to be able to forgive my WS but because his shame and fear of losing our family ( and quite possibly pride too) he's being very vague about details of his indisctretion/s. This is turning into obsession for me, even if what I want more is being able to forgive him. But I feel that in order to do that I need conplete honesty, even if it hurts. Could be that I have it already, could not be.so difficult to trust someone who lied on you before already. I'm open to your experiences and suggestions.
You know that your spouse betrayed you right? Knowing how long the affair was going on and knowing that she had a PA and an EA with him was enough for me and I took action and divorced her. I did not ask for all the other sexy details as I WANTED TO PROTECT ME!......I did not contact the AP because he did not betray me my wife betrayed me… I am not about to fight every man that will have sex with my wife because I always knew that there was thousands of men that would. I told my wife years ago that I depended on her to remain faithful and not other men. She failed. I knew what I had to forgive and did not need additional nightmare details.


Now what happened was that my wife was allowed back in the home for various reasons and I told her that words are not enough and that actions for a long time will have to be demonstrated. After her proving with actions for over 4 years I remarried her…I do not want any gory sexy details if there were any or any details at all. I want to protect my emotions and I had to look out for me as it was obvious I could not depend on her for that. I used ACTIONS by her to determine my decisions.


From what I have read on marriage forums, the sexy details give the BS nightmares for decades!!!

Last edited by Mr Blunt; 11th October 2017 at 2:05 PM..
Mr Blunt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 2:30 PM   #10
Mun
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Blunt View Post
You know that your spouse betrayed you right? Knowing how long the affair was going on and knowing that she had a PA and an EA with him was enough for me and I took action and divorced her. I did not ask for all the other sexy details as I WANTED TO PROTECT ME!......I did not contact the AP because he did not betray me my wife betrayed me I am not about to fight every man that will have sex with my wife because I always knew that there was thousands of men that would. I told my wife years ago that I depended on her to remain faithful and not other men. She failed. I knew what I had to forgive and did not need additional nightmare details.


Now what happened was that my wife was allowed back in the home for various reasons and I told her that words are not enough and that actions for a long time will have to be demonstrated. After her proving with actions for over 4 years I remarried herI do not want any gory sexy details if there were any or any details at all. I want to protect my emotions and I had to look out for me as it was obvious I could not depend on her for that. I used ACTIONS by her to determine my decisions.


From what I have read on marriage forums, the sexy details give the BS nightmares for decades!!!
Hi, I am not looking to know graphic details, I know even too much about that unfortunately as I found out myself from texts. It wasn't an emotional affair, was only lust. An ex girlfriend who stayed fwb for years got back into our life after he asked me to get married, which was very early in our relationship to be fair. I kind of know when it started I think but I don't know when it ended. He says was only a couple of times (funnily enough I found two texts that explicitly say they were going to meet ) but things ended when we moved in together, less than a month after that. As I found texting going on for months after I don't know if I can believe him. They don't talk about meeting but the content is sexual. Different than the others tho. I could write the other woman to ask but I am not sure if I can forgive in case he's lying again, so I am taking time. And yes, the details, like the content of these texts are killing me. It's been two months now but they are scarred in my memory.
Mun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 4:38 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 77
I wanted to know everything, and she told me nothing, so I had to gather as much information as I could on my own. What I came to realize is that my wife is not the same person anymore. She's not who I married. If I didn't get all this info on my own, she would have been able to manipulate me into a reconciliation by telling me what I wanted to hear instead if the truth, and that is no way to live.
FloatingThroughLife is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 7:33 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5,922
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun View Post
Hi, I posted here before but this time I would like to hear from Betrayed Spouses. How important you think it is, in order to heal, to know all the truth? Would you go as far as reaching out as your spouse/partner's affair partner to know that? Do you feel like the need to know details like exactly how long the affair lasted for is useful? I really want to be able to forgive my WS but because his shame and fear of losing our family ( and quite possibly pride too) he's being very vague about details of his indisctretion/s. This is turning into obsession for me, even if what I want more is being able to forgive him. But I feel that in order to do that I need conplete honesty, even if it hurts. Could be that I have it already, could not be.so difficult to trust someone who lied on you before already. I'm open to your experiences and suggestions.
Every BS has their own level of need for the details about
their WS's affair.

When a BS asks did they have sex and the WS says yes.
He is not lying. HE is not trickle truthing. He fully answered
the BS's question

The BS did not ask how many times they had sex or how
good was the sex.

Direct answers allows the BS to control what facts about
the affair are learned. The WS when asked did you have sex
and says no we just kissed. Then at a later date admits to
just oral. The truth keeps on trickling in. This is the difference.
This way is not being honest.

So muun, I will warn you that once a BS hears a fact it can
never be unheard. So before a BS asks a question they must
say will I regret hearing the answer.

I have seen too many relationships stall in the recovery
stage and they spend the rest of their lives in a marriage
that limps along because the BS never got the answers to
their questions.
road is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 9:20 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 119
My first marriage ended with an affair.


For me, the details were unimportant. I did not reconcile though. My take was that once I found out and processed it reconciliation would never happen. There are so many other people out there that can make someone happy, why mess with a broken partnership.

I feel your pain and understand not everyone can just walk away. But if you are not willing to then you are probably going to have to deal with this again.

Good luck. I hope you find peace.
Mr Blunt likes this.
viatori patuit is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th October 2017, 5:51 AM   #14
Established Member
 
dichotomy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA central
Posts: 4,364
Occasionally there are stories of a WS (usually WW) providing ALL details - but its rare.

I wanted to know everything - never did. Most WS wont share every detail. Even to this day I occasionally have fantasies of having some crystal ball where I can see or ask to know everything that happened. I say crystal ball because I believe even if I administered a drug to make my wife open up - I believe her "memories" or what she believes happened are tainted and not accurate. There are several years of my wife's life - a person she was - that I will never really know.
__________________
Now I see that I will never find the light unless like a candle, I am my own fuel
dichotomy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th October 2017, 7:58 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,586
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun View Post
Hi, I posted here before but this time I would like to hear from Betrayed Spouses. How important you think it is, in order to heal, to know all the truth? Would you go as far as reaching out as your spouse/partner's affair partner to know that? Do you feel like the need to know details like exactly how long the affair lasted for is useful? I really want to be able to forgive my WS but because his shame and fear of losing our family ( and quite possibly pride too) he's being very vague about details of his indisctretion/s. This is turning into obsession for me, even if what I want more is being able to forgive him. But I feel that in order to do that I need conplete honesty, even if it hurts. Could be that I have it already, could not be.so difficult to trust someone who lied on you before already. I'm open to your experiences and suggestions.
The truth is extremely important but the truth is only a variable that coincides with the frame of mind and self esteem in oneself. If there are children it only adds to the excruciating dilemma of weighing the cost of staying with or divorcing the WS.

In such circumstance it will appear there's no clear choice or clear solution. Whether married or divorced it sucks rocks either way.

Odds are letting go is the immediate course to intense pain but in the long run it paves the fastest course toward moving on. I believe the uncertain future is as frightening as the known hell in the present.

I look at the truth in a pragmatic way, is the first cut sufficient truth, does the 3rd, 4th, or 5th cut truly make a difference.

I'd rather invest in an uncertain future than present hell and that is what I did do in my circumstance. It was surreal but I handed my cheater his suitcase and wished him well. No drama, no questions, simply an adios.

What only matters is the truth in your heart, the limit of what you will endure and the steadfast strength it takes to not accept the cheap value a cheater places on you.

The irony is that many cheaters are turned off and disgusted by their betrayed spouse who is too willing to forgive. In a way it proves to the cheater they are the higher value spouse.
Mun likes this.

Last edited by Furious; 12th October 2017 at 8:38 PM..
Furious is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I need the truth and the harsh truth... velozdelnorte Breaks and Breaking Up 8 29th October 2013 3:50 PM
Don't believe it's the truth, but it might be... raykinsella Infidelity 128 6th December 2012 10:26 PM
The truth Heartbroken-idiot Breaks and Breaking Up 13 26th September 2009 6:12 PM
Tony : the truth can very cruel, and none of us can telling the truth!! Kevin Archive 0 11th December 2001 7:20 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:38 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.