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Does the anger ever go away?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 2nd October 2017, 4:55 PM   #16
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Your anger is a natural reaction to being betrayed over and over again. Anger is often the first strong emotion a man feels, but the pain & shame of it all will hit you sometime down the road.

What you are doing right now is the fastest way to get through all of this and begin to heal. Have zero contact with her & you will begin to detach much quicker than you think. The key is NO contact. File for divorce ASAP and push forward with your life. You will think about her less and less as time goes by, and over time the fact that you did not tolerate living with a cheater will help you past the pain of betrayal. Move forward & don't give her a backwards glance.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 6:22 PM   #17
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The anger is natural and it does go away, if you allow it to. Anger is a funny thing... You don’t invite it generally, but there does seem to be a point where you either passively allow it to overstay its welcome or decide to start letting it go and replacing the void it filled with something else.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:41 PM   #18
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Anger does go away after a good amount of time and NO CONTACT. If you are in contact with the cheater, then expect your healing to take longer.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 11:23 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Browneyedboy View Post
... but I still can't stand to look at her or be around her, all I see is the betrayal. ..
It is understandable that you are angry, you've been hurt repeatedly.

If you cannt avoid her, then, just stop looking or even minding her. It is a difficult situation to love, be betrayed REPEATEDLY, and still cannot avoid that person who hurt you.

Maybe, in a few weeks more, or months, you'll get over her, someone comes along and you'll learn to trust again.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 5:13 AM   #20
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After my first marriage ended the anguish and pain and anger - (all feelings) probably ended about 1 year after I last saw her. Thank God we had no children.

If your remain married (decide to stay) or have part time contact (shared custody with kids) - it could take years and years for it to go away.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 9:29 AM   #21
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free yourself.

File for D, and move on.

She sounds like she has been in many rodeos.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:04 PM   #22
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My story is similar to yours OP. My WS had a three year affair that I caught in the first 3 months and then kept catching them thereafter. I think my anger ate me alive. I don't have warm fuzzy feelings for my WS. I love him as a friend, as the father of our kids, but I will never get past his betrayal. We are in R I guess you can call it that. I don't allow myself to open up too far in fear of getting hurt again. I think I will always have this barrier of safety and I know I would bring this into my next relationship. After 3 major failed relationships including my M I have no interest in 'being in love' or 'falling in love'.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:07 PM   #23
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So, long story short my wife had an affair for roughly 2 years (on and off). I caught her, she told me It was over then I caught her again and again. Now we are separated and have been for a few months, but I still can't stand to look at her or be around her, all I see is the betrayal. Part of me wants to get past all of this but another part is still clinging on to my anger, like if I let it go then I am somehow giving her a pass for what has happened. It may sound petty but it is so much easier to be angry and mad than to let the hurt back in, because that is crippling. I don't really know why I'm writing on here, but I guess I'm looking for some advice, on how to cope with this anger and betrayal. I'm just not sure I'm actually ready to let go of my anger, not really sure I've gotten it out of my system.
I am a year and half out from the affair where my wife was trying to get with an ex FWB from 18 years ago when it was by chance discovered we are somewhat neighbors. What I saw in text messages shocked me to the core. I always loved being married and raising our kids together in our home. I wasn't ready to let that go so I decided to give this time. She has been NC with him once I squashed things but I just can't feel the same towards her and probably never will. My plan is to get a different job with better health benefits as I am on her amaze plan now and get acclimated in my new job. Then out of the blue-hopefully early next year- I will file and walk on her. My main issue now is I regret not telling her to pound sand then and my worry then was regretting not trying to work it out. I deserve to have a lover that infidelity doesn't hang over. My wife is tainted forever in my eyes and I lost some self respect for her basically surviving her disgusting deeds. The only thing that sucks is I have to deal with her until kids are adults and she gets to take my money for being a betrayer.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 8:13 PM   #24
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I am a year and half out from the affair where my wife was trying to get with an ex FWB from 18 years ago when it was by chance discovered we are somewhat neighbors. What I saw in text messages shocked me to the core. I always loved being married and raising our kids together in our home. I wasn't ready to let that go so I decided to give this time. She has been NC with him once I squashed things but I just can't feel the same towards her and probably never will. My plan is to get a different job with better health benefits as I am on her amaze plan now and get acclimated in my new job. Then out of the blue-hopefully early next year- I will file and walk on her. My main issue now is I regret not telling her to pound sand then and my worry then was regretting not trying to work it out. I deserve to have a lover that infidelity doesn't hang over. My wife is tainted forever in my eyes and I lost some self respect for her basically surviving her disgusting deeds. The only thing that sucks is I have to deal with her until kids are adults and she gets to take my money for being a betrayer.
I like it and hate it when someone so perfectly nails this aspect of R.

I think the final word comes down to the WS. I see the imperfections in my flawed but utterly committed WH and still bristle at the dishonor he did to me. But I also see that he just keeps trying. He never gives up. He does react sometimes when the subject comes up unexpectedly, but he regrets it later and never holds it against me that I am still dealing with it. I feel compassion and appreciation for the strides he has made.

But we are each who we are and must live with our individual situations. Betrayal and affairs are predictable, boring and alike to me now—one predictable pattern. But reconciliation is still a frontier with lots of uncharted, wild, scary places that we have little help with. And it seems different for each couple, each partner. Sorry, I digress...
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Old 4th October 2017, 2:18 AM   #25
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Error: I misread 40somethingGuy. He's planning an escape. I totally get it and it's good for OP to pay attention. Whether it's like my situation or someone else's, the point is that it's really hard and profoundly unfair to suffer any bullsh-t whatsoever—any objections, reactions or resistance—from the WS. Can't blame anyone for deciding it's not worth it.
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Old 4th October 2017, 8:38 AM   #26
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Staying separate is probably best for both of you. She wouldn't have cheated if she was feeling loved and adored by you. She wants more than you can give her. Let her go so she is free to find a better man. A woman does not cheat if her husband is giving her the time, attention, and affection she needs, and is providing financially for her better than any other man can.

let's blame the guy for his wife's actions...after all, married people only cheat when they are pushed into it

op,
your wife's actions are not your fault. they are 100 percent on her.

I can understand wanting the anger to go away, but it may be a better idea to face it and work your way through it. It's normal to be angry when someone you trust hurts you, for no other reason that they were being selfish.

Trust can be really hard to rebuild, and if you think that is not something you will be able to do, you may wish to really examine your situation. Do you feel your wife is capable of doing the heavy lifting?
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:23 AM   #27
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When I get so angry steam is coming out of my ears. it helps to see myself as separated. We are not prisoners and can leave anytime we wish. Of course, it helps to have a solid exit plan. Sometimes I just need to detach.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:42 AM   #28
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In my view, your anger might be a good defense mechanism. I might suggest using that anger - to help motivate yourself to keep your distance from such a person. Use it to steel your decision-making not to reengage with a person that brought you harm.
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Old 4th October 2017, 12:10 PM   #29
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Staying separate is probably best for both of you. She wouldn't have cheated if she was feeling loved and adored by you. She wants more than you can give her. Let her go so she is free to find a better man. A woman does not cheat if her husband is giving her the time, attention, and affection she needs, and is providing financially for her better than any other man can.
I was a WW. At the time of my A, I did place some of the blame of my A on my H. However, after d-day and a ton of work, I cheated because something was wrong with ME. Maybe our relationship wasn't ideal, but that did NOT give me any right to make the choices I did.

You have every right to be angry. I'm sure my H still occasionally gets angry about what I did, years later. What I did was completely destructive and never forgotten. However, after d-day I worked my butt off to help him, show him I was sorry, to rebuild trust. I did things like text whenever I got somewhere. Shared all passwords. Attended regular therapy. All ways for me to rebuild that wall of trust brick by brick. And while our trust now isn't the same as it was before, it is there again because we both worked hard to rebuild it.

Honestly, it doesn't seem like your wife is doing the things that need to be done to help you, address her issues, or repair the relationship. Like a PP said, reconciliation requires a lot of work from both parties, especially the wayward spouse. If she's not all in, then you're never going to get there. GL.
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Old 6th October 2017, 10:33 AM   #30
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You have every right to be angry. I'm sure my H still occasionally gets angry about what I did, years later. What I did was completely destructive and never forgotten. However, after d-day I worked my butt off to help him, show him I was sorry, to rebuild trust.
Not to diminish yours and your BH's work and success, because I don't feel that my BH and I have done even half of what I'd hoped for, yet my husband doesn't ask me and thinks he's worked his butt off too. I would feel like we'd gone a lot further if he'd ask me or actually encourage me to talk about it. It's one thing to speculate about whether your BH still suffers "occasionally" but, if my WH wrote this, I'd think he was presumptuous and should have asked me. Just saying it never ever goes away entirely but the WS realizing, accepting and wanting to know about it is huge

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